Cow Island

'And there's nothing left! mooed Captain Bill. 'Nothing! Nothing at all!' 'OK!' replied Horace. 'Not even the carpets!' continued Captain Bill. 'I don't think there's anything I can do about it!' said Horace. 'I'm not asking you to do anything about it!' said Captain Bill. 'I'm just telling you!' 'I've not been back to the ship for ages,' replied Horace. 'Well your cabin's fine! Everyone else's is fine! It's just mine! Even the porthole's gone...and the ceiling!' '................................Right!' said Horace. 'So what's happening here? Norma said I should come and help.' 'I've got to wave a flag.' said Horace. 'And you need help with that?' 'Norma seemed to think I might.' 'And what about this painting?' '..............................................................I may have knocked ...

'We could!' bleated Flossie. 'Shouldn't really though,' replied Lefty. 'Nobodies looking!' added Flossie. 'And we need to get on.' 'It's your call,' replied Lefty. So Flossie gave the signal and the flock picked up the pace. 'It's not really running anyway,' continued Flossie. 'More of a slight jog.' 'Still covered in the rules though,' replied Lefty. Flossie slowed to a halt. 'You know,' he began, 'I'm tempted to get out of the whole pirate game.' 'Never!' said Lefty. 'Well, it's just no fun anymore,' replied Flossie. 'It used to be. It's all got just...too regulated.' 'But, but what you do?' asked Lefty. 'I dunno,' replied Flossie, 'maybe just get my head stuck through a fence for a while, give myself time to think things through.' 'You'd miss it though,' said Lefty. 'The camaraderie, the s...

'And you're sure it was her?' asked Lefty. Hooky tapped once. 'It couldn't be!' bleated Flossie. Hooky tapped four times. 'Well maybe it could be then!' conceded Flossie. 'How tall was she?' asked Lefty. Hooky tapped seven times. 'And how wide was she?' asked Lefty. Hooky tapped seven times. 'She could do with loosing a few pounds,' remarked Lefty. 'It's all the banquets,' said Flossie. 'Now,' asked Lefty, 'how regal was she?' Hooky tapped three hundred and thirty seven times. 'How regal?' exclaimed Flossie. And Hooky tapped three hundred and thirty seven times.....again. 'It must be her!' said Flossie. 'And she won't be alone,' added Lefty. 'Right ! ' said Flossie . ' T here's no time to lose. W e'll have to move quickly.' 'Not sure we can,' replied Lefty. 'Why not?' asked Flossie. And Lefty...

'But Cyril says he's not sure now who he sold it to so there's little chance of Captain Bill getting it back,' said Norma. 'It's only a piece of furniture,' replied Horace, 'it's not as if it were a poem or anything.' 'I thought you might say something like that,' said Norma. 'So...as we're now talking about poetry, how's it going?' 'It's OK,' replied Horace. 'And Queen Phoebe?' 'We argued for a while over finding something to rhyme with dead. She suggested brown bread but it really didn't fit the mood of the work.' 'Hmm,' replied Norma, 'I can see where you're coming from.' 'The problem is she's very used to getting her own way.' 'I suppose when you're a queen it must get like that?' 'In the end we decided that we'd produce two different versions.' 'Well compromise is best if you cam manage it,' replied N...

'They'll undoubtedly have formed a plan for disposing of Queen Phoebe's crown,' said Bertha, 'and if Norma and my expectations are correct it'll be a plan of such detailed complexity that we'll have little chance of penetrating through its many fiendish layers.' 'But even so,' added Norma, 'we feel we still have to try.' 'Well there's nothing like talking us up!' replied Captain Bill. 'It's trying to understand the criminal mind that will be crucial,' added Bertha. 'And we still don't know where Cyril's gone to?' asked Captain Bill. 'For such a large bovine he's surprisingly adept at hiding in the shadows,' replied Norma. 'I think our best approach will be to start without him and to look around and see what we can see.' 'We'll have to go across the site with a fine tooth comb,' observed Bertha. Annie raised a hoof. 'Not a real one!' mooed C...

'It's just I've had a word with the lads and they'd rather not,' said Lefty. 'But it'd only be for a couple of hours!' replied Flossie. 'We'd all get to see so much more!' 'Still,' replied Lefty, 'the lads would prefer it if we all went around together...as a flock like.' Flossie sighed. 'We'll spend half our time queueing, you know that don't you!' 'Be more fun though,'  replied Lefty, 'being all together.' '...........................................OK!' bleated Flossie. 'All together it is!' And as one the pirate flock cheered. 'Is it...is it me,' continued Flossie, 'or is it more corporate this year?' 'Suppose it's only to be expected,' replied Lefty, 'must cost a lot to put something like this on. 'Makes it less piratey though,' said Flossie. 'So where do you want to start then?' asked Lefty. 'Du...

'We shouldn't be here!' whispered Captain Bill. 'I know,' replied Norma,'and normally I wouldn't do this sort of thing...but needs must!' 'But we're breaking into the organisers tent!' said Captain Bill,'what are we going to say if we get caught?' 'We'll say we got lost and took a wrong turn,' replied Norma as she looked around. 'And just accidentally cut open the back of their tent and rifled through the entire contents of their private correspondence?' questioned Captain Bill. 'These things happen!' replied Norma,'but anyway we won't get caught. Annie and Bertha are outside and Cyril and Horace are on the flanks and Geraldine's got a little drum to bang if anyone gets too close.' 'I have to say, for an honest person you seem to have got this very well organised!' said Captain Bill. 'I employed a consultant,' replied Norma,'but don't worry, I've foun...

'Well we've looked everywhere,' said Bertha. 'They'll turn up!' replied Captain Bill. 'But they haven't so far,' added Norma with more than a note of concern in her voice. 'Look,' said Captain Bill,'it's a big event, we might easily have missed them.' 'Hmm,' replied Norma,'I'm not so sure.' 'Stop worrying!' said Captain Bill,'you always worry too much. We'll find them. They're here somewhere!' 'No they're not!' mooed Annie. Norma, Bertha and Captain Bill stopped talking to each other and looked at Annie, who was still experiencing a rather generous amount of bunting love. 'So you just happen to know that do you?' asked Captain Bill. 'Fact!' replied Annie. 'Really?' said Captain Bill. And Annie nodded her head. 'And,' continued Captain Bill,'you're certain of this crystal clear piece of information because?' 'I asked...

'Yes,' said Norma,'but are you really sure you need one?' 'Everyone needs a cheese grater!' replied Annie,'I even got a miniature one for Geraldine.' 'Wonderful!' said Norma. 'And it's good quality one,' continued Annie,'it's even got a little hole in it so you don't lose your cheese once it's been grated! Our agent has said that we could offer to grate peoples Christmas cheeses for them and attract there attention by pinging the grating wires.' 'Right,' said Norma,'and your agent would be Cyril?' 'Mr Cyril!' corrected Annie,'he says if we're good at it he might arrange a world wide stadium grating tour for early next year, grating to crowds of up to 15 people at a time....this could be our ticket to fame and grated cheese.' 'Hmmm,' said Norma,'I've just got to nip off for a last couple of presents and then maybe I'll try to find Mr Cyril and have a qu...