Cow Island

'What if they fall?' Horace asked. 'They won't fall,' Norma replied. 'Bertha re-stacked them. I'll get them moved just as soon as we're finished.' Horace pointed to the plaster on his nose. 'I'm very sorry,' Norma sighed. 'Now, if we could get on.' 'Agreed!' agreed Bertha. 'Firstly, ' Norma began, 'thank you all for coming. As you know we're here to decide on our exciting holiday destination.' Annie waved her tail. 'Yes?' Norma asked. 'Are we there yet?' mooed Annie. 'It's started,' Captain Bill muttered. Norma gave Captain Bill a 'look'. 'Not yet,' she replied to Annie. And Annie closed her eyes, snuggled up against Cyril and nodded off. 'So,' Norma continued, 'there's lots of brochures. Some of us have already made a start in looking through them.' 'And made suggestions,' said Captain Bill. 'An...

'Hopeless!' said Captain Bill. 'Absolutely hopeless!' 'I just don't think it's deliberate,' Norma replied. 'Every single time!' Captain Bill continued. 'There's simply no respect!  'I just think she gets carried away,' said Norma. 'Hopefully by the next tide,' Captain Bill replied. 'A nd when they're together...' 'I concede it is worse when she's with Cyril.' 'And the next time we're in a life or death struggle with ferocious hostiles who will they turn to to save them with a heroic display of bravery?' 'Well?' said Norma. Captain Bill straightened his hat. 'So where is the walking dustbin?'  'I suggested he should go and help Horace and Bertha,' Norma replied. 'They're moving....some essential holiday items.' 'That'll be hats will it?' '...............................................Possibly! Bertha and I ha...

'Is this all of us?' asked Captain Bill. 'As many as can be safely fitted into a single illustration,' replied Norma. 'And I will point out that there is more to Norman than can be presently seen.' And everyone agreed that there is much more to an elephant than just a trunk. 'And Cyril?' asked Captain Bill. 'I'm sure he'll be along soon,' replied Norma. 'And Annie?' 'She is definitely on her way.' 'I can see her now,' trumpeted Norman. 'No, I can't! Yes, I can! No, I can't, Yes...' 'We can start without her!' mooed Norma. 'I'll bring her up to speed when she arrives.' 'I think you may need to slow her down first,' said Norman. 'If we could get on?' urged Bertha. 'I, myself, will begin by saying that I and ma little students are ready to 'elp in any way,' said Camille. 'Although, obviously, I am expecting that little 'e...

'Ha! Ha! Ha! Shiver me tail and run 'em off the gang plank!.............You're right you know!' bleated Flossie. 'I seem to have got more enthusiasm back into it.' 'There's more gravitas in your voice,' replied Lefty. 'I think this whole seeking bloody revenge after selling a solid gold crown for a pile of useless rubbish fiasco might have been just the sort of motivational factor that you've been looking for.' 'It's true!' agreed Flossie. 'I think it's really helped focus my mind, taken me back towards the sort of core pirating activities that I always used to enjoy so much!' 'So do you think you'll stick with it?' asked Lefty. 'Have to wait and see,' replied Flossie. 'But if this new mood continues I don't see why not.' 'Flock'll be very pleased to hear it!' said Lefty. And with that they both turned to look back up the hill. 'We really are going to...

'....and that's when I told her it was a meeting of the highest level,' concluded Norma. 'And we can't be sued over that?' queried Captain Bill. 'I mean legally there's no actual definition of 'highest level'?' 'But it is!' replied Norma. 'There's the 3 of us and a penguin!' said Captain Bill. 'It's the quality that counts,' mooed Norma. 'There's the 3 of us and a penguin!' repeated Captain Bill. 'Are you saying I'm not high quality?' asked Bertha. 'Shall we move on?' suggested Norma. 'We still have to deal with the basic problem. How do we track down Flossie and his hoard of despicable pirate henchsheep?' Captain Bill looked nervous. 'Define hoard?' he asked. 'I don't know,' replied Norma. '50 perhaps?' '50!!!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'Roughly speaking,' replied Norma. 'And I bet rough would...

'But as health and safety courses go it was really interesting,' continued Lefty. 'Well glad I sent you on it then!' replied Flossie, 'and the posters?' 'Mostly about running with swords. I'm afraid they've tightened things up again!' At this moment Hooky tapped several times on the grass. 'Well,' replied Lefty, 'it now covers swords, daggers, forks including cake forks and skewers.' 'Doesn't leave a lot!' said Flossie dispiritedly. 'I had a word with mum,' replied Lefty, 'she's got some long handled spoons in a draw somewhere.' 'Not the same though is it!' said Flossie. 'Boarding an enemy vessel, swinging across on a rope with a long handled spoon clenched between your gnashers.' 'Ah!' said Lefty. 'Glad you mentioned that. Rope's out!' 'Out!' bleated Flossie. 'Out!' confirmed Lefty. 'From now on boarding can only be car...

'I wasn't!' said Captain Bill. 'WAS!' replied Bertha. 'Perhaps if we could move on?' suggested Norma. 'He was!' continued Bertha. 'Wasn't!' replied Captain Bill. Please!' pleaded Norma. Bertha and Captain Bill glowered at each other. 'Queen Phoebe's crown?' said Norma. 'We have promised to get it back.' 'OK!' agreed Bertha. 'Fine!' said Captain Bill. 'Soooooooooo,' smiled Norma, 'the question facing us is how do we track down a flock of utterly ruthless pirate sheep? Any thoughts?' Horace waved his pencil to attract Norma's attention. 'Yes?' asked Norma. 'Actually I've already started on an idea.' 'Wonderful!' mooed Norma. 'What is it?' Horace held up a piece of paper. 'It's a poem!' he said. '.....................Erm!........Well done!' replied Norma. 'I thought if I wrote a poem ...

'You're serious?' asked Flossie. 'Just want to do things properly,' replied Lefty. 'But it's a fish!' said Flossie. 'I know,' replied Lefty, 'but if it was a parrot?' 'But it isn't!' said Flossie. 'Principal of the thing,' replied Lefty. Flossie thought about it. 'OK!' he said, 'we'll score the goldfish separately. Now can we move on?' And so they did. 'Dave?' asked Lefty. 'Think we're all eating from the same meadow there,' replied Flossie and Hooky tapped in agreement. 'Harriet?' said Lefty. And again all hooves were raised. 'Mum?' said Lefty. Hooky tapped. 'No, 'replied Lefty, 'no sign of them yet.' 'Still,' said Flossie,' she's in as far as I'm concerned.' 'Just part time,' reminded Lefty. 'Just part time,' agreed Flossie. And so the meeting went on. And the goldfish was accepted....pending suitable refer...

'4 hours!!' exclaimed Lefty. 'He just wouldn't shut up!' replied Flossie. 'He even asked me if I was planning to retire!' 'Sorry I fell asleep.' 'Can't blame you,' replied Flossie, 'Hooky feigned death towards the end...it didn't make any difference.' 'So what did happen in the end?' asked Lefty. 'Dave asked him to leave.' 'And did he?' 'Yes,' replied Flossie, 'I think he found him slightly threatening.' 'Good call on the nickname then,' said Lefty. 'My thoughts exactly!' bleated Flossie. 'So did you, did you want anything off the trolley?' asked Lefty. 'Oh right!' replied Flossie. 'Erm...any biscuits?' 'I think so,' said Lefty, 'Mum....mum...it's just the batteries.' 'No problem,' replied Flossie. 'MUM!' yelled Lefty,'...I have ordered them.....MUM!'

'But it just seems to be a totally bizarre plan that'll involve the complete humiliation of several members of the group!' said Captain Bill. 'Nonsense!' replied Bertha. 'I will admit,' said Norma, 'that the juggling flamingos were a step too far, but we've got rid of them now.' 'Well go over it once more then,' said Captain Bill. So that's what Norma and Bertha did. 'Right,' began Norma, 'Bertha, Annie and myself, with Geraldine, will get Norman out of the rear exit and will then make our way back over the very tall thing to the Pickled Heifer. To help to distract the staff at the crucial moment Horace will give a poetry reading on the front lawn.' 'Norma thinks there's a very high chance that there'll be a conference of publishers staying in the hotel by then,' added Horace enthusiastically. 'Reeeeeaaaaaallllyyy?' said Captain Bill and just for a moment a glance was exchanged between himself a...

'I really don't see why we have to pay to get in?' said a disgruntled Captain Bill. 'Crowd control,' replied Cyril with a smile. 'Crowd control!' mooed Captain Bill. 'There are only 4 of us...and Horace fell asleep 10 minutes ago!' At this Annie herded into the audience and poked Horace with a pointy stick. 'It's important!' she said, before returning to her place. 'Get on with it!' called out Bertha. So that's what Cyril did! 'M'lud!' began Cyril, 'clearly I am innocent...' 'It's not a trial!' said Norma and Cyril apologised. 'Sorry,' he said, 'force of habit. Right before I begin again, can I give thanks to my team, who consist of little Annie and young Geraldine, from whom refreshments are available. And here Geraldine gave a quick dance and held up her tray of drinks and ices. 'Oh that's nice!' said Norma and everyone agreed. 'Now to continue,' continued Cy...