Cow Island

'Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen.....and three thirds,' Captain Bill counted. 'Doesn't that come to sixteen?' Horace asked. '.............................................................................................That would be an easy mistake to make,' Captain Bill replied. 'Right, that's all of them.' 'So what now?' 'Errrrrrrrrrrr....welll..........I have to do the....analysis.' 'That sounds complicated,' said Horace. 'Oh horribly so! Could take hours.' 'And they taught you this in Captain School?' 'Oh yes!' Captain Bill replied. 'I think it was on day three? Day one was steering, navigation, things like that. Day two was how to keep your hat on straight and day three was seaweed measuring, when you're stuck on a sand bar....when your island has gone missing. I probably came top of the class, I often did.' 'I just don't understand what use it could be?'...

'It won't take long,' Norma explained. Captain Bill glanced at Norma. 'Look,' Norma continued, 'I'll admit that Horace's 'breakthrough' wasn't quite what I expected it to be but poetry is still, even in out present circumstances, a very worthwhile pursuit.' 'I was inspired by our current situation,' Horace added. 'It's going to be depressing isn't it,' said Captain Bill. 'In his defense not everything that Horace writes is depressing,' Norma replied, 'and I think it would be wrong to prejudge.' 'I can't remember the last time he wrote something with a punchline,' Captain Bill replied. Norma mouthed the words 'just listen' and with a wave of his tail Captain Bill gestured to Horace that he should begin. 'Stranded!' 'Right, must be going,' said Captain Bill. 'But....' Horace mooed. 'Sorry,' Captain Bill replied, 'I wish I...

'And with three different types of seaweed the weather forecasting should be even more accurate than ever,' explained Captain Bill. 'Lovely,' said Norma. 'I made the frame myself,' added Captain Bill. 'I thought you might have,' replied Norma. 'I like to think I can turn my hoof to most things.' 'Mmm,' said Norma, 'it's got a very...rustic quality.' 'I might add a bit of inlay to it if I can find the time and a brass handle to make it easier to carry.' Be careful not to overdo it,' said Norma. 'Now, moving on to other things, I can confirm that Annie's rendition of 'Where have all the breakfasts gone' was both surprisingly tuneful and correct.' Captain Bill sighed. 'So we're going to need to stop off somewhere and replenish.' 'We could try Sneegle and Fitch I suppose?' suggested Captain Bill. 'True,' replied Norma. 'That did occur to me...

'And the green bits again?' 'Islands!' mooed Norma. 'OK!' replied Captain Bill. 'Of course we didn't do much of this at captain school.' 'Which has always surprised me,' said Norma. 'Shouldn't need to,' replied Captain Bill. 'If you trust in your knitted compass and use your instincts a good captain should be able to work out where he is.' 'So where are we?' asked Norma. 'Anyway,' continued Norma, 'perhaps trying to use the maps isn't such a bad idea.' 'Hmm,' replied Captain Bill, 'so what's that!' Norma peered at a mark on the map. 'I think it's a dead fly?' 'But it's enormous!' said Captain Bill. 'It's almost the size of that island!' 'No!' replied Norma, 'no, it's not actually a part of the map, it just happens to be on it.' 'Still,' said Captain Bill, 'best if we try to s...

'But you can't just decide like that!' mooed Bertha. 'I'm Captain,' said Captain Bill. 'Errrrr?' said Horace. 'It's going to depend on Geraldine,' continued Bertha. 'I don't see why,' replied Captain Bill. 'Errrrr?' said Horace. 'Well what happens if she doesn't want to go Not North?' asked Bertha. 'We'd still get there,' replied Captain Bill confidently. 'But you don't know where 'there' is!' exclaimed Bertha. 'Well it'll be somewhere in a Not Northerly direction,' said Captain Bill. 'Errrrr?' said Horace. 'Oh, stop saying that!' said Bertha. 'OK!' replied Horace. 'Anyway,' continued Captain Bill, 'we need to get going. I'd like to get underway while the weather's forecast to stay fine.' 'Is it?' asked Bertha. 'Well the seaweed's dry,' said Captain Bill, 'and what better indication could you ask ...

'Well again, thank you,' said Norma. 'For walking you about for a bit?' asked Horace. 'No,' replied Norma, 'although it's kind of you to do so and it's more than Captain Bill was prepared for. I meant about finding this.' 'It wasn't a problem,' replied Horace. 'I would have been so upset if I'd lost it,' continued Norma, 'it's such a nice hat.' 'I just found it when I was out walking,' replied Horace. 'I think it must have fallen off when I was dancing,' said Norma, 'I think I did quite a bit of dancing.' 'You did,' replied Horace. 'I just wish I hadn't had so much wine!' 'Mmm,' said Horace. 'Sometimes I think I should have someone to look after me,' said Norma. But Horace said nothing and so for a while they walked on in silence...until they met a penguin. 'Oh!' said Norma. 'Geraldine seems to have made something?' 'It's for yo...

'It's just that I thought he should be aiming a little lower than that!' said Captain Bill. 'Oh, now he wants to be involved!' mooed Bertha. 'I'm just making a suggestion!' replied Captain Bill. Captain Bill, Bertha, Norma....actually all of the Cows, were gathered together on the deck of the Pickled Heifer, looking down at where Norman was standing in the water. Norman was equipped with, what Bertha had described as, a Mark IV Thumper. 'Bertha and I are very sure about where the ship needs to be hit,' said Norma, 'we did measure it all out......twice.' 'Hmmmmmmm?' replied Captain Bill. 'AND WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?' bellowed Bertha. But before Captain Bill could reply Norman decided to take matters into his own trunk* and gave the Pickled Heifer a very large thump. The ship jolted, shuddered and then with a bit of a scrapping noise, slid of the rocks and back into the sea. Where is listed rather heavily to one si...

'Which is why,' said Captain Bill, 'even on a flat calm sea, with the wind below 3 knots and everyone on lookout duty, you should never let Annie have a go at steering!' At this point the calves all jotted things down in little notebooks. 'And did it take long for you to get the 'Pickled 'eifer' back out of the library?' asked Camille. 'Oh, a month or two,' replied Captain Bill, 'only a few scratches really!........and a new mast........and a new hull...and decking.' And more notes were made. 'I don't want to bother you too much,' said Camille, 'but ma little student, Jean Claude, he would like to confirm please, when a boat is in fog, should you give, at not more than one minute intervals, audible blasts, once when on a starboliarboliboard tack or twice and only once when on a port tack?' Captain Bill looked back at Camille and then at Jean Claude and then back at Camille. 'I think it depends on what sort of ...

'And therefore,' said Captain Bill, 'by placing the seaweed in our Captain's hat, we not only have a useful indicator of the weather but we also provide ourselves with a tasty snack!' The calves and Camille all gave Captain Bill a round of applause. 'Well I'm thinking that ma little students must be full up to the ends of their tails with all of the knowledge that you have put into them!' said Camille. 'Ma pleasure,' replied Captain Bill and everyone laughed, 'always happy to answer any questions.' And at this, one of the students raised a hoof and spoke to Camille. 'Ma little student, Blanche,' said Camille, 'she would like to know, why is it that 'er knitted compass has 2 'Not North's' marked on it?' 'Ah!,' replied Captain Bill, 'that's because it's only a junior knitted compass. A full Captain's knitted compass,' and here Captain Bill held it up for all to see, 'has, of co...