Cow Island

'Right,' Cyril mooed, 'Round 73, spoons ready?' Annie waved her spoon. 'Is that hallmarked?' Cyril asked. 'No, it's mine,' Annie replied and she did a little dance. 'Brilliant!' Cyril said. 'Now, can I just remind contestants of the rules.' 'Are there rules?' Annie asked. 'I'm not sure,' Cyril replied. 'I'll check the rules.' So Cyril checked the rules and there were rules so he read them out. 'One, all the trifle must be eaten. Two, climbing inside the bowl to get to the tricky bits is allowed. Three, eating the bowl is allowed. Four, eating everything else is allowed and Five, Cyril is the winner. Annie herded very close to Cyril. 'That all sounds fair to me,' she said. And Cyril kissed her on the nose. 'Tickles!' Annie giggled and she did another little dance and Geraldine joined in. 'Brilliant deux!' Cyril said and then he picked up an extra ...

Helloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!* Annie here! Now as my regular reader will know I take my thinks very seriously. In the past I've been happy to advise you to have thinks by following the 'hanging upside down' method. But think research moves on and I'm very pleased to announce the arrival of a brand new idea that's been especially tailored towards the 'big think'. Small thinks tend to happen quite easily but big thinks have always presented more of a problem and so for that reason I've now switched to, what I'm calling, the 'Swinging Penguin with a boxing glove on the end of a long stick' method. Now I know what you're thinking (small think), you're thinking, that's alright for you Miss Smartyhooves but what if I don't have access to a long stick? Well you can always improvise, perhaps by using two short sticks tied together or a lid prop from a c1842 John Broadwood and Sons Grand Piano. The important thing is to...

Cyril and Captain Bill pushed their way through the crowds until they came to the river bank. All along its length for as far as the eye could see, there were people. Tall, short, fat, thin, all stood waiting and watching. 'There they are!' said Captain Bill and he pointed with his tail. Off in the distance they could just make out two boats sat low in the water and behind them another boat, the Steward's launch. And it was from the bow of the Steward's launch that a man rose slowly to his feet. A portly man with a red flag in his hands. 'Team Cow Island,' he began, 'Team Queen Jasmine, when I see that you are both straight and ready, I will start you thus... tension... go! Please ready yourselves.' And the man raised the flag above his head. 'Tension!' he said. 'They've gone!' called out Horace. 'What?' mooed Bertha. 'They didn't wait!' replied Horace and indeed it was true. Queen Jasmine's team hadn't wai...

'And now,' said Bertha, 'the marks from Cyril.' Cyril held up a number and Norma made a careful note of it. 'And now,' said Bertha again, 'the marks from Annie.' Annie held up several numbers and fell backwards into the sea. 'Which one of those are we counting?' asked Captain Bill. 'All of them,' replied Norma. 'All of them!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'We have to,' replied Bertha, 'it's in her contract.' 'I've got a long term contract,' said Annie as Cyril helped her back on board . 'And finally,' concluded Bertha, 'the marks from Horace.' Norma gave Horace a nudge and Horace held up a hat box lid with writing on it. 'What's that?' asked Bertha. 'It's a poem,' replied Horace, '...that is what you wanted wasn't it?' 'Hopeless!' muttered Captain Bill, 'absolutely hopeless!' Norma explained to Horace that he was supposed to be giving mar...

Morning all! Bertha here and I'm sure you'll all notice that I'm wearing a new hat. That's because it's become very sunny here and also because it looks nice. Now the first thing I must do is say a great big 'thank you' for all the entries into our 'name our boat' competition. Norma and I have been very impressed. If you haven't had a go yet, there is still time. Just send in your suggestion (without cake, ignore Cyril) and we'll add it to the others. A winner will be announced on Friday. Apart from that, I can't report much of interest. We did have a game of 'I spy' yesterday but after Captain Bill chose 'hat' for the 5th time running, we decided to do something else. Well that's all from me - have fun but do pay attention if somebody speaks to you... it's only polite! Bertha

Morning all, Bertha reporting! Just let me quickly say that there's nothing to report concerning our general position. I've spotted an occasional sail on the horizon and everyone is getting a nice tan. Now the point has been made that our new boat does not yet have a name. So I've had a word with Norma and we think that it would be a good idea to throw it open to you, our readers. Little Geraldine (who's proving to be surprisingly helpful) has made a sign, so why not have a go and 'name our boat'. Just send your suggestions to us and we'll pick a winner when we're ready. There may be a prize... but I wouldn't want any of you running out and buying expensive works of art on the prospect of new found riches. Well that's all from me, have a good day and do remember to sit up straight. Thank you, Bertha