Cow Island

'A pair of sunglasses perched on top of your hat?' Bertha mooed. 'I thought they made me look much more like a holiday maker,' Norma replied. 'But still,' Bertha continued, 'it's not a disguise of the greatest depth.' 'Perhaps we could have another look together?' 'Then you will 'ave to be tres prompt about it!' Camille interrupted. 'Ma vessel is already surrounded by ships and balloons of all shapes and sizes and young Pierre 'ere 'as just given two toots on, what I 'ave to say is, a rather poorly drawn bosun's whistle, which means that land will be ahoy at any moment.' 'Cripes!' Norma replied. 'Have we arrived already?.......................I didn't think it was that bad. You can tell it's a whistle.' 'We'll need to get organised then,' Bertha added. 'Are we agreed that we head to one of the smaller islands and try to land there and stay hidden for a ...

'Well I think it's a bit of a liberty!' trumpeted Norman. Annie ran anticlockwise around Norman for 3 minutes and then gave him a huge hug. 'I shall still love you,' she mooed. 'Thanks,' replied Norman, 'and I'd like to make it quite clear that if anything happens while I'm away I won't be blamed.' 'I shall stand by you,' said Annie, 'or on you or under you or within a 5 mile radius of you.' 'Very kind,' said Norman. 'Pleasure,' replied Annie and she hugged Norman again. 'Thanks again,' said Norman. 'Now, I think that's done, no smears as far as I can see?' 'Shall we take a bun break?' 'I was hoping you might suggest that,' said Norman, 'it's been at least half an hour.' 'My chum, Lord Sir Lord Cyril of Nommingshire recommends never going more than 10 minutes without food,' replied Annie, '...not including snacks.' ...

'Hello Norman!' said Norma. 'I'm afraid I can't answer that Ma'am,' replied Norman. 'Why not?' asked Norma. 'I'm afraid I can't tell you that Ma'am,' said Norman. 'Why not?' asked Norma. 'I'm afraid I can't tell that either Ma'am,' said Norman. 'Well what can you tell us?' asked Bertha. 'Oh! hang on!' replied Norman, 'I've got it written down. I can tell you the time, how to get stones out of horses hooves and the way to the bus station.' 'I didn't think there was a bus station?' said Norma. 'That's what I'm allowed to tell you,' replied Norman. 'Look Norman,' said Bertha, 'you know us. Norma would put up with this sort of thing for hours...I won't. So what's actually going on? There do seem to be an awful lot of guards.' 'I really can't tell you,' replied Norman. 'And I certainly ca...

'And so by convincing everyone that we're out of breakfasts we're almost certain to put in at King Otto's, which means you'll get to see Norman,' explained Cyril. Annie vibrated so much she almost fell off her stool. 'He is an elephant you know,' she mooed. 'I luffs him!' 'Good for you!' said Cyril. 'Do you think he'll still have a trunk?' asked Annie. 'I'd expect him to,' replied Cyril. 'I've a known a few elephants in my time and they've always had trunks.' 'I wonder where they get them from?' asked Annie, who had by now fallen off and was laying sideways on the floor. 'I don't know,' replied Cyril. 'You could always ask him.' 'He might have forgotten.' 'I doubt it,' replied Cyril. 'Now are we prepared because these sausages are almost cooked.' 'I think so,' said Annie. 'Shall I get some more ready?' ...

'No really,' said Flossie, 'I'm quite happy to wait, I'm sure we all are!' And the flock bleated in unison. 'No! No!' replied Lefty. 'I wouldn't here of it.' 'But it doesn't seem right,' said Flossie, 'not without her.' 'I should have gone after her straight away,' conceded Lefty. 'Perhaps we should all go and look?' said Flossie. 'She won't have gone far, I'm sure of it,' replied Lefty. 'Does she ever use the old... you know?' asked Flossie. 'The frame?' said Lefty. 'Mmm.' 'She didn't take to it,' replied Lefty. 'She hates anything like that. Reminds her that she's getting old I suppose.' 'Honestly, this can wait,' said Flossie. 'We can split up...' Hooky tapped furiously. 'We can stay together,' corrected Flossie, 'and have ten minutes looking for her and then get on with the vicious po...

'Just....just let go! Cyril! CYRIL! Let go! LET GO!' 'You panic, you know that don't you!' replied Cyril. Captain Bill turned and faced Cyril. 'Panicking is there for a reason!' he mooed. 'It's a perfectly justifiable response to being chased with pointy swords!' 'It's a lovely day!' said Cyril. 'What?' replied Captain Bill. 'It's a lovely day,' repeated Cyril. 'If you didn't panic so much you'd be more aware of these sort of things.' 'If I get run through with a pointy sword I shall be aware of very little!' replied Captain Bill. 'Wonderful autumn colours,' continued Cyril. 'Raw siennas, oranges, soft lemon yellows.' 'Have you been drinking?' asked Captain Bill. 'A nip of sedge brandy nothing more,' replied Cyril. 'Look!' said Captain Bill. 'If you want to muse lyrically about the time of year that's up to you but...

'And so on behalf of all of us,' continued Norma, 'I would just like to say how pleased we are to be able to return your crown to you.' 'Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'And of course, at this important moment, I'd like to say a special thank you to my hubby, King Otto, don't we all love 'im, without whom none of this would have been possible!'  'Er?' mooed Norma. 'It has been his truly inspirational leadership what has seen you all through this difficult time.' 'Possibly?' said Norma. 'There were others...Norman for instance.' 'Norman!' exclaimed Queen Phoebe. 'He's...he's like a son to me. A great big elephant son wh at eats buns and is cheap to employ!' 'Although you did sack him,' pointed out Norma. 'I gave him his freedom!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Go out! I said, go out into the world and make your fortune!' But you...

'Well pointy sword or no pointy sword, I'm not bothered!' bleated Flossie. 'If we have to run we have to run!' 'You'll hear no disagreement from me!' replied Lefty. 'We need to get this crown business over and done with!' 'The lads feel the same way!' replied Lefty. And the flock all gave a rather gasping running cheer. 'And you're certain that you saw her?' 'It was only for a moment,' replied Lefty, 'but it was her alright! A second sighting of her royal personage and no mistake! Although obviously she didn't have a crown on.' 'I wish I'd seen her myself!' continued Flossie, 'only I found myself momentarily distracted by what appeared to be a mad pirate doing a waltz.' Hooky tapped twice. 'I polka then!' corrected Flossie. 'The whole jamboree's been very strange!' replied Lefty. 'Maybe give it a miss next year?' suggested Flossie. ...

'I see them!' mooed Norma. ''Where?' asked Bertha. 'They're just moving up between Rob's Novelty Cutlass Marquee and The Eye Patch Emporium.' 'That's means they're keeping to their expected route,' replied Bertha. 'That's right!' said Norma. 'Get ready.........Now! Signal twice!' Bertha flicked her horn and the red duster waved above her head. 'Excellent!' said Norma. 'Horace has seen it! He's signalling to Annie and she's........fallen over sideways! No, she's back up and dancing!' 'Has Norman seen her?' 'He has!' replied Norma. 'He's moving into position.' 'Brilliant!'  'Ah! No!' 'What?' asked Bertha. 'They've stopped!' replied Norma. 'I thought we wanted them to?' 'But they've not got to Norman yet! They've stopped at the junction of The Gangplank Cafe and The Yardarm Tav...

'And I finally managed to get her to take out the armchair trees,' sighed Norma. 'Hmm,' said Captain Bill, 'I have to say for her they're very restrained.' 'They're perfect for what we want,' replied Norma. 'And this one would be?' 'Giraffe sized,' replied Norma. 'So he's in!' said Captain Bill. 'All down to Cyril,' replied Norma. 'Should I ask how?' said Captain Bill. 'Best not to,' replied Norma. '............You know wood flooring's all the rage.' 'Sorry?' said Captain Bill. 'Never mind!' replied Norma. 'Erm,' continued Captain Bill, 'if you don't mind me saying, slightly worried about the hedgehogs seeing all this.' 'Oh, don't worry,' replied Norma. 'They're helping us as well.' 'Really!' mooed Captain Bill. 'I can't help feeling that could be opening a giant can of worms?...

'There are reports of shoals of trifles off the coast again.' 'I myself have missed this as I have been spending too much time at the gymnasium,' replied Cyril. 'I did ask her if we could dispense with the passwords,' said Bertha. 'I saw a picture of a gym once,' replied Cyril. 'Never again!' 'So what news?' asked Bertha. 'The giraffe is in!' replied Cyril. 'Should I ask how?' asked Bertha. 'Didn't take much,' replied Cyril. 'A couple of 2nd hand carpets and a secret hoof shake.' 'Captain Bill's cabin is carpeted I believe,' said Bertha. 'Was!' replied Cyril. 'And Norma and I are a tad concerned about where you're getting the crowns from?' 'Got to look the part!' replied Cyril. 'A dealer in crowns has got to have crowns otherwise people would question things.' 'Still!' said Bertha. 'I'll give them back aft...

'Ah ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Me hearties! Ha! Ha! Keel haul the lot of them! Then make sail for the Governor's palace!..........................................No, sorry, I still can't get into it.' said Flossie. 'I just thought it might help?' replied Lefty. 'Appreciate the idea,' replied Flossie. 'You know me, always happy to run it up the mizzen mast and see how it flutters.' 'So do you feel it's going to be just a passing thing or more of a long term problem?'  'Not sure really?' replied Flossie. 'Have you considered counselling?' 'Not really me,' replied Flossie. 'Now moving on, this would be the...er...'you know what'?' 'That's right,' said Lefty. 'Shall we unwrap it?' asked Flossie. 'Up to you?' replied Lefty. 'But it would invalidate the insurance.' 'Insurance?' bleated Flossie. 'Insurance,' repeated Lefty. 'But it...

'We could!' bleated Flossie. 'Shouldn't really though,' replied Lefty. 'Nobodies looking!' added Flossie. 'And we need to get on.' 'It's your call,' replied Lefty. So Flossie gave the signal and the flock picked up the pace. 'It's not really running anyway,' continued Flossie. 'More of a slight jog.' 'Still covered in the rules though,' replied Lefty. Flossie slowed to a halt. 'You know,' he began, 'I'm tempted to get out of the whole pirate game.' 'Never!' said Lefty. 'Well, it's just no fun anymore,' replied Flossie. 'It used to be. It's all got just...too regulated.' 'But, but what you do?' asked Lefty. 'I dunno,' replied Flossie, 'maybe just get my head stuck through a fence for a while, give myself time to think things through.' 'You'd miss it though,' said Lefty. 'The camaraderie, the s...

'But One was perfectly alright!' explained Queen Phoebe. 'Er?' replied Norma. 'One was disguised and everything.' 'It's just...' said Norma, 'we were worried about you, that's all.' 'Most kind I'm sure,' replied Queen Phoebe, 'but One don't spend years being a royal personage without learning how to look after One.' 'Possibly,' said Norma, 'but we do feel sort of responsible for you. 'No need!' 'And what would King Otto think if he knew you were wandering about a pirate jamboree?' 'He'd say, smile, smile my dear and be regal and if they get too close punch 'em on the nose!' 'Really?' asked Norma. 'Indeed!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'He's full of useful advice like that. It's why everyone loves 'im so.' 'Still,' said Norma, 'think of how it would look if it got in the press, 'Queenie brawls with pirat...

'And so,' continued Norma, 'thanks to information received from Norman, ace spy and all around good egg...' 'He's not an egg!' called out Annie. 'He is an elephant!' 'I stand corrected,' replied Norma. 'All around good elephant. We now have it confirmed that Flossie and his terrible pirate flock are definitely on the island.' 'Just how did he find out?' asked Bertha. 'Detailed investigative work,' replied Norma, 'and apparently down in the harbour there was a large sign saying 'reserved for Flossie and his terrible pirate flock'.' 'I said we should have arrived via the harbour,' exclaimed Captain Bill, 'but did anybody listen!' 'Well?' asked Captain Bill. 'Sorry?' said Norma and Bertha. 'I said,' began Captain Bill, '..............Oh! Let's move on.' 'The problem as I see it,' said Bertha, 'is how do we get to make...

'And you're quite sure that's what Norman said?' asked Norma. 'Oh yes!' replied Annie. 'I would have brought him here so he could tell you himself but he takes a long time to draw.' 'Anyway,' said Norma. 'Am I,' interrupted Captain Bill, 'am I the only one who finds the whole notion of an undercover elephant a bit difficult to comprehend?' Annie herded very close to Captain Bill. 'He's a master of disguise you know,' she said. 'He's an ever changing kaleidoscope of characters, a complex panoply of voices, gestures and slight of trunk costume changes. Forever on the move, never resting for a even a moment in his self inflicted quest for.........whatever it is we're all looking for.' 'Queen Phoebe's crown,' prompted Norma. 'That as well,' agreed Annie. 'One day Norman the pirate elephant, the next a pirate elephant named Norman. Sometimes in the forefront of h...

'Any more?' asked Annie. 'Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,' replied Norman. 'Maybe!' So Annie gave Norman a couple of hugs. 'I've got a never ending supply,' added Annie. 'That's nice to know,' replied Norman. 'So watcha been up to?' said Annie. 'Well,' replied Norman, 'the usual sort of things, eating, sleeping, infiltrating pirate gangs in a desperate attempt to retrieve Queen Phoebe's stolen crown.' 'And the high points so far?' asked Annie. 'We did intercept a sloop full of buns a while back,' replied Norman. 'Did you eat all of them?' asked Annie. '.........................................Sort of,' replied Norman. Annie hugged Norman for a while. 'And do they make you work VERY hard?' she asked. 'It's mostly washing things,' replied Norman, 'or blowing on the sails when there's no wind.' 'Trunk work then!' said...

'You as well!' said Norma. 'At least I'm carrying a sword!' 'Onebody even suggested my horns might be too pointy!' replied Bertha. 'I'm certainly changing my mind about what it's like to be a pirate,' added Norma. 'Anyhow, you were saying?' 'Yes!'said Bertha, 'In the end he got went back and got one with a toasting fork attachment.' 'But he doesn't need one!' replied Norma. 'I know!' mooed Bertha. 'But he wouldn't listen and he took out the extended warranty!' 'That's where they get you every time!' replied Norma. 'Still I've managed to pick up one or two things myself,' continued Bertha. 'A book on pirate librarians and there's a stall doing knitting patterns.' 'We saw that,' replied Norma, 'I hoping to get back there later, which ones did you get?' 'Erm?' said Bertha. 'There's a hat in the shape of...

'No for once we're in agreement,' said Captain Bill. 'Really?' replied Bertha. 'I thought it would be all sword fights and ya ha ha me hearties, splice the main thingamy and where's me bottle of rum!' 'There's almost no sense of hostility,' replied Bertha. 'I suppose you could count the junior pirate pillow fight contest as hostile,' continued Captain Bill, 'but who's ever heard of a safety pillow!' 'And I got told off for running!' continued Bertha. 'Strange that?' said Captain Bill. 'You haven't even got a pointy sword!.....Do you think I should buy a hook?' 'Why?' 'I don't know,' replied Captain Bill. 'I just get this feeling that I aught to.' 'You don't need one.' added Bertha. 'Hmm,' said Captain Bill, 'I suppose I could nail it up in my cabin and hang my knitted compass on it when I wasn't using it.' Berth...

'They'll undoubtedly have formed a plan for disposing of Queen Phoebe's crown,' said Bertha, 'and if Norma and my expectations are correct it'll be a plan of such detailed complexity that we'll have little chance of penetrating through its many fiendish layers.' 'But even so,' added Norma, 'we feel we still have to try.' 'Well there's nothing like talking us up!' replied Captain Bill. 'It's trying to understand the criminal mind that will be crucial,' added Bertha. 'And we still don't know where Cyril's gone to?' asked Captain Bill. 'For such a large bovine he's surprisingly adept at hiding in the shadows,' replied Norma. 'I think our best approach will be to start without him and to look around and see what we can see.' 'We'll have to go across the site with a fine tooth comb,' observed Bertha. Annie raised a hoof. 'Not a real one!' mooed C...