Cow Island

'And lobsters prefer steel toe capped boots,' Annie explained, 'but woe betide you if you offer them anything with a kitten heel.' Annie waited for Captain Eyepatch's head to say something but it didn't so she did an extremely pretty dance around him and then yawned. 'Tired now!' she mooed. 'I sincerely hope you're not!' Cyril said. 'It's almost semi mid morning not quite lunch yet snack time!' 'Oh goodie!' Annie yawned. 'What are we having?' 'It's mostly advanced legal fee on toast,' Cyril replied. 'But the toast is on trifle which is on cake which is on pancakes. I thought we'd keep it light and save ourselves for a proper late morning almost lunchtime feast.' 'I shall be guided by your culinary wisdom,' Annie said. 'Are there any choccie biccies left?'  And Cyril said there were. 'Can we stay on the beach for weeks and weeks and weeks?' Annie ask

'Take them away!' Queen Phoebe commanded and she waved in a regal fashion as Flossie and Lefty, led by Norman and several palace guards, marched off along the beach. 'It's so sad that they can't seem to change their evil pirate type ways,' Norma sighed. 'Possibly,' Queen Phoebe replied, 'but One had them bang to rights and no mistake so it's a ten year stretch at His Kingshipfulness's pleasure I'm afraid. 'But are you not concerned about their threat of legal action from injuries sustained due to the absence of an 'andrail?' Camille asked. 'One has already taken the precaution of employing a top notch legal team,' Queen Phoebe replied. 'One has been assured it will be dealt with in next to no time.' Norma experienced a sudden sinking feeling. 'Has it been suggested they be paid in food?' she asked. 'As it happens,' Queen Phoebe replied. Norma wondered if she should say somethi

Flossie lay at the bottom of the old cliff path. Lefty lay next to him under what appeared to be Captain Bill's head. Flossie had a vague recollection that he might have been hit by it. 'Should have been a handrail,' Lefty sighed. Then the sand vibrated with the sound of approaching feet and Norman arrived. 'GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!' he trumpeted and he waved his tentacles about and they all flew off and landed in the sea. 'Ooooops!' he cried and he ran off to get them back. Flossie noticed that what appeared to be Captain Bill's body was close by too. And the sand vibrated with the sound of approaching hooves and Annie tumbled horns over tail into view. 'I told him to use more brown tape!' she mooed and she picked up Captain Bill's head, did a very pretty dance, and stampeded off toward Cyril. Flossie saw that the swag bag was also at the bottom of the old cliff path. And the sand vibrated but only a l

'Last one's almost out,' Lefty bleated. 'Har! Har! Har!' Flossie cried. 'Who needs opposable thumbs!' 'Be nice though,' Lefty said. 'Would make eating bananas easier.' 'True!' Flossie replied. 'Very partial to a banana...need to be ripe though.' 'Do we have to take the tiny pick back?' Lefty asked. 'Should do,' Flossie said, 'but then, you know, pirates and all, just thought we'd steal it.' 'Make a nice memento,' Lefty suggested. 'I thought so,' Flossie agreed. 'Was going to get some postcards but never had the time.' 'Could get Mum to make a display case for it,' Lefty continued, 'with a small engraved brass plaque.' 'Like your thinking!' Flossie replied. 'Now, are we ready to go?' 'All done and staple free,' Lefty bleated. 'Top pirating!' Flossie said. 'I can't help feeling the we've weathe

Norma, Queen Phoebe and Camille's little students stood and watched as the figures came nearer. Bertha appeared to be carrying Captain Bill. Camille appeared to be carrying another Captain Bill. 'One thought there was only one of them?' Queen Phoebe said. 'It's a long story,' Norma mooed. 'It so often is where your lives are concerned,' Queen Phoebe replied. One of the little students raised a hoof. 'The one on the left,' Norma said as she could guess the question that was being asked. As they got closer Norma, Queen Phoebe and Camille's little students could hear shouting coming from one of the approaching figures.  'PUT ME DOWN!' It was the voice of Captain Bill. 'DOWN!....NOW!.....DOWN!....DOWN! THAT'S AN ORDER!!!!' Norma guessed it was Bertha who was being shouted at. Norma also guessed, correctly as it happens, that Bertha wasn't taking a blind bit of notice. Eventually, Bertha, Camille and th

'Curses part one hundred and twelve...give or take,' Flossie began. 'Lost count if I'm honest! The swag bag's been giant stapled to the cliff me hearties!' 'Does make it more secure,' Lefty observed. 'It's less likely to fall off the edge now.' 'True!' Flossie replied. 'But not really the point.........Don't suppose you're carrying a crowbar by any chance?' 'I've made a note to make sure I always carry one in the future,' Lefty bleated. 'Mum's got one she doesn't use anymore.' 'Excellent!' Flossie cried. 'Positive thinking etcetera etcetera but really need it now. Did we happen to pass a kiosk of an itinerant crow bar vendor as we started up the old cliff path?' 'Didn't see one,' Lefty said. 'No, neither did I,' Flossie bleated. 'Thought it was a bit of a long shot. Clutching at straws really but, you know, desperate times...' '

'But you 'ave 'ad four directs 'its on Flossie alone!' Camille cried. 'And three on Lefty,' Bertha replied, 'but the staples are just bouncing off of their fleece.' 'But what can be done?' Camille asked. 'They will get away!' Bertha stopped firing and turned to Norma. 'You take over,' she mooed, 'I need to go back to the Pickled Heifer.' 'I shall accompany you!' Camille exclaimed. 'Norma, look after ma little students if you please. I shall be setting no 'omework in my absence but if there is time you could get them to write 'ome to their parents telling them what a great time they are 'aving....Maybe encourage them to ask for more spending money?' And so Bertha and Camille ran back towards the ship. 'Might One be of any use?' Queen Phoebe asked after they had left. 'One is feeling not quite fully used in the current crisis.' 'I'm not sure that ther

'Appreciating that the crown does have pointy bits AND that there really should be a handrail of some sort but, all things considered,....RUN!!!!' Flossie shouted. And so he and Lefty picked up the sack between them and headed back down the old cliff path just as fast as they could. 'CRUNCH!!!!' went a noise behind them and a giant staple zipped over Flossie's head. 'That could have had someones eye out!' Lefty cried. 'And I don't have any to spare!' Flossie replied. 'CRUNCH!!!!' went the noise again and a second staple bounced off of the rocks below them. 'Where are we heading for?' Lefty called out. 'Not sure,' Flossie shouted back. 'We can decide once we're at the bottom.' 'Not far to go now!' Lefty said. And, despite the danger, Flossie stopped them running and they paused for a moment.  'Odd, isn't it,' he observed, 'how it always seems so much quicker on the

'Curses!' Flossie cried. 'Delayed again!' 'And forced to take a diversion via the old cliff path just to get around them,' Lefty added. Flossie paused for a moment.  'Hmm,' he pondered out loud, 'slightly laboured lines if you ask me.' 'Helps to establish the scene though,' Lefty replied. '....Suppose,' Flossie said, 'and it's a nice walk...good views.' 'Bit steep in places,' Lefty observed. 'I mean, it's OK for us but Mum would find it a bit of a struggle and strictly speaking they should put in some sort of safety handrail. If we weren't in such a hurry I'd speak to someone about it.' 'Maybe you could write to them?' Flossie suggested. 'After we get home.' 'Oh!' Lefty bleated. 'That's a good idea! As long as you don't mind?' 'Absolutely fine with me,' Flossie replied. 'Might be best not to put our address on it though

'Afternoon!' Cyril said. 'It's morning,' Flossie bleated. 'So it is!' Cyril replied. 'If you could make a note of that please?' And Lefty wrote it down. 'Shall we continue?' Cyril asked. 'FREE CAKE!!!!!' Annie mooed. 'Errr?' Flossie replied. 'Kind of you but we're in a bit of a hurry.' 'Ah!' Cyril cried. 'You misunderstand! My Friend was actually wondering if you had any free cake....for us?' Annie stampeded around Cyril and slid to a halt in front of Flossie. 'I'm a cake eater,' she explained, 'and Mr Sir Cyril of Biscuitshire is a walrus. It's parody!' and she turned away but then stopped. 'Or possibly homage?' she added and she ran back behind Cyril but went via the sea so she could have a paddle on the way. 'I'm afraid we have no cake,' Lefty explained. Annie fainted. 'Oh!' Lefty said. 'It's just pretend!

'Thank you Norman,' Bertha mooed. 'Anytime,' Norman replied. 'And you know what you're doing next?' Norma asked him. And Norman assured them that he did and he hurried away. 'Could I just ask,' Camille began, 'this thing that you 'ave just 'ad Monsieur Norman bring from your ship...what is it?' 'You can have a guess if you want?' Bertha teased. 'Well,' Camille continued, 'if I were some sort of strange and deranged individual I could perhaps imagine that it was some kind of giant stapling machine.' 'If you have any gold stars in your handbag you may award yourself one,' Bertha replied. As it turned out Camille didn't so she couldn't but as luck would have it Norma did have some in the bottom of her knitting bag and so she gave one to Camille. 'Would One also get a gold star if One was to correctly guess what it is to be used for?' Queen Phoebe asked. And Bertha sai

'I can see the shrimps!' Annie called out. 'Wonderful!' Cyril replied. 'Have they got any choccie biccies perchance?' Annie briefly dipped her head back under the water before resurfacing again. 'Dark chocolate or dark chocolate or dark chocolate?' she asked. 'Hmm,' Cyril said and he thought for a moment, 'dark chocolate if they have them?' And for a second time Annie went back below the waves before reemerging carrying an extra large tin of dark chocolate biscuits. 'Shrimptastic!' Cyril mooed. Annie danced back up to the beach and gave the tin to Cyril. 'Are the fluffies here yet?' she enquired. Cyril took a moment to look off down the beach. 'No,' he replied, 'not yet.' 'Is there time for a nap?' Annie asked. And Cyril said he thought there was so Annie had a nap and Cyril amused himself by nibbling a few of the chocolate biscuits...and then a few more....and then all of

'It is your ship?' Camille asked. 'It is,' Norma replied. 'It is on an 'ill!' 'I know,' Norma mooed. 'It's complicated.' 'That is what Ms Bertha said,' Camille replied.  'Talking of Bertha?' Norma began. 'I left 'er at the ship,' Camille said, 'with the brave and occasionally conscious Capitaine Bile. Ms Bertha said to tell you she was collecting something.' 'I thought she might be,' Norma replied. 'I just hope we're not too late.' 'Well,' Camille continued, 'I must also tell you that Ms Bertha as spoken to Ms Geraldine and so I can report that the pirates 'ave been delayed! Apparently Flossie is not the only one capable of adopting a disguise and much time was lost over a dispute about a catering bill.' 'Such a clever penguin!' Norma mooed. 'She also made an excellent job of the patio extension to the castle last year,' Quee

Over the grasslands, across the lawns, along the shingle paths, Norman rushed on, majestic, noble, a creature of power and beauty! 'One might be more careful where One is shoving One's tusks!' Queen Phoebe called out. 'Sorry!' Norman trumpeted. 'I could slow down if you'd prefer?' 'I think speed is off the essence,' Norma suggested. 'I'm sure it is,' Queen Phoebe replied, 'but One has One's dignity to maintain. One is a royal personage after all!' And Norman said he was well aware of that and that he was being as careful as he could be and so they went on. 'Was that,' Queen Phoebe asked a few minutes later, 'was that a ship we just passed?' 'I'm afraid so,' Norma replied. 'Well, what's it doing on a hill?'  'It's a long story,' Norma mooed. 'Perhaps I could explain later on?' 'I suppose under the circumstances...' Queen Phoebe replie

'Sorry for the delay,' Lefty bleated and he paused for a moment to catch his breath. 'Problem?' Flossie asked. 'They tried to overcharge on the pancakes,' Lefty replied. 'Never!!!' Flossie cried. 'Seriously,' Lefty assured him. 'I was sure I was right but the manager had mislaid the paperwork and it took ages to find it. Their filing system left a lot to be desired I can tell you.' 'Just goes to prove that it's always worth checking though,' Flossie replied. 'That's what I thought,' Lefty said, 'but I knew we were pressed for time.' 'No, no!' Flossie interrupted. 'You did absolutely the right thing. Overcharging on a catering bill is something I simply will not stand for.' 'Anyway,' Lefty continued, 'it's all sorted and paid for so we can get going whenever you want.' 'I quite like the view from here,' Flossie replied, 'but it might be for

''as 'e fainted?' Camille asked. 'He always does when you mention pirate sheep,' Bertha replied. 'That's why I wanted to be the first to tell him.' 'But it seems too ludicrous to be true!' 'Honestly,' Bertha mooed, 'every time.' 'No,' Camille corrected, 'I mean about the pirate sheep.' 'Oh, I see!' Bertha replied. 'But,' and here she took a crude drawing from under her hat, 'if you take that director chappie, remove his beret and monocle and add a speech bubble saying 'Har! Har! Har!'.' 'Mon dieu!' Camille exclaimed. 'Flossie!!!!' 'The self same,' Bertha replied. 'The disguise was almost foolproof and none of us need feel in the least bit embarrassed that we failed to realise who it was at an earlier point in time.' 'Agreed!' Camille agreed. 'Just curious but....do you think there's any chance that ma little stude

'PIRATE SHEEP!!!!' Queen Phoebe cried. 'That's what Bertha and I said,' Norma replied. 'But they looked so convincing!'  'True,' Norma continued, and here she took a crude drawing out from her hatband, 'but if you take that director chappie and remove his beret and monocle and add a speech bubble saying, 'Har! Har! Har!'.' 'FLOSSIE!!!!' Queen Phoebe wailed. 'It was the perfect disguise,' Norma conceded, 'and none of us need to feel in the least bit guilty that we didn't see through it at an earlier opportunity.' 'And they have One's crown!' Queen Phoebe sobbed. 'We'll do everything we can to get it back,' Norma assured her. 'Oh, when his Kingshipfulness gets to hear of it!'  'I realise it's not good news,' Norma mooed. 'The news!!!!' Queen Phoebe cried. 'It'll be front page time and pullout specials!!!!' 'But if we

'PIRATE SHEEP!!!!!' Norma and Bertha exclaimed in unison. 'Apparently,' Horace nervously replied. 'At least, Geraldine thinks so.' 'You've spoken to her?' Bertha asked. 'Annie did,' Horace replied. 'You know I've always found it difficult understanding Penguin.' Norma looked at Bertha, Bertha looked at Norma, they both looked back at Horace. 'Where are they now?' Norma asked. 'Who?' Horace replied. 'Annie? Cyril? Geraldine? Or the pirate sheep?' 'All of them!' Bertha mooed. 'In that order!' 'I've no idea,' Horace replied. 'Cyril pulled the megaphone out of a bin, hit it a few times and then gave it to me and said I should get you all here. Then they ran off.' Norma and Bertha did the looking at each other thing again. 'What do you think?' Norma asked. 'Could it be true?' 'Do you mean about Cyril running or the film crew being p

'Your crown?' Norma mooed. 'One has been ravaged by a giant squid,' Queen Phoebe replied. 'Oh!' Norma exclaimed. 'Only in a cinematic context,' Queen Phoebe explained, 'with no journalistic repercussions.' 'Ah!' Norma said. 'That's a relief. So, what's happening now?' 'I'm not sure,' Queen Phoebe continued. 'It's all gone very quiet.' 'Perhaps they're on a break?' Norma suggested. 'Possibly,' Queen Phoebe replied, 'and One don't normally mind but One has already done a great deal of hanging around.' 'I'm sure,' Norma mooed, 'it must be very tiring for you?' 'One's plates are throbbing something rotten,' Queen Phoebe said and she wiggled her toes at Norma. 'It does seem very quiet,' Norma said a few minutes later. 'Very quiet,' Queen Phoebe agreed. 'It's very quiet,' Bertha said as s

'That was quite possibly the best cream tea I've ever had,' Cyril said. 'Which one?' Annie asked. Cyril consulted his score book.  'Number 173,' he replied. 'I felt the balance between cream and jam almost perfect. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that the only thing it really lacked was more cream...and jam......and maybe a side order of extra cream....with more jam...and a couple of hundred more scones. How was the ice cream?' 'It was strawbleberry,' Annie mooed. 'I did 3 lengths of backstroke but after that there was only enough left to paddle in.' 'Wonderful!' Cyril replied. 'Now, any luck with the choccie biccies?' 'No,' Horace said. 'Shame,' Cyril replied. 'Have a cream tea.' 'I can't,' Horace said, 'you've eaten them all.' 'Oh!' Cyril mooed. 'How sad! You should have been here earlier on.' 'I was,' Horace replied,