Cow Island

'Ah!' Captain Bill said. 'The problem, if you don't mind me saying, is that when I said turn left you turned right.' 'But you said hard a starboard,' Horace replied. 'Precisely!' Captain Bill mooed. 'Now, I'm not blaming you, although it was your fault, but it's these kind of elementary errors that lead to us getting lost.' 'But..' Horace began. 'The thing is,' Captain Bill continued, 'how do we find out where we now are?' 'But..' Horace began. 'This way!' Captain Bill interrupted. 'Follow me!' and he herded off to the side of the ship. 'The wheel?' Horace said. 'No need to bring it with you,' Captain Bill replied. 'Leave it there.' So Horace abandoned the wheel and joined Captain Bill. 'Now,' Captain Bill said, 'strictly speaking I shouldn't be telling you this, bit of a Captain's secret, but it won't hurt, so what w...

'I'm sure I've got some thread here that's the right colour,' said Norma, 'and you think you've got a problem with one of the 'n's as well?' 'Yes,' replied Captain Bill and he held up his knitted compass and pointed at an N that had come loose. 'I really aught to knit you another one some time,' said Norma. 'I'm fine with this one,' replied Captain Bill. 'But at least then you'd have a spare,' said Norma. 'I've seen some lovely designs. More modern.' Captain Bill looked slightly uneasy. 'I've still got the old pattern,' added Norma. Captain Bill looked relieved. 'Found it!' mooed Norma and she held up a reel of deep rose coloured thread. 'Now which needle?' Captain Bill was about to feel faint at the mention of the word 'needle' when he was distracted by the arrival of Bertha. 'Right,' she began, 'I've drawn up a manifes...

'Oh, that's nice,' mooed Norma, 'you've put an extra Not North on it!' 'I thought she deserved it,' replied Bertha. 'It'll annoy Captain Bill,' added Norma. 'I thought he deserved it,' replied Bertha. 'Mmm,' said Norma, 'well so much for my efforts to keep the peace.' 'I just like to give him something to keep him occupied,' explained Bertha. 'He'd get bored otherwise.' 'Really?' said Norma. 'I like to think so,' replied Bertha. 'Hmm,' said Norma. 'So do you think Queen Phoebe will understand how to use it?' 'About as well as our brave captain does,' replied Bertha. 'Norma was just about to make an observation about Captain Bill's bravery when she was distracted by the unexpected arrival of Horace. 'Hello!' he said. 'Afternoon,' said Norma and Bertha. 'Shouldn't you...shouldn't you be steering?...

'Port!' mooed Captain Bill, 'Port! Port! PORT!' 'But that is port!' shouted Horace. 'Is it?' asked Captain Bill. 'What month is it?' 'Does that make any difference?' asked Horace. 'Of course it does!' replied Captain Bill. 'Or does it? Where's Norma?' 'I think she's with Queen Phoebe?' 'Typical!' replied Captain Bill. 'Now.....slightly starboilarboilboard...bit more...bit more....noooowwwww steady.....steady....port! Port man! PORT! LEFT! RIGHT! UP! DOWN! LEFT!' 'But I don't think I can make it go up and down,' said Horace, 'not with the twirly whirly.' 'It's called a wheel!' mooed Captain Bill. 'I don't think I care,' replied Horace, 'I still can't make the ship go up...or down for that matter.' 'Always excuses!' called out Captain Bill. 'Ah! Wait! Wait! Port...no starboiliarboli...no port...no...no.....

'I've just popped down for a moment,' said Bertha, 'it's not as if we're even moving yet!' 'Well you shouldn't have!' replied Captain Bill, 'you're required to be at a constant state of high alert. What have you got with you anyway?' 'It's just a couple of books and some knitting,' explained Bertha. 'Fine!' replied Captain Bill, 'so when we're being boarded by hostile forces and I'm wondering why nobody saw them coming at least I'll know that it was in part because my lookout was trawling through the last couple of chapters of some cheap romance!' 'One's on the theory of sculpture and the other is on indexing problems in libraries,' said Bertha. 'Wonderful!' replied Captain Bill, 'well I shall be able to draw some small measure of comfort when pierced through with cutlasses that you weren't completely wasting your time...and the knitting?' 'Noth...

'The thing is,' said Captain Bill, 'it's a very tricky job and quite different from Queening. I mean there's hardly any waving involved...and there's maps, lots of maps and charts and bits of paper and you wouldn't believe the decisions you have to make, it's constant, you'd be bored by it, it's tiresome and...' 'But One wants to be Captain,' interrupted Queen Phoebe, 'One's even 'ad an 'at run up especially like.' 'If it were only as easy as putting a hat on,' replied Captain Bill, 'and there's years of study, exams, further exams, resitting exams...more resitting, pleading with the examiners...and don't forget the bare minimum requirement is that you need to be able to tell your port from your starboliarboliboard.' 'But I've got you to do that for me,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'HA!' called out Bertha from the cows nest. 'See!' mooed Captain Bill, '...

'Right!' said Captain Bill, 'right.............OK............well......right!' 'So what now?' asked Horace. 'Well,' said Captain Bill again, 'I suppose...we climb it! So Captain Bill and Horace and Cyril stood for a while and looked at the very tall thing. 'Perhaps,' said Horace after a while, 'we could work out some sort of route? Maybe we could use your compass thingy!' And so they all had a look at Captain Bill's compass thingy. Which didn't help one little bit! 'Of course,' said Captain Bill,'it is a knitted compass and I think I remember reading somewhere that a crocheted compass is better on dry land.' So they stopped looking at it. 'Well, you know,' said Captain Bill, 'I think we should just...well, sort of...get on with it. I mean the girls managed it...it can't be all that tricky can it?' And so they set off and in a gesture intended to inspire confidence, Captain Bill let Horace go...