Cow Island

'I can see the shrimps!' Annie called out. 'Wonderful!' Cyril replied. 'Have they got any choccie biccies perchance?' Annie briefly dipped her head back under the water before resurfacing again. 'Dark chocolate or dark chocolate or dark chocolate?' she asked. 'Hmm,' Cyril said and he thought for a moment, 'dark chocolate if they have them?' And for a second time Annie went back below the waves before reemerging carrying an extra large tin of dark chocolate biscuits. 'Shrimptastic!' Cyril mooed. Annie danced back up to the beach and gave the tin to Cyril. 'Are the fluffies here yet?' she enquired. Cyril took a moment to look off down the beach. 'No,' he replied, 'not yet.' 'Is there time for a nap?' Annie asked. And Cyril said he thought there was so Annie had a nap and Cyril amused himself by nibbling a few of the chocolate biscuits...and then a few more....and then all of...

'So, I'll outshine everyone?' 'I suppose he could have found the carpet?' Norma suggested. 'And the dinner jacket, top hat, top tail hat and silver tipped cane?' Captain Bill asked. 'I'm having more trouble with those,' Norma replied. 'I just can't work out how he does it? We're stranded on a sand bar.' 'He is a very resourceful person,' Norma observed, 'and although it could just be coincidence I have realised that most of my hat boxes don't have any hats in them.' 'Typical!' said Captain Bill.  But before he could make any further observations.   'They've dropped anchor!' Bertha called down to them. 'Can you see what they look like?' Norma called back. 'Not really,' Bertha mooed. 'They're getting ready to launch a boat!' 'We should get down to the waters edge,' Norma suggested to Captain Bill. '................................

'So, you're confident they're going to be friendly?' Captain Bill asked. 'Most people are,' Norma replied. 'Hmm,' said Captain Bill and he peered into the Makingthingsseemcloserscope. 'Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, not aggressive then?' 'Well, we can't be certain,' Norma mooed. 'Bertha said they don't appear to be hostile but she can't see them that clearly herself.' 'Hmm,' Captain Bill repeated. 'We don't have much of a choice at the moment really,' Norma continued. 'Right now a ship is a ship. We need rescuing. We can't be fussy about who the rescuer is.' '..........Just a long as you're sure they're not hostile?' 'But I just said I couldn't be!' Norma replied. 'And whoever they are, when they arrive, you'll have to greet them...as you're captain.' 'Nice to know that I still have a role to play.' 'Of cou...

Bertha made her point with authority. 'I just think we have to face up to a few things,' she said. 'Well,' Captain Bill began. 'Sadly, I agree,' Norma replied. 'Whatever's happened to Cow Island I don't think we're likely to be seeing it again any time soon.' 'We need to move into survival mode,' Bertha added. 'We won't be able to stay here indefinitely. I've estimated that we'll run out of supplies by the middle of next week.' 'And,' Captain Bill began. 'We can't swim to safety,' said Norma, 'and we don't have the materials to construct even so much as a raft.' 'I,' Captain Bill began. 'We need to attract the attention of a passing ship,' Bertha suggested. 'If,' Captain Bill began. 'That won't be easy,' Norma replied. 'Could?' 'Clearly we'll be difficult to spot as we're so low down,' Bertha said. ...

'It's a good job you stopped by,' Cyril said. 'You look painfully thin.' 'Really?' Annie mooed. 'Maybe it's because of all the exhaustive searching I've been doing? I've not eaten for about 50 billion hours.' 'No wonder I can hardly see you,' Cyril replied. 'You'll need to eat several lemon drizzle cakes.' 'If I must?' said Annie. 'I insist!' Cyril insisted. 'Now, I must apologise for the lack of napkins and cake shovels. Proper etiquette will have to be placed to one side for the time being.' 'I may just shove my head straight into it and eat my way out.' 'An excellent compromise and one that maintains both levels of hygiene and personal dignity,' Cyril replied. 'I wouldn't be at all surprised if all of the top people were doing just the same thing.' 'And thank you for feeding Geraldine Penguin Person as well,' said Annie. 'Norma asked me...

'I feel so guilty,' Norma mooed. 'It's obvious to me now that she had realised something was going on and wanted to tell us and I just ignored her.' 'You were under pressure at the time,' Bertha replied, 'and it wasn't only you, I was there as well.' 'She does so much for us and we just take her for granted,' Norma continued. 'I sometimes wonder if she would be better off spending more time with her own kind?' 'You mean other penguins?' 'No, other award winning authors,' Norma replied. 'I must admit I've always thought it would help if we had a clearer idea of what she was trying to say.' Norma nodded. 'I've already decided that once we've got Cow Island back I'm going to spend more time learning penguin. Annie says they have over 37,312 words just for fish.' 'That's impressive,' said Bertha. 'Even more so when you find out that they've only got...

'If I find out that you're involved in this....' said Captain Bill. Cyril looked hurt. 'I'm hurt,' he said. 'It's the whole island,' Captain Bill continued. 'It's completely disappeared.' 'You can search me if you want to?' Cyril replied. 'But you'll have to promise not to tickle.' 'You could at least try to do something useful to help.' 'Name it?' said Cyril. 'I am ready to leap into action!' 'Really?' 'Like a coiled spring.' 'You? Spring?' 'Coiled,' Cyril replied. 'A coiled spring. I feel the use of the word coiled to be of critical importance,' and he took a long slurp from his drink. Captain Bill took a step closer to Cyril. 'The only thing about you that's coiled are the layers of fat.' 'Cuddly,' Cyril corrected, 'I'm cuddly. I'd like you to think of me as a giant, cuddly, coiled spring of f...

Annie flicked the pebble over with her hoof. 'Coooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!' she called. Captain Bill watched her from a distance. 'Am I going to regret asking you what you're doing?' he asked. 'Looking for Cow Island,' Annie replied. 'Then I am,' said Captain Bill. 'Norma told me to leave no stone unturned.' 'If you find one large enough for me to smash my head against do let me know.' 'Okay dokey!' Annie mooed and she turned another pebble over. 'Coooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!' 'Hopeless!' said Captain Bill. But luckily for all concerned Norma chose that moment to arrive. 'Well?' Captain Bill asked. 'Nothing much to report I'm afraid,' Norma replied. 'Horace, Bertha and I have been around the edge of the sand bar twice now but there's no clue about what's happened to our ho...

'GONE!!!!!!' Norma exclaimed. 'Completely,' Bertha replied. 'What!' Captain Bill called out. 'Cow Island,' said Bertha, 'it's gone, completely disappeared...come and look.' Captain Bill, Norma and Bertha hurried back to the top of the beach and down over the other side, where they found.....just more sea. 'Lummy!' said Norma. 'It was Annie who spotted it,' mooed Bertha. For several moments the three stood and looked out on where Cow Island used to be. 'Well,' said Captain Bill eventually, 'I tried to warn you.' What???' said Bertha. 'As soon as we go on holiday. It's always a disaster.' 'What's it got to do with going on holiday?' Bertha asked. 'We haven't even left yet!' 'I'm just saying,' Captain Bill replied, 'every time we go on holiday, but would anyone listen? Does anyone pay attention to a word I say? And who will you be t...

Bertha tapped the 'sensible questions only' sign with her pointy stick. Annie looked at it, a small bead of perspiration ran down her left horn. Bertha tapped it again and Annie closed her eyes. 'Ready?' Bertha asked. Annie kept her eyes tight closed but nodded her tail in reply. 'Now,' Bertha began, 'because we may all have, inadvertently, put Norma under some pressure recently and because we all care about her, we need to get some jobs done for her, so we can get on with the holiday.'...........................and she tapped the sign again. Annie's horns twitched, she took several very deep breaths. The bead of perspiration had reached the end of her nose. 'Whatwouldyoulikemetodo?' she gasped. 'I'd like you to help Horace move the hats to the Pickled Heifer so that we can get them loaded.' Bertha replied. Annie trembled, her hooves performed a barely discernible dance, she thought very, very hard. 'And...

'And one vote for 'somewhere with more penguins', 'said Bertha. 'That's only four votes in total,' Norma remarked. 'Cyril ate his voting form,' Bertha replied 'and the ballot box, but luckily I had a spare.' 'Which still only makes five votes.' 'Does it?' said Bertha. Norma whacked Bertha with her tail. 'Oh yes!' mooed Bertha. 'And one vote for 'what's the point of going on holiday, why don't we stay at home, it's always a disaster anyway'. I must have inadvertently overlooked that one. I shall immediately go and apologise to the anonymous voter.'    'So to recap,' said Norma, 'that's one vote for penguins, one vote for 'somewhere rainy on a cliff', a stay at home vote, an eaten voting form and two votes for 'somewhere with a nice beach and some nearby hat shops.' 'Well you can't argue with such a free and fair demonstration of democ...

'What if they fall?' Horace asked. 'They won't fall,' Norma replied. 'Bertha re-stacked them. I'll get them moved just as soon as we're finished.' Horace pointed to the plaster on his nose. 'I'm very sorry,' Norma sighed. 'Now, if we could get on.' 'Agreed!' agreed Bertha. 'Firstly, ' Norma began, 'thank you all for coming. As you know we're here to decide on our exciting holiday destination.' Annie waved her tail. 'Yes?' Norma asked. 'Are we there yet?' mooed Annie. 'It's started,' Captain Bill muttered. Norma gave Captain Bill a 'look'. 'Not yet,' she replied to Annie. And Annie closed her eyes, snuggled up against Cyril and nodded off. 'So,' Norma continued, 'there's lots of brochures. Some of us have already made a start in looking through them.' 'And made suggestions,' said Captain Bill. 'An...

'Can you see what make it is?' Annie called out. 'Hmm, not from here,' Cyril replied. 'I'm not very good with fish and I can only see the tail. Perhaps Geraldine could help?' 'Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh! Good idea!' mooed Annie. Geraldine waved her wings about and dived beneath the waves. 'Does that mean anything?' Cyril asked. Annie shrugged her horns. 'My blossom is getting all soggy,' she added. 'That's one of the problems with wet water,' Cyril replied. 'And the ink seems to be running on my t-shirts!' 'A safety feature,' Cyril explained. 'Otherwise how would you know that you were in the sea?' 'How much rent do you think I should charge Mr Fish?' 'That would depend on the number of bedrooms?' '137,' Annie replied. 'I'll work it out for you,' said Cyril. 'Now can I suggest you come back to shore, these grass ...

'What about....' 'No!' mooed Bertha. Captain Bill put down his holiday brochure and stared at Bertha. 'You didn't even let me finish.' 'Because I know what you're going to suggest and we're not doing it,' she replied. 'Could I just point out...' 'No!' mooed Bertha. '...that I am Captain,' Captain Bill finished. 'And could I just point out that if you mention that once more I will jump up and down on your hat for an hour,' Bertha replied, 'while you're still wearing it.' 'Please!' said Norma. Captain Bill picked his brochure up again. 'Where are the others anyway?' he asked. 'I'm not sure about Cyril,' Norma replied. 'Horace has gone to find a plaster and Annie has gone for a paddle.' 'Typical!' said Captain Bill. 'When there's a serious decision to be made...' 'Annie did say she'd leave me a little note ab...

'Hopeless!' said Captain Bill. 'Absolutely hopeless!' 'I just don't think it's deliberate,' Norma replied. 'Every single time!' Captain Bill continued. 'There's simply no respect!  'I just think she gets carried away,' said Norma. 'Hopefully by the next tide,' Captain Bill replied. 'A nd when they're together...' 'I concede it is worse when she's with Cyril.' 'And the next time we're in a life or death struggle with ferocious hostiles who will they turn to to save them with a heroic display of bravery?' 'Well?' said Norma. Captain Bill straightened his hat. 'So where is the walking dustbin?'  'I suggested he should go and help Horace and Bertha,' Norma replied. 'They're moving....some essential holiday items.' 'That'll be hats will it?' '...............................................Possibly! Bertha and I ha...

'It's not actually addressed to anyone,' pointed out Captain Bill, 'it just says 'to whom it may concern'.' 'But the post haddock clearly gave it to you,' said Bertha. 'I was just closest,' replied Captain Bill. 'So are you going to open it?' asked Norma. 'I see no need to rush at it,' replied Captain Bill. 'You're always like this with letters,' continued Norma. 'If by that you mean that I take my time to consider things...then I'd happily agree,' replied Captain Bill. 'Well someone needs to open it!' mooed Bertha. So everyone stood and looked at the envelope. 'Well then?' asked Norma. 'It's not actually addressed to anyone,' repeated Captain Bill. 'Oh, give it here!' said Bertha and with the flick of her horn the envelope was open. From inside she drew out a single thick neatly typed piece of card. 'What does it say?' asked Norm...

'It is NOT a pirate costume!' continued Captain Bill. 'It is simply proper bathing attire.' 'That just happens to make you look like a pirate,' replied Bertha. 'It does a bit,' agreed Norma. 'I suspect it creates an air of sophistication that you two would find difficult to comprehend!' replied Captain Bill. 'Still makes you look like a pirate,' said Bertha. 'I shall ignore you,' replied Captain Bill. And he did. 'Sorry,' said Bertha after a while. 'Accepted,' replied Captain Bill. 'So...' continued Bertha, 'if I asked really nicely....would you....would you say 'yo ho ho'?' Captain Bill turned to Norma. 'Could you,' he asked, 'kindly inform your friend that I am one step away from abandoning this whole affair and that her contribution is not helping.' 'I will,' replied Norma, '.....................................although if you are...

'But it's a higher tariff,' explained Bertha, 'because it's quite a tricky dive.' 'Is this going to go on for much longer?' asked Captain Bill. 'Oh don't be such a spoil sport!' replied Norma. So Geraldine did her dive and everyone applauded. 'I have to say she looks very at home in the water,' added Norma. 'She's a penguin!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'Of course she's going to look at home in the water! She's a penguin, it's where they live!' 'Just saying,' replied Norma. 'This is ridiculous!' continued Captain Bill. 'We've only been here for half an hour,' said Bertha. 'And for how long are we required to remain?' asked Captain Bill, 'or didn't Ms Nutter specify?' 'You're only saying that...' called out Annie but the rest of her words were drowned out by Geraldine taking another dive. 'It's almost as if she were ...

'....Boarding ships, swinging on ropes, duelling to the death,' replied Cyril, 'at least that's what it says on the posters.' 'No mention of cake then?' asked Annie. 'Or ice creams,' replied Cyril. 'I shall probably not become one then,' said Annie. 'Smart move!' said Cyril. 'By the way, have you seen the other ice creams? They still don't seem to have arrived!' 'I haven't seen anything for a while.' replied Annie. 'So you haven't!' said Cyril. 'I suppose it must be because the days are getting shorter now?' 'Possibly a factor,' agreed Cyril. But then he reached over and removed what was left of the inflatable ring from Annie's head. 'Oooooooh!' mooed Annie. 'Morning already!' 'Must be time for breakfasts then,' suggested Cyril. 'How many?' asked Annie. 'To tell the truth,' replied Cyril, 'those ice creams ha...

'And of course the best thing about them is that they're not covered by any major employment laws.' 'Really?' mooed Annie, 'I never realised that fish could be so interesting! Thanks for the ice creams by the way,' she added. 'Pleasure!' replied Cyril, 'I don't know where the little man has got to with the others? He should have been here by now!' 'I always think that an ice cream isn't a proper ice cream unless you eat a dozen of them at a time.' remarked Annie. Depends,' replied Cyril, 'I suppose if you were in a hurry and didn't have much time to spare then a dozen might suffice.' 'Norma says too much ice cream is bad for you.' 'I suspect Norma's information is faulty,' replied Cyril, 'it often is.' 'But she's very kind,' added Annie. 'Mmmmm,' said Cyril. 'So shall we start looking for Queen Phoebe's legs?' 'Crown,' c...