Cow Island

'It's getting dark,' Captain Bill observed. 'So it is,' Norma replied. 'I'll give them 5 more minutes.' 'That's kind of you,' Norma suggested. Captain Bill nodded in agreement. 'I don't want them to miss out,' he finally replied. 'I really thought they'd want to be here.' 'I do know that Horace is too busy though,' Norma explained. 'He's got a poem that he's trying to finish.' 'Oh!' Captain Bill mooed. 'Struggling is he?' 'He said he's not feeling depressed enough to really tackle it,' Norma replied. 'And Cyril and Annie are having a 'Who can eat the most trifle' competition.' Captain Bill looked puzzled. 'Didn't they have that a couple of months ago?' he asked. 'It's the same one,' Norma replied. 'They're both very keen on winning.' 'Oh!' Captain Bill mooed for the second time. ...

'....and that's when I told her it was a meeting of the highest level,' concluded Norma. 'And we can't be sued over that?' queried Captain Bill. 'I mean legally there's no actual definition of 'highest level'?' 'But it is!' replied Norma. 'There's the 3 of us and a penguin!' said Captain Bill. 'It's the quality that counts,' mooed Norma. 'There's the 3 of us and a penguin!' repeated Captain Bill. 'Are you saying I'm not high quality?' asked Bertha. 'Shall we move on?' suggested Norma. 'We still have to deal with the basic problem. How do we track down Flossie and his hoard of despicable pirate henchsheep?' Captain Bill looked nervous. 'Define hoard?' he asked. 'I don't know,' replied Norma. '50 perhaps?' '50!!!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'Roughly speaking,' replied Norma. 'And I bet rough would...

'So let me assure you that after a rather unexpected pause we're now completely back on the case,' said Norma. 'Well, One should bloomin' well 'ope so!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'One isn't at all 'appy, let me tell you!' 'We are very sorry,' continued Norma. 'It's not so much the hiding in the woods that hurts,' replied Queen Phoebe, 'but One hasn't had a good knees up for what seems like forever!' 'It must be difficult,' agreed Norma. 'It is!' moaned Queen Phoebe, 'and of course One misses One's hubbie, he's lovely, everybody says so, even the ones what isn't paid to!' 'I do hope you've still been able to see him?' asked Norma. 'Briefly,' replied Queen Phoebe, 'it was 'im what made my little substitute crown. Made it with his own hands he did and a royal personage isn't used to that sort of thing.' 'It's lovely,...

'But as health and safety courses go it was really interesting,' continued Lefty. 'Well glad I sent you on it then!' replied Flossie, 'and the posters?' 'Mostly about running with swords. I'm afraid they've tightened things up again!' At this moment Hooky tapped several times on the grass. 'Well,' replied Lefty, 'it now covers swords, daggers, forks including cake forks and skewers.' 'Doesn't leave a lot!' said Flossie dispiritedly. 'I had a word with mum,' replied Lefty, 'she's got some long handled spoons in a draw somewhere.' 'Not the same though is it!' said Flossie. 'Boarding an enemy vessel, swinging across on a rope with a long handled spoon clenched between your gnashers.' 'Ah!' said Lefty. 'Glad you mentioned that. Rope's out!' 'Out!' bleated Flossie. 'Out!' confirmed Lefty. 'From now on boarding can only be car...

'And of course the best thing about them is that they're not covered by any major employment laws.' 'Really?' mooed Annie, 'I never realised that fish could be so interesting! Thanks for the ice creams by the way,' she added. 'Pleasure!' replied Cyril, 'I don't know where the little man has got to with the others? He should have been here by now!' 'I always think that an ice cream isn't a proper ice cream unless you eat a dozen of them at a time.' remarked Annie. Depends,' replied Cyril, 'I suppose if you were in a hurry and didn't have much time to spare then a dozen might suffice.' 'Norma says too much ice cream is bad for you.' 'I suspect Norma's information is faulty,' replied Cyril, 'it often is.' 'But she's very kind,' added Annie. 'Mmmmm,' said Cyril. 'So shall we start looking for Queen Phoebe's legs?' 'Crown,' c...

'I wasn't!' said Captain Bill. 'WAS!' replied Bertha. 'Perhaps if we could move on?' suggested Norma. 'He was!' continued Bertha. 'Wasn't!' replied Captain Bill. Please!' pleaded Norma. Bertha and Captain Bill glowered at each other. 'Queen Phoebe's crown?' said Norma. 'We have promised to get it back.' 'OK!' agreed Bertha. 'Fine!' said Captain Bill. 'Soooooooooo,' smiled Norma, 'the question facing us is how do we track down a flock of utterly ruthless pirate sheep? Any thoughts?' Horace waved his pencil to attract Norma's attention. 'Yes?' asked Norma. 'Actually I've already started on an idea.' 'Wonderful!' mooed Norma. 'What is it?' Horace held up a piece of paper. 'It's a poem!' he said. '.....................Erm!........Well done!' replied Norma. 'I thought if I wrote a poem ...

'Well I really do think you aught to be there,' said Norma. 'I'm sure you'll manage without me,' replied Captain Bill. 'But everyone else in coming,' continued Norma, 'even Cyril!' 'Whoppee!'  'He wants to know if you'd like to buy a fridge?' 'Not at the moment thank you.' 'Anyway, we do need to discuss what we're going to do about helping Queen Phoebe,' added Norma. 'We already had a meeting about that last year,' remarked Captain Bill. 'IS HE COMING?' called out Bertha. 'Does she have to shout?' said Captain Bill. 'It's just her way,' replied Norma......'You're stuck again aren't you?' 'I am not stuck again!' replied Captain Bill. 'IS HE STUCK AGAIN?' called out Bertha. 'Why did you lay down in a hedge anyway?' asked Norma. 'It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time,' replied Cap...

You've missed him! You've wanted him! You know you've got to have him! The one...the only...he's back at last! IIIIIIIIIIITTTTT'SSSSSSSSSSS CYRILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! (A fly past, a band and a swoon) Ladies! And let's be honest one or two of you might still be! It's me! The love of your life! How are you? Long time no see. What can I say? Your hair! Don't think I haven't noticed! And you're even prettier! How do you manage it? I know what you're thinking Where has he been? What's he been up to? Tell us all! If only I could. Needless to say, hearts mended, cake eaten, I can still lay my hoof on one if you're interested and it'll only be a crime if we're caught! But mostly I've been thinking of you. I won't say what I've been thinking but we giggled a lot and were both very tired when we'd finished. So I'm back in your life and you're back in mine and there's a road ful...

'I have to say I think it's wonderful!' said Norma. 'Well you know me,' replied Bertha, 'I wasn't going to just sit around and let the time drift by.' 'It's sort of him but not him,' continued Norma. 'It's as if you've managed to capture the essential inner angst of the poet through a partially abstracted deconstruction of his individual character while still giving us an everyman figure.' 'You can see his bum from around here!' added Annie. 'And it's not your usual material is it?' asked Norma. 'This isn't stone!' 'It's papier mache,' replied Bertha. 'Interesting choice,' remarked Norma. 'I used the rejection letters from his publisher,' replied Bertha. 'He's been having them forwarded here. If you look closely you can still read bits of some of them.' Norma looked closely. 'So you can! They've spelt his name incorrectly on th...

'And then I stood over there and then I walked over there and then I walked over there and then I walked over there and then I...' 'Sorry,' interrupted Norma, 'my fault! When I said it might be nice if you told people about what you did during the last year I didn't mean that you needed to tell them everything.' Annie herded very close to Norma. Are you sure?' she asked. 'I fear you may be underestimating my fan base.' 'Still,' replied Norma, 'I suspect they could manage with an edited version.' 'But I haven't told them yet about the three months I spent married to a tree!' 'Also,' continued Norma, 'and here I realise that I may be asking you to take a step too far, I thought it could be interesting if you might restrict yourself to telling people just about the things that really took place rather than including the things that only happened inside your head?' Annie stared blankly back ...

Captain Bill shuddered...then vibrated...then shuddered a bit more...then vibrated a bit more...and then...simply...exploded. 'BUT HE CAN'T! he screamed. 'Well I'm pretty sure that's what he intends to do,' replied Norma. 'Hopeless!' shouted Captain Bill. 'Utterly, utterly, utterly hopeless! He abandons us for a year, not a word, not a mention and then we're back, just like that! No introduction! No explanation!' Norma nodded. 'But it's ridiculous!' continued Captain Bill. 'What are we supposed to have been doing for the last twelve months? Standing around in a field?' 'I have!' mooed Annie. 'Shut up!' replied Captain Bill. 'I wasn't asking you! And we'll have lost the audience you know that don't you! They'll have been long gone.' 'They might come back,' suggested Norma. 'Not if they've got any sense!' replied Captain Bill. 'I haven...

'Hello,' said Norma. 'Ah!' said Captain Bill. 'You've surfaced!' 'I would thank you if you could spare any remarks,' replied Norma. 'I'll try,' said Captain Bill. 'Most kind,' replied Norma. 'Now....' And here Norma slowly glanced around her before moving closer to Captain Bill. 'A crisis has arisen,' she whispered. 'Nothing new there then,' replied Captain Bill. 'Our specialist subject. So what is it? Cyril sold all the penguins into slavery? Annie confronted reality at last? Horace feeling a bit down? Not really a crisis that last one but still.' 'You're not helping,' said Norma. 'Not sure I was trying to,' replied Captain Bill. 'So what is it really? 'Can't say,' whispered Norma, '...for reasons that will become apparent...but if you wouldn't mind just walking this way?' 'If I could walk that way...' began Captain Bill, but Norma held up a h...

Evening all, Right, hope you can hear me above the noise. I have asked Annie to turn it down, it's well past 10pm. I don't know about you but while I don't mind a party I can't help thinking that everyone tends to go rather over the top. So anyway, I just thought we could have a quick moment together after all the recent excitement. Of course it all turned out pretty much as I was expecting...apart from the whole Penguin of the Year business but I don't see how anyone could have predicted that! I suppose the others will have a new found respect for young Geraldine but I must say, on my own behalf, that it was already there. A major part of top captaincy is spotting both the strengths and weaknesses in your squad and always felt that Geraldine was being rather overlooked..what with her being so small. But things will be different from now on, I may even promote her above Bertha, who let's face it could do with coming down a peg or two. Right I'm off to have a...

'Feel silly,' said Captain Bill. 'But you look fine,' replied Norma. 'Do we....' asked Captain Bill. 'Yes,' replied Norma. 'But couldn't I...' 'No,' replied Norma. 'I'm fine with the hat,' said Captain Bill. 'It'll only be for a few hours,' replied Norma, 'and if it's any comfort you look extra captainy.' 'Really?' asked Captain Bill. 'Really,' said Norma, 'and everyone else will be dressed up as well, so it'll all be fine.' 'Hmm,' said Captain Bill. 'Trust me,' said Norma. 'And I do seem to be the centre of attention,' said Captain Bill and he indicated a growing number of penguins who were gathering around him. 'That's very true,' replied Norma and she watched as one of the penguins tapped Captain Bill and squawked at him. 'Odd!' said Captain Bill. 'Perhaps he wants an autograph?' 'Possibly,' replied Norma, as ...

'Afternoon,' mooed Bertha. 'Er!' said Cyril. 'I'm tempted to say caught red handed,' said Bertha, 'but perhaps orange footed would be more appropriate?' 'It's not what it seems,' said Cyril. 'Yes it is!' replied Bertha, 'it's exactly what it seems....that's why Norma asked me to keep an eye on you.' 'But they're all up to it,' said Cyril. 'Really?' said Bertha. 'Foot painting, beak varnishing....I saw one yesterday that had four wings!' 'Why do I doubt that?' said Bertha. 'No idea,' replied Cyril. 'I think,' continued Bertha, 'it might be connected with your basic inability to tell the truth about anything.' 'Harsh!' said Cyril. 'Well,' said Bertha, 'just so we understand each other, Geraldine's feet are already easily orange enough to win, and she's good enough to win the other prizes, including Penguin of the Year and if you d...

'So......so what exactly do you think he's trying to do?' asked Bertha. 'I'm not certain,' replied Norma, 'but my best guess is that he's trying to worry it open.' 'Could take a while.' 'I don't think that's really going to bother him,' said Norma. 'No possibly not,' replied Bertha, '......and after that?' 'I doubt he's thought that far ahead,' said Norma. Bertha nodded in agreement and for a while they stood and watched Captain Bill. 'I've a good mind to go and open it for him,' said Bertha. 'Oh, I wouldn't,' replied Norma, 'it'll spoil the fun and besides he's doing quite well, I think there's almost a hole in one corner. After the last couple of weeks I could do with something like this.' 'True,' replied Bertha, 'it has been busy.' 'Mmmm,' said Norma, 'so I've arranged for us to have a week off so we can sort ourselves ou...

'And then,' said Captain Bill, 'there's the thorny problem of the menu.' 'Bertha's arranging the flowers,' replied Annie. 'So that's the starters taken care of,' continued Captain Bill. 'What about the main course?' 'Sedge Kiev,' said Cyril, 'in a dandelion sauce.' 'I like it!' mooed Captain Bill, 'I like it a lot!' 'So do I,' replied Cyril, 'that's why I made 50.' '50!' 'Not enough?' asked Cyril, 'I would happily make more.' 'Of course it's enough!' replied Captain Bill. 'Where are you going to keep them?' 'No problem,' said Cyril, 'I've eaten them.' Captain Bill looked at Cyril. 'You've set this whole thing up just so that you can scoff food!' 'Taste,' replied Cyril, 'I have tasted the food. You can't have an event of this importance and leave things to chance.' 'How many desserts?...

'But where on earth?' 'Early gift from Annie,' replied Cyril. 'And you're going to keep it on?' asked Captain Bill. 'Worn,' replied Cyril, 'with pride! Although I feel a smidge of mistletoe would increase my irresistibleness.' 'But you look ridiculous!' 'Ridiculous, but with presents,' corrected Cyril. 'It is perfectly possible to do Christmas without presents,' said Captain Bill. 'But it's not recommended,' replied Cyril. 'I take it you've still...?' 'Yes!' mooed Captain Bill, '........what am I going to do?' 'Emigrate?' suggested Cyril. 'I tried that this morning,' replied Captain Bill. 'Had a bit of a problem with the Pickled Heifer...and Not North seems to have moved again!' 'So what you're looking for is a miracle?' suggested Cyril. 'What you're looking for is someone who can stampede in at the last moment and save your very l...

Hello everyone and welcome to 'Present Wrapping Made Easy' with Norma and Annie. Now I think I should say at the outset that Annie and myself do have slightly different approaches, but I hope that between us we can help to make your present wrapping just a bit easier. So to begin with you'll need wrapping paper. My recommendation is for one really nice roll of the highest quality...although Annie tends to favour 154 mixed rolls which can be applied in several layers. Of course wrapping can be made considerably easier if you can put your presents into a square presentation box, perhaps with some packing around it...or you could chose to wrap the present to yourself so you don't lose it...it's your choice. Finally, you'll want to finish off with a bit of ribbon tied into a bow and a well placed gift tag...I'm suggesting just using one... Well I hope that's helped...possibly! Take care Hugs Norma and Annie...and Geraldine as well because she...

'Perhaps I should have a quick look?' suggested Captain Bill. 'Just leave it alone!' mooed Bertha. 'That wire...' 'Is fine!' 'But?' 'Don't touch it!' 'Ahem!' said Norma. 'If we could have a bit of hush? It is my great pleasure to welcome you all here and to introduce our special guest...ladies and gentlemen...Ms Geraldine!' Everyone gave Geraldine a round of applause. And in response she waved her wings about a bit, cheeped, squawked, did a very pretty dance and then jumped onto the large red button that was in front of her. The lights on the Christmas tree came on. 'Told you!' said Bertha. 'Wonderful!' said Norma. 'She's a pengiming,' added Annie. 'Is that one flickering?' asked Captain Bill. 'Look,' said Bertha, 'if you go anywhere near them I can promise you somebodies lights WILL go out!'