Cow Island

'But you 'ave 'ad four directs 'its on Flossie alone!' Camille cried. 'And three on Lefty,' Bertha replied, 'but the staples are just bouncing off of their fleece.' 'But what can be done?' Camille asked. 'They will get away!' Bertha stopped firing and turned to Norma. 'You take over,' she mooed, 'I need to go back to the Pickled Heifer.' 'I shall accompany you!' Camille exclaimed. 'Norma, look after ma little students if you please. I shall be setting no 'omework in my absence but if there is time you could get them to write 'ome to their parents telling them what a great time they are 'aving....Maybe encourage them to ask for more spending money?' And so Bertha and Camille ran back towards the ship. 'Might One be of any use?' Queen Phoebe asked after they had left. 'One is feeling not quite fully used in the current crisis.' 'I'm not sure that ther...

'It's just if you're any lower you'll be in shot,' Lefty bleated. 'Really, it's fine,' Flossie replied. 'Now, Scene 3, it is the afternoon.' 'What time exactly?' Queen Phoebe asked. Flossie looked at Lefty, Lefty shrugged. 'The precise time appears to be unimportant,' Flossie explained. 'Well it may not be to you,' Queen Phoebe replied, 'but His Kingshipfulness takes a nap around 1.30 and I wouldn't want him disturbed.' 'Then we shall make it 3 o'clock if that suits?' Flossie said. 'Fine with me,' Queen Phoebe replied. 'Pray continue.' 'Glad to be of service,' Flossie said. 'It is 3 o'clock, your majesty is inside the castle.' 'But One is outside!' Queen Phoebe observed. 'The castle will be added in later,' Lefty bleated. 'It's what we call a special effect.' 'Well I never!' Queen Phoebe replied. '...

'Your attention please!' Flossie bleated. 'Are you filming yet?' Queen Phoebe inquired. 'Not yet your majesty,' Flossie replied. 'Only One aint got her crown on straight.' 'There'll be plenty of time to sort it out,' Lefty assured. 'May I continue?' Flossie asked. And Queen Phoebe said he could. 'Thank you!' Flossie said. '...............................Forgotten where I was now?' 'Opening scene,' Lefty prompted. 'Grateful!' Flossie replied. 'Opening scene, we see your majesty walking in the garden.' 'There won't be any peasants will there?' Queen Phoebe asked. 'No, no,' Flossie replied. 'You are walking in the garden, your mind at ease. All is well in the kingdom.' 'Well, it normally is,' Queen Phoebe said. 'His Kingshipfulness, I do love 'im so, he won't have unease. It affects his digestion.' 'Understood,...

'Well, it's certainly nice to bump into a familiar horn or two,' Queen Phoebe said. 'And it's nice to be here again,' Norma replied. 'It must be very exciting for you to be having a film made on the island?' 'One is what I believe the more common folk describe as up for it,' Queen Phoebe said. 'Are you going to be in it?' Bertha asked. 'Possibly,' Queen Phoebe replied, 'possibly. One refused at first but they've begged me to appear and after checking with One's hubby, I do love him so, he said, 'Phoebescrumptious, if it helps them out and gets us some positive editorial in the tabloids, you go for it!'.' 'That's very understanding of His Majesty,' Norma suggested. 'Well, it's who he is,' Queen Phoebe replied. 'You can't stop him once he's in the mood. Kindness personified, even to the peasants. Only he's not keen on them getting too close so we're l...

'And we've never met before?' Queen Phoebe asked. 'Quite certain,' Flossie bleated. 'Sure?' Queen Phoebe asked. 'Sure!' Flossie bleated. Queen Phoebe took a long hard look at Flossie. '................................On we go then!'  'Tis very generous of you to let us be here,' Flossie said. 'The whole film crew feel very honoured.' 'Well,' Queen Phoebe replied, 'when one got your request One chatted it over with One's hubby, I do love him so, and he was right up for it.' 'Considerate of you both.' Flossie added. 'Phoebekins, he said,' Queen Phoebe continued, 'if this don't get us a couple of pages in the colour supplements I'll eat me crown and the readies will come in handy as well.' 'Most astute!' Flossie replied. 'He's like that,' Queen Phoebe said, 'but do the tabloids bother to mention it? Years of astuteness and they do...

'So, the plan, should it be acceptable to your majesty, is to get Norman to ferry us across to Cow Island. It isn't very far and the water is quite shallow.' 'Consider him at your disposal,' Queen Phoebe replied. 'That's a kindness,' Norma smiled. 'And once we 'ave arrived?' Camille asked. 'We'll split up and, disguised as holidaymakers, we'll infiltrate their despicable piratey operation.' Norma replied. 'Hmm,' Camille mused, 'although I suspect it is just a feed for what passes as a joke, I am required to question your decision for us to split up. Do we 'ave to do so?' 'I'm afraid it's essential for two reasons,' Norma replied. 'Firstly, it will allow us to cover more ground and, secondly, it will make us easier to draw.' My suspicions are confirmed!' Camille mooed. 'I have to say One is, in the common parlance,  up for it,' Queen Phoebe added. ...

'Really,' Queen Phoebe began, 'One don't mind hiding if One has too but to be separated from One's hubby for so long....' 'It must be a great trial for you,' Norma sympathised. 'One gets the right hump about it and his Kingshipfulness will be out of his mind with worry about me.' 'Have you had no communication with him at all?' 'Not a peep! One had only popped orf for a few hours to check a few things. One don't think to take along an emergency homing haddock just in case the island One goes to visit gets stolen while you're on it.' 'I suppose not,' Norma replied. 'If it hadn't been for having Norman with me, One don't know what One would have done.' 'He must have been a great comfort to you.' 'True!' Queen Phoebe said. 'Although he has got a bit moany since the buns ran out.' 'Hardly surprising.' 'I suppose not and he spoke very wisely, ...

'Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Etcetera, etcetera,' said Flossie. 'And revenge and death?' asked Lefty. 'Indeed! Indeed!' replied Flossie. 'Definately revenge and death. Basically very much the same speech as last time but in a more appropriate setting as we now seem to have found someone to take revenge upon.' 'Think we all get the picture,' said Lefty. And the flock bleated in agreement. 'One is not afraid!' said Queen Phoebe. 'Your choice!' replied Flossie. 'Fear, no fear, doesn't make much difference to us.' 'And Dave still gets first go with the pointy sword?' asked Lefty. 'Seems only fair,' replied Flossie. 'Now before we go on, any questions?' Hooky tapped several times, then stopped, then tapped some more.. 'Well,' replied Flossie, 'glad you raised that, there's no getting away from it, two white gates to go through, freshly laid grass, big arrow sign on the wall...

'And Mr Norman says he can do as you asked and Queen Thingymeboggle has agreed and Geraldine is going to cut the hole where you requested,' mooed Annie as she ran alongside Cyril. Cyril slowed down. 'I can take things easily then!' he said. 'I think it suits you,' replied Annie. 'It's much more me,' said Cyril. 'But you did run all of,' and at this point Annie got out a tape measure, 'about 4 inches.' 'I've not done that in years!' said Cyril. 'You look better for it,' replied Annie. 'Toned?' asked Cyril. Annie shrugged her horns. 'Whatever!' she replied. 'Also I need to inform you that I'm going to marry a King and have fifteen tiny invisible legs fitted.' 'Do I get to be best man?' asked Cyril. 'If you want to,' replied Annie. 'You'd probably have to make me an Earl before I could do it.' 'I'd rather make you ten breakfas...

'And so on behalf of all of us,' continued Norma, 'I would just like to say how pleased we are to be able to return your crown to you.' 'Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'And of course, at this important moment, I'd like to say a special thank you to my hubby, King Otto, don't we all love 'im, without whom none of this would have been possible!'  'Er?' mooed Norma. 'It has been his truly inspirational leadership what has seen you all through this difficult time.' 'Possibly?' said Norma. 'There were others...Norman for instance.' 'Norman!' exclaimed Queen Phoebe. 'He's...he's like a son to me. A great big elephant son wh at eats buns and is cheap to employ!' 'Although you did sack him,' pointed out Norma. 'I gave him his freedom!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Go out! I said, go out into the world and make your fortune!' But you...

'And you're sure it was her?' asked Lefty. Hooky tapped once. 'It couldn't be!' bleated Flossie. Hooky tapped four times. 'Well maybe it could be then!' conceded Flossie. 'How tall was she?' asked Lefty. Hooky tapped seven times. 'And how wide was she?' asked Lefty. Hooky tapped seven times. 'She could do with loosing a few pounds,' remarked Lefty. 'It's all the banquets,' said Flossie. 'Now,' asked Lefty, 'how regal was she?' Hooky tapped three hundred and thirty seven times. 'How regal?' exclaimed Flossie. And Hooky tapped three hundred and thirty seven times.....again. 'It must be her!' said Flossie. 'And she won't be alone,' added Lefty. 'Right ! ' said Flossie . ' T here's no time to lose. W e'll have to move quickly.' 'Not sure we can,' replied Lefty. 'Why not?' asked Flossie. And Lefty...

'But One was perfectly alright!' explained Queen Phoebe. 'Er?' replied Norma. 'One was disguised and everything.' 'It's just...' said Norma, 'we were worried about you, that's all.' 'Most kind I'm sure,' replied Queen Phoebe, 'but One don't spend years being a royal personage without learning how to look after One.' 'Possibly,' said Norma, 'but we do feel sort of responsible for you. 'No need!' 'And what would King Otto think if he knew you were wandering about a pirate jamboree?' 'He'd say, smile, smile my dear and be regal and if they get too close punch 'em on the nose!' 'Really?' asked Norma. 'Indeed!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'He's full of useful advice like that. It's why everyone loves 'im so.' 'Still,' said Norma, 'think of how it would look if it got in the press, 'Queenie brawls with pirat...

Could you please just stand still for a moment!' demanded Bertha. 'I'm trying! I'm trying!' said Horace. 'This isn't easy you know!' 'And it's not easy to see off into the distance if you're being wobbled about!' replied Bertha. 'I think we're all finding the circumstances a little tricky,' added Norma. 'Any sign of her?' asked Captain Bill. 'No!' said Bertha and Norma. 'Is that her over there?' mooed Annie. Slowly everyone turned to see. 'It's a giraffe!!!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'You can clearly see it's a giraffe! It's a giraffe!' 'I thought perhaps she'd put her hair up!' replied Annie. 'Hopeless!' said Captain Bill. 'Absolutely hopeless!' 'Perhaps we need to go on a bit further?' suggested Norma. 'I'm not sure I can,' replied Captain Bill. 'Nor me!' said Horace. 'Just a bit,' ...

'But Cyril says he's not sure now who he sold it to so there's little chance of Captain Bill getting it back,' said Norma. 'It's only a piece of furniture,' replied Horace, 'it's not as if it were a poem or anything.' 'I thought you might say something like that,' said Norma. 'So...as we're now talking about poetry, how's it going?' 'It's OK,' replied Horace. 'And Queen Phoebe?' 'We argued for a while over finding something to rhyme with dead. She suggested brown bread but it really didn't fit the mood of the work.' 'Hmm,' replied Norma, 'I can see where you're coming from.' 'The problem is she's very used to getting her own way.' 'I suppose when you're a queen it must get like that?' 'In the end we decided that we'd produce two different versions.' 'Well compromise is best if you cam manage it,' replied N...

'They'll undoubtedly have formed a plan for disposing of Queen Phoebe's crown,' said Bertha, 'and if Norma and my expectations are correct it'll be a plan of such detailed complexity that we'll have little chance of penetrating through its many fiendish layers.' 'But even so,' added Norma, 'we feel we still have to try.' 'Well there's nothing like talking us up!' replied Captain Bill. 'It's trying to understand the criminal mind that will be crucial,' added Bertha. 'And we still don't know where Cyril's gone to?' asked Captain Bill. 'For such a large bovine he's surprisingly adept at hiding in the shadows,' replied Norma. 'I think our best approach will be to start without him and to look around and see what we can see.' 'We'll have to go across the site with a fine tooth comb,' observed Bertha. Annie raised a hoof. 'Not a real one!' mooed C...

'Oh, that's nice,' mooed Norma, 'you've put an extra Not North on it!' 'I thought she deserved it,' replied Bertha. 'It'll annoy Captain Bill,' added Norma. 'I thought he deserved it,' replied Bertha. 'Mmm,' said Norma, 'well so much for my efforts to keep the peace.' 'I just like to give him something to keep him occupied,' explained Bertha. 'He'd get bored otherwise.' 'Really?' said Norma. 'I like to think so,' replied Bertha. 'Hmm,' said Norma. 'So do you think Queen Phoebe will understand how to use it?' 'About as well as our brave captain does,' replied Bertha. 'Norma was just about to make an observation about Captain Bill's bravery when she was distracted by the unexpected arrival of Horace. 'Hello!' he said. 'Afternoon,' said Norma and Bertha. 'Shouldn't you...shouldn't you be steering?...

'And then I turn the twirly whirly and the ship goes in a different direction,' said Horace. 'You see Captain Whatsisname made it out to be all so difficult,' replied Queen Phoebe, 'and yet from what you're saying it's as easy as easy could be!' 'Well there may be rather more to it than that,' said Horace, 'I'm not really all that interested in it to be honest.' 'No, I'm sure you've understood it completely,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'You know when you're not reading poetry you're actually not that boring to have around.' 'Er........thanks!' said Horace. 'Now I notice that ship over there is going faster than us so we'll need to speed up.' 'Erm...right,' said Horace, 'I'm not sure I can do that with the twirly whirly? It might be better to ask Norma or Bertha.' 'She's the shouty one?' asked Queen Phoebe. 'Indeed,' replied Horace...

'But she does know?' asked Captain Bill. 'She knows it wasn't my fault?' 'I think you made that perfectly clear to her,' replied Norma. 'Good, good!' said Captain Bill. 'I just didn't want there to be any doubts.' 'She's not mentioned it to be honest,' replied Norma, 'I think she's starting to miss King Otto.' 'Well I told her not to come!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Perhaps you did but she's here now and I think we should just do our best to look after her,' replied Norma. 'So I see,' said Captain Bill, '....are those...are those cushions from my cabin?' 'I didn't have enough of my own,' replied Norma. 'And that's my fan!' 'She's a bit hot.' 'So that makes it OK to just help yourself to my stuff?' asked Captain Bill. 'She is a Queen,' replied Norma, 'she's used to a certain standard of living, we may a...

'...which was why it proved trickier than I imagined,' concluded Captain Bill. 'Right!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'And so to sum up,' continued Captain Bill, 'it clearly wasn't my fault.' 'OK!'  said Queen Phoebe. 'And it's also why,' pursued Captain Bill, 'in my opinion, all harbours would be better off having at least two exits...or maybe three...or four.' 'Perhaps I'll have a word with someone when I get back?' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Excellent idea!' said Captain Bill, 'and err.....the stones?' 'Keep them,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Most generous!' said Captain Bill. 'Not sure we've got much use for them though...perhaps Bertha could sculpt something with them? Incidentally it goes without saying that if Bertha had been doing her job as I asked her to none of this would have happened.' 'I HEARD THAT!' mooed Bertha. 'Although the main res...

'And so,' said Norma, 'as we always expected,' and here Norma crossed her hooves, 'Annie's idea has yielded the vital information that we were searching for.' 'One is most relieved to hear it!' replied Queen Phoebe. ''Which means we can  move confidently, 'and here Norma crossed another couple of hooves, 'into what we're calling 'phase finally getting on with it'.' 'About bloomin' time!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Indeed!' said Norma, 'and even as we speak a crack team, 'and here Norma tried to cross yet more hooves and came perilously close to falling over, 'are preparing the good ship Pickled Heifer for an intense period of voyaging to hostile shores to recover your Queeninesses's crown.' 'Yipp,' replied Queen Phoebe, 'eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Now how long is it likely to take?' 'Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllll,' said Norma, 'I've...