Cow Island

'I  accept what you're saying,' said Bertha, 'but for me the physicality of sculpture will always mean that the three dimensional will triumph over the two dimensional art form.' Geraldine thought very carefully for some time about Bertha's response before nibbling a herring and sliding about on her stomach. 'Anyway,' continued Bertha, 'while I'd be very happy to continue the debate I think we'd better get on don't you?' Geraldine stood up, flapped her wings and then stared off in a random direction. 'Right,' said Bertha, 'now where were we? Ah yes! Four thousand emergency breakfasts.' So Bertha finished loading the last of the four thousand emergency breakfasts onto the Pickled Heifer and Geraldine ticket them off of the ship's manifest. 'That's Cyril taken care of,' said Bertha. 'What's next?' 'Afternoonables!' mooed Annie. 'Afternoon,' replied Bertha. ...

'No!...........No! It's...........it's not gone at all well!' bleated Flossie. 'Seemed to at the time!' replied Lefty. 'Oh!.....I couldn't agree more,' said Flossie, 'but on reflection...........we seem to have been tucked up like a kipper!' 'I actually felt sorry for him at one point,' added Lefty. 'Me too!' replied Flossie. 'But...at the end of the day......well...........well we seem to have sold a solid gold crown for a piece of carpet that's held together with bits of rope that look like they should be in a museum, one of those things that makes your cabin smell nice and a painting.' '.................................Yer!' said Lefty. 'I'm not even sure what it's supposed to be?' 'Orange, cedarwood and clove I think?' replied Lefty. 'No I meant the painting,' said Flossie. 'It's a landscape,' replied Lefty. 'Right!' muttered Flo...

'I really am so sorry,' trumpeted Norman. 'It's just one of those things,' replied Norma. 'It was an accident,' added Norman. 'I know,' replied Norma. 'We have to accept that there is more to an elephant than just a trunk and two of those mores are a pair of very pointy tusks!' 'I've not been in an art gallery for years!' said Norman. 'They won't let me in! I've tried tying cushions on the ends of them and everything' 'That's not fair,' mooed Annie. 'No it isn't,' agreed Norma. 'It's elephantist!' continued Annie. 'I couldn't have put it better myself,' said Norma, 'and anyway they're not big holes, well they are quite big but Annie will soon have them repaired.' 'I'm using a special running elephant proof stitch.' 'See!' said Norma. 'Then when she's finished she can give you a whole heap of hugs and every...

'And I finally managed to get her to take out the armchair trees,' sighed Norma. 'Hmm,' said Captain Bill, 'I have to say for her they're very restrained.' 'They're perfect for what we want,' replied Norma. 'And this one would be?' 'Giraffe sized,' replied Norma. 'So he's in!' said Captain Bill. 'All down to Cyril,' replied Norma. 'Should I ask how?' said Captain Bill. 'Best not to,' replied Norma. '............You know wood flooring's all the rage.' 'Sorry?' said Captain Bill. 'Never mind!' replied Norma. 'Erm,' continued Captain Bill, 'if you don't mind me saying, slightly worried about the hedgehogs seeing all this.' 'Oh, don't worry,' replied Norma. 'They're helping us as well.' 'Really!' mooed Captain Bill. 'I can't help feeling that could be opening a giant can of worms?...

'No!' pleaded Norma. 'Do try to focus. Remember we've spoken about this before. The real world doesn't have any armchair trees.' 'My real world does!' mooed Annie. 'Possibly!' conceded Norma. 'But we're talking about the real real world.' 'Are you sure?' asked Annie. 'Positve!' replied Norma. 'Nor does it have any tartan patterned clouds or upside down hills.' Annie put her brush down and herded very close to Norma. 'It sounds very boring this real real world of yours.' 'Perhaps it is?' said Norma. 'But that's how most people see it.' 'I much prefer my version.' replied Annie. 'And you can,' said Norma, 'it's just that we need these paintings to look like the real real world or they won't work.' 'Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?' mused Annie. 'Please?' asked Norma. 'As you like!' said Annie and she went ...

'They'll undoubtedly have formed a plan for disposing of Queen Phoebe's crown,' said Bertha, 'and if Norma and my expectations are correct it'll be a plan of such detailed complexity that we'll have little chance of penetrating through its many fiendish layers.' 'But even so,' added Norma, 'we feel we still have to try.' 'Well there's nothing like talking us up!' replied Captain Bill. 'It's trying to understand the criminal mind that will be crucial,' added Bertha. 'And we still don't know where Cyril's gone to?' asked Captain Bill. 'For such a large bovine he's surprisingly adept at hiding in the shadows,' replied Norma. 'I think our best approach will be to start without him and to look around and see what we can see.' 'We'll have to go across the site with a fine tooth comb,' observed Bertha. Annie raised a hoof. 'Not a real one!' mooed C...

'I have to say I think it's wonderful!' said Norma. 'Well you know me,' replied Bertha, 'I wasn't going to just sit around and let the time drift by.' 'It's sort of him but not him,' continued Norma. 'It's as if you've managed to capture the essential inner angst of the poet through a partially abstracted deconstruction of his individual character while still giving us an everyman figure.' 'You can see his bum from around here!' added Annie. 'And it's not your usual material is it?' asked Norma. 'This isn't stone!' 'It's papier mache,' replied Bertha. 'Interesting choice,' remarked Norma. 'I used the rejection letters from his publisher,' replied Bertha. 'He's been having them forwarded here. If you look closely you can still read bits of some of them.' Norma looked closely. 'So you can! They've spelt his name incorrectly on th...

'But it just doesn't speak to me!' mooed Bertha. 'I think it's quite nice,' replied Horace. 'But it's too staid,' continued Bertha, 'sculpture should challenge the viewer...I'd have taken a completely different approach!' 'Hmmm, I think you're taking it all a bit too seriously,' replied Horace. 'After all everybody has the right to see the world around them in their own fashion and anyway I think it's good of them to have a little museum onboard. You should just try to relax and enjoy it.' 'Enjoy it! exclaimed Bertha. 'It's a perfectly justifiable approach,' replied Horace,'just to enjoy something. It doesn't always have to be some overblown artistic struggle.' Bertha huffed. 'The paintings are just the same,' she added, 'dull, dull, dull...and everyone a landscape!' 'I think that one's pretty,' suggested Horace. 'OH PRETTY!' replied Bertha,...

Morning all, Bertha here! It's been a while since I've done any sculpture but for some reason I find that at the moment I have a strong desire TO HIT THINGS! So I thought that I'd come and do a bit of creative work. It seems to be helping. And let's face it, there's going to be plenty of time TO HIT THINGS in the coming months because without a properly appointed captain we can't actually sail the Pickled Heifer, it's just not allowed. THANK YOU SO MUCH EX-CAPTAIN BILL! Sorry, I do get a bit shouty about these things but I don't believe in keeping quiet for the sake of it. Right I think I'll just do a little bit more finishing off on this piece and then move onto the next 5 ton block. Thank you so much for your attention...do have a nice day! Bertha