Cow Island

'Har! Har! Har!' bleated Flossie. 'Har! Har! Har! And several other stereotypical pirate type expressions.' 'Shiver me timbers?' suggested Lefty. 'Throw it in,' replied Flossie. 'Never a favourite but it can't hurt, but basically, getting past that, this ship is now ours and I'll keel haul anyone who says otherwise.' Lefty spoke quietly to Flossie. 'You sure?' asked Flossie. Lefty nodded. 'OK!' continued Flossie, 'If you insist! Har! Har! Har! Etc, etc. This ship is now ours and I'll speak quite strongly to anyone who says otherwise but only after an initial verbal warning, a second written warning and a full and open grievance procedure has been explored, with a union representative of your choice, if you should so request.' 'Thanks!' said Lefty. 'Takes all the fun out of it!' replied Flossie. 'Still,' said Lefty, 'keeps it legal.' Captain Bill gave Horac...

'So she spends something like eleventy billion years telling me that the green bits are land and the blue bits are sea and then all of a sudden, without any sort of warning, I'm supposed to accept that the green bits are now the sea! I mean how on earth is anyone to be expected to get their horns around that! If you ask me it's that sort of arbitrary unannounced change that has led to so much of the havoc that we've so frequently encountered in the past during so many of our voyages. It's no wonder that she's steered the ship into the harbour wall on numerous occasions. I try my best to take these changes on board but I can't be expected to remember everything and people will blame me if anything goes wrong. Oh you're the captain, you should have known. I wouldn't be surprised if this resulted in us sinking again I really wouldn't. I can see it now, sailing along on a flat calm 'blue' sea, you spot some green, possibly not, land, I be...

'And so,' continued Captain Bill, 'by attaching the seaweed to the knitted compass I've created a sort of ultra modern, high tec, navigational multi tool!' Lovely,' said Norma. 'It's genius,' replied Captain Bill, 'I simply don't see how it could be improved upon.' 'Not unless you draped it over the telescope,' suggested Norma. 'What?' 'Well if you hung it over your telescope it would be even more multipuly.' '...................So anyway,' mooed Captain Bill, 'what did you want?' 'Geraldine would like us to turn to port,' said Norma. Captain Bill swivelled around and stared out across the side of the ship. 'No, port,' said Norma. Captain Bill swivelled around and stared out across the other side of the ship. 'Hmm,' he said. 'So it'll mean we won't be going Not North for a while,' added Norma. 'Hmmmmm,' said Captain Bill, 'not sure about that. The ...

'Right,' said Flossie, 'Dave?' 'Passed,' replied Lefty. 'Thought he would,' said Flossie. 'Never really in doubt,' replied Lefty, 'and his hat stayed on.' 'Top pirate!' said Flossie. 'Now.....I notice there's a tick against Harriet's name?' 'Knew you'd spot that,' replied Lefty, 'strictly speaking we have to pass her as we failed to supply all the required safety equipment.' 'It used to be so much easier,' bleated Flossie. 'And....if it's OK with you,' said Lefty, 'I've passed Mum as well.' 'Hmm,' replied Flossie. Ticks the demographics box,' pointed out Lefty, 'doing our bit for the older pirates...and we'll get a grant to put a ramp in on the ship.' Winning all around!' said Flossie. 'Is that all then?' 'That's us done,' replied Lefty. 'Only a week this time.' 'Fine!' said Flossie. 'Fancy just r...

Flossie looked at Lefty. 'Can't be helped,' said Lefty. 'It's just.....not very piratey,' replied Flossie. Lefty shrugged his shoulders. OK!' said Flossie. 'In your own time,' bleated Lefty. 'Shouldn't there be some sort of safety harness?' asked Harriet. 'Actually, there probably should be,' said Lefty. 'Oh!' said Harriet. 'Well,' began Flossie, 'the point is, and go with me on this, what you have to imagine is, we're at sea engaged in mortal combat with an enemy ship.' 'Cannon firing,' suggested Lefty. 'Cannon firing,' agreed Flossie. 'Somebody running with a pointy sword,' suggested Lefty. 'Could easily happen,' conceded Flossie, 'blood's up, heat of the moment and all, and then I give the order, 'Board the enemy ship!'. Now what you have to ask yourself is, could we expect them to hang on for half an hour while we rig you up a safety harness?' ...

'He's looking good!' bleated Lefty. 'Can't fault him,' replied Flossie, 'either you've got it or you haven't...and he has.' 'If you ask me he's even more slightly threatening than he used to be.' 'Growing into the role,' replied Flossie, 'I've seen it before, sign of a good pirate that.' 'And of course the extra height helps,' added Lefty. 'True,' replied Flossie. 'Now, everything ready?' 'Think so,' said Lefty, 'rope's been tested, space in clear, just a wee bit concerned about the hat.' 'Hat?' asked Flossie. 'Just thought, if it blows off, would we lose the threat element?' 'Good point!' bleated Flossie. 'I mean seeing that we've taken him on because of that aspect...be a shame to lose it.' 'Length of string?' suggested Flossie. 'Top idea!' replied Lefty. 'That's why I'm here,' replied Flossie. So a len...

'Strange?' bleated Lefty. 'It was working.' 'MUM!' shouted Flossie. 'MUM!' shouted Lefty, 'Mum!....I only put them in yesterday.' 'Where did you?...' 'From a magazine,' replied Lefty, 'Mum!.....Maybe just press on.' 'If you're sure?' asked Flossie. 'I'll explain to her later, it's more of a refresher course for her anyway.' 'No probs,' said Flossie. 'So ...er....well I'd like to welcome you all, thanks for turning up, new pirates are highly valued members of staff and it's for that reason that we put you through our intensive training programme so that by the end of the course you will have acquired a high skill value that is 2nd to none within the pirate community.' 'Will there be a certificate?' asked Harriet. 'Er?' said Flossie. Lefty shook his head. 'No,' said Flossie, 'but rest assured, if we hear any news of a certificate laden ship passi...

'But you gave the sign,' said Bertha. 'We hadn't agreed on a sign!' gasped Captain Bill. 'Cyril and I had,' replied Bertha. 'You could have told me!' said Captain Bill. Bertha thought about this. 'That would have taken a lot of the fun out of it,' she replied. Cyril nodded in agreement. 'And that was the reason for sending me out there was it?' asked Captain Bill, 'so you two could have fun!' 'Well it was mostly so we could get the Mootilus back,' replied Bertha, 'but it was nice to have a bit of fun at the same time.' 'Speaking for myself,' said Cyril, 'I'd say it was more about the fun.' 'Really?' said Bertha. 'Mmm,' replied Cyril, 'I'd say, roughly speaking, 85-90% fun, 10% general helping.' 'It's interesting isn't it,' said Bertha, 'how people can work side by side on the same project and yet have totally different motives.' 'I co...

'And then I fought a duel!' continued Captain Bill. 'With a lipstick,' added Bertha. 'It still counts!' said Captain Bill. 'So I thought it would make a great subject for a poem.' 'Possibly?' replied Horace weakly. 'And you could write it!' suggested Captain Bill. 'It would make me.....and you of course, famous!' 'Yes!' agreed Horace. 'Just one last poem before I depart.' 'Are you going somewhere then?' asked Captain Bill. 'I'm dying,' gasped Horace. 'He got hit by a cushion,' said Bertha. 'Oh dear!' said Captain Bill. 'There's a slight bruise,' added Bertha. Captain Bill leaned forward to take a look. 'Oh, I see it!' he said. 'It's just there!' 'OW!' mooed Horace. 'Sorry about that,' said Captain Bill, '...............so any chance then.....of a poem.' 'I'll think about it,' sighed Horace. 'Great!' said ...

'Really!' bleated Flossie as he ran along,'there used to be a time when you could leave a balloon around without having to even place a guard on it!' 'People just don't seem to have any respect these days,' agreed Lefty. 'Anyway lads,' called out Flossie,'we can catch 'em up! The Mint Sauce is still the quickest ship on the high seas.' 'Lads are looking forward to a chase!' bleated Lefty. 'Good lads, brave lads,'puffed Flossie,'and seeing as how the need is pressing, just for once, while we're on the way to the harbour, I'll turn a blind eye to the whole running with swords and pointy things issue.' 'What about muskets?' called out a sheep from the back. 'Well,' replied Flossie,'obviously because of pressure of circumstances I would say any general personal weapon would be covered.' 'What about a cannon?' called out another sheep. 'A cannon?' replied Flossie,...

Morning all, your Captain speaking! Now part of being a top captain is knowing how to deal with the occasional crisis and I'm happy to report that once again, I'm there when there is one! The key to solving this particular situation is down to my intimate knowledge of the crew. Knowing each persons strengths and weaknesses as I do, I'm swiftly able to make the changes that will keep this ship on course! Norma (reliable, clear headed) has gone sick! Now I blame this on the female need to try to lose weight and so I've issued orders, that from now on, nobody is to have less than 7 breakfasts. That'll soon build her back up and get her returned to duty. But in the meantime... I've made one or two changes to the duty roster. Remember, even if you're not in command of a 1st rate ship, these lessons can easily be applied to whatever workplace you happen to find yourself in. Think postive, think Captain Bill! Thank you!