Cow Island

'But you 'ave 'ad four directs 'its on Flossie alone!' Camille cried. 'And three on Lefty,' Bertha replied, 'but the staples are just bouncing off of their fleece.' 'But what can be done?' Camille asked. 'They will get away!' Bertha stopped firing and turned to Norma. 'You take over,' she mooed, 'I need to go back to the Pickled Heifer.' 'I shall accompany you!' Camille exclaimed. 'Norma, look after ma little students if you please. I shall be setting no 'omework in my absence but if there is time you could get them to write 'ome to their parents telling them what a great time they are 'aving....Maybe encourage them to ask for more spending money?' And so Bertha and Camille ran back towards the ship. 'Might One be of any use?' Queen Phoebe asked after they had left. 'One is feeling not quite fully used in the current crisis.' 'I'm not sure that ther...

'Curses!' Flossie cried. 'Delayed again!' 'And forced to take a diversion via the old cliff path just to get around them,' Lefty added. Flossie paused for a moment.  'Hmm,' he pondered out loud, 'slightly laboured lines if you ask me.' 'Helps to establish the scene though,' Lefty replied. '....Suppose,' Flossie said, 'and it's a nice walk...good views.' 'Bit steep in places,' Lefty observed. 'I mean, it's OK for us but Mum would find it a bit of a struggle and strictly speaking they should put in some sort of safety handrail. If we weren't in such a hurry I'd speak to someone about it.' 'Maybe you could write to them?' Flossie suggested. 'After we get home.' 'Oh!' Lefty bleated. 'That's a good idea! As long as you don't mind?' 'Absolutely fine with me,' Flossie replied. 'Might be best not to put our address on it though...

'Afternoon!' Cyril said. 'It's morning,' Flossie bleated. 'So it is!' Cyril replied. 'If you could make a note of that please?' And Lefty wrote it down. 'Shall we continue?' Cyril asked. 'FREE CAKE!!!!!' Annie mooed. 'Errr?' Flossie replied. 'Kind of you but we're in a bit of a hurry.' 'Ah!' Cyril cried. 'You misunderstand! My Friend was actually wondering if you had any free cake....for us?' Annie stampeded around Cyril and slid to a halt in front of Flossie. 'I'm a cake eater,' she explained, 'and Mr Sir Cyril of Biscuitshire is a walrus. It's parody!' and she turned away but then stopped. 'Or possibly homage?' she added and she ran back behind Cyril but went via the sea so she could have a paddle on the way. 'I'm afraid we have no cake,' Lefty explained. Annie fainted. 'Oh!' Lefty said. 'It's just pretend!...

'I can see the shrimps!' Annie called out. 'Wonderful!' Cyril replied. 'Have they got any choccie biccies perchance?' Annie briefly dipped her head back under the water before resurfacing again. 'Dark chocolate or dark chocolate or dark chocolate?' she asked. 'Hmm,' Cyril said and he thought for a moment, 'dark chocolate if they have them?' And for a second time Annie went back below the waves before reemerging carrying an extra large tin of dark chocolate biscuits. 'Shrimptastic!' Cyril mooed. Annie danced back up to the beach and gave the tin to Cyril. 'Are the fluffies here yet?' she enquired. Cyril took a moment to look off down the beach. 'No,' he replied, 'not yet.' 'Is there time for a nap?' Annie asked. And Cyril said he thought there was so Annie had a nap and Cyril amused himself by nibbling a few of the chocolate biscuits...and then a few more....and then all of...

'It is your ship?' Camille asked. 'It is,' Norma replied. 'It is on an 'ill!' 'I know,' Norma mooed. 'It's complicated.' 'That is what Ms Bertha said,' Camille replied.  'Talking of Bertha?' Norma began. 'I left 'er at the ship,' Camille said, 'with the brave and occasionally conscious Capitaine Bile. Ms Bertha said to tell you she was collecting something.' 'I thought she might be,' Norma replied. 'I just hope we're not too late.' 'Well,' Camille continued, 'I must also tell you that Ms Bertha as spoken to Ms Geraldine and so I can report that the pirates 'ave been delayed! Apparently Flossie is not the only one capable of adopting a disguise and much time was lost over a dispute about a catering bill.' 'Such a clever penguin!' Norma mooed. 'She also made an excellent job of the patio extension to the castle last year,' Quee...

Over the grasslands, across the lawns, along the shingle paths, Norman rushed on, majestic, noble, a creature of power and beauty! 'One might be more careful where One is shoving One's tusks!' Queen Phoebe called out. 'Sorry!' Norman trumpeted. 'I could slow down if you'd prefer?' 'I think speed is off the essence,' Norma suggested. 'I'm sure it is,' Queen Phoebe replied, 'but One has One's dignity to maintain. One is a royal personage after all!' And Norman said he was well aware of that and that he was being as careful as he could be and so they went on. 'Was that,' Queen Phoebe asked a few minutes later, 'was that a ship we just passed?' 'I'm afraid so,' Norma replied. 'Well, what's it doing on a hill?'  'It's a long story,' Norma mooed. 'Perhaps I could explain later on?' 'I suppose under the circumstances...' Queen Phoebe replie...

'Sorry for the delay,' Lefty bleated and he paused for a moment to catch his breath. 'Problem?' Flossie asked. 'They tried to overcharge on the pancakes,' Lefty replied. 'Never!!!' Flossie cried. 'Seriously,' Lefty assured him. 'I was sure I was right but the manager had mislaid the paperwork and it took ages to find it. Their filing system left a lot to be desired I can tell you.' 'Just goes to prove that it's always worth checking though,' Flossie replied. 'That's what I thought,' Lefty said, 'but I knew we were pressed for time.' 'No, no!' Flossie interrupted. 'You did absolutely the right thing. Overcharging on a catering bill is something I simply will not stand for.' 'Anyway,' Lefty continued, 'it's all sorted and paid for so we can get going whenever you want.' 'I quite like the view from here,' Flossie replied, 'but it might be for...

''as 'e fainted?' Camille asked. 'He always does when you mention pirate sheep,' Bertha replied. 'That's why I wanted to be the first to tell him.' 'But it seems too ludicrous to be true!' 'Honestly,' Bertha mooed, 'every time.' 'No,' Camille corrected, 'I mean about the pirate sheep.' 'Oh, I see!' Bertha replied. 'But,' and here she took a crude drawing from under her hat, 'if you take that director chappie, remove his beret and monocle and add a speech bubble saying 'Har! Har! Har!'.' 'Mon dieu!' Camille exclaimed. 'Flossie!!!!' 'The self same,' Bertha replied. 'The disguise was almost foolproof and none of us need feel in the least bit embarrassed that we failed to realise who it was at an earlier point in time.' 'Agreed!' Camille agreed. 'Just curious but....do you think there's any chance that ma little stude...

'PIRATE SHEEP!!!!' Queen Phoebe cried. 'That's what Bertha and I said,' Norma replied. 'But they looked so convincing!'  'True,' Norma continued, and here she took a crude drawing out from her hatband, 'but if you take that director chappie and remove his beret and monocle and add a speech bubble saying, 'Har! Har! Har!'.' 'FLOSSIE!!!!' Queen Phoebe wailed. 'It was the perfect disguise,' Norma conceded, 'and none of us need to feel in the least bit guilty that we didn't see through it at an earlier opportunity.' 'And they have One's crown!' Queen Phoebe sobbed. 'We'll do everything we can to get it back,' Norma assured her. 'Oh, when his Kingshipfulness gets to hear of it!'  'I realise it's not good news,' Norma mooed. 'The news!!!!' Queen Phoebe cried. 'It'll be front page time and pullout specials!!!!' 'But if we ...

'PIRATE SHEEP!!!!!' Norma and Bertha exclaimed in unison. 'Apparently,' Horace nervously replied. 'At least, Geraldine thinks so.' 'You've spoken to her?' Bertha asked. 'Annie did,' Horace replied. 'You know I've always found it difficult understanding Penguin.' Norma looked at Bertha, Bertha looked at Norma, they both looked back at Horace. 'Where are they now?' Norma asked. 'Who?' Horace replied. 'Annie? Cyril? Geraldine? Or the pirate sheep?' 'All of them!' Bertha mooed. 'In that order!' 'I've no idea,' Horace replied. 'Cyril pulled the megaphone out of a bin, hit it a few times and then gave it to me and said I should get you all here. Then they ran off.' Norma and Bertha did the looking at each other thing again. 'What do you think?' Norma asked. 'Could it be true?' 'Do you mean about Cyril running or the film crew being p...

'That was quite possibly the best cream tea I've ever had,' Cyril said. 'Which one?' Annie asked. Cyril consulted his score book.  'Number 173,' he replied. 'I felt the balance between cream and jam almost perfect. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that the only thing it really lacked was more cream...and jam......and maybe a side order of extra cream....with more jam...and a couple of hundred more scones. How was the ice cream?' 'It was strawbleberry,' Annie mooed. 'I did 3 lengths of backstroke but after that there was only enough left to paddle in.' 'Wonderful!' Cyril replied. 'Now, any luck with the choccie biccies?' 'No,' Horace said. 'Shame,' Cyril replied. 'Have a cream tea.' 'I can't,' Horace said, 'you've eaten them all.' 'Oh!' Cyril mooed. 'How sad! You should have been here earlier on.' 'I was,' Horace replied, ...

'Help! Help! What can One do now?' One's kingdom has been ravaged by a giant squid,' Queen Phoebe wailed. 'GRRRRRRRRRR!' Norman trumpeted. 'Are we not doing the tentacle waving anymore?' Flossie asked. 'It's just to make sure they don't fall off again,' Lefty explained. 'Fine!' Flossie replied, 'Makes sense, on we go.' and he motioned towards Queen Phoebe to continue. 'One must do something!' she cried. 'One must save One's crown.' 'Oh, very good!' Flossie bleated. 'In my opinion the best piece of acting ever committed to film by a royal personage in a scene involving a giant squid.' 'Do you really think so?' Queen Phoebe asked. 'Oh yes,' Flossie replied. And Lefty said he agreed and the entire crew applauded. 'One does One's best,' Queen Phoebe said and she smiled and gave a royal type wave. 'Now,' Fl...

'No...no, she's nodded off again.' 'Not to worry,' Flossie replied. 'It was a boost to morale to have her awake, even if it wasn't for long.' 'I might ask Harriet to get her aboard the Mint Sauce,' Lefty bleated. 'Good idea,' Flossie agreed. And so, leaving Lefty's mum to rest, they made their way back onto the set. 'Right,' Flossie began, 'scene...whatever...think of a number. Royal champion defeated, giant squid triumphant...is he here by the way?' 'He lost a tentacle,' Lefty explained. 'So he did!' Flossie bleated. 'He's having it put back on. Shouldn't be long.' 'Fine! Right, where was I? Ah, yes, giant squid triumphant and so...finally...dramatic action time arrives!' 'Whoopee do!' Queen Phoebe yawned. 'Apologies for the delay,' Flossie replied. 'Tis one of those things when filming.' 'Well, that's all very well for ...

'Well, I never knew that!' Flossie bleated. 'A flock of pancakes! Who'd have thought it?' 'I would have gone for coven,' Lefty said. 'A bankruptcy would be more appropriate,' Flossie sighed. 'And there's several dozen family sized cakes, 24 bowls of sugar and a swimming pool of ice cream on the same bill,' Lefty added. 'We haven't hired a coach full of very thin people at some point?' Flossie asked. 'No,' Lefty replied, '......I checked.' 'Oh well,' Flossie said. 'If the newly improvised diabolically fiendish plan works we can still break even.' 'Needs to,' Flossie replied. 'Is the Mint Sauce ready to sail?' 'I've sent Harriet and Slightly Threatening Dave down to make sure,' Lefty said. 'Top choice!' Flossie bleated. 'We'll need everyone ready. It'll come down to split second timing. The whole flock will need to play their p...

'I think I just got carried away in the moment,' Norman trumpeted. 'It's easily done,' Bertha replied. 'I hope it didn't hurt him?' 'Oh, he'll be fine,' Bertha mooed. 'He's used to it.' 'It's just I think I'd really got myself into the whole giant squid mindset.' 'Really,' Bertha continued, 'I wouldn't worry about him.' 'And one of my tentacles came off!' 'I'll help you find it,' Bertha offered. 'It's the least I can do.' 'That's kind of you,' Norman replied.  'Do you know if they were filming it?' Bertha asked. 'Only, I thought I might ask for a copy, just for private use obviously.' 'I don't think so,' Norman said. 'We were only rehearsing.' 'Oh well,' Bertha mooed. 'It's just that I don't normally get to see it from that angle, I'm usually too close to him.' ...

'Really, I ask you, 'ow could they 'ave written such a scene?' Camille mooed. 'Oooooooooooooooh!' Captain Bill moaned. 'I 'ave a mind to completely withdraw ma support for the entire film,' Camille continued. 'Oooooooooooooooh!' Captain Bill moaned. 'But you understand that it would be depriving ma little students of a once in a lifetime educational opportunity that also 'appens to pay quite astonishing amounts of cash.' 'Oooooooooooooooh!' Captain Bill moaned. 'Also, there is always the chance that if it makes money they might well commission a series of sequels and I am thinking that sixteen weeks of exotic on location filming each year for say five years is not to be sniffed at.' 'Ooooooooooooooh!' Captain Bill moaned. 'And of course we know that it was only pretend because in real life the brave Capitaine Bile would 'ave no problem defeating a giant squid. I 'ave made this...

'You should eat a chocolate biscuit or two,' Cyril said. 'Always cheers me up.' 'I can't,' Horace replied. 'There aren't any left.' 'Really?' Cyril said. '...................................That's depressing.' 'I could do a happy dance if it would help?' Annie mooed. And Cyril said it would help a great deal, so Annie climbed onto the table and did a very happy dance. 'Tired now!' she said and promptly fell asleep. '.....................................Could have done with a choccie biccie,' Cyril continued and he nibbled the corner of Annie's hat. 'Needs more sugar,' he mused and he smiled toward a waitress who came straight over. 'A bowl of sugar if you please,' he said and then, just to be on the safe side, he ordered 23 more bowls of sugar, several family sized cakes, a swimming pool of ice cream and a flock of pancakes. 'It'll do to tide me over unti...

'GRRRR!' Norman trumpeted and he waved his tentacles about. 'Oh, very good!' Flossie bleated. 'The script does only call for GRRR,' Lefty said. 'True,' Flossie agreed, 'but I thought that was more dramatic. For me it added a layer of tension that had been missing. It helps us to understand just why her majesty is pushed toward taking such a drastic course of action.' 'It is only Norman,' Queen Phoebe pointed out. 'And what exactly is this drastic course of action One is hearing spoken about?' 'We shall come to that your majesty,' Flossie replied. 'But for now the kingdom is under attack.' 'Hmmm!' Queen Phoebe said. 'In a cinematic context only,' Flossie hastily added, 'and with a guarantee of no journalistic repercussions.' 'Hmmm!' Queen Phoebe said. 'A giant squid threatens the kingdom,' Flossie continued. 'GRRRRR!' Norman trumpeted and he wave...

'I'm a giant squid,' Norman trumpeted. 'Lovely!' Norma replied. '....................What happened to you being a castle?' 'I'm not entirely sure,' Norman said. 'I just got called to the costume department and an hour later....I guess it's all part of the whirlwind life of a film actor.' 'Well, at least you're not in danger of being typecast,' Bertha mooed. 'That's what I said to myself,' Norman replied, 'and although it is more of a trunk based role I feel there's more to play with as a giant squid AND I get to speak.' 'How exciting!' Norma said. 'What do you say?' 'I say GRRR,' Norman replied, 'and I wave my tentacles about.' 'So you'll be a proper actor?' Bertha asked. Norman nodded. 'It's a lot to take on at short notice though,' he explained. 'For instance I'm not sure whether to say GRRR or GRRRR?' 'GR...