Cow Island

'Ah!' Captain Bill said. 'The problem, if you don't mind me saying, is that when I said turn left you turned right.' 'But you said hard a starboard,' Horace replied. 'Precisely!' Captain Bill mooed. 'Now, I'm not blaming you, although it was your fault, but it's these kind of elementary errors that lead to us getting lost.' 'But..' Horace began. 'The thing is,' Captain Bill continued, 'how do we find out where we now are?' 'But..' Horace began. 'This way!' Captain Bill interrupted. 'Follow me!' and he herded off to the side of the ship. 'The wheel?' Horace said. 'No need to bring it with you,' Captain Bill replied. 'Leave it there.' So Horace abandoned the wheel and joined Captain Bill. 'Now,' Captain Bill said, 'strictly speaking I shouldn't be telling you this, bit of a Captain's secret, but it won't hurt, so what w...

'You pushed me!' Captain Bill gasped. 'No,' Bertha replied, 'it was more of a shove.' 'I could have drowned!' 'Mmm,' Bertha said and she allowed herself a moment of quiet contemplation. 'You don't care do you? I could have drowned and it means nothing to you. Nothing at all!' 'You weren't going to drown,' Bertha replied. 'The water wasn't deep enough. I should have waited until we were further out....my error...you live and learn.' 'And you didn't help me get back on.' 'Norman had the situation under control, although I do wonder why, what with you flicking at his ears.' 'It was mutiny!................Again!' 'I'm not sure that you can mutiny when on an elephant, you'll need to check.' 'I will be. You can be sure of that.' 'Well,' Bertha said, 'I'll leave you to do so, I'm off for a scout around.' 'Fine!...

'I've said I'm sorry,' Norma sighed, 'but I can't take the hat boxes and I'm not leaving the hat behind. Everyone else has been rescued and so it's just us few left to transfer over.' Horace stared out to sea. 'You can take it off as soon as we get to Camille's ship,' Norma added. 'Will that take long?' 'Well, that depends on how quickly we get there. It would be a help if you offered to do some of the rowing.' But I'm a poet!' 'I don't think that actually debars you from being able to use an oar.' 'I'm holding both the bags.' Norma stopped rowing. 'Is there a problem?' Horace asked. 'I just need to catch my breath,' Norma replied. '...................................But it will take longer to get there,' said Horace and he pointed at the hat he was wearing. 'Sometimes!' 'Pardon?' 'Nothing,' said Norma and she sta...

'Ah! Bonjour!' Norma mooed. 'Exactement!' Camille replied. 'Now, I am supposing that in myself and ma little students finding you 'ere, that you are already deeply involved in some tres bizarre but sadly poorly plotted adventure?' 'Cow Island has gone missing,' said Norma. 'Then I am awarding myself a tick and a big gold star!'  'I'm afraid we need rescuing.' 'Indeed!' Camille replied. 'I thought as much. We were 'appily sailing along when young Jean Claude 'ere spotted your sign calling for pleh.' 'You mean help? 'It all depends from which direction you are approaching.' 'I suppose it does,' said Norma. 'But I'm so glad that it was you who saw it.' 'And so we are once again all together like some embarrassing dysfunctional family,' Camille replied. 'And I must immediately say that the welcome, fine though it was, thank you Monsieur Cyril and ...

Bertha made her point with authority. 'I just think we have to face up to a few things,' she said. 'Well,' Captain Bill began. 'Sadly, I agree,' Norma replied. 'Whatever's happened to Cow Island I don't think we're likely to be seeing it again any time soon.' 'We need to move into survival mode,' Bertha added. 'We won't be able to stay here indefinitely. I've estimated that we'll run out of supplies by the middle of next week.' 'And,' Captain Bill began. 'We can't swim to safety,' said Norma, 'and we don't have the materials to construct even so much as a raft.' 'I,' Captain Bill began. 'We need to attract the attention of a passing ship,' Bertha suggested. 'If,' Captain Bill began. 'That won't be easy,' Norma replied. 'Could?' 'Clearly we'll be difficult to spot as we're so low down,' Bertha said. ...

'Idiot!' shouted Captain Bill. 'I clearly indicated that we were turning to starboliarboliboard!' 'We turned to port,' mooed Norma. 'Did we?' said Captain Bill. 'Well anyway, they should have been looking where they were going. We clearly had right of way.' 'Perhaps we could turn back and help them?' suggested Norma. 'You must be joking!' replied Captain Bill. 'Besides the water's not very deep by the look of it. I doubt they'll sink....very far.' 'HARBOUR APPROACHING!' called out Bertha. 'Right,' said Captain Bill, 'do you think I should take control of the twirly thing?' 'Geraldine does seem to be coping,' replied Norma. 'Hmm,' you're probably right,' said Captain Bill. 'I shouldn't get myself lost in the minor details. A captain needs to maintain a wider view.' 'I think that would be wise,' replied Norma. 'But if anyt...

'It does have a crossword puzzle.' 'That's not the same thing at all!' replied Horace. 'That's what I said,' agreed Norma. 'But he's so keen about it and I'd pay for it for you.' 'How can anyone be keen about something that isn't poetry?' said Horace. 'Well not everybody's life revolves around poetry,' replied Norma. And Horace was silent for a while. 'I think I might try to get a little closer to the edge,' he said eventually. 'If you must,' sighed Norma. 'And while I think of it what happened to the hat and scarf that I knitted for you for Christmas?' 'They made me feel all warm and snuggly,' relied Horace. 'That was the whole point of giving them to you!' mooed Norma. 'I know!' replied Horace. 'I couldn't possibly write anything while I was wearing them. By the way do you think there's a chance this edge could collapse?' ...

'Oh, that's nice,' mooed Norma, 'you've put an extra Not North on it!' 'I thought she deserved it,' replied Bertha. 'It'll annoy Captain Bill,' added Norma. 'I thought he deserved it,' replied Bertha. 'Mmm,' said Norma, 'well so much for my efforts to keep the peace.' 'I just like to give him something to keep him occupied,' explained Bertha. 'He'd get bored otherwise.' 'Really?' said Norma. 'I like to think so,' replied Bertha. 'Hmm,' said Norma. 'So do you think Queen Phoebe will understand how to use it?' 'About as well as our brave captain does,' replied Bertha. 'Norma was just about to make an observation about Captain Bill's bravery when she was distracted by the unexpected arrival of Horace. 'Hello!' he said. 'Afternoon,' said Norma and Bertha. 'Shouldn't you...shouldn't you be steering?...

'Port!' mooed Captain Bill, 'Port! Port! PORT!' 'But that is port!' shouted Horace. 'Is it?' asked Captain Bill. 'What month is it?' 'Does that make any difference?' asked Horace. 'Of course it does!' replied Captain Bill. 'Or does it? Where's Norma?' 'I think she's with Queen Phoebe?' 'Typical!' replied Captain Bill. 'Now.....slightly starboilarboilboard...bit more...bit more....noooowwwww steady.....steady....port! Port man! PORT! LEFT! RIGHT! UP! DOWN! LEFT!' 'But I don't think I can make it go up and down,' said Horace, 'not with the twirly whirly.' 'It's called a wheel!' mooed Captain Bill. 'I don't think I care,' replied Horace, 'I still can't make the ship go up...or down for that matter.' 'Always excuses!' called out Captain Bill. 'Ah! Wait! Wait! Port...no starboiliarboli...no port...no...no.....

No!' mooed Captain Bill, 'No! No! No! No! No!' 'Is that to going to the pirate jamboree or to Queen Phoebe coming with us?' asked Norma. 'All of it!' replied Captain Bill. 'But we've already talked to you about going to the pirate jamboree and you agreed that we could!' 'I've changed my mind,' replied Captain Bill, 'it would be wrong of me, as your captain, to let you place your lives...and mine...in danger.' 'But we all want to go,' pointed out Norma, 'and we've all said so...and we've taken a vote...and signed a form...and then taken a 2nd vote.' 'But as it clearly needs pointing out,' replied Captain Bill, 'this is not a democracy! We have a leader and so these decisions are mine and mine alone.' 'But you voted to go as well,' said Norma. '..........................................................................................I misunderstood the questi...

'It's not actually addressed to anyone,' pointed out Captain Bill, 'it just says 'to whom it may concern'.' 'But the post haddock clearly gave it to you,' said Bertha. 'I was just closest,' replied Captain Bill. 'So are you going to open it?' asked Norma. 'I see no need to rush at it,' replied Captain Bill. 'You're always like this with letters,' continued Norma. 'If by that you mean that I take my time to consider things...then I'd happily agree,' replied Captain Bill. 'Well someone needs to open it!' mooed Bertha. So everyone stood and looked at the envelope. 'Well then?' asked Norma. 'It's not actually addressed to anyone,' repeated Captain Bill. 'Oh, give it here!' said Bertha and with the flick of her horn the envelope was open. From inside she drew out a single thick neatly typed piece of card. 'What does it say?' asked Norm...

'It is NOT a pirate costume!' continued Captain Bill. 'It is simply proper bathing attire.' 'That just happens to make you look like a pirate,' replied Bertha. 'It does a bit,' agreed Norma. 'I suspect it creates an air of sophistication that you two would find difficult to comprehend!' replied Captain Bill. 'Still makes you look like a pirate,' said Bertha. 'I shall ignore you,' replied Captain Bill. And he did. 'Sorry,' said Bertha after a while. 'Accepted,' replied Captain Bill. 'So...' continued Bertha, 'if I asked really nicely....would you....would you say 'yo ho ho'?' Captain Bill turned to Norma. 'Could you,' he asked, 'kindly inform your friend that I am one step away from abandoning this whole affair and that her contribution is not helping.' 'I will,' replied Norma, '.....................................although if you are...

'But it's a higher tariff,' explained Bertha, 'because it's quite a tricky dive.' 'Is this going to go on for much longer?' asked Captain Bill. 'Oh don't be such a spoil sport!' replied Norma. So Geraldine did her dive and everyone applauded. 'I have to say she looks very at home in the water,' added Norma. 'She's a penguin!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'Of course she's going to look at home in the water! She's a penguin, it's where they live!' 'Just saying,' replied Norma. 'This is ridiculous!' continued Captain Bill. 'We've only been here for half an hour,' said Bertha. 'And for how long are we required to remain?' asked Captain Bill, 'or didn't Ms Nutter specify?' 'You're only saying that...' called out Annie but the rest of her words were drowned out by Geraldine taking another dive. 'It's almost as if she were ...

'Let me start,' began  Captain Bill, 'by pointing out that I already know the answer to this and am only asking so as to achieve maximum sarcastic impact, but just how much time have we spent on this 'think' business?' '.............................................a while,' replied Norma. 'Exactly?' asked Captain Bill. '.........................Not sure when we started really,' replied Norma. 'Hmmm,' said Captain Bill, 'and at the end of it, at the end of this long, long awful drawn out process...what are we left with?' 'She did risk her life for this,' pointed out Norma. 'I'm tempted to wonder if we got the right result?' mused Captain Bill. 'That's not nice,' mooed Norma, 'you're still her captain. You should be supportive even if it's not quite turned out as we expected.' 'Some people,' replied Captain Bill, 'are easier to support than others...

'And of course the best thing about them is that they're not covered by any major employment laws.' 'Really?' mooed Annie, 'I never realised that fish could be so interesting! Thanks for the ice creams by the way,' she added. 'Pleasure!' replied Cyril, 'I don't know where the little man has got to with the others? He should have been here by now!' 'I always think that an ice cream isn't a proper ice cream unless you eat a dozen of them at a time.' remarked Annie. Depends,' replied Cyril, 'I suppose if you were in a hurry and didn't have much time to spare then a dozen might suffice.' 'Norma says too much ice cream is bad for you.' 'I suspect Norma's information is faulty,' replied Cyril, 'it often is.' 'But she's very kind,' added Annie. 'Mmmmm,' said Cyril. 'So shall we start looking for Queen Phoebe's legs?' 'Crown,' c...

'Brrrrr,' mooed Norma, 'I'm not going to stay in here very long, I've completely lost contact with my hooves.' 'Is that them over there?' asked Annie and she pointed with her tail at something in the distance. 'I don't think so,' replied Norma, 'but I'm not sure I'd know if they were. The water's far too cold to be aware of very much at all.' 'That would explain why the shrimps are still wearing hats and coats,' said Annie. 'I suppose it would,' replied Norma. 'You would have thought they'd have got a few fires installed by now,' said Annie. 'Might be a bit difficult,' replied Norma, 'what with them being underwater.' 'I think I'd quite like to live underwater,' said Annie, 'then you could have a drink whenever you wanted to.' 'It would be an advantage,' replied Norma. 'Perhaps I should talk to Geraldine about it?' said Annie. 'Perhaps you ...

Right, hello, Bertha speaking, I'm up here in the balloon, you might just be able to see me? I have to say it's a very nice balloon, these pirates have a real sense of design and build quality. Anyway where doing our best to go as fast as possible...bit difficult in a balloon....which means the pirate sheep are catching us up! Now I'm all for turning around and taking them on...which as Norma pointed out is also a bit difficult to do when you're in a balloon. But rest assured if it comes to a fight I'll be there! Thankfully Camille's little students are as brave a herd as one could wish for and we'll be fully able to count on them as well. Just so long as it doesn't coincide with their nap time. I can also report that the Mootilus is on her way, trailing in 3rd place but with a sail up and going in the right direction...I'll leave you to decide what help that might be!!! Well what ever happens now, we'll give a good account of ourse...

'OK,' conceded Captain Bill, 'this is slightly more snow than I had expected.' 'I think this is a part of the ship!' said Horace and everyone went to have a look. 'Hmm, it could be,' said Norma, but it turned out to be a bit of Cyril. 'I can't help feeling that we've sort of arrived somewhere,' said Captain Bill,'it's just a sort of instinctive feeling that only comes from years of being a top class captain.' 'That feeling wouldn't have anything to do with that hut over there in the distance then?' asked Bertha. 'Possibly!' said Captain Bill. 'Best go and have a look at it then,' said Bertha and she headed off towards it. 'Excellent!' called out Captain Bill,'you go and have a quick look and I'll stay here and keep an eye on things!' Bertha turned and gave Captain Bill a 'look'. 'Or maybe I'll come along as well?' said Captain Bill,'I could do with a walk!...