Cow Island

'Penguin of the Year!' mooed Captain Bill. 'She's actually nominated for 4 awards,' replied Norma, 'but Penguin of the Year is the big one.' 'What others is she up for?' asked Bertha. 'Best Penguin in a Non Penguin Environment, Most Orange Feet and First Time Author,' replied Norma. 'Well, well done Geraldine,' said Bertha. 'And she does have very orange feet,' added Norma. 'I can't say I've ever really looked,' said Captain Bill. 'Men don't tend to notice those sorts of things,' replied Norma. 'We do!' exclaimed Captain Bill, 'and you've got a new hat...so there, noticed that!' Norma and Bertha exchanged glances. 'And anyway,' continued Captain Bill, 'I think there's an even more interesting point that you seem to have missed.' 'Which is?' asked Bertha. 'If Geraldine is nominated as best First Time Author...what's she been writing about?' ...

'No, it was very good,' said Norma, 'I was just a bit busy at the time...and I'm sure Geraldine liked it.' 'You don't think it was too lighthearted?' asked Horace. 'Not at all,' replied Norma, 'I think you should do more things like that.' 'Hmmm,' said Horace, 'we'll see.' And for a while Norma and Horace walked on in silence until, some minutes later, they arrived at a large notice board. 'This is it!' said Norma. 'There are lots of different categories, Best Dressed Penguin, Prettiest Beak, Penguin Most Likely To Succeed In A Hostage Negotiation Scenario...surprising number of nominations for that one!' 'Any mention of poetry written for a penguin?' asked Horace. 'Not that I can see,' replied Norma. 'Right....well....hmmm, actually I think we aught to be getting back to the others.' 'So soon?' said Horace. 'Well I wasn't planning to,' replied Norma, 'but...

'Yes,' said Captain Bill, 'well I take no great satisfaction from being proved right.' 'But you weren't,' replied Norma. 'Well we won't argue about it,' said Captain Bill. 'There's nothing to argue about,' replied Norma, 'you said Geraldine had got hopelessly lost and we were clearly at the wrong island.' 'That's not my recollection,' said Captain Bill. 'Anyway,' continued Norma, 'we are at the right island and Queen Phoebe sends hugs.' 'And the harbour business?' asked Captain Bill. 'She's too busy to worry about it.' replied Norma. 'Fine,' said Captain Bill, 'then I think I'll come ashore.' 'That would be good,' replied Norma. So Captain Bill came ashore and he and Norma herded inland. 'And you did tell her it wasn't me steering,' asked Captain Bill, 'when we hit the wall...you did tell her that?' 'But it was!' mooed Norma...

'And so when I say hit,' said Norma, 'I really mean more of a glancing blow, there was hardly any damage at all.' 'Well,' replied Queen Phoebe, 'right now I've got more to worry about than a harbour wall.' 'Should we presume that has something to do with the web footed folk?' asked Bertha. 'It does,' replied Queen Phoebe, 'in fact now would be a good time to formally welcome you to what is our very first Penguin of the Year Awards.' 'But it's only March!' mooed Bertha. 'Well spotted,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'The thing is his regalness, my hubbie, he's wonderful he really is, well he had this idea for making an extra wodge of folding, seeing as how the bottom's gone right out of the luxury castle hire market, and so we thought we'd shove our little royal elbows into the awards hosting arena.' 'Oh, that's a nice idea,' said Norma. 'That's what I said,' replied Queen ...

'PENGIMINGS!' mooed Annie. 'And lots of them,' replied Norma. 'They do seem to be everywhere,' added Bertha. 'Actually I'd go so far as to say the island is covered in them.' 'Which rather raises the question of why?' said Norma. 'Indeed,' replied Bertha. 'Hmm,' said Norma, 'I do believe I've just spotted the one lady who may be able to tell us.' And Norma pointed towards a figure in the distance and then took off her hat and waved it in the air. 'She's seen us,' said Bertha. 'Perhaps it would be advisable for us to move towards her,' suggested Norma. And so, taking a very bouncy Annie with them, Norma and Bertha made their way through a quite terrific abundance of penguins who all very kindly moved out of the way and then shuffled back into place after they had passed. 'Thank you,' said Norma, 'thank you, thank you....thank you....thank you.' Finally after some minutes the last ...

'Land ahoy!' called out Bertha. 'Where?' shouted Norma. 'Off the port bow,' mooed Bertha. Captain Bill swivelled around in his chair and looked out across the sea. 'No, the port bow,' said Norma. Captain Bill swivelled around in his chair and looked out across the sea. 'I do wish you wouldn't keep changing it,' he said, 'that's the 4th time this voyage!' 'Sorry,' replied Norma. So everyone looked off the port side towards the large island that had come into view. 'So is that it?' asked Norma. Geraldine did a very happy dance, flapped her wings and hugged Annie. 'That's it!' said Annie. 'Looks nice,' said Norma. 'Hmm,' said Captain Bill, 'not bad........of course we would have got here a lot sooner if we'd just sailed straight to it.' At this point Geraldine hopped up onto Captain Bill's back and then onto his hat...and jumped up and down for a while. 'Even I understoo...

Dear Geraldine A Penguin went a wandering Oh, it was a pretty sight She took a balloon And sang a tune Then hummed it through the night She sang it to the moon and sea And they were much impressed She sang it to a crab or three As they were getting dressed She tapped it out each foot in turn Till it became a dance Performed it for some passing birds Which left their lives enhanced She whistled it as I recall While sliding on her belly A stunt made easier because She was so full of jelly This story's true I swear to you The facts are clearly right And Geraldine is proof because She's here in black and white Thank you Horace

'I see we're going Not North again,' said Norma. 'Are we?' said Captain Bill. 'Mmm,' said Norma. 'Well hardly surprising,' said Captain Bill, 'it's a very popular direction.' 'So,' asked Norma, 'any ideas why?' 'Errr?' said Captain Bill, 'Geraldine changed her mind?' 'No,' replied Norma, 'Annie doesn't seem to think so.' 'But she could be wrong. As she said herself, tricky thing to understand the old penguin talk.' 'Possibly,' replied Norma, 'but my money's on an alternative explanation.' 'I know what you're thinking,' said Captain Bill. 'Really?' said Norma. 'Oh yes!' replied Captain Bill. 'You're thinking that the Pickled Heifer must have instinctively turned itself towards Not North.' 'And that's the best you can manage is it?' asked Norma. 'That's a rather sarcastic tone,' said Captain Bill, ...

Morning all! Now do try to sit up straight while you're reading this. Are you well? I do hope so, if not take some exercise and remember to eat sensibly. I've not much to report, we seem to be sailing along quite well at the moment, possibly because Geraldine is making most of the navigational decisions. As a result I'm managing to get some reading done. This is welcome for two reasons, firstly it's a fine book and secondly because when I'm finished with it I'll have something to throw at 'ma brave Capitaine'....well it makes a change from telling him that we're being chased by pirates. Right, just time for another couple of chapters before 5th breakfast. Enjoy your day and try to achieve something. Bertha

'And so,' continued Captain Bill, 'by attaching the seaweed to the knitted compass I've created a sort of ultra modern, high tec, navigational multi tool!' Lovely,' said Norma. 'It's genius,' replied Captain Bill, 'I simply don't see how it could be improved upon.' 'Not unless you draped it over the telescope,' suggested Norma. 'What?' 'Well if you hung it over your telescope it would be even more multipuly.' '...................So anyway,' mooed Captain Bill, 'what did you want?' 'Geraldine would like us to turn to port,' said Norma. Captain Bill swivelled around and stared out across the side of the ship. 'No, port,' said Norma. Captain Bill swivelled around and stared out across the other side of the ship. 'Hmm,' he said. 'So it'll mean we won't be going Not North for a while,' added Norma. 'Hmmmmm,' said Captain Bill, 'not sure about that. The ...

Geraldine waved her flag in the air, pointed at a picture of a strawberry trifle and turned around twice. Norma looked from Geraldine to Annie. Annie thought hard. 'I think she wants us to go left,' she said. 'Shouldn't be a problem,' replied Norma, '......hopefully.' Then Geraldine put down her flag and did a short dance. Norma looked at Annie again. Annie thought hard....again. 'I think she wants us to have a dance.' So Norma, Annie and Geraldine had a dance. 'I enjoyed that,' said Norma. Annie nodded in agreement. 'Anyone for a triple decked sandwich?' called out Cyril. And everybody was. 'Right,' said Norma, as she nibbled a last corner of crust, 'I'd better go and break the news to his Captaininess.' So Norma herded off and Annie and Geraldine had another dance.

Hello all, Well we're underway! Actually that's about it so far because by underway I mean we've cast off, hit the harbour wall 3 times and then weighed anchor so we can make a few repairs. On the positive side we're still afloat and Bertha's forgotten to take any heavy objects up into the cows nest, so she's not got much to throw down at Captain Bill. Apart from that Annie is hoping to get clearer instructions from Geraldine, I'm hoping to get clearer instructions from Annie, Horace has had an idea for a poem and Cyril has eaten almost everything in sight...including a couple of saucepans. So it's shaping up to be one of our more successful voyages. Now do have a fun weekend. Remember to make time for others, make time for yourself and buy a big bar of chocolate because you deserve it. Hugs Norma

'So it's sort of a very late Christmas present,' said Norma. 'It's wonderful!' replied Captain Bill. 'Well I didn't think we could ask you to go sailing in the Pickled Heifer without a new knitted compass.' 'It's a vital piece of every Captains kit,' replied Captain Bill. 'And I've put on 3 Not Norths,' said Norma, 'and I've left off all the other directions.' 'Never really needed them,' said Captain Bill. 'But I do agree with Bertha that as we're doing this for Geraldine it should be up to her to decide which way we're going.' 'Fine,' said Captain Bill, 'although we could start off by going a bit Not North just to help her get her bearings.' 'Unless she already has her bearings,' said Norma. 'Only be for a day or two,' replied Captain Bill, 'a week at the most...probably have got there by then anyway.' And Norma sighed.

'So do you have any better idea where we're going to?' asked Norma. Annie nodded her head. And then shook it. And then waved it around in a big circle. 'So that's a 'not sure' then?' said Norma. 'Pengiming isn't an easy language to understand,' mooed Annie. 'I guess not,' replied Norma. 'Mostly it's about fish,' said Annie. 'Ah!' said Norma. 'I saw a fish yesterday,' added Annie. 'Good,' replied Norma, 'but let's try and stay on topic.' 'Okay dokey,' continued Annie. 'The good thing is I think she does have a definite destination in mind...Geraldine that is, not the fish, I have no idea where the fish was going.' 'Probably none of our business,' suggested Norma. 'Perhaps, 'agreed Annie, 'but I shall remain mildly curious. Now would it be alright if I counted my legs before we get underway? Only I think it might be a wise idea.' 'I think maybe y...

'But you can't just decide like that!' mooed Bertha. 'I'm Captain,' said Captain Bill. 'Errrrr?' said Horace. 'It's going to depend on Geraldine,' continued Bertha. 'I don't see why,' replied Captain Bill. 'Errrrr?' said Horace. 'Well what happens if she doesn't want to go Not North?' asked Bertha. 'We'd still get there,' replied Captain Bill confidently. 'But you don't know where 'there' is!' exclaimed Bertha. 'Well it'll be somewhere in a Not Northerly direction,' said Captain Bill. 'Errrrr?' said Horace. 'Oh, stop saying that!' said Bertha. 'OK!' replied Horace. 'Anyway,' continued Captain Bill, 'we need to get going. I'd like to get underway while the weather's forecast to stay fine.' 'Is it?' asked Bertha. 'Well the seaweed's dry,' said Captain Bill, 'and what better indication could you ask ...

'I was halfway through a poem,' mooed Horace. 'Sorry,' replied Norma, 'you can always finish it off later on.' 'Writing poetry doesn't work like that,' said Horace. 'Well.......whatever,' said Norma, 'and you'll have plenty of time to write once we're at sea.' 'So do we have any idea where she wants to go?' asked Horace. 'Not a clue,' replied Norma, 'Annie thinks she'll be giving us directions as we go along.' 'Perhaps she has to migrate?' suggested Horace. 'That's certainly a possibility,' replied Norma. 'I may write a poem about her,' said Horace. 'I'm sure she'd like that,' replied Norma, 'well not sure exactly, actually now I come to think of it I don't think I've ever known what Geraldine likes or dislikes...she just seems to be there.' 'It would be interesting to find out,' said Horace. 'Yes it would,' replied Norma, ...

'So?' said Captain Bill. 'She's got a little suitcase with her,' said Norma. 'Indeed!' replied Captain Bill. 'But the holiday I've booked isn't until later in the year.' 'Annie has feeling it's not connected with that,' said Norma. 'Right,' said Captain Bill. 'Annie thinks Geraldine wants to go somewhere.' 'A reasonable assumption,' said Captain Bill, 'given the suitcase.' 'And she's waiting for us to take her there.' 'Us?' mooed Captain Bill. 'That's what Annie thinks,' said Norma. 'Hmm,' replied Captain Bill, 'difficult territory...the inside of Annie's head.' 'She does talk penguin quite well,' said Norma, 'or rather she seems to understand it...and we haven't been for a sail in the Pickled Heifer for ages now.' 'True,' agreed Captain Bill, 'so it would seem we've moved into the penguin shipping business.'...

'So you sent it then?' said Norma. 'Mmm,' said Captain Bill, 'sort of.' 'Is there a problem then?' 'A piece of string's already fallen off,' replied Captain Bill, 'and I forgot to put a note in.....I'm not sure she'll know it's from me.' 'But it's a badly wrapped parcel full of rope maintenance pamphlets,' said Norma, 'I think she'll work it out.' 'Possibly,' agreed Captain Bill, 'although I'm still not convinced I should have sent anything at all.' 'Well there's no point in worrying about it now,' said Norma, 'so you'll be pleased to hear that I've brought you something that might be worth a worry.' 'Wonderful!' said Captain Bill, 'I was wondering how I was going to fill my time. So what is it?' 'Possibly best to come and have a look,' replied Norma. So that's what they did....they went and had a look. (Back on Monday)

'Brrrrr,' mooed Norma, 'I'm not going to stay in here very long, I've completely lost contact with my hooves.' 'Is that them over there?' asked Annie and she pointed with her tail at something in the distance. 'I don't think so,' replied Norma, 'but I'm not sure I'd know if they were. The water's far too cold to be aware of very much at all.' 'That would explain why the shrimps are still wearing hats and coats,' said Annie. 'I suppose it would,' replied Norma. 'You would have thought they'd have got a few fires installed by now,' said Annie. 'Might be a bit difficult,' replied Norma, 'what with them being underwater.' 'I think I'd quite like to live underwater,' said Annie, 'then you could have a drink whenever you wanted to.' 'It would be an advantage,' replied Norma. 'Perhaps I should talk to Geraldine about it?' said Annie. 'Perhaps you ...

You love him! You adore him! You'd invite him around for afternoon tea!* Iiiiiiiitttt'sssssssssssssssss CYRILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!! Morning chumletttes, You catch me resting. Not surprising really, when you live life at my pace frequent rests are required. I once rested for an entire year just in case something exciting was about to happen. By the way, should you see Bertha, you last caught sight of me heading up a mountain. In actual fact, as you can see, I've opted for somewhere with a higher snoozability rating. My only problem is the tulips are too far away...so if you could just nip around and shove me along a bit, would be appreciated. Otherwise, life goes on, I'll try to respond to all the fan mail but I can't tackle more than a couple of hundred a day. Take care, Snogs, Cyril * Minimum Afternoon Tea requirements are as follows 4 pots, strong tea. 3 cake stands (to include 2 Victoria Sponge Sandwiches, 1 Pavlova, 25 smaller cakes 3 plates cucumber ...

'No,' said Captain Bill, 'I've not seen him.' 'Humpf!' mooed Bertha. 'When I catch him!' 'He's probably laying low,' replied Captain Bill, 'well as low as he can get...which would still make him unhealthily large.' 'The book's completely ruined,' added Bertha. 'Surprised he left any of it,' replied Captain Bill, 'still that's the sort of thing that happens when you get someone who's insensitive to the feelings of others. Now what do you think of that?' And he held up something. 'What is it?' asked Bertha. 'It's a parcel,' replied Captain Bill, 'I'm sending it to Camille, I wrapped it myself.' 'Well full marks for taking responsibility,' replied Bertha. 'Only she sent me a sort of card thing,' said Captain Bill, 'for Valentine's day.' 'Right,' said Bertha, 'and you're trying to discourage her from sending anything else?...

'You really shouldn't have,' said Norma. Annie looked at her. 'Books are important things,' said Norma. Annie looked at her. 'And you wouldn't want to set a bad example to your little students would you?' said Norma. Annie poked her tongue out at Norma. 'You're impossible sometimes!' said Norma. Annie thought about this for a while and then nodded her head. 'Life would be boring if we were all the same,' she said, 'and the trifle was very tasty.' 'But it was only a picture!' mooed Norma. 'You have to use your imagination sometimes,' replied Annie, '...or possibly all the time.' 'That's fine,' said Norma, 'but there is a thing called reality.' Annie looked at her. 'So did you want to go for a paddle then?' asked Norma. 'Yippee!' shouted Annie and she stampeded off towards the beach.

'Miss Bertha's quite quick on her hooves isn't she?' said Annie. 'Always kept herself very trim,' replied Cyril. 'You would have thought she'd be happy to have people borrowing books from her library.' 'I can't understand her behaviour at all!' replied Cyril. 'So how long have you taken it out for?' asked Annie. 'Erm,' replied Cyril, 'to be honest I'm not sure, it depends in part on whether she catches us up.' 'She does seem to be gaining on us,' mooed Annie. 'Really?' said Cyril. 'In that case I'd suggest having a nibble as we go.....would you prefer a picture of a trifle or a recipe for a chocolate cake?' 'Trifle please,' replied Annie. So Cyril tore a page from the book and Annie ate it.

'Hmm, well,' said Captain Bill, 'I suppose I could have been a little more careful in opening it.' 'It's still a nice card though,' replied Norma. 'Well....yes,' said Captain Bill, '......right better get on.' 'You could always send something in return,' suggested Norma. 'Hmm,' said Captain Bill. 'It's not too late...I'd help you.' '...........I'll think about it,' said Captain Bill. 'Best not to think for too long,' added Norma. 'I've got some spare copies of a pamphlet on rope maintenance.' 'Perhaps you could include a couple of free samples of used string,' said Norma. 'After all you wouldn't want to appear overly formal.' 'Good thinking,' said Captain Bill. And he herded off towards the rope museum and Norma stood shaking her head for a while.

'You're banned!' said Bertha. Cyril looked hurt. 'I'm hurt,' he said. 'Take one step around this side of the desk and you will be,' warned Bertha. 'We're here for my benefit,' said Annie, 'Mr Sir Cyril of Nommingshire is merely present as a friend.' 'Hmm,' said Bertha, 'so what are you looking for?' 'I'm in search of works which will help to provide me with a greater understanding of the requirements of a person who is contemplating embarking on a career within the teaching establishment with particular reference to cultivating an all round holistic approach,' said Annie. 'I'm not sure I've got anything that specific,' replied Bertha. 'Then I'll have a green one about elves,' mooed Annie and she did a little dance. 'I'll have a look,' replied Bertha. Cyril nudged Annie. 'Also,' said Annie, 'I, me, on my own, was wondering if you had any books about food?...

'Just there!' mooed Captain Bill. 'What's that? Is it a word?' 'Well I can't see with you in the way,' replied Norma. 'It is!' said Captain Bill. 'Now what is it?' 'Why don't you just take the card out?' asked Norma. 'Then you can read what it says.' 'I think it starts with an I,' said Captain Bill, 'and it's quite long.' 'Imbecile?' 'Pardon!' 'Well it's a long word beginning with I,' replied Norma. 'You're suggesting it's a Valentine with the word imbecile on the front of it?' 'Only trying to help,' said Norma. 'Anyway it's not that long.' 'Idiot?' 'What!' 'It's a shorter word beginning with I,' said Norma. 'Thank you!' said Captain Bill. 'Very helpful, very helpful indeed.'