Cow Island

'I want to make it quite clear that I'm only here because Norma asked me to be.' said Bertha. 'Fine,' replied Captain Bill. 'Just make sure nobody goes off with me hat.' 'I can't imagine anyone wanting it.' 'Well, you'd be surprised then,' continued Captain Bill. 'They're very sought after.' 'In that case, perhaps we could sell it?' replied Bertha. 'For sale, one hat, size 64, would suit idiot.' 'If I wasn't down here!' 'But you are,' mooed Bertha. 'At least you are until we get you out.' 'I can get myself out whenever I want to!' 'No point in us being here then,' said Bertha. 'You are quite a long way down,' trumpeted Norman. 'It's intentional,' replied Captain Bill. 'I thought, while I'm in here, I could see how safe it is.' 'And how safe is it?' asked Norman. '.................................

'Ah!' said Captain Bill. 'I didn't think it would take you long to put in an appearance.' 'I was worried about you,' replied Cyril. 'I said as much to Horace. I must go and see how they are, I said, you follow on when you're ready.' 'And what aspect of us being in a vineyard was causing you particular concern?' asked Captain Bill. 'So many potential hazards,' replied Cyril. 'You could easily catch your hat on a twig.' 'Or slip on a slightly larger than usual grape?' suggested Captain Bill. 'Could happen,' said Cyril. 'Well it'll come as some relief to you then to find that we're all OK.' 'Indeed!' said Cyril. 'Might as well stick around though, now that I'm here. Introduce myself to the locals, whoever they might be?' 'Vinelandianians!' mooed Annie. 'Quite possibly,' agreed Cyril. 'Captain Thingimy has already made friends with ...

'Tears, a river filled and sorrow a thousand valleys deep in the landscape of despair, the end...the end must come.' And with that Horace silently closed the book and placed it on the grass. 'Could I just point out?' began Norma. 'I KNOW!' said Queen Phoebe, 'I asked for him! It's my own fault!' 'And he does take it very seriously,' added Norma. 'Accepted!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'But One has to wonder if it would hurt all that much to just slip in the occasional knock knock joke?' 'Perhaps you could commission him?' suggested Norma. 'Another time,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Would you like another?' asked Horace, 'I could read a serious one if you're in the mood?' Queen Phoebe closed her eyes and Norma took the opportunity to mouth the words, 'Not now, thank you,' to Horace. So how's the Great Crown Rescue plan coming along?' asked Queen Phoebe after a whil...

'Where as if you look closely you'll see that number 3 is ever so slightly more twisty than number 2 which is in itself ever so, ever so slightly more twisty than number 1 which is why it's use aboard ship is restricted to only those jobs which require a very high degree of twistyness,' concluded Captain Bill, '...........you'll have to look closely,' he reminded. Queen Phoebe glanced at the sample in question. 'So,' she asked, 'do you have all of this written down on the back of the board then?' 'Certainly not!' mooed Captain Bill. 'So...so you've actually learnt all this?' 'Indeed!' replied Captain Bill proudly. 'Right,' said Queen Phoebe. 'You can borrow them if you want to?' said Captain Bill. 'Not sure I could cope?' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Well have them for a couple of days and then I could always bring you some more,' suggested Captain Bill. 'You...

'So let me assure you that after a rather unexpected pause we're now completely back on the case,' said Norma. 'Well, One should bloomin' well 'ope so!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'One isn't at all 'appy, let me tell you!' 'We are very sorry,' continued Norma. 'It's not so much the hiding in the woods that hurts,' replied Queen Phoebe, 'but One hasn't had a good knees up for what seems like forever!' 'It must be difficult,' agreed Norma. 'It is!' moaned Queen Phoebe, 'and of course One misses One's hubbie, he's lovely, everybody says so, even the ones what isn't paid to!' 'I do hope you've still been able to see him?' asked Norma. 'Briefly,' replied Queen Phoebe, 'it was 'im what made my little substitute crown. Made it with his own hands he did and a royal personage isn't used to that sort of thing.' 'It's lovely,...