Cow Island

'But you cannot steer with your hooves!' said Captain Bill. 'They're called feet!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Whatever they're called,' replied Captain Bill, 'you cannot steer with them!' 'But I am!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Look! Steer to the left! Steer to the right! Steer to the left! Steer to the right! It's easy!' 'Would you please refrain from doing that!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Sailing a ship is a serious business.' 'You should try running a kingdom!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'My hubby, I do miss 'im, my hubby has to take about eleventy billion decisions a day! Sometimes before breakfast.' 'No doubt he does,' replied Captain Bill, 'I also expect that he would understand how difficult it is to steer a ship.' 'No!' said Queen Phoebe. 'He would say, 'it's easy my little dove, 'ave a bash yourself if you like?' and then he'd lob a choc...

'Oh, that's nice,' mooed Norma, 'you've put an extra Not North on it!' 'I thought she deserved it,' replied Bertha. 'It'll annoy Captain Bill,' added Norma. 'I thought he deserved it,' replied Bertha. 'Mmm,' said Norma, 'well so much for my efforts to keep the peace.' 'I just like to give him something to keep him occupied,' explained Bertha. 'He'd get bored otherwise.' 'Really?' said Norma. 'I like to think so,' replied Bertha. 'Hmm,' said Norma. 'So do you think Queen Phoebe will understand how to use it?' 'About as well as our brave captain does,' replied Bertha. 'Norma was just about to make an observation about Captain Bill's bravery when she was distracted by the unexpected arrival of Horace. 'Hello!' he said. 'Afternoon,' said Norma and Bertha. 'Shouldn't you...shouldn't you be steering?...

'Port!' mooed Captain Bill, 'Port! Port! PORT!' 'But that is port!' shouted Horace. 'Is it?' asked Captain Bill. 'What month is it?' 'Does that make any difference?' asked Horace. 'Of course it does!' replied Captain Bill. 'Or does it? Where's Norma?' 'I think she's with Queen Phoebe?' 'Typical!' replied Captain Bill. 'Now.....slightly starboilarboilboard...bit more...bit more....noooowwwww steady.....steady....port! Port man! PORT! LEFT! RIGHT! UP! DOWN! LEFT!' 'But I don't think I can make it go up and down,' said Horace, 'not with the twirly whirly.' 'It's called a wheel!' mooed Captain Bill. 'I don't think I care,' replied Horace, 'I still can't make the ship go up...or down for that matter.' 'Always excuses!' called out Captain Bill. 'Ah! Wait! Wait! Port...no starboiliarboli...no port...no...no.....