Cow Island

'I've said I'm sorry,' Norma sighed, 'but I can't take the hat boxes and I'm not leaving the hat behind. Everyone else has been rescued and so it's just us few left to transfer over.' Horace stared out to sea. 'You can take it off as soon as we get to Camille's ship,' Norma added. 'Will that take long?' 'Well, that depends on how quickly we get there. It would be a help if you offered to do some of the rowing.' But I'm a poet!' 'I don't think that actually debars you from being able to use an oar.' 'I'm holding both the bags.' Norma stopped rowing. 'Is there a problem?' Horace asked. 'I just need to catch my breath,' Norma replied. '...................................But it will take longer to get there,' said Horace and he pointed at the hat he was wearing. 'Sometimes!' 'Pardon?' 'Nothing,' said Norma and she sta...

'You are supposed to throw the cox in!' said Captain Bill. 'But she enjoys it!' replied Bertha. 'NO FUN!' mooed Norma in slightly too load a voice and then, to emphasize the point, she shook her head so much that she almost keeled over. 'And anyway,' added Bertha, 'you are not to be a grump!' 'NO GRUMPING!' mooed Norma and she shook her head again. 'No!' said Bertha. 'Because,' continued Norma, 'because............what are we talking about? Oh yes! Because we have won back the Mickled Peifer! Me and Bertha and Horace and...Annie and.......Geraldamin...who is a Pengi...mingy, Pengming, Pengimingymoooooooooo!.....knew I'd get it right in the end!' and so saying she fell over, slid down the bank and landed in the river next to Captain Bill. 'It's going to be like this for hours yet isn't it?' said Captain Bill 'Mooooooooooooooooooooo!' said Annie from inside the trophy by way of confirm...

Cyril and Captain Bill pushed their way through the crowds until they came to the river bank. All along its length for as far as the eye could see, there were people. Tall, short, fat, thin, all stood waiting and watching. 'There they are!' said Captain Bill and he pointed with his tail. Off in the distance they could just make out two boats sat low in the water and behind them another boat, the Steward's launch. And it was from the bow of the Steward's launch that a man rose slowly to his feet. A portly man with a red flag in his hands. 'Team Cow Island,' he began, 'Team Queen Jasmine, when I see that you are both straight and ready, I will start you thus... tension... go! Please ready yourselves.' And the man raised the flag above his head. 'Tension!' he said. 'They've gone!' called out Horace. 'What?' mooed Bertha. 'They didn't wait!' replied Horace and indeed it was true. Queen Jasmine's team hadn't wai...

'...And so sweet victory is ours assured After where we stuck our brassica!' In complete silence, Captain Bill folded the piece of paper with his poem on and placed it in the hat band of his boater. 'So is it time for our photo now?' whispered Annie. 'YES!' replied Norma, Bertha and Horace at the same time and, together with Geraldine, they turned and hurried off towards the river. 'See that?' said Captain Bill to Cyril as they watched the others herding off into the distance. 'They were too affected to speak!' 'One could hardly blame them,' replied Cyril and he and Captain Bill followed on behind the others. When they eventually caught them up they found the crew standing ready before the photographer. A rather overdressed man who was adjusting things under a black sheet. 'Right,' he said, 'all ready?' and the team nodded. There was a pause and then a flash and a bang. 'All done!' said the man and he handed Bertha...

It's Thursday! He's here! And you can barely contain yourselves! Itttt'sssssssssss CYRILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL (masses of applause, a child with a tear in it's eye and a swoon of young maidens) Morning Chums! Have you missed me? Silly question, of course! Now you'll find this difficult to believe (no you will, young Cyril can read you like a book) but the authorities are trying to stop me from helping out! ME!.............ME! ME! Have I done something wrong? Have I transgressed? Really, you make one mistake these days and they're all over you. So I'm restricted to just one little item... but fear not! (no really, knot that fear and throw it in a sack) for young Cyril is quite sure that his fellow shipmates are now fully trained and shall see themselves through to a weekend victory! I shall be there to cheer them on! Until then, Your innocent pal, Cyril

'CALL IT OFF!' exclaimed Queen Phoebe. 'Well you could if you wanted to,' replied Captain Bill. 'But you can't go having a Grand Royal Rowing Type Regatta and then not have a final race!' said Queen Phoebe. 'But there's not going to be a race anyway,' replied Captain Bill, 'not with Queen Jasmine's lot. They don't race people, they just hit them until they give in! It'll be sheer carnage - and what's more it's cheating and if there's one thing I can't stand it's cheating!' Queen Phoebe looked at Captain Bill. 'Well in that case,' she said, 'perhaps I'd better have a word with Cyril?' 'That's different,' replied Captain Bill, 'that's gamesmanship! He just offered a little assistance in his own unique way... he can't help it if he's not well up on the finer points of the rules.' 'Well it doesn't matter anyway,' said Queen Phoebe, 'there has t...

'Orrible!' mooed Captain Bill, 'absolutely horrible!' 'You're sure you didn't antagonalise them?' asked Bertha. 'Only by breathing,' replied Captain Bill, 'and I've a feeling they would have been happy to sort that out given half a chance! Huge they were! Six foot tall and as wide, knuckles scraping along the ground... and that was just the cox!' Captain Bill, Norma and Bertha were standing on the river bank bathed in some early morning Sun. Under the circumstances, the Sun had waived all fees. 'I mean,' continued Captain Bill, 'look what they did to me best jacket!' 'We could get it dry cleaned for you?' offered Bertha. 'I think it might be a bit beyond that!' snapped Captain Bill, 'and I lost me best boater.' 'Sorry,' said Norma. And for a while Norma and Bertha stood quietly by while Captain Bill huffed. 'We know it wasn't easy,' said Norma eventually, 'but the importa...

Really? Well, well, well... and do they actually rotate in the water? Really?! Well, well, well, it never even occurred to me but now you point it out I can see that it must have its advantages and I suppose if the odd fish gets impaled on the end it's just a bonus! Sorry? No, well maybe a bit later on, I prefer to take a dip towards the end of the day but thanks for the offer. It's seldom that one meets young ladies who are so willing to help out. Hmm? Oh, it's nothing really, you keep it, it was only an old hat... must be at least two weeks since I bought it and it looks so good there... up the end of your pole. And that one, no the one to the left of it... well in between that one and the big one on the right... the one shaped a bit like a giraffe playing a banjo. Really! Well I never thought that scars could be so interesting a subject. One could spend all day talking about them - especially when you've got as many as you have. No, you'd need to ask one of my la...

Afternoon all, Captain Bill here; glad to be back with you once again. Now of course, as you will no doubt have guessed, I was all in favour of rushing off to take a look at the other team. But then I thought, hang on a moment, wouldn't it be better if I delayed things for a day or two and allowed our chaps and chapesses to get in a bit more practise?! Perhaps even a week, two weeks, a month?! Sometimes a Captain has to put the crew first and leave aside his own desire to tackle the opposition head on! So I've spent the last couple of days sorting out a few personal details, you know the sort of thing: choice of coffin, who to leave the rope museum to, letters to be opened after the event etc, etc. Still things move on... ...would anyone else like to go? I wouldn't mind... they're nice people; you'd have a wonderful time... don't hesitate to get in touch... Bye, Captain Bill

Captain Bill took the pole and punted gently on down the river. Drenched in the warmth of a July sun, Norma and Bertha sat talking quietly between themselves. 'Ah!' said Captain Bill, 'this is the life!' 'Yes,' replied Bertha, 'but we do need to talk to you about the final of the Regatta.' 'Of course, of course,' said Captain Bill, 'you know I'd almost forgotten about it.' 'Well it's still going to happen,' said Bertha, 'and each must play their part.' 'There's going to be even more need for good research this time,' added Norma. 'I suppose you'll want to be doing that yourselves,' replied Captain Bill, 'or getting Cyril or Horace... or Geraldine to do it for you?' 'Well actually,' said Bertha, 'we thought you might like to, given who we face in the final.' 'Who do we face?' asked Captain Bill, 'in all the excitment I've forgotten to see who it is....

Hello everyone, Norma here, sorry for being a little late in doing my blog today but there's so much going on! The biggest thing of course is that we're through to the final of King Otto's Regatta. That means we only have to win one more race and we get our lovely ship back. We don't know who we're going to be racing yet but I'm sure that with all the hard work we're doing we can win! And what a lot of hard work it is! Bertha and I have decided that we need to go all out to get ourselves as fit as we can. That means no more cakes until AFTER '3rd dinner'! At least not the really fattening ones - small bite sized cakes are still allowed. Add to that our intensive rowing training and I think we can have a great team. Well I must get on, I don't want to be letting the side down. Enjoy the rest of your weekend, Norma

'Well I have to take my hat off to them,' said Captain Bill. 'Mwy agwee,' said Cyril. 'Did you see the bow wave they caused?' continued Captain Bill. 'It was huge! I'm completely soaked!' 'Muk me bwy swuprise,' replied Cyril. 'Sorry?' said Captain Bill. 'Took me by surprise,' said Cyril, who finally removed the snorkel he was wearing. 'I mean, ' said Captain Bill, 'I must be honest, when I saw the other lot I didn't think we stood a chance, but our crew fairly motored down the course!' 'Dedication!' replied Cyril. 'They must have been doing 25 knots at one point!' said Captain Bill. 'Did you see Horace trying to hold on?' 'Dedication,' replied Cyril. 'They didn't even stop when they got to the finish, just kept on going... they could be out at sea by now.' said Captain Bill. 'Dedication,' replied Cyril. 'You know I wouldn't be at all surprised if t...

It's Thursday! You've missed him! (no you have, Cyril knows more about you than you could possibly imagine). But now he's back... Iiiiiiittttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt'ssssssssssssss Cyrillllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll!!!!! Morning Chums! Now I'm not saying our team hasn't improved. Indeed they get better with every passing day. But I can't help suspecting that one or two members have become a bit... well, distracted. So for that reason and that reason alone, young Cyril has decided to lend a hoof to help our merry band of rowers through to the finals. Now you know me (you do, some of you even have my picture hanging on your very walls), I'm not the sort of bovine who'd do anything underhoof but underwater is a different thing entirely! So take a tip for your old pal and nip down the betting shop and have a monkey on Team Cow... it's a cert!* Your Pal, Cyril *All monies placed at your own risk, no refunds, other teams are available, picture...

Talk amongst yourselves... Thank you. Norma

Captain Bill sat quietly by the river bank, the warm summer sun playing across his face, only his tail providing the gentlest of breezes. 'They've drawn it!' said Bertha as she rushed up to him. 'The semi final line up,' added Norma who was with her. 'And?' asked Captain Bill. 'We've been drawn against the 'Incredibly Fit Young Men's Rowing Club,' said Bertha. Captain Bill thought for a while. 'We'll have to do some research on them,' he said. 'Agreed,' replied Bertha. 'Of course,' added Norma. 'Best not to send Cyril again,' said Captain Bill, 'I'll go this time.' 'Yes...,' said Bertha. '....That's what we thought,' added Norma. '...At first,' continued Bertha, 'but then it occurred to us that, with them being so young, that they might feel intimidated by you.' And Captain Bill agreed that this might well be possible. 'So we thought, maybe we should g...

Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (don't forget that fresh summer 'o's are now available in your local grocery store)! It's Annie here. I have to say that I'm really enjoying this regatta rowing up and down thing. As you may know, on Saturday we had a race against... somebody else, forget who? Well it went so well that the other team decided to stop for a swim half way through! I liked the idea of this but Norma (my best friend) said that I should stay in our boat so I did... and then we won!!! Frankly that's more excitment than most people could stand and I was a bit worried that my horns might fall off... but they didn't. Anyway we spent all of yesterday doing more rowing so that we get even better at it and so Bertha and Norma have decided that we can all have a day off. So Geraldine and I are going for a walk. Well I'm going for a walk and Geraldine is going for a carry. I think this is because she has short legs and big feet (bit of a design fault i...

'RIVER ANTELOPE?!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Freshwater river antelope,' corrected Cyril. 'Really?' said Captain Bill. 'Clear case,' replied Cyril, 'once you get an infestation of them in a boat anything can happen.' Captain Bill looked at Cyril and then herded a bit closer to him. 'And how exactly do they 'infest'?' he asked. 'They burrow,' replied a very straight faced Cyril. 'Burrow!' said Captain Bill, 'burrow!' 'Yep,' replied Cyril. Captain Bill moved a bit closer. 'And you're seriously suggesting that that's why the opposition's boat snapped clean in two halfway through the race?' 'Obvious,' replied Cyril. Captain Bill was now very close to Cyril. 'I could see the saw marks from here,' he hissed. 'Evolution,' replied Cyril. 'EVOLUTION!!' shouted Captain Bill. 'Mmm,' replied Cyril, 'what with the harsh reality of a daily struggle of lif...

'Well I did eat quite a few nibbles,' said Cyril , 'but only so that I blended in.' 'So you were successful?' asked Captain Bill. 'I'd like to think so,' replied Cyril, 'I managed 3 platters before I'd even got a drink. You see, young Cyril doesn't like to let his chums down.' And here Norma and Captain Bill looked at Cyril in a very direct way. 'So how long were you with them?' asked Norma. 'About 8 hours,' replied Cyril, 'I'm not sure that I might not keep up the membership, they did a very nice line in cocktails.' 'And you got to talk to them?' asked Captain Bill. 'Oh, we never stopped, ' replied Cyril. 'So what were they talking about?' asked Norma. 'You know,' replied Cyril, '...I've not the slightest idea!' 'Not the slightest idea?!?' mooed Captain Bill. 'Mmmm,' said Cyril, 'it seemed to make sense at the time but now I think back on it.....

It's Thursday! He's here! ...and he's blending in nicely with his new friends... Iiiiiitttttt'ssssssssssssss CYRILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!! (A chink of glasses, a whiff of cigar smoke and a well polished medal or two.) Morning Chums, Pip, pip, wizard prang, roger charlie tango 4, canapes above and behind you, I'm turning now, tally ho, tally ho! ...beating them by a canvas, opened it up to 36 a minute, won easily! ...Binky Whithershanks, tiny fella, used to be something huge in the city ...a bridge I think or something like that. Stay close to me red leader... Breakfast! ...Breakfast gone!? ...poor, poor breakfast. Squadron Leader Sir Cyril Plumpton Comfy VAT and Nibbles

'Who?' asked Captain Bill. 'The Frightfully Decent Old Boys Rowing Club,' replied Norma. 'Right,' said Captain Bill. 'Norma and I have already done some research on them,' said Bertha. 'And?' asked Captain Bill. 'They're frightfully decent,' replied Norma. 'And they're old boys,' added Bertha. 'Interesting,' said Captain Bill, 'I think I can see a pattern emerging.' "Norma and I still don't think that's enough though,' continued Bertha, 'we think we should try to find out some more about them.' 'Agreed,' agreed Captain Bill, 'so what you're suggesting is that I disguise myself and slip into the enemy ranks to try to discover any weaknesses.' 'Well actually,' said Norma, 'we still see you in more of a managerial role... so we've asked someone else to check them out for us.' 'Someone with a bit more experience at that sort of thing,' add...