Cow Island

'You'll have to be quick!' mooed Bertha, 'we can't hold her much longer!' 'She's seen the presents!' called out Cyril. 'OK!' said Norma. 'Now am I doing this or are you?' 'Erm?' said Captain Bill. 'I will then,' said Norma, 'we'd just like to say thank you for sticking with us for yet another twelve months and we'd like to wish you all a very merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year.' 'I would have said something almost exactly the same,' added Captain Bill. 'Right,' said Norma, 'release the Annie!' 'PRESENTS!!!' screamed Annie, 'CHRISTMAS! MINCE PIES! MORE PRESENTS!' And she stampeded past everyone and ran straight into the tree. 'So have we got time for my poem?' asked Horace. 'Sorry,' said Norma. (We'll be back on the 3rd of January) (It's not our fault you understand...it's the Great Pencil...for some reason he thinks he deserv...

'When did it start?' asked Bertha. 'Early this morning,' replied Norma. 'The Christmas excitement alarm went off just after 3.30.' 'She's done very well this year.' Norma nodded. 'Remember that year when she started in October and we had to tie her up in duvets and chain her down?' 'And she still vibrated clear across the island,' added Bertha. 'Just so long as she doesn't actually see any of her presents we should be fine,' continued Norma. 'We could stick her in front of Captain Bill,' suggested Bertha, 'there's no chance of her seeing any there.' 'Hmm, I'm not so sure,' replied Norma, 'I spoke to him this morning and he seemed very smug all of a sudden.' 'I'm not sure I approve of that!' mooed Bertha. 'It was a bit unsettling,' replied Norma, 'still for the moment I'm more concerned about Annie, she's heading towards the cliffs again.' 'I...

'Well I'm just saying that it's kind of you,' said Norma. 'It is a heavy sack,' replied Horace. 'I just like buying presents.' said Norma. 'Do you think they'll be alright under the tree?' 'I think so,' replied Norma, 'even Cyril can be good at this time of year...if he puts a bit of effort in!' 'And...and I thought we might go skating afterwards?' 'Oh that would be nice,' replied Norma, 'and we could ask Bertha and Annie along.' 'Well...if you want to...I don't mind.' 'And Geraldine, we can't leave her out, not after her triumph at the skiing.' 'No I don't suppose so.' 'It'll be fun if there's lots of us...we could organise some games.' 'Perhaps,' replied Horace, who was starting to find the sack very heavy indeed.

'So is she planning to stay up there for the whole of Christmas?' asked Captain Bill. 'Oh no!' replied Norma. 'She just wanted to do it for a day or two.' 'And,' asked Captain Bill, '...and is that a haddock on a stick?' 'It's not a real one,' replied Norma. 'Right,' said Captain Bill. 'Anyway, I've asked her to turn on the lights so she'll have to come down for that.' 'Fine!' said Captain Bill. 'Actually I was going to suggest, you know, maybe this year, we might do things a bit differently.' 'Really?' 'Mmm,' 'You've still not bought any Christmas presents have you?' 'I've made a start!' 'I know,' said Norma, 'Horace showed me...I looked possessed.' 'Radiant!' 'Possessed!' 'Radiant!' And so it went on.

'Please Miss!' said Captain Bill, 'Cyril just threw a snowball at me!' 'Now look here,' replied Norma, 'just be quiet for a minute! This is a live broadcast!' So everyone went quiet for a minute. 'Right,' said Norma. 'Hello everyone, we're going to be off to King Otto's Grand Christmas Fancy Dress Party in a minute. But before we go we just wanted to say a great big Happy Christmas to all of you. Thanks to everyone who takes the time and trouble to come and read about our little adventures, without you we would be wandering about all on our own! We hope you all have a lovely time over the next few days, stay safe and don't eat and drink too much! With any luck we'll be back with you on Monday the 4th of January. Until then.............' And by then the minute was up...and everyone went Christmas crazy!

'I am not,' said Captain Bill, 'going to a party with someone dressed like that!' 'You're just picking on me because I've got wonky horns!' mooed Annie. 'No,' replied Captain Bill, 'I'm picking on you because you've got a Christmas tree balanced on your head!' 'Well I think it's a very commendable effort,' said Bertha, much to everyone's surprise. 'But it could fall on someone!' said Captain Bill, 'I can see the headline now, 'King killed by bizarre Christmas tree hat, see pages 2-573'. Just think what Queen Phoebe would have to say about that!' 'Oh, that's not going to happen!' said Norma, '...Annie can't move fast enough for it to fall over...and the presents we've sown onto her costume will help to weigh her down!' 'So you'll have to reserve the slow dance for her,' added Bertha. 'If you think....!' said Captain Bill. But he didn't bothe...

'I feel ridiculous!'said Captain Bill. 'Look,' replied Bertha,'as Cyril already has a Santa costume it makes sense for all of us to go as his Elves!' 'Well I just find the whole thing humiliating!' mooed Captain Bill. 'But it's a fancy dress party!' said Norma, 'you're supposed to go as something that you're not.' 'You could always go as a brave sea captain!' called out Cyril, but everybody ignored him. 'It's a nice costume anyway,' added Bertha, 'perhaps a little tight, but we can let them out a bit.' 'Then you'll look alllllll Christmassy!' said Norma with a big smile. Captain Bill looked at Norma. 'Have you been drinking?' he asked. 'I may have had a small clover brandy,' replied Norma,'just to keep the cold out!' Captain Bill sighed heavily. 'OK,' he said let's get on with it!' And with that he turned to walk away and immedi...

'Well I think it's all turned out rather nicely!' said Norma. 'Hmm!' said Captain Bill. 'Of course there's still time for a last minute bargain or two at the fair,' added Bertha. 'Actually, I've done all my shopping,' replied Captain Bill. 'All I want now is a nice gentle move towards Christmas itself without any more hustle and bustle....or excitement....or parties......especially not loud parties...there's going to be a party isn't there!' 'It's King Otto's Grand Christmas Party!' said Norma,'we have to go!' 'Queen Phoebe said it was up to each person to decide for themselves if they wanted to go...or would prefer to sit in a dungeon instead!' said Bertha. And for a brief moment Captain Bill considered which one he would prefer. 'OK!' he said at last, 'party time it is...I suppose I'll have to just put up with it...just as long as it's not fancy dress!' 'It's fa...

CHRISTMAS So I took a walk On a winter's night Through the snow That fell all around But I felt no cold For I wrapped myself In the warmth Of your sweet smile And I passed many places With families inside And their laughter I dimly recall But I felt not alone For I walked at the side Of the love That I felt for you Christmas can be a very sad thing As many a person shall know But I'll be not alone All the time that I know That I've you and your love In my heart Thank you Horace

Right here we are, testing, testing, Queen Phoebe with you! Now I am talking down to you today because my hubbie, King Otto, don't you just love him! He's decided to put his name to a totally spiffing Grand Christmas Fair (all proceeds straight into his sky, it's only right). But, it's come to my attention that there's still a few pitches left and we need 'em filled. Sooooooo, at the suggestion of my new and very temporary business partner, Count Cyril of Offshorebankingltd, I am putting out this carefully worded but slightly threatening message, to say get yourselves down here pronto! It'll all be very nice, you'll sell lots of stuff (I'd prefer it if it was pretty jewelry and such like, but frankly it can be mashed frogs as long as you ante up with the folding). So it starts on Friday, grand opening and all that....see you there... Thank you Queen Phoebe (a smile, a crown and a dungeon)

'Well it's too late now anyway,' said Bertha,'I've said we will!' 'But you had no right to do that!' mooed Captain Bill,'....you know I like to be at home at Christmas!' 'Oh, I don't think it'll hurt for 1 year,' said Norma,'and I do think that Queen Phoebe was feeling a bit guilty about all the trouble that she put us to.' Captain Bill stared at Norma. 'Well as close as she gets to feeling guilty!' added Norma. 'And it'll be nice to be around some other people who actually enjoy Christmas,' said Bertha. 'I enjoy it!' replied Captain Bill,'perhaps not in an outward showy way, but I'm happy on the inside!' And Bertha and Norma said nothing. 'Anyway,' continued Captain Bill,'I can't see that it'll be any different being here!' 'But there's going to be a party!' said Norma. 'And before that there's a Christmas fair opening at the weekend!'...

'No,no,no,no,no!' exclaimed Queen Phoebe,'how many more times? His little Kingshipfulness won't tolerate a silver bauble next to red bauble!' 'Sorry!' said Norman. 'Honestly,' continued Queen Phoebe,'sometimes One thinks it would have been quicker to have shoved a small child up a ladder!. Only they h'aint never any good with the bit at the top, which is why 'is Regalness insists on you and your trunk!' And at that point Norman muttered something about elephants and trunks, but everybody ignored him. 'You know,' said Captain Bill who was standing a little way off, 'I think I may be losing the will to live!' 'Oh! That's not nice!' replied Norma. 'But,' said Captain Bill,'I was bounced down a cliff for this, bounced down a cliff, disguised as an elephant, embroiled in a cake theft and then dangled back over the same cliff by the thread of a knitted compass...and all so that they get to have their ...