Cow Island

Could....................................could you just move your hoof a bit?' asked Flossie. 'Which one?' replied Lefty. 'Back right...........thanks! That's better. Now, I know it's a long shot, but, asking anyway, does anyone still have a pointy sword about them?' There were a couple of dejected bleats from the flock. '..................Pointy dagger?' asked Flossie. But there were just more dejected bleats. 'Pointy spoon?.....................Pointy hoof file?...........Pointy anything?' 'I think we've been cleared out,' observed Lefty. 'Hmm,' said Flossie. 'What about Hookey? He must still have something.' But where there would normally have been a response of an enthusiastic, rasping, tap...there as just the muffled sound of a fleece against soft grass. 'Curses!' muttered Flossie. 'Might try to bite our way out?' suggested Lefty. 'Undignified,' replied Flossi...

'Over there!' said Lefty. 'Where?' 'There!' 'I can't hear it,' bleated Flossie. 'I'm sure it was.' 'Getting nearer?' 'Difficult to tell.' 'Going further away?' 'Not sure.' 'But the same noise as before?' 'Yes!....Maybe?.......I don't know!' 'Oh!' groaned Flossie. 'This is madness! It's a cow on a giant spring, that's all!' 'Got our prisoner though,' replied Lefty. 'And it's not something we've ever trained for.' 'Well, who would have?' asked Flossie. 'I'll happily concede that when considering possible crew procedures, the possibility of being attacked by a mad cow on a giant spring never figured very highly.' 'It's quiet now.' said Lefty. 'Perhaps it's gone?' replied Flossie. 'Perhaps it has?' agreed Lefty. 'FLUFFIES!!!!!' mooed Annie as she b...

'Well, if you're sure you can't direct me toward the 57th Annual Rain Soaked Cliff Top Poetry Awards, I'll be on my way,' said Horace. And the flock all shook their heads. 'Well...........................................................bye then,' mumbled Horace. 'Wait a minute,' bleated Flossie. Horace hesitated. 'Did you say the 57th Annual Rain Soaked Cliff Top Poetry Awards?' 'I did,' said Horace. '......................................Never heard of them!' continued Flossie. 'Pity though, I quite like a bit of poetry.' 'Really?' asked Lefty. 'Oh, yes,' replied Flossie. 'As long as it doesn't drift off into anything too metaphysical.' 'I've always been more of a short story person,' said Lefty. 'Just at the end of the day, to help me settle down.' 'It's odd isn't it,' mused Flossie, 'how we're all drawn towards differen...

'And when she finally found it,' said Norma, 'it turned out to be in one of those side pockets with some tissues and a pen than didn't work.' 'But did it open the casket?' asked Bertha. 'It did!' mooed Norma. 'And inside?' 'Another bigger key,' replied Norma. '............To be honest I was slightly disappointed. I'm not really sure what I expected. 'But did it mean anything to Camille?' asked Bertha. Norma nodded. 'She got very excited. She said she knows what it fits, so she's gone off with Captain Bill. I thought I'd come and see how you were getting along?' 'I thought it best to collect up all the discarded pointyness,' replied Bertha. 'I got Jean Claude and Blanche to help me.' 'You don't think they're too young for handling discarded pointyness?' queried Norma. But Bertha made it quite clear that, in her opinion, it did young calves good to get...

'And you flick that catch there and it allows you to fire three shots at different ranges,' said Lefty. 'Brilliant!' bleated Flossie. 'And if you press the black button, a tripod drops down so you can use it in a sustained fire role.' 'Terrific!' And if you press the white button?' 'That's a digital radio and one of those things for getting horses hooves out of stones. To be honest, I see that as more of a gimmick.' 'Mmm,' replied Flossie. 'Not sure you'd get a lot of use out of that. I did once serve on a ship that had a horse as 2nd mate. It used to spend all its time running around the deck, jumping over the cannon...and it was rubbish at climbing in the rigging.' 'It sounds nice to have a mix of species,' replied Lefty, 'but statistics prove that all sheep ships work best.' 'You've got my vote on that one,' said Flossie. 'Now, is everyone happy with what they've...

'Norman came to the conclusion that the pirate sheep had never been there, but I knew better,' explained Captain Bill. 'And you would be 'appy for me to 'ave Monsieur Norman confirm this?' asked Camille. 'Probably best to take my word for it,' replied Captain Bill. 'He can be a bit touchy about that sort of thing. Elephants, you know what they're like!' Camille deployed an extra long 'hmm'. 'Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?' it went, and she accompanied it with a stare and would have followed it up with another 'Hmm?' of even greater length but Norma arrived and interrupted her. 'I'm afraid they must have taken every pointy sword they could lay their evil hooves on,' she said. 'They've been dropping them everywhere.' 'Indeed!' replied Camille. 'It is like some huge, pointy sword, contemporary sculpture trail which 'as been designed by some weird a...

'I still find it hard to believe,' trumpeted Norman. 'I'm telling you that's all I could see,' replied Captain Bill. 'It just seems odd,' said Norman. 'I can't help that,' replied Captain Bill. 'I'm not saying you're responsible,' said Norman, 'but it just doesn't fit in.' I concede that,' replied Captain Bill, 'but it was there all the same.' 'You don't think you could have been mistaken?' 'No!'   '...............You have to wonder why?' mused Norman. 'No! I don't!' replied Captain Bill. 'And you're absolutely sure that's all you could see?' 'Look!' said Captain Bill. 'For the last time, there was just an old piano...behind the green door.' 'Strange?'  'Anyway,' continued Captain Bill, 'my conclusion, as a result of our....' 'Looking through the keyhole...' '.......

'And then I got to thinking, are we misjudging him?'  'Perhaps?' replied Camille. 'Perhaps, we 'ave all misjudged 'im? Perhaps Cyril is a truly honest person? Perhaps rather than suspecting the worst of 'im, we should hope for the best? Perhaps if we show trust in 'im, we will all be rewarded and enriched by the experience? And perhaps, while we are in this more experimental phase, I should stick ma 'ead into this mangle and get little Blanche to crank the 'andle?' 'If I didn't know better, I'd suspect you of taking sarcasm lessons from Bertha,' mooed Captain Bill. 'She isn't charging me as I am a friend,' replied Camille. 'But he is an acknowledged expert in wine,' continued Captain Bill. 'Even I can't deny that.' 'And you're not known for your denial of reality!' pointed out Camille. '..........................................I just don't understand w...

'Never happy being the one to say I told you so,' bleated Flossie. 'Have it sorted out in a jiffy,' replied Lefty. 'Are there many more to do?' 'These two and Harriet.' 'She's here then?' 'Down at the end,' replied Lefty. 'She's in a hi vis, so if you want to have a word, she's easy to pick out.' 'Well, nice to see her, despite the circumstances.' 'My thoughts exactly. Although she'll need to be off as soon as I free her. The lamb care ends at 4.30 and she gets charged extra if she's late picking them up.' 'You should tell her to bring them along.' 'Not allowed,' replied Lefty. 'The legislation's very clear.' 'Really?' said Flossie. 'I'm sure I used to at their age and I had a Saturday job painting the crosses onto pirate flags.' 'Just the crosses?' 'Just the crosses!' 'I used to help my uncle testi...

'Har! Har! Har! Tiring of it slightly but still,' continued Flossie, 'what are we up to?' '8 knots,' replied Lefty. 'Har! Ha...Oh I can't be bothered...Tis a fine ship and no mistake!' 'I was thinking we could rename her 'Mint Sauce II'? suggested Lefty. 'Perfect!' said Flossie. 'Now, to other matters. Have the prisoners been thrown into the brig?' 'Well,' replied Lefty, 'couldn't throw them in, might have hurt them but I can confirm that the prisoners have been confined in a space that still allows access to light, water, regular meals, with choice of menu including a vegan option, adequate turning room and an organised program of recreation and exercise. I've skipped the bit about visiting rights because they can't have any seeing as we're at sea.' 'Right,' said Flossie. 'Good! Now, Dave, he seems to have a spoon?' 'Correct,' replied Lefty. 'Ba...

'But as health and safety courses go it was really interesting,' continued Lefty. 'Well glad I sent you on it then!' replied Flossie, 'and the posters?' 'Mostly about running with swords. I'm afraid they've tightened things up again!' At this moment Hooky tapped several times on the grass. 'Well,' replied Lefty, 'it now covers swords, daggers, forks including cake forks and skewers.' 'Doesn't leave a lot!' said Flossie dispiritedly. 'I had a word with mum,' replied Lefty, 'she's got some long handled spoons in a draw somewhere.' 'Not the same though is it!' said Flossie. 'Boarding an enemy vessel, swinging across on a rope with a long handled spoon clenched between your gnashers.' 'Ah!' said Lefty. 'Glad you mentioned that. Rope's out!' 'Out!' bleated Flossie. 'Out!' confirmed Lefty. 'From now on boarding can only be car...