Cow Island

'It's turning out to be quite a nice holiday after all,' Annie mooed. 'So it is!' Cyril replied. 'I said there was no point in getting worried.' 'You did!' Annie agreed. 'At least I heard a voice in my head that sounded like yours and it was saying something like that. Although it might not have been you and it's entirely possible I was asleep at the time.' 'Close enough,' said Cyril. 'Another towel?' 'Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!' Annie replied. 'I think I might. What flavours do you have Mr Towel Vendor?' Cyril nibbled the corner of the nearest towel. 'This one's triple mint choc chip and raspleberry.' 'My favourite!' Annie replied. Cyril caught the towel within his tail and flicked it up. 'So, what happens now?' Annie asked. 'I think I should order some more drinks,' Cyril replied. 'And how are those ones?' 'Get

'Now, ma little chums, may I formally welcome you aboard the good ship, 'Purchased Entirely For Educational Purposes'. 'That's really what it's called?' Norma queried.  'Indeed!' Camille replied. 'It came about after the parents of some of ma little students gave me what I believe you would describe as 'a spot of bover'.' 'It's certainly a fine looking ship,' said Bertha. 'It is several thousand tons of luxury cabins, lounge bars, deckchairs and massage rooms,' said Camille, 'which have been purchased entirely for educational purposes.' 'You even have a pool!' Norma mooed. 'Why yes, although this is just the small plunge pool. The big pool is up the pointy end.' 'And the passengers?' Norma asked. 'While we are doing the extensive, four year, sea trials there is just myself.' 'It must take quite a crew to keep it running,' Bertha suggested. '

'I've said I'm sorry,' Norma sighed, 'but I can't take the hat boxes and I'm not leaving the hat behind. Everyone else has been rescued and so it's just us few left to transfer over.' Horace stared out to sea. 'You can take it off as soon as we get to Camille's ship,' Norma added. 'Will that take long?' 'Well, that depends on how quickly we get there. It would be a help if you offered to do some of the rowing.' But I'm a poet!' 'I don't think that actually debars you from being able to use an oar.' 'I'm holding both the bags.' Norma stopped rowing. 'Is there a problem?' Horace asked. 'I just need to catch my breath,' Norma replied. '...................................But it will take longer to get there,' said Horace and he pointed at the hat he was wearing. 'Sometimes!' 'Pardon?' 'Nothing,' said Norma and she sta

'What's that one called again?' Flossie asked. 'Which one?' said Lefty. 'The one where the t's got that little loop at the top.' 'Spiffly Whiffly,' Lefty replied. 'But it's not available in lower case.' 'Right,' said Flossie, 'just need to ask, do all fonts have silly names?' 'Mostly,' Lefty bleated. 'There are thousands of them and all the sensible names got used up years ago.' 'Reasonable answer,' Flossie replied. 'Many more to look at?' 'A couple of hundred,' said Lefty. 'And, not doubting you, but you think we need to look at them all?' Lefty nodded.  'Only,' Flossie continued, 'when forming a despicable and utterly evil plan which involved stealing islands...I never thought that finding the right font would make much of a difference.' 'Could be crucial,' Lefty replied, 'and before we started I'd already trimmed

'You are 'olding a piece of seaweed,' Camille observed. 'Yes,' Captain Bill replied. 'OK!' Camille continued. 'I 'ave to tell you that if it is intended as a gift for me, then I am wearing ma disappointed face. Also, I am using the word disappointed and furthermore I wish you to imagine that ma little students 'ave 'astily constructed a sign upon which they 'ave written the word disappointed and they are 'olding it up next to ma 'ead like some sort of oversized think bubble.' 'It's not for you,' Captain Bill replied. 'So, now they 'ave added the word 'very' to the sign as it 'as become clear that I am to receive no gift at all!' 'You see,' Captain Bill began. 'I can only conclude that you were distracted from gift buying by your need to build, what in ma eyes appears to be, an 'urriedly made barricade which you are trying, unsuccessfully I must say, to 'id

'Ah! Bonjour!' Norma mooed. 'Exactement!' Camille replied. 'Now, I am supposing that in myself and ma little students finding you 'ere, that you are already deeply involved in some tres bizarre but sadly poorly plotted adventure?' 'Cow Island has gone missing,' said Norma. 'Then I am awarding myself a tick and a big gold star!'  'I'm afraid we need rescuing.' 'Indeed!' Camille replied. 'I thought as much. We were 'appily sailing along when young Jean Claude 'ere spotted your sign calling for pleh.' 'You mean help? 'It all depends from which direction you are approaching.' 'I suppose it does,' said Norma. 'But I'm so glad that it was you who saw it.' 'And so we are once again all together like some embarrassing dysfunctional family,' Camille replied. 'And I must immediately say that the welcome, fine though it was, thank you Monsieur Cyril and

'So, I'll outshine everyone?' 'I suppose he could have found the carpet?' Norma suggested. 'And the dinner jacket, top hat, top tail hat and silver tipped cane?' Captain Bill asked. 'I'm having more trouble with those,' Norma replied. 'I just can't work out how he does it? We're stranded on a sand bar.' 'He is a very resourceful person,' Norma observed, 'and although it could just be coincidence I have realised that most of my hat boxes don't have any hats in them.' 'Typical!' said Captain Bill.  But before he could make any further observations.   'They've dropped anchor!' Bertha called down to them. 'Can you see what they look like?' Norma called back. 'Not really,' Bertha mooed. 'They're getting ready to launch a boat!' 'We should get down to the waters edge,' Norma suggested to Captain Bill. '.............................

'So, you're confident they're going to be friendly?' Captain Bill asked. 'Most people are,' Norma replied. 'Hmm,' said Captain Bill and he peered into the Makingthingsseemcloserscope. 'Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, not aggressive then?' 'Well, we can't be certain,' Norma mooed. 'Bertha said they don't appear to be hostile but she can't see them that clearly herself.' 'Hmm,' Captain Bill repeated. 'We don't have much of a choice at the moment really,' Norma continued. 'Right now a ship is a ship. We need rescuing. We can't be fussy about who the rescuer is.' '..........Just a long as you're sure they're not hostile?' 'But I just said I couldn't be!' Norma replied. 'And whoever they are, when they arrive, you'll have to greet them...as you're captain.' 'Nice to know that I still have a role to play.' 'Of cou

'Ah!' Flossie sighed. 'Is there any prettier sight than watching young lambs gambling in a field?' 'Thought you'd approve,' Lefty replied, 'and we do need to test the equipment.' 'It's a grand idea,' said Flossie. 'Parents alright about it? I'm sure you must have checked.' 'Did indeed,' Lefty bleated. 'Harriet was a little concerned at first.' 'Reason?' Flossie asked. 'Well, it's not particularly piratey.' 'True!' Flossie replied. 'And she was worried about cheating, but I assured her that it was allowed.' 'Start 'em young if you want them to become despicable, that's my motto,' said Flossie. 'Is it? Lefty asked. 'Not really,' said Flossie. 'I've never been big on mottoes.' Hookey tapped on the soft warm grass. 'True!' Flossie replied, 'very true! Now, fiendish scheme update if you please.' 

'Thanks Annie!' said Norma. Annie did a short but very happy dance. 'Tired now!' she replied. 'Have a nap,' Norma suggested, 'or several.' Annie elected to have two naps and a side order of snooze and Norma promised to wake her if anything exciting happened. 'Like a zeppelin full of camels,' Annie mooed. 'You'll be the first to know,' Norma replied. So Annie fell over sideways and slipped into a dream about being trapped in a cave made out of strawbleberry trifle. Norma, meanwhile, turned her attention towards more mundane matters. 'I suppose you're going to tell me that you're perfectly safe up there?' she asked. 'I'm fine!' Bertha shouted back. 'It's just like being in the Cows Nest on the Pickled Heifer.' Norma looked at Captain Bill. 'Well, all we can do now is wait and hope.' she said. 'And you seriously believe this is going to get us rescued?' h

Bertha made her point with authority. 'I just think we have to face up to a few things,' she said. 'Well,' Captain Bill began. 'Sadly, I agree,' Norma replied. 'Whatever's happened to Cow Island I don't think we're likely to be seeing it again any time soon.' 'We need to move into survival mode,' Bertha added. 'We won't be able to stay here indefinitely. I've estimated that we'll run out of supplies by the middle of next week.' 'And,' Captain Bill began. 'We can't swim to safety,' said Norma, 'and we don't have the materials to construct even so much as a raft.' 'I,' Captain Bill began. 'We need to attract the attention of a passing ship,' Bertha suggested. 'If,' Captain Bill began. 'That won't be easy,' Norma replied. 'Could?' 'Clearly we'll be difficult to spot as we're so low down,' Bertha said. &

'Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen.....and three thirds,' Captain Bill counted. 'Doesn't that come to sixteen?' Horace asked. '.............................................................................................That would be an easy mistake to make,' Captain Bill replied. 'Right, that's all of them.' 'So what now?' 'Errrrrrrrrrrr....welll..........I have to do the....analysis.' 'That sounds complicated,' said Horace. 'Oh horribly so! Could take hours.' 'And they taught you this in Captain School?' 'Oh yes!' Captain Bill replied. 'I think it was on day three? Day one was steering, navigation, things like that. Day two was how to keep your hat on straight and day three was seaweed measuring, when you're stuck on a sand bar....when your island has gone missing. I probably came top of the class, I often did.' 'I just don't understand what use it could be?'

'It's a good job you stopped by,' Cyril said. 'You look painfully thin.' 'Really?' Annie mooed. 'Maybe it's because of all the exhaustive searching I've been doing? I've not eaten for about 50 billion hours.' 'No wonder I can hardly see you,' Cyril replied. 'You'll need to eat several lemon drizzle cakes.' 'If I must?' said Annie. 'I insist!' Cyril insisted. 'Now, I must apologise for the lack of napkins and cake shovels. Proper etiquette will have to be placed to one side for the time being.' 'I may just shove my head straight into it and eat my way out.' 'An excellent compromise and one that maintains both levels of hygiene and personal dignity,' Cyril replied. 'I wouldn't be at all surprised if all of the top people were doing just the same thing.' 'And thank you for feeding Geraldine Penguin Person as well,' said Annie. 'Norma asked me

'It won't take long,' Norma explained. Captain Bill glanced at Norma. 'Look,' Norma continued, 'I'll admit that Horace's 'breakthrough' wasn't quite what I expected it to be but poetry is still, even in out present circumstances, a very worthwhile pursuit.' 'I was inspired by our current situation,' Horace added. 'It's going to be depressing isn't it,' said Captain Bill. 'In his defense not everything that Horace writes is depressing,' Norma replied, 'and I think it would be wrong to prejudge.' 'I can't remember the last time he wrote something with a punchline,' Captain Bill replied. Norma mouthed the words 'just listen' and with a wave of his tail Captain Bill gestured to Horace that he should begin. 'Stranded!' 'Right, must be going,' said Captain Bill. 'But....' Horace mooed. 'Sorry,' Captain Bill replied, 'I wish I

'Then that's where I'd definitely consider using a white gypsophila,' said Flossie, 'it helps to soften the display without distracting the eye from the central themes of the arrangement.' 'I'll try adding some next time around,' Lefty replied. 'We're only three weeks into the course but I've learned so much already.' 'Glad to hear it,' Flossie bleated. 'Now, back to more piratey things. Crew well? Ship safe? Are we making a good speed?' 'To be honest we're not at our swiftest,' said Lefty, 'but we are towing an island.' 'Only to be expected then,' Flossie replied, 'and no reflection on a tip top crew.' 'But we should be home in a day or two,' Lefty added, 'so we're still on schedule.' 'Then we can crack on with phase 2?' Lefty nodded. 'Just a bit more paperwork to do before then though,' and he passed a form across to Flossie, who

'I feel so guilty,' Norma mooed. 'It's obvious to me now that she had realised something was going on and wanted to tell us and I just ignored her.' 'You were under pressure at the time,' Bertha replied, 'and it wasn't only you, I was there as well.' 'She does so much for us and we just take her for granted,' Norma continued. 'I sometimes wonder if she would be better off spending more time with her own kind?' 'You mean other penguins?' 'No, other award winning authors,' Norma replied. 'I must admit I've always thought it would help if we had a clearer idea of what she was trying to say.' Norma nodded. 'I've already decided that once we've got Cow Island back I'm going to spend more time learning penguin. Annie says they have over 37,312 words just for fish.' 'That's impressive,' said Bertha. 'Even more so when you find out that they've only got

'If I find out that you're involved in this....' said Captain Bill. Cyril looked hurt. 'I'm hurt,' he said. 'It's the whole island,' Captain Bill continued. 'It's completely disappeared.' 'You can search me if you want to?' Cyril replied. 'But you'll have to promise not to tickle.' 'You could at least try to do something useful to help.' 'Name it?' said Cyril. 'I am ready to leap into action!' 'Really?' 'Like a coiled spring.' 'You? Spring?' 'Coiled,' Cyril replied. 'A coiled spring. I feel the use of the word coiled to be of critical importance,' and he took a long slurp from his drink. Captain Bill took a step closer to Cyril. 'The only thing about you that's coiled are the layers of fat.' 'Cuddly,' Cyril corrected, 'I'm cuddly. I'd like you to think of me as a giant, cuddly, coiled spring of f

Annie flicked the pebble over with her hoof. 'Coooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!' she called. Captain Bill watched her from a distance. 'Am I going to regret asking you what you're doing?' he asked. 'Looking for Cow Island,' Annie replied. 'Then I am,' said Captain Bill. 'Norma told me to leave no stone unturned.' 'If you find one large enough for me to smash my head against do let me know.' 'Okay dokey!' Annie mooed and she turned another pebble over. 'Coooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!' 'Hopeless!' said Captain Bill. But luckily for all concerned Norma chose that moment to arrive. 'Well?' Captain Bill asked. 'Nothing much to report I'm afraid,' Norma replied. 'Horace, Bertha and I have been around the edge of the sand bar twice now but there's no clue about what's happened to our ho

'Har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, me hearties!...Actually, I may have gone on a bit there,' said Flossie. 'Sounded fine to me,' Lefty replied. 'Really?' Flossie asked. 'Only I've not done any har, hars for a while and I sort of got carried away.' 'Helps to establish your character though,' Lefty suggested. 'So it does!' Flossie agreed. 'Right, on with the plot?' 'I think so,' said Lefty. 'Ah, me lucky lads and lasses,' Flossie continued, 'Har, har etc, etc. Why bother plundering ships when you can steal whole islands!' 'Well, actually, it does create quite a lot more paperwork,' Lefty replied. 'Does it?' said Flossie. 'That hadn't occurred to me. Meant it as a rhetorical question but now we're here, are you OK with the new found pressure or should we be recruiting some temporary extra admin staff? Hours and rem

'GONE!!!!!!' Norma exclaimed. 'Completely,' Bertha replied. 'What!' Captain Bill called out. 'Cow Island,' said Bertha, 'it's gone, completely disappeared...come and look.' Captain Bill, Norma and Bertha hurried back to the top of the beach and down over the other side, where they found.....just more sea. 'Lummy!' said Norma. 'It was Annie who spotted it,' mooed Bertha. For several moments the three stood and looked out on where Cow Island used to be. 'Well,' said Captain Bill eventually, 'I tried to warn you.' What???' said Bertha. 'As soon as we go on holiday. It's always a disaster.' 'What's it got to do with going on holiday?' Bertha asked. 'We haven't even left yet!' 'I'm just saying,' Captain Bill replied, 'every time we go on holiday, but would anyone listen? Does anyone pay attention to a word I say? And who will you be t

Bertha tapped the 'sensible questions only' sign with her pointy stick. Annie looked at it, a small bead of perspiration ran down her left horn. Bertha tapped it again and Annie closed her eyes. 'Ready?' Bertha asked. Annie kept her eyes tight closed but nodded her tail in reply. 'Now,' Bertha began, 'because we may all have, inadvertently, put Norma under some pressure recently and because we all care about her, we need to get some jobs done for her, so we can get on with the holiday.'...........................and she tapped the sign again. Annie's horns twitched, she took several very deep breaths. The bead of perspiration had reached the end of her nose. 'Whatwouldyoulikemetodo?' she gasped. 'I'd like you to help Horace move the hats to the Pickled Heifer so that we can get them loaded.' Bertha replied. Annie trembled, her hooves performed a barely discernible dance, she thought very, very hard. 'And

'And one vote for 'somewhere with more penguins', 'said Bertha. 'That's only four votes in total,' Norma remarked. 'Cyril ate his voting form,' Bertha replied 'and the ballot box, but luckily I had a spare.' 'Which still only makes five votes.' 'Does it?' said Bertha. Norma whacked Bertha with her tail. 'Oh yes!' mooed Bertha. 'And one vote for 'what's the point of going on holiday, why don't we stay at home, it's always a disaster anyway'. I must have inadvertently overlooked that one. I shall immediately go and apologise to the anonymous voter.'    'So to recap,' said Norma, 'that's one vote for penguins, one vote for 'somewhere rainy on a cliff', a stay at home vote, an eaten voting form and two votes for 'somewhere with a nice beach and some nearby hat shops.' 'Well you can't argue with such a free and fair demonstration of democ

'3 DAYS!' Norma exclaimed. '3 Days and we have got nowhere! 3 days of diversions and petty asides and squabbles with hardly a word spoken about the holiday! Horace, it's just a bruise, get over it! Bertha, Captain Bill is entitled to an opinion...even if it is, by and large, negative waffle. Annie, try to do the real world just once in a while! Cyril................................behave!  Captain Bill, we are going on holiday so just get used to it! And with that Norma turned and stampeded away. Only to stampede back again a few moments later. 'Horace,' she began, 'bruises are not nice, I am sincerely sorry that it hurts. Bertha, I realise you just want to move things along in a positive direction. Could you please hand around the voting forms. Annie, as reality is whatever you believe it to be, who am I to say that flying badgers don't exist. Cyril, I'll take two t-shirts in small....well, medium...unless you have them in medium large? Cap

'What if they fall?' Horace asked. 'They won't fall,' Norma replied. 'Bertha re-stacked them. I'll get them moved just as soon as we're finished.' Horace pointed to the plaster on his nose. 'I'm very sorry,' Norma sighed. 'Now, if we could get on.' 'Agreed!' agreed Bertha. 'Firstly, ' Norma began, 'thank you all for coming. As you know we're here to decide on our exciting holiday destination.' Annie waved her tail. 'Yes?' Norma asked. 'Are we there yet?' mooed Annie. 'It's started,' Captain Bill muttered. Norma gave Captain Bill a 'look'. 'Not yet,' she replied to Annie. And Annie closed her eyes, snuggled up against Cyril and nodded off. 'So,' Norma continued, 'there's lots of brochures. Some of us have already made a start in looking through them.' 'And made suggestions,' said Captain Bill. 'An

'Can you see what make it is?' Annie called out. 'Hmm, not from here,' Cyril replied. 'I'm not very good with fish and I can only see the tail. Perhaps Geraldine could help?' 'Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh! Good idea!' mooed Annie. Geraldine waved her wings about and dived beneath the waves. 'Does that mean anything?' Cyril asked. Annie shrugged her horns. 'My blossom is getting all soggy,' she added. 'That's one of the problems with wet water,' Cyril replied. 'And the ink seems to be running on my t-shirts!' 'A safety feature,' Cyril explained. 'Otherwise how would you know that you were in the sea?' 'How much rent do you think I should charge Mr Fish?' 'That would depend on the number of bedrooms?' '137,' Annie replied. 'I'll work it out for you,' said Cyril. 'Now can I suggest you come back to shore, these grass

'What about....' 'No!' mooed Bertha. Captain Bill put down his holiday brochure and stared at Bertha. 'You didn't even let me finish.' 'Because I know what you're going to suggest and we're not doing it,' she replied. 'Could I just point out...' 'No!' mooed Bertha. '...that I am Captain,' Captain Bill finished. 'And could I just point out that if you mention that once more I will jump up and down on your hat for an hour,' Bertha replied, 'while you're still wearing it.' 'Please!' said Norma. Captain Bill picked his brochure up again. 'Where are the others anyway?' he asked. 'I'm not sure about Cyril,' Norma replied. 'Horace has gone to find a plaster and Annie has gone for a paddle.' 'Typical!' said Captain Bill. 'When there's a serious decision to be made...' 'Annie did say she'd leave me a little note ab