Cow Island

'And guess why they were on the island in the first place?' Norma continued. 'They had been asked to carry out a survey by The Small Island Supply Company!' 'More piratey skulduggery!' Bertha mooed. Norma nodded. 'Apparently King Otto had been buying quite a lot of things from them.' 'And you say Norman's not been able to send for help?' Bertha asked. 'There was no way of doing so,' Norma replied. 'So, we can't expect reinforcements to arrive.' 'Although King Otto must have noticed that his wife is missing by now,' Bertha suggested. Norma came to a halt. 'That's true! If he has sent ships out to look for them then there's always a chance they'll appear.' 'Is there anything else worth knowing?' 'Norman said that since the holiday maker have started arriving the sheep haven't been out to the smaller islands anywhere near a much as before. Which means as long as w...

'And you flick that catch there and it allows you to fire three shots at different ranges,' said Lefty. 'Brilliant!' bleated Flossie. 'And if you press the black button, a tripod drops down so you can use it in a sustained fire role.' 'Terrific!' And if you press the white button?' 'That's a digital radio and one of those things for getting horses hooves out of stones. To be honest, I see that as more of a gimmick.' 'Mmm,' replied Flossie. 'Not sure you'd get a lot of use out of that. I did once serve on a ship that had a horse as 2nd mate. It used to spend all its time running around the deck, jumping over the cannon...and it was rubbish at climbing in the rigging.' 'It sounds nice to have a mix of species,' replied Lefty, 'but statistics prove that all sheep ships work best.' 'You've got my vote on that one,' said Flossie. 'Now, is everyone happy with what they've...

'Cushions!' said Cyril. 'Pardon?' said Horace. 'Cushions!' repeated Cyril. 'I need to get more cushions.' 'You seem to have plenty already,' said Horace. 'A gentleman,' replied Cyril, 'can never have too many cushions.' 'Gentleman?' mooed Captain Bill. 'Now as I've told you before,' replied Cyril, 'if you're not happy you can leave whenever you're ready.' 'And may I remind you,' said Captain Bill, 'that this is MY ship!' 'Perhaps you could pop upstairs and tell the woolly folk that?' replied Cyril. 'Now, as I'm not one to harbour a grudge and as you are my guests.............who's for cake? You can decline if you wish.' 'May I have a slice of lemon drizzle?' asked Horace. 'Slice!' exclaimed Cyril. 'We don't deal in slices! Slicing requires knives and knives get dirty and then they need washing. I can't be...

'Now, don't want to seem ungrateful,' said Flossie, 'but have to be honest...feel silly.' 'Safe though,' replied Lefty. True, true,' said Flossie. 'Still, sometimes, just thinking out loud here, think we carry it all too far.' 'It's only while you're up there.' 'Good! Happy for the reassurance,' replied Flossie. 'Could I ask though, do we really have to have the cone?' 'It's only a little one.' 'Never the less?' 'Know you're not happy about it,' said Lefty, 'but the nails in the harness do constitute a trip hazard.' 'OK!' replied Flossie. 'Question asked, answer given. Moving forward, what news of our chasing steam powered adversaries?' 'Getting ever closer,' bleated Lefty. 'Taking your word for it,' replied Flossie. 'Partly because I implicitly trust you and partly because I can't turn around.' 'On the...

'It's.............it's huge!!!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'It's not bad,' replied Cyril. 'It must run the entire length of the ship!' 'Errrrrr, possibly,' said Cyril. 'Can't say I've ever measured it.' 'But I've only got a tiny room!' mooed Captain Bill. 'It's all you need really,' replied Cyril. 'This place is a burden.' 'I've just worked it out!' continued Captain Bill. 'We must be in the hold! 'Might be,' replied Cyril. 'Well it certainly explains why we can never carry much cargo...and you've taken all the ballast out.' 'I'm down here most of the time,' replied Cyril. 'It's pretty much the same thing.' 'Is that a jacuzzi?' asked Horace. 'Where?' said Captain Bill. 'Next to the billiards table,' replied Horace, 'behind that large marble sculpture.' 'Hardly ever use it,...

'But!' mooed Captain Bill. 'But what's....what's...why....I mean why what why???' 'Sorry?' said Horace. 'There's a tree!' continued Captain Bill. 'There's a tree, there, there in my cabin! There's a tree!' 'So there is!' replied Horace. 'Well, what's it doing there?' 'I don't know,' replied Horace. 'Where did you want it?' 'What?' 'Well if you didn't want it there, where did you want it to be?' 'I...I don't want it anywhere!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'Then, if you don't mind me asking, why did you have it put in your cabin in the first place?' Captain Bill stared at Horace and then herded very, very close to him. 'Look,' he began, 'just because dear old Wonky Horns isn't here doesn't mean that you need to make a valiant effort to deputise for her. I didn't put the tree in my cabin. I didn't a...

'On reflection,' bleated Flossie, 'it would have been more advantageous to have had Dave at the top.' 'He was very insistent,' replied Lefty, 'and there's no way the flock would have accepted the idea of you being at the bottom.' 'Kind,' said Flossie, 'but the whole stability thing is feeling distinctly suspect.' 'I could come down and swap with him,' suggested Lefty. 'Nice thought,' replied Flossie, 'but I think we're already committed. Another time perhaps.' 'If you're sure?' asked Lefty. 'Best if we just press on,' said Flossie. 'Hooky, what's out there?' Hooky tapped several times. 'I thought as much,' replied Flossie, 'and the guards?' Hooky tapped several times more. 'Curses!' said Flossie. 'Curses and several other mild expressions of frustration. They must have realised we've escaped.' 'We could rush th...

'Ha! Ha! Ha!' Free at last! Ha! Ha! Etc, etc,' bleated Flossie. 'Oh, very good!' said Lefty. 'Really?' asked Flossie. 'Indeed,' replied Lefty. 'For me it conveyed relief at having escaped but with a touch of inevitable bloodcurdling revenge. Time and place to be arranged.' 'That's pretty much what I was after,' said Flossie, 'and it does feel genuinely good to be on the outside...with some slightly better quality grass.' 'And without the ball and chains as well,' added Lefty. 'Who would have thought that those self same oversized, rough edged, magazine staples that served us so well with the tunnelling would also make such excellent files?' 'True!' said Flossie. 'Somewhat surprised they never spotted the soil pile though.' 'Yes,' agreed Flossie, 'perhaps on reflection we did take the whole 'maximum security, escape completely impossible' billing a litt...

'I don't know,' said Norma, 'they seem to remind me of...' 'Confetti?' suggested Captain Bill. 'That's it!' mooed Norma. 'They're almost exactly the same size. It must have taken her ages to glue them all on.' 'Five hours,' replied Captain Bill. 'It would have been less but she insisted on finishing the crossword.' 'She can be very thorough when she wants to be,' said Norma. 'You know she'd had that pot of glue for three years just sitting there waiting?' 'I think I was with her when she bought it,' replied Norma. 'I mean what is wrong with her?' 'I guess she warned you?' asked Norma. '................She may have,' replied Captain Bill. 'I think I recall her muttering something. It's difficult to remember in the heat of the moment. I tend to zone out when she starts shouting...which let's be honest is most of the time.' 'Pe...

'I never want to be rescued from the dastardly hooves of ruthless pirate sheep by being pulled through an 'ole in the ceiling by the trunk of an elephant ever again!' sighed Queen Phoebe. 'Are you traumamaurmeratasised?' asked Annie. 'I think I am!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Would a bun help? I made them for Mr Norman but I'm sure he wouldn't mind sharing.' 'Erm?' said Queen Phoebe and Norman. 'Or perhaps my chum Horace could read you some soothing poetry?' 'Is it really necessary?' asked Queen Phoebe. 'I doubt it!' replied Annie. '..........but he's not had a lot of lines recently.' 'I'll manage without,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Also,' continued Annie, 'I'm to tell you that the ruthless pirate fluffies....' 'Sheep!' said Queen Phoebe. 'Possibly those as well!' replied Annie. 'That they are all now safely contained in what was ...

'Why?' gasped Captain Bill. 'What does he want with them?' 'I don't know,' replied Norma. 'But he says he's got a plan.' 'Eleventy billion squillion miles he made me carry them!' 'I think he helped?' said Norma. 'My hooves have worn away!' continued Captain Bill. 'Perhaps you would benefit from having fifteen tiny invisible legs?'  'What?' said Captain Bill. 'Nothing,' replied Norma. 'I could have been attacked with a pointy sword at any moment!'  'Were you?' asked Norma. 'Who knows!' continued Captain Bill. 'I'm too tired to care!' 'So shall I leave you there?' asked Norma. 'NO!' mooed Captain Bill. 'You'll have to move yourself then,' replied Norma. 'The utterly ruthless pirate sheep can't be far behind.' 'You'll have to carry me.' 'I can't!' replied Norma. 'So...

'Just....just let go! Cyril! CYRIL! Let go! LET GO!' 'You panic, you know that don't you!' replied Cyril. Captain Bill turned and faced Cyril. 'Panicking is there for a reason!' he mooed. 'It's a perfectly justifiable response to being chased with pointy swords!' 'It's a lovely day!' said Cyril. 'What?' replied Captain Bill. 'It's a lovely day,' repeated Cyril. 'If you didn't panic so much you'd be more aware of these sort of things.' 'If I get run through with a pointy sword I shall be aware of very little!' replied Captain Bill. 'Wonderful autumn colours,' continued Cyril. 'Raw siennas, oranges, soft lemon yellows.' 'Have you been drinking?' asked Captain Bill. 'A nip of sedge brandy nothing more,' replied Cyril. 'Look!' said Captain Bill. 'If you want to muse lyrically about the time of year that's up to you but...

'Well,' said Norma, 'I suppose it is a bit like kiss chase but you'd have to replace the word 'kiss' with the words 'horrible pointy sword death'.' 'Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!' mooed Annie. 'That doesn't sound like anywhere near as much fun.' 'Indeed!' replied Norma. 'Which is why I'm suggesting to you that you don't go back for your hat and we simply knit you another one once we're safely home.' 'Perhaps I could get the shrimps to knit if for me?' said Annie. 'I'm sure they've been missing you,' replied Norma. 'Now maybe we should concentrate on catching up with the others?' 'Queen Whateverhernameis can run very quickly considering that she's only got two legs!' said Annie. 'It's come as a surprise to me as well!' replied Norma.  'Perhaps she's got fifteen tiny invisible legs that she only uses for special occasions?...

'No!...........No! It's...........it's not gone at all well!' bleated Flossie. 'Seemed to at the time!' replied Lefty. 'Oh!.....I couldn't agree more,' said Flossie, 'but on reflection...........we seem to have been tucked up like a kipper!' 'I actually felt sorry for him at one point,' added Lefty. 'Me too!' replied Flossie. 'But...at the end of the day......well...........well we seem to have sold a solid gold crown for a piece of carpet that's held together with bits of rope that look like they should be in a museum, one of those things that makes your cabin smell nice and a painting.' '.................................Yer!' said Lefty. 'I'm not even sure what it's supposed to be?' 'Orange, cedarwood and clove I think?' replied Lefty. 'No I meant the painting,' said Flossie. 'It's a landscape,' replied Lefty. 'Right!' muttered Flo...

'Afternoon!' said Flossie. 'Afternoon!' said Cyril. 'Busy?' asked Flossie. Cyril looked around him. 'Not really,' he replied. 'See you've got some crowns,' continued Flossie. 'Mmm,' said Cyril. 'Want to buy another?' asked Flossie. Cyril thought for a while. 'Not really,' he said. 'To tell you the truth...I should never have bought the others.' 'Oh!' said Flossie. 'I'm a fool to myself really,' replied Cyril. 'I went a bit...crown mad. I had this idea I could corner the market. I simply had no idea how many royal type personages there are out there.' 'One more wouldn't hurt though,' suggested Flossie. 'Make a nice collection.' 'True!' replied Cyril. 'And it's a good one!' added Flossie. 'Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll?' said Cyril. 'Go on!' said Flossie. 'Problem i...

'And there's nothing left! mooed Captain Bill. 'Nothing! Nothing at all!' 'OK!' replied Horace. 'Not even the carpets!' continued Captain Bill. 'I don't think there's anything I can do about it!' said Horace. 'I'm not asking you to do anything about it!' said Captain Bill. 'I'm just telling you!' 'I've not been back to the ship for ages,' replied Horace. 'Well your cabin's fine! Everyone else's is fine! It's just mine! Even the porthole's gone...and the ceiling!' '................................Right!' said Horace. 'So what's happening here? Norma said I should come and help.' 'I've got to wave a flag.' said Horace. 'And you need help with that?' 'Norma seemed to think I might.' 'And what about this painting?' '..............................................................I may have knocked ...

Hooky tapped furiously. 'No, he's got it the right way up!' replied Flossie. Lefty held up the map so everyone could see. Hooky tapped once. 'Apology accepted!' replied Lefty. 'So where do you think we should be?' asked Flossie. 'Errrrrrrrr, there!' replied Lefty and he indicated a space between two tents. 'What are they?' 'That one's the Big Cannon Tea Tent and the other one's a health and safety advisory stall...although I must admit there are several of those.' Flossie glanced about him. 'Don't actually seem to be near anything!' 'That's the thing I can't explain,' replied Lefty. 'Could we turn back?' suggested Flossie. Slightly Threatening Dave pointed to the no entry sign. 'OK!' said Flossie. 'Good idea though,' replied Lefty. 'So where are we trying to get to?' asked Flossie. 'There!' replied Lefty. 'Diamond Doris...

'There are reports of shoals of trifles off the coast again.' 'I myself have missed this as I have been spending too much time at the gymnasium,' replied Cyril. 'I did ask her if we could dispense with the passwords,' said Bertha. 'I saw a picture of a gym once,' replied Cyril. 'Never again!' 'So what news?' asked Bertha. 'The giraffe is in!' replied Cyril. 'Should I ask how?' asked Bertha. 'Didn't take much,' replied Cyril. 'A couple of 2nd hand carpets and a secret hoof shake.' 'Captain Bill's cabin is carpeted I believe,' said Bertha. 'Was!' replied Cyril. 'And Norma and I are a tad concerned about where you're getting the crowns from?' 'Got to look the part!' replied Cyril. 'A dealer in crowns has got to have crowns otherwise people would question things.' 'Still!' said Bertha. 'I'll give them back aft...

'I see the fruit cakes have flown south early this winter,' whispered Bertha. 'Excellent!' replied Cyril, 'That can only help me with the strict diet that I have so recently embarked on.' 'You know I'm not convinced that we need these passwords!' mooed Bertha. 'They're certainly not accurate!' replied Cyril. 'I'll have to speak to Norma about them,' said Bertha. 'She does have a tendency to get carried away with these things.' 'So any news?' asked Cyril. 'Nothing so far,' replied Bertha. 'And you?' 'Sold a couple of nice rugs.' 'Where did you get them from?' 'He'll never miss them,' replied Cyril. 'Besides we've got to make contacts.' 'And have you?' 'Got talking to a giraffe,' replied Cyril. 'He applied for a post with Flossie a while back. Didn't get the job, he's got a bit of a grudge, could be use...

'But One was perfectly alright!' explained Queen Phoebe. 'Er?' replied Norma. 'One was disguised and everything.' 'It's just...' said Norma, 'we were worried about you, that's all.' 'Most kind I'm sure,' replied Queen Phoebe, 'but One don't spend years being a royal personage without learning how to look after One.' 'Possibly,' said Norma, 'but we do feel sort of responsible for you. 'No need!' 'And what would King Otto think if he knew you were wandering about a pirate jamboree?' 'He'd say, smile, smile my dear and be regal and if they get too close punch 'em on the nose!' 'Really?' asked Norma. 'Indeed!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'He's full of useful advice like that. It's why everyone loves 'im so.' 'Still,' said Norma, 'think of how it would look if it got in the press, 'Queenie brawls with pirat...