Cow Island

'So she gets 5 attempts?' asked Captain Bill. 'Well she's only going for the island record,' replied Norma, 'it's only at international level that it's reduced to 3.' 'She's still going to need to pick up a bit though,' said Captain Bill. 'Mmm,' replied Norma, 'although it takes a couple of runs to get the mittens up to temperature. I wouldn't be surprised if she really went for it on the next one.' 'I have to say she did a good wave on the last run.' 'That's the thing I was never any good at,' said Norma. 'It upsets your whole balance, that's why it's always been a part of the compulsory routine. It's a real test of your skill.' 'And there was talk of a 2 person attempt?' 'That's just a bit of fun really,' replied Norma, 'Cyril said he'd be up for it if Annie wanted to have a go.' 'I might have a go myself sometime,' said Captain Bill. ...

'Ready?' asked Bertha. 'Ready!' said Annie. 'Hat tie secure?' asked Bertha. Annie nodded. 'Mittens nice and comfy?' Annie nodded again and waved them at Bertha. 'Cyril is reporting conditions as 'nice and slidy',' added Bertha, 'and almost entirely downhill.' 'Excellent!' mooed Annie, 'particularly about the downhill bit because it helps quite a lot but I think we'll still start with a test run at half slidiness just to be on the safe side.' 'It's your call,' replied Bertha. 'Well I'm allowed it under section 3, paragraph 4 of the rulebook,' mooed Annie. 'Then I think you'd be foolish not to,' replied Bertha. And so with that Bertha blew her whistle and Annie pushed off.

Helloooooooooooooooooooooooo!* It's me...Annie Now sometimes, perhaps once every 5 minutes or so, Norma (my best friend) will say something like 'what do you think of this hat?' and I'll reply, 'what do I care, let's go for a paddle'. But it must be said that some items of clothing are more important than others and none more so than a nice quad of hoof mittens. Basically you have a choice of two types, stripes or spots. Which one you go for depends a lot on what occasion you're wearing them to. As will be proved later this week stripes are best for setting new records on your local helter skelter or perhaps a winter wedding or a trip to the theatre. Spotted mittens are better suited for long walks, parties or, at a push, when organising a coup d'etat against an aggressive foreign power. ALWAYS wear long hoof mittens and feel free to join a few together to make them extra long if necessary. Finally for finding suppliers of hoof mittens I'd sugges...

'How's it going?' asked Bertha. 'Unofficially we're under 30 seconds,' replied Annie. 'That's Cyril assisted though?' asked Bertha. 'He's only giving me the littlest push,' replied Annie, 'mostly it's because of these!' And at this point Annie waved 4 of the softest, warmest and undoubtedly stripiest hoof mittens that anyone had ever seen. 'It's the stripes that make you go faster,' mooed Annie. 'Cyril had them especially made just for meeeeeeeee! They're the bestest present ever!.' 'Hmm,' said Bertha, 'I think we can look forward to the Helter Skelter records being broken then.' And Annie nodded in agreement. 'Anyway,' continued Bertha, 'if you could both spare a few minutes, Eyepatch wants us.' 'But it's Helter Skelter time!' said Annie. 'There is an unopened present,' added Bertha. 'PRESENTS!' mooed Annie. And she ran off in the general dire...