Cow Island

'Well, if you're sure you can't direct me toward the 57th Annual Rain Soaked Cliff Top Poetry Awards, I'll be on my way,' said Horace. And the flock all shook their heads. 'Well...........................................................bye then,' mumbled Horace. 'Wait a minute,' bleated Flossie. Horace hesitated. 'Did you say the 57th Annual Rain Soaked Cliff Top Poetry Awards?' 'I did,' said Horace. '......................................Never heard of them!' continued Flossie. 'Pity though, I quite like a bit of poetry.' 'Really?' asked Lefty. 'Oh, yes,' replied Flossie. 'As long as it doesn't drift off into anything too metaphysical.' 'I've always been more of a short story person,' said Lefty. 'Just at the end of the day, to help me settle down.' 'It's odd isn't it,' mused Flossie, 'how we're all drawn towards differen

'And 'ere we are at last!' Camille explained. 'We stand before the entrance of the grotto of ma ancestors, in the grove of ma ancestors, in the woodland of ma ancestors, it is like, 'ow you say, for me, a sacred place.' 'There is a sign upon the door,' observed Captain Bill. 'It is only notification of ma planning application,' mooed Camille. 'Oh?' 'I am 'oping to knock it all down and build a dozen luxury apartments,' replied Camille. 'If I can pull it off I'll be in 'andbag 'eaven!' 'Right,' said Captain Bill. 'Of course they will still be sacred luxury apartments. I could always reserve you one?' 'Erm?' 'I could throw in some of the show furniture and free off road grazing? Seeing as you are known to me. Also I will be needing a concierge. You get a tiny room in the basement for free and I'd turn a blind eye if you want to read everybody's mail.'

'And when she finally found it,' said Norma, 'it turned out to be in one of those side pockets with some tissues and a pen than didn't work.' 'But did it open the casket?' asked Bertha. 'It did!' mooed Norma. 'And inside?' 'Another bigger key,' replied Norma. '............To be honest I was slightly disappointed. I'm not really sure what I expected. 'But did it mean anything to Camille?' asked Bertha. Norma nodded. 'She got very excited. She said she knows what it fits, so she's gone off with Captain Bill. I thought I'd come and see how you were getting along?' 'I thought it best to collect up all the discarded pointyness,' replied Bertha. 'I got Jean Claude and Blanche to help me.' 'You don't think they're too young for handling discarded pointyness?' queried Norma. But Bertha made it quite clear that, in her opinion, it did young calves good to get

'Mon dieu! Sacre bleu and quelle surprise, I am scripted to say,' said Camille. 'At last it is returned!' 'So, it is yours?' gasped Norma. 'Non!' replied Camille. 'And yet, yes!' 'Slightly confused?' said Norma. 'And well you might be,' replied Camille, 'but I shall explain. And so she did. 'Many generations ago, ma great, great, great, uncle, aunt, grandmother, who cares really, placed into a sacred casket, a treasure so important, so valued, that it was said, that if it was ever lost, our family would be forced to live in slightly reduced circumstances and take occasional paid work.' 'And I'm guessing it WAS lost!' said Norma. 'Indeed, ma chum Norma,' replied Camille. 'Some later ancestor, perhaps a nephew with a limp or a cousin, the story has become confused, was travelling in distant lands when they were attacked by badgers or otters or maybe a ground dwelling owl with t

'I'm sure it is!' mooed Norma. 'It's the casket that you found when you fell off the cliff, that we decided to return to its rightful owner, so we could claim the reward, that was later stolen from us by the pirates, that they've carried with them since, but have now obviously, inadvertently, dropped, while fleeing with all of their stolen pointy swords.' '..........Well done!' said Horace. 'Thanks,' gasped Norma. '.....................So what now?'  'I think you'd better recover it.' Horace took a closer look at the casket. 'The bush looks a bit thorny,' he said. 'Does it?' replied Norma. 'Do you have any hoof mittens?' 'Not on me.' '..............................................Could you knit me some?' 'I don't think we have time right now,' said Norma. 'I'm sure if you're quick.' So Horace was. 'And now you could bring

'And you flick that catch there and it allows you to fire three shots at different ranges,' said Lefty. 'Brilliant!' bleated Flossie. 'And if you press the black button, a tripod drops down so you can use it in a sustained fire role.' 'Terrific!' And if you press the white button?' 'That's a digital radio and one of those things for getting horses hooves out of stones. To be honest, I see that as more of a gimmick.' 'Mmm,' replied Flossie. 'Not sure you'd get a lot of use out of that. I did once serve on a ship that had a horse as 2nd mate. It used to spend all its time running around the deck, jumping over the cannon...and it was rubbish at climbing in the rigging.' 'It sounds nice to have a mix of species,' replied Lefty, 'but statistics prove that all sheep ships work best.' 'You've got my vote on that one,' said Flossie. 'Now, is everyone happy with what they've

'Norman came to the conclusion that the pirate sheep had never been there, but I knew better,' explained Captain Bill. 'And you would be 'appy for me to 'ave Monsieur Norman confirm this?' asked Camille. 'Probably best to take my word for it,' replied Captain Bill. 'He can be a bit touchy about that sort of thing. Elephants, you know what they're like!' Camille deployed an extra long 'hmm'. 'Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?' it went, and she accompanied it with a stare and would have followed it up with another 'Hmm?' of even greater length but Norma arrived and interrupted her. 'I'm afraid they must have taken every pointy sword they could lay their evil hooves on,' she said. 'They've been dropping them everywhere.' 'Indeed!' replied Camille. 'It is like some huge, pointy sword, contemporary sculpture trail which 'as been designed by some weird a

'I still find it hard to believe,' trumpeted Norman. 'I'm telling you that's all I could see,' replied Captain Bill. 'It just seems odd,' said Norman. 'I can't help that,' replied Captain Bill. 'I'm not saying you're responsible,' said Norman, 'but it just doesn't fit in.' I concede that,' replied Captain Bill, 'but it was there all the same.' 'You don't think you could have been mistaken?' 'No!'   '...............You have to wonder why?' mused Norman. 'No! I don't!' replied Captain Bill. 'And you're absolutely sure that's all you could see?' 'Look!' said Captain Bill. 'For the last time, there was just an old piano...behind the green door.' 'Strange?'  'Anyway,' continued Captain Bill, 'my conclusion, as a result of our....' 'Looking through the keyhole...' '....

'Nice of you to join us,' mooed Norma. 'As always, a pleasure for you to see me again,' replied Cyril. 'And, in an added bonus, I'm pleased to be able to announce that my, long awaited, wine report is now ready!' Geraldine handed an old, slightly torn, bottle label to Camille and indicated toward the writing on the back of it. 'Is this it?' she asked. Cyril doffed his beret. 'If there's anything that's too technical, don't hesitate to ask.' 'It says, 'Not bad',' replied Camille, 'and it is written in pencil.' 'I would have got my secretary to type it up,' said Cyril, 'but she was otherwise occupied as a result of being tied to a giant spring.' 'So,' continued Camille, 'you 'ave spent, like, one squillion weeks drinking ma wine and your assessment is...'Not bad'?' 'It is an expert opinion,' added Cyril. 'Small comfort,' repli

'Look!' said Captain Bill. 'For the last time, I knew it was you right away.' 'Then why did you spend twenty minutes talking to that tree?' 'It was a joke! I was just trying to take the tension out of the situation. I thought it might help you to take your mind off of the almost certain death aspect of our current predicament.' 'You thought it was me.' 'I did not think it was you! Do I look like the sort of fool who would make such a stupid mistake? And kindly stop playing with me hat.' 'It's got a little gun on it.' 'It is a cannon.' '............You did think it was me.' 'I did not!' 'You asked it for a bun.' 'I was talking to you.' 'I was ten yards away.' 'I was simply being cautious. I didn't want to draw attention to you. You never know who might be watching. Anyway, I think we should press on.' 'So what do you want to do?' a

'Hmm?' said Camille. 'I still think we should give him the benefit of the doubt,' replied Norma. 'But 'e 'as been walking away from the factory for like ten minutes now!' 'Perhaps he just wants to take a long run up?' 'Look!' mooed Camille, 'I am 'oping for the best but even I am beginning to suspect that ma brave Capitaine Bile lacks a certain something.' 'Retinal disparity?' suggested Bertha. 'It could just be a direction thing?' said Norma. 'He's never been very good with directions.' 'Maybe we need to point this out?' replied Camille. 'But 'ow do we ever get a message to 'im?' Bertha stampeded around to the other side of the hedge. 'HERE! STUPID!' she shouted. 'IT'S THAT WAY!' 'That's one way of doing it,' said Norma. 'I am scoring it ten out of ten for directness,' mooed Camille. 'It's a speciali

'So, how do you feel?' asked Norma. 'Like a complete and utter idiot,' replied Captain Bill. But Norma held up a hoof before anyone could say anything. 'It is vital that you look the part,' mooed Camille. And again Norma raised a hoof. 'It's crucial that we find out what's going on inside the factory,' she said. 'And I made a perfectly reasonable suggestion regarding that,' replied Captain Bill. 'I just don't think we have time to write them a letter,' said Norma. 'Now, let's go over your cover story one last time. You are?' 'Put upon?' 'Monsieur Vache, an important buyer for an international consortium of pointy sword suppliers and you've travelled here to view...?' 'Samples before placing a large order,' muttered Captain Bill. 'Excellent!' said Norma. 'So brave!' said Camille. 'And don't forget, you won't be alone,' continue

'So, Horace, myself and Geraldine, working in 2 hour shifts, kept the factory under constant surveillance for a period of 12 hours.'  'And?' asked Bertha. 'I got cramp, Horace failed to write anything and Geraldine found time to preen herself.' 'And the factory?' asked Camille. 'Nothing!' said Norma. 'We didn't see anything at all, but I will remind you that we couldn't see the back or down one side.' 'So,' mooed Bertha, 'what you're saying is, we can only be certain that?' 'All's quiet on the west and front,' replied Norma. 'But still,' said Camille, 'this is good news!' 'Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?' said Bertha.....and Norma*.  'By your 'Hmmms', I am detecting that you are not at the top of the 'appiness slide?' Camille suggested. 'There's quiet,' replied Norma, 'and then there's too quiet.' 'It sounds too qu

'It looks far too much like exercise to me!' said Cyril. 'Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!' called out Annie, as she bounced past. 'It's fun! And it's not too difficult once you've got bouncing! Actually, I am beginning to suspect, that now I'm underway, things could go on indefinitely.'  'You could never do it with a full glass of wine.'  'Hmmmmmmmm?' replied Annie, as she bounced back again. 'Possibly you could get away with using a very long straw. I would have a hard think thunk about it, but I'm afraid my brain is extra wobbly at the moment.' 'I doubt it'll harm you?' said Cyril. 'There are moments when it seems a positive help!' mooed Annie. 'Excellent!' said Cyril. 'I shall look forward to the results.' 'I'll let you have a look inside my ears later on,' replied Annie, 'and you can let me know what you see.' 'Terrific!' said Cyril. &#

'It's not difficult,' explained Norma. 'You just need to watch the factory without anyone spotting you.' 'OK!' said Horace. 'And then what?' 'Well, after a while you can let me know what you've seen.' '........................So you don't want me to write anything down? Any...poetry?' 'It's not really a poetry orientated task,' replied Norma. ' 'So, why did you ask me to do it?' 'I just thought you'd like to help,' replied Norma. 'I thought you wanted to be involved? Everybody else seemed to have something to do and I didn't want you to feel left out.' 'I don't think I would have minded.' 'Well, it would be nice if you would do it anyway,' mooed Norma. 'It's not particularly taxing.' 'So, what am I looking out for?' 'The pirate sheep!' replied Norma. 'The pirate sheep and just generally anything suspiciou

'Is this all of us?' asked Captain Bill. 'As many as can be safely fitted into a single illustration,' replied Norma. 'And I will point out that there is more to Norman than can be presently seen.' And everyone agreed that there is much more to an elephant than just a trunk. 'And Cyril?' asked Captain Bill. 'I'm sure he'll be along soon,' replied Norma. 'And Annie?' 'She is definitely on her way.' 'I can see her now,' trumpeted Norman. 'No, I can't! Yes, I can! No, I can't, Yes...' 'We can start without her!' mooed Norma. 'I'll bring her up to speed when she arrives.' 'I think you may need to slow her down first,' said Norman. 'If we could get on?' urged Bertha. 'I, myself, will begin by saying that I and ma little students are ready to 'elp in any way,' said Camille. 'Although, obviously, I am expecting that little 'e

'It's not a criticism,' said Captain Bill. 'It was never intended as a criticism. I was simply saying that it would have helped to have known at an earlier point in time.' 'So you are suggesting that what I should 'ave said was, 'Hello, Norma and Bertha, long time, no see! 'ow are you? Oh! And by the way, before I forget, there is an enormous cannon, pointy sword and gunpowder factory at the edge of town. So glad you're looking well!'.' 'It's us who should have mentioned the pirate sheep,' mooed Norma. 'I think we just got distracted with the excitement of seeing you.' 'Although some people were not as excited as I would 'ave 'oped!' Camille replied. 'As I have tried to explain,' said Captain Bill. 'You were busy fighting dragons?' suggested Camille. 'Which I think means you won't 'ave no trouble with a few sheeps!' 'They are notoriously aggressive she

'And then she said, 'find Norman and move as fast as you possibly can','. 'And so you tied yourself to a giant spring?' trumpeted Norman. Annie nodded, the giant spring wobbled and she bounced high into the air. ' Yes! ' she said, from very far up. ' I knew you'd work it out!' 'Well, you certainly are moving quickly,' Norman replied. 'Although I'm not sure that it's in the was Norma envisaged?' 'She didn't specify what type of fast ,' mooed Annie. And she bounced particularly high and threw in a forward roll for extra excitement...and her hat...stayed on! 'Nicely done!' said Norman. ' Ta! ' replied Annie. ' I think this is what it must feel like to be a huge spoonful of trifle .' 'You are achieving a remarkably high degree of wobbliness,' said Norman. 'But I do think that perhaps we should be getting on?' ' Okeemadoklies! ' repl

'Possibly I'm panicking for no decent reason?' said Captain Bill. 'And let's be honest, you do have form,' replied Bertha. 'But on this occasion, I'm forced to concede that it's highly possible, that it's a genuine, well founded, panic.' 'And you're not the only one,' added Norma and she pointed towards Geraldine. 'Well, I have to say it's a pleasant surprise to be considered right,' said Captain Bill.  'I'm warning you now, it probably won't last,' replied Bertha. So,' continued Captain Bill, 'I see it as imperative that we set sail for home as soon as we can.' 'Told you so!' mooed Bertha. 'It was nice while it lasted,' said Norma. 'but I could tell you weren't comfortable with it.' 'We'd only be going to get help,' added Captain Bill. 'We could easily be back by...October?' 'So quickly?' said Bertha. 'Hopef

'And then I got to thinking, are we misjudging him?'  'Perhaps?' replied Camille. 'Perhaps, we 'ave all misjudged 'im? Perhaps Cyril is a truly honest person? Perhaps rather than suspecting the worst of 'im, we should hope for the best? Perhaps if we show trust in 'im, we will all be rewarded and enriched by the experience? And perhaps, while we are in this more experimental phase, I should stick ma 'ead into this mangle and get little Blanche to crank the 'andle?' 'If I didn't know better, I'd suspect you of taking sarcasm lessons from Bertha,' mooed Captain Bill. 'She isn't charging me as I am a friend,' replied Camille. 'But he is an acknowledged expert in wine,' continued Captain Bill. 'Even I can't deny that.' 'And you're not known for your denial of reality!' pointed out Camille. '..........................................I just don't understand w

'Never happy being the one to say I told you so,' bleated Flossie. 'Have it sorted out in a jiffy,' replied Lefty. 'Are there many more to do?' 'These two and Harriet.' 'She's here then?' 'Down at the end,' replied Lefty. 'She's in a hi vis, so if you want to have a word, she's easy to pick out.' 'Well, nice to see her, despite the circumstances.' 'My thoughts exactly. Although she'll need to be off as soon as I free her. The lamb care ends at 4.30 and she gets charged extra if she's late picking them up.' 'You should tell her to bring them along.' 'Not allowed,' replied Lefty. 'The legislation's very clear.' 'Really?' said Flossie. 'I'm sure I used to at their age and I had a Saturday job painting the crosses onto pirate flags.' 'Just the crosses?' 'Just the crosses!' 'I used to help my uncle testi