Cow Island

'Take them away!' Queen Phoebe commanded and she waved in a regal fashion as Flossie and Lefty, led by Norman and several palace guards, marched off along the beach. 'It's so sad that they can't seem to change their evil pirate type ways,' Norma sighed. 'Possibly,' Queen Phoebe replied, 'but One had them bang to rights and no mistake so it's a ten year stretch at His Kingshipfulness's pleasure I'm afraid. 'But are you not concerned about their threat of legal action from injuries sustained due to the absence of an 'andrail?' Camille asked. 'One has already taken the precaution of employing a top notch legal team,' Queen Phoebe replied. 'One has been assured it will be dealt with in next to no time.' Norma experienced a sudden sinking feeling. 'Has it been suggested they be paid in food?' she asked. 'As it happens,' Queen Phoebe replied. Norma wondered if she should say somethi...

Norma, Queen Phoebe and Camille's little students stood and watched as the figures came nearer. Bertha appeared to be carrying Captain Bill. Camille appeared to be carrying another Captain Bill. 'One thought there was only one of them?' Queen Phoebe said. 'It's a long story,' Norma mooed. 'It so often is where your lives are concerned,' Queen Phoebe replied. One of the little students raised a hoof. 'The one on the left,' Norma said as she could guess the question that was being asked. As they got closer Norma, Queen Phoebe and Camille's little students could hear shouting coming from one of the approaching figures.  'PUT ME DOWN!' It was the voice of Captain Bill. 'DOWN!....NOW!.....DOWN!....DOWN! THAT'S AN ORDER!!!!' Norma guessed it was Bertha who was being shouted at. Norma also guessed, correctly as it happens, that Bertha wasn't taking a blind bit of notice. Eventually, Bertha, Camille and th...

'But you 'ave 'ad four directs 'its on Flossie alone!' Camille cried. 'And three on Lefty,' Bertha replied, 'but the staples are just bouncing off of their fleece.' 'But what can be done?' Camille asked. 'They will get away!' Bertha stopped firing and turned to Norma. 'You take over,' she mooed, 'I need to go back to the Pickled Heifer.' 'I shall accompany you!' Camille exclaimed. 'Norma, look after ma little students if you please. I shall be setting no 'omework in my absence but if there is time you could get them to write 'ome to their parents telling them what a great time they are 'aving....Maybe encourage them to ask for more spending money?' And so Bertha and Camille ran back towards the ship. 'Might One be of any use?' Queen Phoebe asked after they had left. 'One is feeling not quite fully used in the current crisis.' 'I'm not sure that ther...

'Thank you Norman,' Bertha mooed. 'Anytime,' Norman replied. 'And you know what you're doing next?' Norma asked him. And Norman assured them that he did and he hurried away. 'Could I just ask,' Camille began, 'this thing that you 'ave just 'ad Monsieur Norman bring from your ship...what is it?' 'You can have a guess if you want?' Bertha teased. 'Well,' Camille continued, 'if I were some sort of strange and deranged individual I could perhaps imagine that it was some kind of giant stapling machine.' 'If you have any gold stars in your handbag you may award yourself one,' Bertha replied. As it turned out Camille didn't so she couldn't but as luck would have it Norma did have some in the bottom of her knitting bag and so she gave one to Camille. 'Would One also get a gold star if One was to correctly guess what it is to be used for?' Queen Phoebe asked. And Bertha sai...

'It is your ship?' Camille asked. 'It is,' Norma replied. 'It is on an 'ill!' 'I know,' Norma mooed. 'It's complicated.' 'That is what Ms Bertha said,' Camille replied.  'Talking of Bertha?' Norma began. 'I left 'er at the ship,' Camille said, 'with the brave and occasionally conscious Capitaine Bile. Ms Bertha said to tell you she was collecting something.' 'I thought she might be,' Norma replied. 'I just hope we're not too late.' 'Well,' Camille continued, 'I must also tell you that Ms Bertha as spoken to Ms Geraldine and so I can report that the pirates 'ave been delayed! Apparently Flossie is not the only one capable of adopting a disguise and much time was lost over a dispute about a catering bill.' 'Such a clever penguin!' Norma mooed. 'She also made an excellent job of the patio extension to the castle last year,' Quee...

Over the grasslands, across the lawns, along the shingle paths, Norman rushed on, majestic, noble, a creature of power and beauty! 'One might be more careful where One is shoving One's tusks!' Queen Phoebe called out. 'Sorry!' Norman trumpeted. 'I could slow down if you'd prefer?' 'I think speed is off the essence,' Norma suggested. 'I'm sure it is,' Queen Phoebe replied, 'but One has One's dignity to maintain. One is a royal personage after all!' And Norman said he was well aware of that and that he was being as careful as he could be and so they went on. 'Was that,' Queen Phoebe asked a few minutes later, 'was that a ship we just passed?' 'I'm afraid so,' Norma replied. 'Well, what's it doing on a hill?'  'It's a long story,' Norma mooed. 'Perhaps I could explain later on?' 'I suppose under the circumstances...' Queen Phoebe replie...

'PIRATE SHEEP!!!!' Queen Phoebe cried. 'That's what Bertha and I said,' Norma replied. 'But they looked so convincing!'  'True,' Norma continued, and here she took a crude drawing out from her hatband, 'but if you take that director chappie and remove his beret and monocle and add a speech bubble saying, 'Har! Har! Har!'.' 'FLOSSIE!!!!' Queen Phoebe wailed. 'It was the perfect disguise,' Norma conceded, 'and none of us need to feel in the least bit guilty that we didn't see through it at an earlier opportunity.' 'And they have One's crown!' Queen Phoebe sobbed. 'We'll do everything we can to get it back,' Norma assured her. 'Oh, when his Kingshipfulness gets to hear of it!'  'I realise it's not good news,' Norma mooed. 'The news!!!!' Queen Phoebe cried. 'It'll be front page time and pullout specials!!!!' 'But if we ...

'Your crown?' Norma mooed. 'One has been ravaged by a giant squid,' Queen Phoebe replied. 'Oh!' Norma exclaimed. 'Only in a cinematic context,' Queen Phoebe explained, 'with no journalistic repercussions.' 'Ah!' Norma said. 'That's a relief. So, what's happening now?' 'I'm not sure,' Queen Phoebe continued. 'It's all gone very quiet.' 'Perhaps they're on a break?' Norma suggested. 'Possibly,' Queen Phoebe replied, 'and One don't normally mind but One has already done a great deal of hanging around.' 'I'm sure,' Norma mooed, 'it must be very tiring for you?' 'One's plates are throbbing something rotten,' Queen Phoebe said and she wiggled her toes at Norma. 'It does seem very quiet,' Norma said a few minutes later. 'Very quiet,' Queen Phoebe agreed. 'It's very quiet,' Bertha said as s...

'Help! Help! What can One do now?' One's kingdom has been ravaged by a giant squid,' Queen Phoebe wailed. 'GRRRRRRRRRR!' Norman trumpeted. 'Are we not doing the tentacle waving anymore?' Flossie asked. 'It's just to make sure they don't fall off again,' Lefty explained. 'Fine!' Flossie replied, 'Makes sense, on we go.' and he motioned towards Queen Phoebe to continue. 'One must do something!' she cried. 'One must save One's crown.' 'Oh, very good!' Flossie bleated. 'In my opinion the best piece of acting ever committed to film by a royal personage in a scene involving a giant squid.' 'Do you really think so?' Queen Phoebe asked. 'Oh yes,' Flossie replied. And Lefty said he agreed and the entire crew applauded. 'One does One's best,' Queen Phoebe said and she smiled and gave a royal type wave. 'Now,' Fl...

'No...no, she's nodded off again.' 'Not to worry,' Flossie replied. 'It was a boost to morale to have her awake, even if it wasn't for long.' 'I might ask Harriet to get her aboard the Mint Sauce,' Lefty bleated. 'Good idea,' Flossie agreed. And so, leaving Lefty's mum to rest, they made their way back onto the set. 'Right,' Flossie began, 'scene...whatever...think of a number. Royal champion defeated, giant squid triumphant...is he here by the way?' 'He lost a tentacle,' Lefty explained. 'So he did!' Flossie bleated. 'He's having it put back on. Shouldn't be long.' 'Fine! Right, where was I? Ah, yes, giant squid triumphant and so...finally...dramatic action time arrives!' 'Whoopee do!' Queen Phoebe yawned. 'Apologies for the delay,' Flossie replied. 'Tis one of those things when filming.' 'Well, that's all very well for ...

'GRRRR!' Norman trumpeted and he waved his tentacles about. 'Oh, very good!' Flossie bleated. 'The script does only call for GRRR,' Lefty said. 'True,' Flossie agreed, 'but I thought that was more dramatic. For me it added a layer of tension that had been missing. It helps us to understand just why her majesty is pushed toward taking such a drastic course of action.' 'It is only Norman,' Queen Phoebe pointed out. 'And what exactly is this drastic course of action One is hearing spoken about?' 'We shall come to that your majesty,' Flossie replied. 'But for now the kingdom is under attack.' 'Hmmm!' Queen Phoebe said. 'In a cinematic context only,' Flossie hastily added, 'and with a guarantee of no journalistic repercussions.' 'Hmmm!' Queen Phoebe said. 'A giant squid threatens the kingdom,' Flossie continued. 'GRRRRR!' Norman trumpeted and he wave...

'The bill's correct,' Lefty whispered. 'It wasn't a mistake.' 'But who can eat that many trifles?' Flossie asked. 'Perhaps they've got a problem?' Lefty suggested. 'You know, like an addiction.' 'Possible I suppose,' Flossie bleated. 'But 315?' 'So, what now?' Lefty asked. Flossie thought for a while.  'Change of plan,' he eventually replied. 'We can't hang about. We'll just have to improvise.' And he walked back onto the set. 'Right,' he began, '...............................................Scene 237.' 'What 'appended to all the other scenes!!!' Queen Phoebe exclaimed. 'Ah!' Flossie replied. 'Tis one of those filming things. We don't always shoot scenes in sequence. Might seem strange if you're not used to it but it's perfectly normal. So, scene.....?' '237,' Lefty said. 'In which your majest...

'It's just if you're any lower you'll be in shot,' Lefty bleated. 'Really, it's fine,' Flossie replied. 'Now, Scene 3, it is the afternoon.' 'What time exactly?' Queen Phoebe asked. Flossie looked at Lefty, Lefty shrugged. 'The precise time appears to be unimportant,' Flossie explained. 'Well it may not be to you,' Queen Phoebe replied, 'but His Kingshipfulness takes a nap around 1.30 and I wouldn't want him disturbed.' 'Then we shall make it 3 o'clock if that suits?' Flossie said. 'Fine with me,' Queen Phoebe replied. 'Pray continue.' 'Glad to be of service,' Flossie said. 'It is 3 o'clock, your majesty is inside the castle.' 'But One is outside!' Queen Phoebe observed. 'The castle will be added in later,' Lefty bleated. 'It's what we call a special effect.' 'Well I never!' Queen Phoebe replied. '...

'Your attention please!' Flossie bleated. 'Are you filming yet?' Queen Phoebe inquired. 'Not yet your majesty,' Flossie replied. 'Only One aint got her crown on straight.' 'There'll be plenty of time to sort it out,' Lefty assured. 'May I continue?' Flossie asked. And Queen Phoebe said he could. 'Thank you!' Flossie said. '...............................Forgotten where I was now?' 'Opening scene,' Lefty prompted. 'Grateful!' Flossie replied. 'Opening scene, we see your majesty walking in the garden.' 'There won't be any peasants will there?' Queen Phoebe asked. 'No, no,' Flossie replied. 'You are walking in the garden, your mind at ease. All is well in the kingdom.' 'Well, it normally is,' Queen Phoebe said. 'His Kingshipfulness, I do love 'im so, he won't have unease. It affects his digestion.' 'Understood,...

'Well, it's certainly nice to bump into a familiar horn or two,' Queen Phoebe said. 'And it's nice to be here again,' Norma replied. 'It must be very exciting for you to be having a film made on the island?' 'One is what I believe the more common folk describe as up for it,' Queen Phoebe said. 'Are you going to be in it?' Bertha asked. 'Possibly,' Queen Phoebe replied, 'possibly. One refused at first but they've begged me to appear and after checking with One's hubby, I do love him so, he said, 'Phoebescrumptious, if it helps them out and gets us some positive editorial in the tabloids, you go for it!'.' 'That's very understanding of His Majesty,' Norma suggested. 'Well, it's who he is,' Queen Phoebe replied. 'You can't stop him once he's in the mood. Kindness personified, even to the peasants. Only he's not keen on them getting too close so we're l...

'And we've never met before?' Queen Phoebe asked. 'Quite certain,' Flossie bleated. 'Sure?' Queen Phoebe asked. 'Sure!' Flossie bleated. Queen Phoebe took a long hard look at Flossie. '................................On we go then!'  'Tis very generous of you to let us be here,' Flossie said. 'The whole film crew feel very honoured.' 'Well,' Queen Phoebe replied, 'when one got your request One chatted it over with One's hubby, I do love him so, and he was right up for it.' 'Considerate of you both.' Flossie added. 'Phoebekins, he said,' Queen Phoebe continued, 'if this don't get us a couple of pages in the colour supplements I'll eat me crown and the readies will come in handy as well.' 'Most astute!' Flossie replied. 'He's like that,' Queen Phoebe said, 'but do the tabloids bother to mention it? Years of astuteness and they do...

'Come on!' Bertha mooed. 'We can't afford to dawdle.' 'Would you kindly not push!' Horace replied. 'Timing is going to be critical,' Bertha continued. 'I am a ....' 'Poet!...And they bruise just as easily as Captains.' 'One hates to interrupt but we do have a job to do,' Queen Phoebe added. Slowly, Horace's way toward the snack stand was made for him. 'You're sure you can remember what you've got to say?' Bertha asked. 'We can't afford mistakes.' 'I am very used to remembering lines,' Horace informed her. There was a family in front of them by the time they arrived. Queen Phoebe thought it best to give them a regal type wave. 'One is an ordinary holidaymaker,' she announced. The family stared back at her so she gave them a second wave. The mother raised her camera. 'NO PICTURES!!!!' Queen Phoebe screamed and the mother put her camera down again....

'So, the plan, should it be acceptable to your majesty, is to get Norman to ferry us across to Cow Island. It isn't very far and the water is quite shallow.' 'Consider him at your disposal,' Queen Phoebe replied. 'That's a kindness,' Norma smiled. 'And once we 'ave arrived?' Camille asked. 'We'll split up and, disguised as holidaymakers, we'll infiltrate their despicable piratey operation.' Norma replied. 'Hmm,' Camille mused, 'although I suspect it is just a feed for what passes as a joke, I am required to question your decision for us to split up. Do we 'ave to do so?' 'I'm afraid it's essential for two reasons,' Norma replied. 'Firstly, it will allow us to cover more ground and, secondly, it will make us easier to draw.' My suspicions are confirmed!' Camille mooed. 'I have to say One is, in the common parlance,  up for it,' Queen Phoebe added. ...

'Really,' Queen Phoebe began, 'One don't mind hiding if One has too but to be separated from One's hubby for so long....' 'It must be a great trial for you,' Norma sympathised. 'One gets the right hump about it and his Kingshipfulness will be out of his mind with worry about me.' 'Have you had no communication with him at all?' 'Not a peep! One had only popped orf for a few hours to check a few things. One don't think to take along an emergency homing haddock just in case the island One goes to visit gets stolen while you're on it.' 'I suppose not,' Norma replied. 'If it hadn't been for having Norman with me, One don't know what One would have done.' 'He must have been a great comfort to you.' 'True!' Queen Phoebe said. 'Although he has got a bit moany since the buns ran out.' 'Hardly surprising.' 'I suppose not and he spoke very wisely, ...

'Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!' mooed Annie. 'Indeed!' said Norma. 'One 'ad it built for his Kingshipfulness,' explained Queen Phoebe. 'One was going to call it 'King Otto, don't you just love him, well you'd better or it's dungeon time for you mate!' but it wouldn't all fit down one side.' 'It's a fine looking ship,' said Bertha. 'It cost squillions!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Which is partly why we had to scrap all the others.' 'How fast does it go?' asked Norma. 'One don't know,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'One couldn't afford to actually use it.' 'But we can use it now?' asked Bertha. 'Needs must,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'It's was fitted with all the very best...whatever they were. One couldn't have One's hubby driving around in anything less. It's got twin this and overhead that and sprung something else.' ...