Cow Island

'Well I think it was a rotten thing to have done without warning him,' mooed Norma. 'I was only trying to help Geraldine,' replied Bertha.  'Which was kind,' accepted Norma, 'and I don't blame her for any of this and I would always support anyone who wanted to better themselves...but you must have known the effect it would have.' 'He'll get over it,' replied Bertha, 'but should he decide he doesn't want to be captain anymore.' 'Well he still has my support,' said Norma. 'Despite his...his.' 'Incompetence?' suggested Bertha. 'I wasn't going to put it in quite that way,' replied Norma, 'and in future I think these sort of things should be done in the open so everyone knows what's going on.' 'We weren't the only ones to sign,' said Bertha. 'Geraldine was kind enough to show me a copy of her application form,' replied Norma. 'Annie's si...

'I just thought it would make a nice break from looking at the maps and, while certain people are otherwise engaged with loading, we could have a chat about...getting out of the harbour,' explained Norma. Fine!' replied Captain Bill. 'If you think it's worth it?' 'Well, let's be honest,' continued Norma, 'we have had...well...problems in the past.' 'You mean when Annie fell overboard?' asked Captain Bill. 'That was one,' replied Norma, 'but I was thinking more about those occasions when we've...hit the harbour wall.' 'Remind me,' said Captain Bill. 'Well there was last time for instance and the time before that and the time before that and I recall once when we hit it despite us starting the voyage with the Pickled Heifer already moored on the other side of the island.' 'Point made!' said Captain Bill. 'Which is why I've prepared this little model for us to look a...

'It was a very valid point,' said Norma. 'Oh, I know that!' replied Captain Bill. 'I recognise the point. I fully concede that it was valid.......I just wish that someone else had made it!' 'I should have thought of it I suppose,' sighed Norma. 'I think I just got carried away with the idea of going on an adventure.' 'Still, no need to give up,' replied Captain Bill. 'But if we don't know who to return the chest to or where they live?' 'Ah, but you're forgetting,' said Captain Bill. 'Maps! If you don't know where you're going you use a map!  That was the second thing they taught us at captain school.' 'What was the first?' asked Norma. 'How to keep your hat on straight,' replied Captain Bill. 'So....maps!' 'But,' said Norma, quite slowly, 'we don't know where to take it to.' '..........................Maps!' said Captain Bill....

'Chickens.......Turkeys........Ducks, they can all be connected up to some sort of external power source,' explained Cyril. 'Oh, I never knew,' replied Horace. 'So when Geraldine's finished reading through the brochure have a look yourself and let me know how much you want to invest.' 'I don't really have much spare at the moment. I was thinking about buying some new poetry writing paper.' 'But it would be foolish to miss out,' said Cyril. 'Perhaps I'll think about it after I've recovered.' 'Well,' replied Cyril, 'limited places! I suppose I could make an exception?' 'That's kind,' said Horace, 'and thank you for this as well. Falling off the cliff hurt me more than I first thought.' 'I always seem to survive quite easily,' mooed Annie. 'You're used to it!' said Cyril. 'The trick is to try to avoid the big pointy rocks at the bottom,' a...

'No, no not excited yet,' mooed Captain Bill. 'It is very badly damaged,' replied Norma. 'We think it may have been there some time.' 'Well you can tell that from the fact that it's all brown and worn,' said Captain Bill. 'To be honest a lot of the staining came from a cup of hot chocolate that got spilled over it,' replied Norma. 'And it's so worn because?' 'Annie tried to lick the chocolate back off,' admitted Norma. 'I suppose we should be grateful Cyril wasn't helping,' said Captain Bill. 'That was my thought,' replied Norma. 'But Annie did eventually manage to decipher the last few lines at the bottom.' Captain Bill stared at the lines at the bottom. 'If....if bound toast???'  'If found lost,' corrected Norma. 'If found lost and returned unopened a substantial reward will be paid.' Captain Bill thought for a while. 'Are we sure?' h...

'Go away!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Shoo! Shoo!' 'I assume you're not talking to me?' said Norma. 'Mmm? No! No!' replied Captain Bill. 'So do you really only have a few copies left?' Captain Bill put down his broom and looked forlornly at the small pile of magazines on the table. 'I only had a few copies to start with,' he replied. 'I suppose launching a magazine on an island that only has 6 people living on it was always going to be a gamble,' said Norma. 'Don't forget Geraldine,' reminded Captain Bill. 'She's a very avid reader so I'm told.' 'So has she bought a copy?' asked Norma. '......................No!' said Captain Bill. 'It might be that I have to rely more on the overseas market. I may need to give the next issue more of an international flavour. Ropes around the World, Hemp across the Hemisphere.' 'Global knots you may not know.' 'Y...

'And so as a result of careful consideration,' continued Annie, 'combined with recently enhanced engineering techniques, coupled with scientific insight and Geraldine's help...' At this point Geraldine ran forward, curtsied and then ran back. 'Lovely!' mooed Norma. 'Thank you!' said Annie, 'and with Geraldine's help...I managed to attach this big white arrow to my hat!' And Annie waggled her hats and the big white arrow fell off and landed in the snow. 'Bum!' said Annie. Captain Bill sighed deeply. 'Am I likely to still be below pensionable age when this finishes?' he asked. Annie shrugged her horns. 'Perhaps we should get on?' suggested Norma. 'In which case,' said Annie, 'I shall leave out my sponsor's request to mention wave powered turkeys.' 'Where is the fat one anyway?' asked Captain Bill. 'He said he had better things to do,' replied Norma. ...

'I know you don't always get on with her but she is our top forensics expert,' said Norma. Captain Bill glanced up towards Annie and shuffled forward to get a closer look at the chest. 'We're concentrating on the label on the top of it,' said Norma. 'Right,' replied Captain Bill, 'and you don't think it's likely to explode?' 'The label?' asked Norma. 'No, no the whole thing,' said Captain Bill. 'I doubt it,' replied Norma. 'And it's not booby trapped at all? No concealed knives that pop out or mallets on springs or guns on elastic bands?' 'Guns on elastic bands?' queried Norma. 'Well that sort of thing,' replied Captain Bill. 'We've no reason to think so,' said Norma. 'Fine!' said Captain Bill and he moved a bit closer. 'So what do we know about it?' 'Annie dear!' mooed Norma. Annie scrambled down from her chair, ran aroun...

'Do you think he'll be OK?' asked Captain Bill. 'He's big enough to take care of himself,' replied Bertha. 'Must have been a shock though,' said Captain Bill. 'You can see he's upset.' 'It's very kind of you,' gasped Horace, 'but I'll be fine.' 'Actually we were talking about Cyril,' replied Bertha. 'Annie beat him to the cupcake!' 'Oh my!' muttered Horace and he turned a little pale. 'You know...I think he might have let her,' suggested Norma. Everyone looked at Norma. 'Well it's possible!' she mooed. 'Anyway if we could return to things closer to hoof. I think we've got more important things to concentrate on.' 'True,' said Bertha. 'Indeed,' agreed Captain Bill, 'we aught to get our priorities right...........where did you find it?' 'I meant about Horace!' said Norma. 'Oh right,' replied Captain...

'Steady!' said Norma. 'Steady!' called out Bertha. Annie nodded and gave two waves on her flag. 'He'll need help when he gets to the top,' said Norma. Bertha looked at Captain Bill. 'What?' asked Captain Bill. 'You'll have to help him when he gets to the top.' 'ME!' said Captain Bill. 'Yes you,' replied Bertha. '........................................Err?' said Captain Bill. 'So you'll have to get closer to the edge.' '............How about...' said Captain Bill. 'No!' mooed Bertha. '...we give the whole hauling him up on a rope thing a miss...' 'No!' mooed Bertha. '...and I go down to the harbour. Nothing to do with getting away from the horrible, near certain death, cliff edge and sail the Pickled Heifer around and pick him up from the beach?' 'No!' said Bertha and Norma. 'Shouldn't take more than a day or t...

'So what's the hold up?' asked Bertha. 'He's just finishing a sonnet,' replied Norma. 'Now?' asked Bertha. 'It just came to him,' replied Norma. 'He won't be a minute.' 'Well actually!' called up Horace. 'He won't be long,' repeated Norma. Bertha ran up to the top of the rise and back again. 'Geraldine can't hold him much longer. He can smell the icing already,' she pointed out. 'A minute, two at the most,' said Norma with a smile. 'Perhaps I could be of more use back there?' suggested Captain Bill. 'You stay just where you are!' mooed Bertha. 'Can I remind you who's captain,' said Captain Bill. 'I could soon make some more confetti,' replied Bertha. 'Oooooooooooooh!' said Annie. 'Is there going to be another wedding? Could I be best man? Does Captain Eyepatch have to divorce the tree first? Only they've not been t...

'Hopeless!' muttered Captain Bill. 'Absolutely hopeless!' 'It was an accident,' replied Norma. 'Well why does he need to stand that close to the edge anyway?' 'I think it's just a poet thing,' replied Norma. 'And falling off helps does it?' 'Actually!' called out Horace. 'He needs inspiration,' mooed Norma. 'Well can't he be inspired somewhere else?' asked Captain Bill. 'It is a very pretty view,' replied Norma. 'That's got nothing to do with it!' called out Horace. 'This would never have happened if he's stuck to limericks,' added Captain Bill. 'So,' asked Norma, 'are you actually going to come and help?' 'There's no point in all of us standing on the edge,' replied Captain Bill. 'As your Captain it's only right that I maintain some distance and act in a more...supervisory capacity.' 'And use the only ...

'It does have a crossword puzzle.' 'That's not the same thing at all!' replied Horace. 'That's what I said,' agreed Norma. 'But he's so keen about it and I'd pay for it for you.' 'How can anyone be keen about something that isn't poetry?' said Horace. 'Well not everybody's life revolves around poetry,' replied Norma. And Horace was silent for a while. 'I think I might try to get a little closer to the edge,' he said eventually. 'If you must,' sighed Norma. 'And while I think of it what happened to the hat and scarf that I knitted for you for Christmas?' 'They made me feel all warm and snuggly,' relied Horace. 'That was the whole point of giving them to you!' mooed Norma. 'I know!' replied Horace. 'I couldn't possibly write anything while I was wearing them. By the way do you think there's a chance this edge could collapse?' ...

'I don't know,' said Norma, 'they seem to remind me of...' 'Confetti?' suggested Captain Bill. 'That's it!' mooed Norma. 'They're almost exactly the same size. It must have taken her ages to glue them all on.' 'Five hours,' replied Captain Bill. 'It would have been less but she insisted on finishing the crossword.' 'She can be very thorough when she wants to be,' said Norma. 'You know she'd had that pot of glue for three years just sitting there waiting?' 'I think I was with her when she bought it,' replied Norma. 'I mean what is wrong with her?' 'I guess she warned you?' asked Norma. '................She may have,' replied Captain Bill. 'I think I recall her muttering something. It's difficult to remember in the heat of the moment. I tend to zone out when she starts shouting...which let's be honest is most of the time.' 'Pe...

'No!' said Bertha. 'Hang on!' replied Captain Bill. 'I've not asked for anything yet!' 'All the same,' said Bertha, 'I'm not interested in stocking your magazine. I'm not going to become interested in stocking your magazine and if you take just one step closer I shall take it off of you, tear it into confetti sized pieces and glue them to you using this pot of glue that I've been saving for just such an occasion,'  Captain Bill looked carefully at the pot of glue on the desk. It said 'For gluing confetti sized pieces of magazine onto Captain Bill. Do not use for any other purpose' on the label in very small but neat hoof writing. 'People are supposed to mellow with age,' suggested Captain Bill. 'I'm not people,' replied Bertha, 'I'm Bertha.' 'It's got a crossword puzzle,' said Captain Bill and he pointed at it. 'No it hasn't,' replied Bertha, 'it...

'Which is why there's never been a better time to get into diesel powered chickens,' said Cyril. 'I'm in!' mooed Annie and she did a little dance and two of her hats fell off. 'So how much would you like to invest?' asked Cyril as he helped to put the hats back on. Annie thought VERY hard. 'Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....this much!' she replied and held hers hooves apart. 'Tell you what,' said Cyril, 'come in for twice that and I'll throw in 5,000 copies of String World for free.' 'Yippee!' shouted Annie and two of her hats fell off. 'That keeps happening!' she said. 'So it does,' agreed Cyril as he put them back on again. 'Perhaps I should nail them on?' 'Possibly,' replied Cyril and he was just about to explain rather more about motorised chickens in general and a start up venture with solar powered Buff Orpingtons when Norma arrived. 'Oh...

'He needs to get out more,' mooed Captain Bill. 'Oh, I think that's unfair,' said Norma. 'Well honestly,' replied Captain Bill. 'It's just the way he feels sometimes,' said Norma. 'Artistic people are like that.' 'All I'm saying is that if he wants to get something published he'll need to lighten up a bit. If you ask me he should still give the limericks a go.' 'I just don't think it's him,' replied Norma, 'and he does write happier pieces sometimes.' 'Perhaps an occasional knock knock joke,' suggested Captain Bill, 'if he could make them rhyme?' 'Hmm,' replied Norma, 'anyway I think it might be best if we concentrate on what we're supposed to be doing. I thought Annie did very well.' 'Can't disagree on that,' replied Captain Bill. 'So are they going for the 2 person?' 'Annie said they'd just make the one run and give it their all....so...

'We've said we're sorry,' said Bertha. 'And that's supposed to be good enough is it?' mooed Captain Bill. 'Ask him to stop shouting,' said Norma. 'Could you stop shouting?' 'I'm not!' 'He's not.' 'Ooooooooh!' moaned Norma. 'It wasn't deliberate,' began Bertha, 'we just...' '...got as far as opening Cyril's Christmas present and then the whole week fell to pieces!' finished Captain Bill. 'It was very good wine,' said Bertha. 'Could you ask him to stop moving,' said Norma. 'Could you stop moving?' 'I'm not!' 'He's not.' 'Oooooooooh!' said Norma. 'Look,' said Bertha, 'we should have opened your present. It was very wrong of us not to do so. So we'll round up everybody else and have a proper moment just for you.' 'Hmm,' said Captain Bill, 'I've a good mind to simply cancel it.' 'You wi...

Norma had called a meeting. So far it had gone exactly as she had expected. Cyril had poked Horace with a large stick. Horace had complained. Cyril had poked Horace with a smaller stick. Annie had tried to order two pairs of curtains and a dinning room table. 'If we could all settle down!' mooed Bertha. 'Thank you,' said Norma,'I've had replies to all of the telegrams that I sent out. I'm afraid it's not good reading.' Geraldine used one of Cyril's sticks to point at the first one. 'Who's it from?' asked Captain Bill. 'George,' replied Norma. 'Weird George!' said Captain Bill. 'I prefer George,' replied Norma. And then Bertha read it out aloud. 'Yer well yer erm hello STOP I never saw them STOP it just kind of turned up STOP right well erm OK erm bye STOP.' 'I see what you mean about it not being good reading,' said Captain Bill. 'He was talking about the snow making machine,...

'So,' said George,'you put the stuff in.....somewhere and then you pull some buttons or press a lever or two or something like that and then all the snow comes out the top like!' 'Yes, yes!' replied Bertha,'I think we all get that but we can't fill the balloon full of snow.' 'Ah!' said George. 'Ah! Well that's where I've had an original think, cus if you don't put the.....what do you call it again?' 'The stuff?' suggested Bertha. 'Indeed!' replied George.'Have you used one of these things before?' But Bertha said she hadn't. 'Anyway, if you don't put the stuff in and then if you press this 'ere button, which is marked 'emergency hot air not that you're ever going to need it because you're trying to make snow but we thought we'd fit one anyway' then you'd have hot air coming out the top bit!' Bertha (and everyone else who was still there becaus...