Cow Island

'I'm just looking after them while Camille's busy,' said Norma. Oh!..............OK!' replied Horace. 'I just need to keep them entertained.' 'Perhaps I could read them some poetry?' suggested Horace. 'That would be nice,' replied Norma.  'I've written quite a lot since we've been away. How about 'The Darkening Gloom of My Soul?' 'Erm?'  'The there's 'Let Me Not Live Another Day,' or 'Hope, My Only Friend is Lost' or 'Crushed I Lie, Distrou...' 'Or we could just sit in the sun?' mooed Norma. 'Would it be alright if I continued writing?' 'You don't think it might be healthy to take a break?' 'Then what would I do?' 'Well, just sit with me,' replied Norma. 'We could show Camille's little students how to make daisy chains.' 'I think I'd rather write.' 'But making daisy chains is somet...

'I see them!' mooed Norma. ''Where?' asked Bertha. 'They're just moving up between Rob's Novelty Cutlass Marquee and The Eye Patch Emporium.' 'That's means they're keeping to their expected route,' replied Bertha. 'That's right!' said Norma. 'Get ready.........Now! Signal twice!' Bertha flicked her horn and the red duster waved above her head. 'Excellent!' said Norma. 'Horace has seen it! He's signalling to Annie and she's........fallen over sideways! No, she's back up and dancing!' 'Has Norman seen her?' 'He has!' replied Norma. 'He's moving into position.' 'Brilliant!'  'Ah! No!' 'What?' asked Bertha. 'They've stopped!' replied Norma. 'I thought we wanted them to?' 'But they've not got to Norman yet! They've stopped at the junction of The Gangplank Cafe and The Yardarm Tav...

'Any more?' asked Annie. 'Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,' replied Norman. 'Maybe!' So Annie gave Norman a couple of hugs. 'I've got a never ending supply,' added Annie. 'That's nice to know,' replied Norman. 'So watcha been up to?' said Annie. 'Well,' replied Norman, 'the usual sort of things, eating, sleeping, infiltrating pirate gangs in a desperate attempt to retrieve Queen Phoebe's stolen crown.' 'And the high points so far?' asked Annie. 'We did intercept a sloop full of buns a while back,' replied Norman. 'Did you eat all of them?' asked Annie. '.........................................Sort of,' replied Norman. Annie hugged Norman for a while. 'And do they make you work VERY hard?' she asked. 'It's mostly washing things,' replied Norman, 'or blowing on the sails when there's no wind.' 'Trunk work then!' said...

'I was managing perfectly well until she interfered!' said Captain Bill. '.....................................................Yes!' replied Norma. 'And I could have got us into that harbour, there were clearly several entrances!' 'I just thought given all the attention we were attracting that it was better to sail past it,' said Norma. 'We would have attracted less attention if we hadn't hit anyone else!' mooed Bertha. 'That wasn't my fault!' replied Captain Bill. 'Some of that parking was rubbish!' 'Perhaps we should just move on?' suggested Norma. 'It's a lovely nice little bay that we've anchored in.' 'Hmm,' said Captain Bill, 'so what next? I can't imagine us keeping a low profile for very long with her Queenship trollying around.' 'I've managed to persuade her to stay onboard the Pickled Hiefer,' replied Norma, 'or at least I think I have?...

'I'm trying not to honestly I am!' said Captain Bill. 'They are very sensitive about it,' replied Norma. 'But it's just....' 'I know!' mooed Norma. 'They are very twitchy noses!' 'I keep wanting to beep them!' 'No!' said Norma. 'You mustn't! And they've been sooooo helpful. Bertha spotted the island a couple of hours ago.' 'Do we really need to?' asked Captain Bill. 'Yes we do!' replied Norma. 'We gave our word to get that crown back.' 'I didn't!' said Captain Bill. 'I gave it for you,' replied Norma. 'So kind!' said Captain Bill. 'That's me!' replied Norma. 'Now we'd better be getting on.' 'Yes!' said Captain Bill. 'Of course there will be a harbour to get the Pickled Heifer into.' 'Indeed,' replied Norma. 'Actually I was going to have a word with you about that.' '...

'But you're sure?' asked Norma. 'I mean really sure...completely sure, I mean really completely sure?' 'Yep!' replied Annie and she did a little dance. '.............................................You're sure?' asked Norma. Annie nodded her head so much that her bandage waved about in the most alarming fashion. '..................So you're...' YEP!' interrupted Annie and she did a slightly longer dance and Geraldine joined in. 'I've even examined it under a kaleidoscope.' 'You mean a microscope,' corrected Norma. 'No a kaleidoscope,' replied Annie, 'it is an idea after all!' Norma and Bertha exchanged nervous glances. 'People aren't going to like it,' said Bertha. 'I was a bit surprised myself,' replied Annie and here she did a very pretty dance and everyone joined in. 'Which may help to account for why it was such a difficult think to have.'...

Helloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! (Summer 'o's are now ready to harvest and may be pickled for later use.) It's me! Annie! At least I think I'm Annie, I'm sure I've got it written down somewhere to confirm it. If I'm not I'm someone incredibly like her so let's just pretend that I am and get on with things. So how are you? I'm not really interested but Norma says it's polite to ask. According to the latest reports I'm about to be spattereriaterified. I was due to only be spatterified but I got a free upgrade and some extra cushions which my chum Geraldine is test snoozing. So how are you? I'm still not really interested but it's been a while since I asked. Cake or trifle? It's a difficult one! Anyhoweverables, should things go terribly wrong and all deadsville I would like to be remembered as someone who did things and wore some pretty spiffy stripey hoof mittens while she was...

'So I thought it would be quite expensive but then Lord Sir Cyril of Cheapdisguiseshire explained that because there was a Q an X and a Z in the month we didn't have to pay anything!' 'Really!' said Norma. 'Erm....how lucky for you!'  'I suppose we were just fortunate that it was the last day of Juqxzly,' replied Annie. 'And would I be correct in guessing that they threw in free delivery as well?' asked Norma. 'I was going to ask them about that,' replied Annie, 'but my chum said that the quarry pixies needed their sleep and so it would be best not to disturb them.' Norma looked at Annie and then rolled her eyes skyward. '.......So moving on,' she continued, 'as you can see the Mark 1 Think Thunk making machine is almost finished.' 'It's almost not quite exactly how I imagined it,' said Annie. 'That's good to hear,' replied Norma, 'and we've carried out some tr...

'Where as if you look closely you'll see that number 3 is ever so slightly more twisty than number 2 which is in itself ever so, ever so slightly more twisty than number 1 which is why it's use aboard ship is restricted to only those jobs which require a very high degree of twistyness,' concluded Captain Bill, '...........you'll have to look closely,' he reminded. Queen Phoebe glanced at the sample in question. 'So,' she asked, 'do you have all of this written down on the back of the board then?' 'Certainly not!' mooed Captain Bill. 'So...so you've actually learnt all this?' 'Indeed!' replied Captain Bill proudly. 'Right,' said Queen Phoebe. 'You can borrow them if you want to?' said Captain Bill. 'Not sure I could cope?' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Well have them for a couple of days and then I could always bring you some more,' suggested Captain Bill. 'You...

'....Boarding ships, swinging on ropes, duelling to the death,' replied Cyril, 'at least that's what it says on the posters.' 'No mention of cake then?' asked Annie. 'Or ice creams,' replied Cyril. 'I shall probably not become one then,' said Annie. 'Smart move!' said Cyril. 'By the way, have you seen the other ice creams? They still don't seem to have arrived!' 'I haven't seen anything for a while.' replied Annie. 'So you haven't!' said Cyril. 'I suppose it must be because the days are getting shorter now?' 'Possibly a factor,' agreed Cyril. But then he reached over and removed what was left of the inflatable ring from Annie's head. 'Oooooooh!' mooed Annie. 'Morning already!' 'Must be time for breakfasts then,' suggested Cyril. 'How many?' asked Annie. 'To tell the truth,' replied Cyril, 'those ice creams ha...

You've missed him! You've wanted him! You know you've got to have him! The one...the only...he's back at last! IIIIIIIIIIITTTTT'SSSSSSSSSSS CYRILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! (A fly past, a band and a swoon) Ladies! And let's be honest one or two of you might still be! It's me! The love of your life! How are you? Long time no see. What can I say? Your hair! Don't think I haven't noticed! And you're even prettier! How do you manage it? I know what you're thinking Where has he been? What's he been up to? Tell us all! If only I could. Needless to say, hearts mended, cake eaten, I can still lay my hoof on one if you're interested and it'll only be a crime if we're caught! But mostly I've been thinking of you. I won't say what I've been thinking but we giggled a lot and were both very tired when we'd finished. So I'm back in your life and you're back in mine and there's a road ful...

'Although of course there is much more to an elephant than just a trunk,' said Norman. Annie nodded in agreement. 'But people just don't seem to see past it,' continued Norman. Annie nodded again and gave Norman a hug. 'So whatcha been doing?' she asked. 'Er well,' replied Norman, 'you know, keeping busy, mostly washing windows, lifting heavy objects...it's been primarily trunk based employment.' Annie gave Norman another hug. 'Bow tie looks good,' she said. 'Thanks,' replied Norman, 'tricky business the old security game. You want to try to blend in a bit with the clientele.' 'From a distance I'd have thought you were just another pengiming,' said Annie. 'That's good,' replied Norman, 'it sort of makes all the extra effort seem worthwhile.' 'So would there be any chance?' asked Annie. 'Of course,' replied Norman and he lifted Annie onto his back. 'Where to?'...

Good morning / evening / just around nommage time (delete as required). Are you a Pengiming? If you're not sure go and have a quick look in a mirror. If you find you're staring at someone who is small, dressed entirely in black and white and have a half eaten sardine hanging out the side of your beak then there's a very high chance* that you are. If so then I'd like to crave a few moments of your time. As you are no doubt aware the first annual Pengiming of the Year Awards are now taking place.....and your vote counts! Now all pengimings are special and need to be hugged on a regular basis but I'd like to put in a word for one in particular....Geraldine....she's my chum. She's always helpful and often just wanders around with a plate full of cake just in case I feel like I need a slice...and I often do! Also she is veryyyyyyyyyyy cute and has the most orange feet (official). So I'm asking you to vote for her...NOW! Thank you Annie * 97.3% on the Am I a P...

'But all 'e 'ad to do was ring the bell!' mooed Camille. 'I think you should just look on it as an expression of his keen interest in the subject,' replied Norma. 'But 'e 'as knocked bits of plaster off the wall!' exclaimed Camille, 'and anyway, where an earth did 'e get a step ladder from?' 'Hellloooooooooo!' said Annie and she did a little dance, wobbled her beret and pointed at herself. Camille watched Annie and then stepped back and whispered into Norma's ear. 'It's going to be like this for the entire time that you're 'ere isn't it?' she asked. 'Sorry!' replied Norma. 'Well that is me down the job centre,' said Camille. 'Oh, I don't know,' said Norma reassuringly, 'Anne'll be fine...and I've sent Geraldine on ahead to keep an eye on Cyril.' 'Right,' replied Camille, 'so you've sent like one tiny, tiny penguin to try to control a bo...

Helllooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Annie here! Today's blog is all about how to visit foreign people. So please make sure that you are sitting/standing/hanging out of your tree comfortably and have a nice slice of cake next to you. Now the 1st thing to do is to make sure that you blend in. This will make Mr Sir Foreign Person feel more at ease. Geraldine and I have already done this and are now completely indistinguisabubble from the locals. (nibble cake now) The next thing to tackle is the language barrier. I was quite surprised to find out that this is not an actual barrier, like a hedge or a trifle wall. I mean really! Geraldine and I spent virtually the whole morning wandering around trying to find it! This wasn't made any easier by the fact that we'd taken the precaution of taking a step ladder with us. So just to be clear about it. The language barrier is when Mr Sir or Madame Foreign Person talks to you and you don't understand anything that they...

'Ah!' said Camille,''ome at last!' 'Yes,' replied Captain Bill, 'well anyone can make a simple error.' 'Well honestly!' continued Camille, 'like 'ow can you get lost that close to shore?' 'Actually a lot of islands are on wheels these days,' explained Captain Bill, 'and in a strong wind...' 'But we were like only 5 minutes away and it took us 4 hours!' 'Aggressive waves?' suggested Captain Bill. 'Hmm,' replied Camille,'anyway I suppose we made it eventually.' 'I imagine you'll want to be contacting the parents of all your little students?' said Norma. Camille stopped and looked at Norma. 'Are you kidding? That sort of trouble I can well do without! I was thinking maybe I'll just carry on and 'ope they just don't notice that we're 3 months late getting back...it's worked in the past! But anyway, before anything else, I 'ave an important civi...

'Right, well thanks for...whatever?' said Queen Phoebe. 'Sorry we can't stop but his Regalness simply must be getting along!' And Queen Phoebe gave an order for several of her servants to wave goodbye for her. 'Why do I have the feeling we've outstayed our welcome?' said Captain Bill. 'I'm sure she means well,' said Norma,'it can't be very easy being a royal personage.' But at that moment Bertha asked if everyone could move up a bit. So everyone moved up a bit and Norman lowered away another little student. 'I'm afraid the Mootilus wasn't really built to hold this many,' explained Captain Bill. 'Still it won't be for long,' added Norma. And Norman lowered away yet another little student. 'I must say it's very lucky that Monsieur Norman is 'ere to 'elp,' said Camille. 'Although there is...' began Norman. '...more to an elephant...' continued Horace. '...than just...

'And then you have to turn a switch and release the elastic band and it fires!' explained Captain Bill. 'Well I 'ave to say that clearly your knowledge of big cannons is 2nd to none!' said Camille. And her little students waved their tails in agreement. 'Only to be expected,' replied Captain Bill. 'A lifetime as a top, heroic, duel fighting Captain is bound to bring about a certain understanding of all things nautical!' 'And you're quite sure that Marie Clare is safe being stuck down the pointy end?' asked Camille. 'Not a problem,' replied Captain Bill. 'Only if she got fired out of it I suspect she would get pretty splatified,' added Camille,'which while clearly serious for 'er is also almost certainly a sackable offence for yours truly.' 'Really?' asked Captain Bill. 'Don't you believe it!' replied Camille. 'You couldn't even begin to guess at the 'oops teachers of litt...

'...and so that's why I would never recommend thinking of two things in succession without having a lay down in first.' said Annie, 'Now who wants more trifle?' A herd of little hooves shot into the air and Annie ladled out further, extra large, helpings of strawberry, raspbleberry and mint trifle. 'Right,' said Annie,'by the way you don't have to have a sleepy Pengiming in the trifle bowl, but if you do it won't in any way impair the flavour.' At this point Geraldine gave a gentle wave of one of her feet and Annie took the opportunity to stick a strawberry on the end of her beak. 'Sooooooooooo,' she continued,'so far we've talked about why the world can be proved to be cake shaped and why it's never a good idea to get out of bed before 11 o'clock in the morning, which means there's just time for me to tell you about why trees secretly want to turn pink with spots on and then after that we'll all h...

OK! Well like, first of all I 'ave to say I'm as surprised as you are that I'm 'ere! Capitaine Bill (we 'ad a bit of an argument, 'e says that's 'ow it's pronounced) was supposed to be 'aving a chat with you but then 'e said that 'is whole brain was 'aving to be devoted to the top class escape which 'e is organising. So 'ere I am! Now apparently, according to the notes I've been given, at this point it is standard procedure to 'waffle for a bit'. What is this 'waffle for a bit?????' I don't know!!! Still anyway, myself and ma little students just want to say that we're fine despite the 'ole kidnapped by pirate sheep business and if Etienne's mum is reading this he's sorry about not being 'ome for 'is tea and 'e got a gold star for 'is 'omework. Right, I'm not going to write anymore anyway now because I fully expect by tomorrow morning we will 'ave b...