Cow Island

'I feel so guilty,' Norma mooed. 'It's obvious to me now that she had realised something was going on and wanted to tell us and I just ignored her.' 'You were under pressure at the time,' Bertha replied, 'and it wasn't only you, I was there as well.' 'She does so much for us and we just take her for granted,' Norma continued. 'I sometimes wonder if she would be better off spending more time with her own kind?' 'You mean other penguins?' 'No, other award winning authors,' Norma replied. 'I must admit I've always thought it would help if we had a clearer idea of what she was trying to say.' Norma nodded. 'I've already decided that once we've got Cow Island back I'm going to spend more time learning penguin. Annie says they have over 37,312 words just for fish.' 'That's impressive,' said Bertha. 'Even more so when you find out that they've only got...

'What lovely blossom,' said Norma. 'It's what we trees are all about at this time of year,' replied Annie. 'And you've got a nest!' 'Geraldine made it for me out of some old hoof mittens.' 'And you've added a bird box.' 'Fish box,' Annie corrected. 'Hmm,' mused Norma, 'I'm not sure a fish would be able to get up there?' 'That's why I added the ladder,' mooed Annie. 'You seem to have thought of everything.' 'Ta!' said Annie and she did a little dance.* 'So,' Norma continued, 'I do so hope you're coming on holiday?' Annie thought for a while.......................................a long while actually......until Norma was forced to prod her with a knitting needle. 'Are trees allowed to take holidays?' 'I know of no law which stops them,' Norma replied, '...and Cyril will be going.' 'Ooooooooooooooooooooo...

Could....................................could you just move your hoof a bit?' asked Flossie. 'Which one?' replied Lefty. 'Back right...........thanks! That's better. Now, I know it's a long shot, but, asking anyway, does anyone still have a pointy sword about them?' There were a couple of dejected bleats from the flock. '..................Pointy dagger?' asked Flossie. But there were just more dejected bleats. 'Pointy spoon?.....................Pointy hoof file?...........Pointy anything?' 'I think we've been cleared out,' observed Lefty. 'Hmm,' said Flossie. 'What about Hookey? He must still have something.' But where there would normally have been a response of an enthusiastic, rasping, tap...there as just the muffled sound of a fleece against soft grass. 'Curses!' muttered Flossie. 'Might try to bite our way out?' suggested Lefty. 'Undignified,' replied Flossi...

'I'm sure it is!' mooed Norma. 'It's the casket that you found when you fell off the cliff, that we decided to return to its rightful owner, so we could claim the reward, that was later stolen from us by the pirates, that they've carried with them since, but have now obviously, inadvertently, dropped, while fleeing with all of their stolen pointy swords.' '..........Well done!' said Horace. 'Thanks,' gasped Norma. '.....................So what now?'  'I think you'd better recover it.' Horace took a closer look at the casket. 'The bush looks a bit thorny,' he said. 'Does it?' replied Norma. 'Do you have any hoof mittens?' 'Not on me.' '..............................................Could you knit me some?' 'I don't think we have time right now,' said Norma. 'I'm sure if you're quick.' So Horace was. 'And now you could bring ...

'It's not difficult,' explained Norma. 'You just need to watch the factory without anyone spotting you.' 'OK!' said Horace. 'And then what?' 'Well, after a while you can let me know what you've seen.' '........................So you don't want me to write anything down? Any...poetry?' 'It's not really a poetry orientated task,' replied Norma. ' 'So, why did you ask me to do it?' 'I just thought you'd like to help,' replied Norma. 'I thought you wanted to be involved? Everybody else seemed to have something to do and I didn't want you to feel left out.' 'I don't think I would have minded.' 'Well, it would be nice if you would do it anyway,' mooed Norma. 'It's not particularly taxing.' 'So, what am I looking out for?' 'The pirate sheep!' replied Norma. 'The pirate sheep and just generally anything suspiciou...

'Is this all of us?' asked Captain Bill. 'As many as can be safely fitted into a single illustration,' replied Norma. 'And I will point out that there is more to Norman than can be presently seen.' And everyone agreed that there is much more to an elephant than just a trunk. 'And Cyril?' asked Captain Bill. 'I'm sure he'll be along soon,' replied Norma. 'And Annie?' 'She is definitely on her way.' 'I can see her now,' trumpeted Norman. 'No, I can't! Yes, I can! No, I can't, Yes...' 'We can start without her!' mooed Norma. 'I'll bring her up to speed when she arrives.' 'I think you may need to slow her down first,' said Norman. 'If we could get on?' urged Bertha. 'I, myself, will begin by saying that I and ma little students are ready to 'elp in any way,' said Camille. 'Although, obviously, I am expecting that little 'e...

'And then she said, 'find Norman and move as fast as you possibly can','. 'And so you tied yourself to a giant spring?' trumpeted Norman. Annie nodded, the giant spring wobbled and she bounced high into the air. ' Yes! ' she said, from very far up. ' I knew you'd work it out!' 'Well, you certainly are moving quickly,' Norman replied. 'Although I'm not sure that it's in the was Norma envisaged?' 'She didn't specify what type of fast ,' mooed Annie. And she bounced particularly high and threw in a forward roll for extra excitement...and her hat...stayed on! 'Nicely done!' said Norman. ' Ta! ' replied Annie. ' I think this is what it must feel like to be a huge spoonful of trifle .' 'You are achieving a remarkably high degree of wobbliness,' said Norman. 'But I do think that perhaps we should be getting on?' ' Okeemadoklies! ' repl...

'How an earth did you get in there?' asked Norma. 'It wasn't easy,' replied Captain Bill. 'Well you'll be getting yourself out. I don't have time to help you.' 'Perhaps we could just leave him there?' suggested Bertha. 'But you can't hide from her forever,' continued Norma. 'You know that don't you?  'I have absolutely no intention of meeting her,' mooed Captain Bill. 'She's already been asking after you,' replied Norma. ' 'ow is ma brave Capitaine Bile?' mimicked Bertha. Give her some sort of excuse,' said Captain Bill. 'Such as?' asked Norma. '............................................................I'm dead!' 'Could be arranged,' said Bertha. 'Tell her I died fighting dragons!' 'I doubt she'll believe me,' replied Norma. 'Ill then,' continued Captain Bill. '....................with something...

'Ah!' said Captain Bill. 'I didn't think it would take you long to put in an appearance.' 'I was worried about you,' replied Cyril. 'I said as much to Horace. I must go and see how they are, I said, you follow on when you're ready.' 'And what aspect of us being in a vineyard was causing you particular concern?' asked Captain Bill. 'So many potential hazards,' replied Cyril. 'You could easily catch your hat on a twig.' 'Or slip on a slightly larger than usual grape?' suggested Captain Bill. 'Could happen,' said Cyril. 'Well it'll come as some relief to you then to find that we're all OK.' 'Indeed!' said Cyril. 'Might as well stick around though, now that I'm here. Introduce myself to the locals, whoever they might be?' 'Vinelandianians!' mooed Annie. 'Quite possibly,' agreed Cyril. 'Captain Thingimy has already made friends with ...

'Can you see anyone?' whispered Norma. 'No!' replied Bertha. 'Can you?' 'No!' said Norma. 'I can!' mooed Annie. '...............................................Are they real?' asked Norma. 'They are to me,' replied Annie. 'Do they look like pirate sheep?' asked Bertha. 'One's big and grey,' replied Annie. 'That's Norman,' said Norma. 'Can you see him as well then?' asked Annie. 'Yes!' Norma. 'We're standing on him,' added Bertha. 'Hello!' trumpeted Norman. 'I think we should try to concentrate on the mission,' continued Bertha. 'Of course,' replied Norma. 'What do you think we should do?' 'I'm not sure,' replied Bertha. 'It could be a trap.' But before anyone could say anything else, Geraldine hopped off of Norman and skipped up and down the deck of the Pickled Heifer. 'Or ma...

'As you well know you could have told me there was nothing in it!' said Captain Bill. 'I thought you would have worked it out by the weight?' replied Bertha. 'It was obviously empty.' 'Yes...only it wasn't completely empty was it!' continued Captain Bill. 'There was a note inside saying, "Dear Cyril, Captain Bill has eaten all the cake".' 'I've simply no idea how it got there,' replied Bertha. 'He can't half move if he wants to,' said Captain Bill. 'Shh!' said Norma. 'Look over there!' 'Where?' asked Captain Bill and Bertha. 'Over there!' repeated Norma and she pointed with her tail. 'That's them!' 'Are you sure?' asked Bertha. 'Positive!' replied Norma. 'Why...why is that little bush moving along with them?' asked Captain Bill. 'That's Geraldine!' mooed Norma. 'See, she's just given us a wave....

'For the last time madame unhoof me!' 'And for the last time they are hands!' 'Then unhoofhand me...I need to steer me ship! 'A bit to port I think!' suggested Queen Phoebe. 'Which just goes to show how little you know madame,' replied Captain Bill, 'you are clearly indicating towards starboliarboliboard! Now who put that ship there? There's a lot of them isn't there! Hey you! Move it! If I hit him it'll be all his fault! 'You just need to turn a little to port,' said Queen Phoebe. 'I think you'll find there's only one captain on this ship!' replied Captain Bill. 'Right!' exclaimed Queen Phoebe. 'That's it!' 'Ah! No! No you don't! Give me back my hat!' 'Queenie's in charge!' replied Queen Phoebe.  'Perhaps everywhere else but not here!' said Captain Bill. 'Now give it back! I could have you thrown in the brig for this!' 'SI...

'I'm trying not to honestly I am!' said Captain Bill. 'They are very sensitive about it,' replied Norma. 'But it's just....' 'I know!' mooed Norma. 'They are very twitchy noses!' 'I keep wanting to beep them!' 'No!' said Norma. 'You mustn't! And they've been sooooo helpful. Bertha spotted the island a couple of hours ago.' 'Do we really need to?' asked Captain Bill. 'Yes we do!' replied Norma. 'We gave our word to get that crown back.' 'I didn't!' said Captain Bill. 'I gave it for you,' replied Norma. 'So kind!' said Captain Bill. 'That's me!' replied Norma. 'Now we'd better be getting on.' 'Yes!' said Captain Bill. 'Of course there will be a harbour to get the Pickled Heifer into.' 'Indeed,' replied Norma. 'Actually I was going to have a word with you about that.' '...

'Now let me begin,' began Captain Bill, 'by saying that this has got nothing to do with the fact that you've got wonky horns.' 'You're only saying that because I've got wonky horns!' mooed Annie. Captain Bill looked skyward. 'Strictly speaking that is correct,' observed Norma, 'if Annie didn't have wonky horns there'd be no need for you to point out that what you're about to say has nothing to do with them.' Captain Bill looked skyward and then deckward. 'I don't know why I bother sometimes?' he continued. And Annie fell over sideways and waggled her legs. Captain Bill herded closer to Annie. 'I if,' he said, 'was ever convinced that you behave like this purely to annoy!' And Annie stood up did a little dance and then fell over again. 'The point,' persisted Captain Bill, 'the point is that while none of our costumes are what you might call authentically pirate ...

'So me and Mr Sir Lord Cyril of Tenbreakfastsaren'tenoughshire are convinced we can get them even higher still!' said Annie. 'Glad to see you haven't just been wasting your time on something frivolous!' replied Norma. 'We wouldn't dream of it,' mooed Annie. 'It's the base width that matters most and you mustn't put too much grass in early on or the pressure from the upper layers squeezes all the juice out and makes them go soggy which results in instability.' Norma nodded her head. 'You seem to have taken sandwich design to a whole new level...in a quite literal sense!' 'Well we just like a challenge,' mooed Annie. 'Indeed!' replied Norma. 'And speaking of challenges I must be getting on.' 'Only after you've finished your sandwiches,' suggested Annie, 'or you may fall over due to lack of sandwicheness.' 'True,' replied Norma, 'but I really do need to get ...

'And then I turn the twirly whirly and the ship goes in a different direction,' said Horace. 'You see Captain Whatsisname made it out to be all so difficult,' replied Queen Phoebe, 'and yet from what you're saying it's as easy as easy could be!' 'Well there may be rather more to it than that,' said Horace, 'I'm not really all that interested in it to be honest.' 'No, I'm sure you've understood it completely,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'You know when you're not reading poetry you're actually not that boring to have around.' 'Er........thanks!' said Horace. 'Now I notice that ship over there is going faster than us so we'll need to speed up.' 'Erm...right,' said Horace, 'I'm not sure I can do that with the twirly whirly? It might be better to ask Norma or Bertha.' 'She's the shouty one?' asked Queen Phoebe. 'Indeed,' replied Horace...

'But she does know?' asked Captain Bill. 'She knows it wasn't my fault?' 'I think you made that perfectly clear to her,' replied Norma. 'Good, good!' said Captain Bill. 'I just didn't want there to be any doubts.' 'She's not mentioned it to be honest,' replied Norma, 'I think she's starting to miss King Otto.' 'Well I told her not to come!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Perhaps you did but she's here now and I think we should just do our best to look after her,' replied Norma. 'So I see,' said Captain Bill, '....are those...are those cushions from my cabin?' 'I didn't have enough of my own,' replied Norma. 'And that's my fan!' 'She's a bit hot.' 'So that makes it OK to just help yourself to my stuff?' asked Captain Bill. 'She is a Queen,' replied Norma, 'she's used to a certain standard of living, we may a...

'The thing is,' said Captain Bill, 'it's a very tricky job and quite different from Queening. I mean there's hardly any waving involved...and there's maps, lots of maps and charts and bits of paper and you wouldn't believe the decisions you have to make, it's constant, you'd be bored by it, it's tiresome and...' 'But One wants to be Captain,' interrupted Queen Phoebe, 'One's even 'ad an 'at run up especially like.' 'If it were only as easy as putting a hat on,' replied Captain Bill, 'and there's years of study, exams, further exams, resitting exams...more resitting, pleading with the examiners...and don't forget the bare minimum requirement is that you need to be able to tell your port from your starboliarboliboard.' 'But I've got you to do that for me,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'HA!' called out Bertha from the cows nest. 'See!' mooed Captain Bill, '...

No!' mooed Captain Bill, 'No! No! No! No! No!' 'Is that to going to the pirate jamboree or to Queen Phoebe coming with us?' asked Norma. 'All of it!' replied Captain Bill. 'But we've already talked to you about going to the pirate jamboree and you agreed that we could!' 'I've changed my mind,' replied Captain Bill, 'it would be wrong of me, as your captain, to let you place your lives...and mine...in danger.' 'But we all want to go,' pointed out Norma, 'and we've all said so...and we've taken a vote...and signed a form...and then taken a 2nd vote.' 'But as it clearly needs pointing out,' replied Captain Bill, 'this is not a democracy! We have a leader and so these decisions are mine and mine alone.' 'But you voted to go as well,' said Norma. '..........................................................................................I misunderstood the questi...

'Let me start,' began  Captain Bill, 'by pointing out that I already know the answer to this and am only asking so as to achieve maximum sarcastic impact, but just how much time have we spent on this 'think' business?' '.............................................a while,' replied Norma. 'Exactly?' asked Captain Bill. '.........................Not sure when we started really,' replied Norma. 'Hmmm,' said Captain Bill, 'and at the end of it, at the end of this long, long awful drawn out process...what are we left with?' 'She did risk her life for this,' pointed out Norma. 'I'm tempted to wonder if we got the right result?' mused Captain Bill. 'That's not nice,' mooed Norma, 'you're still her captain. You should be supportive even if it's not quite turned out as we expected.' 'Some people,' replied Captain Bill, 'are easier to support than others...