Cow Island

'Last one's almost out,' Lefty bleated. 'Har! Har! Har!' Flossie cried. 'Who needs opposable thumbs!' 'Be nice though,' Lefty said. 'Would make eating bananas easier.' 'True!' Flossie replied. 'Very partial to a banana...need to be ripe though.' 'Do we have to take the tiny pick back?' Lefty asked. 'Should do,' Flossie said, 'but then, you know, pirates and all, just thought we'd steal it.' 'Make a nice memento,' Lefty suggested. 'I thought so,' Flossie agreed. 'Was going to get some postcards but never had the time.' 'Could get Mum to make a display case for it,' Lefty continued, 'with a small engraved brass plaque.' 'Like your thinking!' Flossie replied. 'Now, are we ready to go?' 'All done and staple free,' Lefty bleated. 'Top pirating!' Flossie said. 'I can't help feeling the we've weathe...

'Curses part one hundred and twelve...give or take,' Flossie began. 'Lost count if I'm honest! The swag bag's been giant stapled to the cliff me hearties!' 'Does make it more secure,' Lefty observed. 'It's less likely to fall off the edge now.' 'True!' Flossie replied. 'But not really the point.........Don't suppose you're carrying a crowbar by any chance?' 'I've made a note to make sure I always carry one in the future,' Lefty bleated. 'Mum's got one she doesn't use anymore.' 'Excellent!' Flossie cried. 'Positive thinking etcetera etcetera but really need it now. Did we happen to pass a kiosk of an itinerant crow bar vendor as we started up the old cliff path?' 'Didn't see one,' Lefty said. 'No, neither did I,' Flossie bleated. 'Thought it was a bit of a long shot. Clutching at straws really but, you know, desperate times...' ...

'Appreciating that the crown does have pointy bits AND that there really should be a handrail of some sort but, all things considered,....RUN!!!!' Flossie shouted. And so he and Lefty picked up the sack between them and headed back down the old cliff path just as fast as they could. 'CRUNCH!!!!' went a noise behind them and a giant staple zipped over Flossie's head. 'That could have had someones eye out!' Lefty cried. 'And I don't have any to spare!' Flossie replied. 'CRUNCH!!!!' went the noise again and a second staple bounced off of the rocks below them. 'Where are we heading for?' Lefty called out. 'Not sure,' Flossie shouted back. 'We can decide once we're at the bottom.' 'Not far to go now!' Lefty said. And, despite the danger, Flossie stopped them running and they paused for a moment.  'Odd, isn't it,' he observed, 'how it always seems so much quicker on the ...

'Curses!' Flossie cried. 'Delayed again!' 'And forced to take a diversion via the old cliff path just to get around them,' Lefty added. Flossie paused for a moment.  'Hmm,' he pondered out loud, 'slightly laboured lines if you ask me.' 'Helps to establish the scene though,' Lefty replied. '....Suppose,' Flossie said, 'and it's a nice walk...good views.' 'Bit steep in places,' Lefty observed. 'I mean, it's OK for us but Mum would find it a bit of a struggle and strictly speaking they should put in some sort of safety handrail. If we weren't in such a hurry I'd speak to someone about it.' 'Maybe you could write to them?' Flossie suggested. 'After we get home.' 'Oh!' Lefty bleated. 'That's a good idea! As long as you don't mind?' 'Absolutely fine with me,' Flossie replied. 'Might be best not to put our address on it though...

'Afternoon!' Cyril said. 'It's morning,' Flossie bleated. 'So it is!' Cyril replied. 'If you could make a note of that please?' And Lefty wrote it down. 'Shall we continue?' Cyril asked. 'FREE CAKE!!!!!' Annie mooed. 'Errr?' Flossie replied. 'Kind of you but we're in a bit of a hurry.' 'Ah!' Cyril cried. 'You misunderstand! My Friend was actually wondering if you had any free cake....for us?' Annie stampeded around Cyril and slid to a halt in front of Flossie. 'I'm a cake eater,' she explained, 'and Mr Sir Cyril of Biscuitshire is a walrus. It's parody!' and she turned away but then stopped. 'Or possibly homage?' she added and she ran back behind Cyril but went via the sea so she could have a paddle on the way. 'I'm afraid we have no cake,' Lefty explained. Annie fainted. 'Oh!' Lefty said. 'It's just pretend!...

'It is your ship?' Camille asked. 'It is,' Norma replied. 'It is on an 'ill!' 'I know,' Norma mooed. 'It's complicated.' 'That is what Ms Bertha said,' Camille replied.  'Talking of Bertha?' Norma began. 'I left 'er at the ship,' Camille said, 'with the brave and occasionally conscious Capitaine Bile. Ms Bertha said to tell you she was collecting something.' 'I thought she might be,' Norma replied. 'I just hope we're not too late.' 'Well,' Camille continued, 'I must also tell you that Ms Bertha as spoken to Ms Geraldine and so I can report that the pirates 'ave been delayed! Apparently Flossie is not the only one capable of adopting a disguise and much time was lost over a dispute about a catering bill.' 'Such a clever penguin!' Norma mooed. 'She also made an excellent job of the patio extension to the castle last year,' Quee...

'Sorry for the delay,' Lefty bleated and he paused for a moment to catch his breath. 'Problem?' Flossie asked. 'They tried to overcharge on the pancakes,' Lefty replied. 'Never!!!' Flossie cried. 'Seriously,' Lefty assured him. 'I was sure I was right but the manager had mislaid the paperwork and it took ages to find it. Their filing system left a lot to be desired I can tell you.' 'Just goes to prove that it's always worth checking though,' Flossie replied. 'That's what I thought,' Lefty said, 'but I knew we were pressed for time.' 'No, no!' Flossie interrupted. 'You did absolutely the right thing. Overcharging on a catering bill is something I simply will not stand for.' 'Anyway,' Lefty continued, 'it's all sorted and paid for so we can get going whenever you want.' 'I quite like the view from here,' Flossie replied, 'but it might be for...

''as 'e fainted?' Camille asked. 'He always does when you mention pirate sheep,' Bertha replied. 'That's why I wanted to be the first to tell him.' 'But it seems too ludicrous to be true!' 'Honestly,' Bertha mooed, 'every time.' 'No,' Camille corrected, 'I mean about the pirate sheep.' 'Oh, I see!' Bertha replied. 'But,' and here she took a crude drawing from under her hat, 'if you take that director chappie, remove his beret and monocle and add a speech bubble saying 'Har! Har! Har!'.' 'Mon dieu!' Camille exclaimed. 'Flossie!!!!' 'The self same,' Bertha replied. 'The disguise was almost foolproof and none of us need feel in the least bit embarrassed that we failed to realise who it was at an earlier point in time.' 'Agreed!' Camille agreed. 'Just curious but....do you think there's any chance that ma little stude...

'PIRATE SHEEP!!!!' Queen Phoebe cried. 'That's what Bertha and I said,' Norma replied. 'But they looked so convincing!'  'True,' Norma continued, and here she took a crude drawing out from her hatband, 'but if you take that director chappie and remove his beret and monocle and add a speech bubble saying, 'Har! Har! Har!'.' 'FLOSSIE!!!!' Queen Phoebe wailed. 'It was the perfect disguise,' Norma conceded, 'and none of us need to feel in the least bit guilty that we didn't see through it at an earlier opportunity.' 'And they have One's crown!' Queen Phoebe sobbed. 'We'll do everything we can to get it back,' Norma assured her. 'Oh, when his Kingshipfulness gets to hear of it!'  'I realise it's not good news,' Norma mooed. 'The news!!!!' Queen Phoebe cried. 'It'll be front page time and pullout specials!!!!' 'But if we ...

'PIRATE SHEEP!!!!!' Norma and Bertha exclaimed in unison. 'Apparently,' Horace nervously replied. 'At least, Geraldine thinks so.' 'You've spoken to her?' Bertha asked. 'Annie did,' Horace replied. 'You know I've always found it difficult understanding Penguin.' Norma looked at Bertha, Bertha looked at Norma, they both looked back at Horace. 'Where are they now?' Norma asked. 'Who?' Horace replied. 'Annie? Cyril? Geraldine? Or the pirate sheep?' 'All of them!' Bertha mooed. 'In that order!' 'I've no idea,' Horace replied. 'Cyril pulled the megaphone out of a bin, hit it a few times and then gave it to me and said I should get you all here. Then they ran off.' Norma and Bertha did the looking at each other thing again. 'What do you think?' Norma asked. 'Could it be true?' 'Do you mean about Cyril running or the film crew being p...

'Help! Help! What can One do now?' One's kingdom has been ravaged by a giant squid,' Queen Phoebe wailed. 'GRRRRRRRRRR!' Norman trumpeted. 'Are we not doing the tentacle waving anymore?' Flossie asked. 'It's just to make sure they don't fall off again,' Lefty explained. 'Fine!' Flossie replied, 'Makes sense, on we go.' and he motioned towards Queen Phoebe to continue. 'One must do something!' she cried. 'One must save One's crown.' 'Oh, very good!' Flossie bleated. 'In my opinion the best piece of acting ever committed to film by a royal personage in a scene involving a giant squid.' 'Do you really think so?' Queen Phoebe asked. 'Oh yes,' Flossie replied. And Lefty said he agreed and the entire crew applauded. 'One does One's best,' Queen Phoebe said and she smiled and gave a royal type wave. 'Now,' Fl...

'No...no, she's nodded off again.' 'Not to worry,' Flossie replied. 'It was a boost to morale to have her awake, even if it wasn't for long.' 'I might ask Harriet to get her aboard the Mint Sauce,' Lefty bleated. 'Good idea,' Flossie agreed. And so, leaving Lefty's mum to rest, they made their way back onto the set. 'Right,' Flossie began, 'scene...whatever...think of a number. Royal champion defeated, giant squid triumphant...is he here by the way?' 'He lost a tentacle,' Lefty explained. 'So he did!' Flossie bleated. 'He's having it put back on. Shouldn't be long.' 'Fine! Right, where was I? Ah, yes, giant squid triumphant and so...finally...dramatic action time arrives!' 'Whoopee do!' Queen Phoebe yawned. 'Apologies for the delay,' Flossie replied. 'Tis one of those things when filming.' 'Well, that's all very well for ...

'Well, I never knew that!' Flossie bleated. 'A flock of pancakes! Who'd have thought it?' 'I would have gone for coven,' Lefty said. 'A bankruptcy would be more appropriate,' Flossie sighed. 'And there's several dozen family sized cakes, 24 bowls of sugar and a swimming pool of ice cream on the same bill,' Lefty added. 'We haven't hired a coach full of very thin people at some point?' Flossie asked. 'No,' Lefty replied, '......I checked.' 'Oh well,' Flossie said. 'If the newly improvised diabolically fiendish plan works we can still break even.' 'Needs to,' Flossie replied. 'Is the Mint Sauce ready to sail?' 'I've sent Harriet and Slightly Threatening Dave down to make sure,' Lefty said. 'Top choice!' Flossie bleated. 'We'll need everyone ready. It'll come down to split second timing. The whole flock will need to play their p...

'Another!' Flossie exclaimed. 'This one is for 700 packets of chocolate biscuits,' Lefty explained. 'Curses!' Flossie cried. 'Who will rid me of these turbulent catering bills?' 'Could ask Mum?' Lefty suggested. 'No,' Flossie bleated, 'let her rest........So, the big fight scene.' 'GRRRRR!' Norman trumpeted. 'Actually, could we try GRRRRRR again?' Flossie said. 'My mistake. Now, the fight, giant squid versus her majesty's champion.' 'I'm still not happy about the casting,' Queen Phoebe called out. 'Noted!' Flossie said. ''E is an 'ero!' Camille mooed. 'Quiet on set!' Lefty bleated. 'If I may?' Flossie said. 'They circle each other, sizing each other up.' 'Norman is bigger!' Queen Phoebe noted. 'Excellent observation,' Flossie replied. 'Glad you're here.' 'For Capitaine Bile a giant ...

'GRRRR!' Norman trumpeted and he waved his tentacles about. 'Oh, very good!' Flossie bleated. 'The script does only call for GRRR,' Lefty said. 'True,' Flossie agreed, 'but I thought that was more dramatic. For me it added a layer of tension that had been missing. It helps us to understand just why her majesty is pushed toward taking such a drastic course of action.' 'It is only Norman,' Queen Phoebe pointed out. 'And what exactly is this drastic course of action One is hearing spoken about?' 'We shall come to that your majesty,' Flossie replied. 'But for now the kingdom is under attack.' 'Hmmm!' Queen Phoebe said. 'In a cinematic context only,' Flossie hastily added, 'and with a guarantee of no journalistic repercussions.' 'Hmmm!' Queen Phoebe said. 'A giant squid threatens the kingdom,' Flossie continued. 'GRRRRR!' Norman trumpeted and he wave...

'The bill's correct,' Lefty whispered. 'It wasn't a mistake.' 'But who can eat that many trifles?' Flossie asked. 'Perhaps they've got a problem?' Lefty suggested. 'You know, like an addiction.' 'Possible I suppose,' Flossie bleated. 'But 315?' 'So, what now?' Lefty asked. Flossie thought for a while.  'Change of plan,' he eventually replied. 'We can't hang about. We'll just have to improvise.' And he walked back onto the set. 'Right,' he began, '...............................................Scene 237.' 'What 'appended to all the other scenes!!!' Queen Phoebe exclaimed. 'Ah!' Flossie replied. 'Tis one of those filming things. We don't always shoot scenes in sequence. Might seem strange if you're not used to it but it's perfectly normal. So, scene.....?' '237,' Lefty said. 'In which your majest...

'So how was Her Maj?' Flossie asked. 'Hmm,' Lefty replied, 'not sure. I think it'll be OK. I have explained that he's not really her champion and we can put a disclaimer in the credits if she likes.' 'Good idea!' Flossie said. 'Quick thinking as always.' 'Anyway,' Lefty continued, 'we may have bigger things to worry about.' And he passed Flossie a long thin piece of paper. 'HOW MUCH!!!!!!' Flossie bleated. 'That's what I said,' Lefty replied. 'It's outrageous! It can't be right?' 'I've asked them to check. It's well beyond what I've budgeted for.' 'I'm not surprised,' Flossie replied as he scanned the bill. 'There's one entry here alone for 315 trifles!' 'Must be a typo,' Lefty said. 'Needs to be,' Flossie replied. 'We can't afford that! Of all the things that could go wrong....' 'We co...

'It's just if you're any lower you'll be in shot,' Lefty bleated. 'Really, it's fine,' Flossie replied. 'Now, Scene 3, it is the afternoon.' 'What time exactly?' Queen Phoebe asked. Flossie looked at Lefty, Lefty shrugged. 'The precise time appears to be unimportant,' Flossie explained. 'Well it may not be to you,' Queen Phoebe replied, 'but His Kingshipfulness takes a nap around 1.30 and I wouldn't want him disturbed.' 'Then we shall make it 3 o'clock if that suits?' Flossie said. 'Fine with me,' Queen Phoebe replied. 'Pray continue.' 'Glad to be of service,' Flossie said. 'It is 3 o'clock, your majesty is inside the castle.' 'But One is outside!' Queen Phoebe observed. 'The castle will be added in later,' Lefty bleated. 'It's what we call a special effect.' 'Well I never!' Queen Phoebe replied. '...