Cow Island

'We really do need to hurry!' Norma called back. 'But what is 'appening?' Camille asked. 'We're not sure,' Norma replied. 'The bunnies have reported that there's a lot of commotion outside the casino and people are leaving the island.' 'But I thought nothing was supposed to 'appen until much later on?' 'I have a suspicion,' Norma explained, 'that Cyril may not have stuck to the script.' 'No surprise there then,' Bertha added. 'Perhaps,' Camille suggested, 'ma brave Captaine Bile has challenged everyone to a duel?' 'Well,' Norma replied, 'while it would be wrong to rule that out without knowing for sure...' 'I can see it all,' Camille continued, 'a slight was made to ma name, a rush of blood to 'is horns, he fights to defend ma honour.' 'Sometimes a worry about you,' Bertha mooed. 'You 'ave to 'ave 'ope,' C...

'So, the plan, should it be acceptable to your majesty, is to get Norman to ferry us across to Cow Island. It isn't very far and the water is quite shallow.' 'Consider him at your disposal,' Queen Phoebe replied. 'That's a kindness,' Norma smiled. 'And once we 'ave arrived?' Camille asked. 'We'll split up and, disguised as holidaymakers, we'll infiltrate their despicable piratey operation.' Norma replied. 'Hmm,' Camille mused, 'although I suspect it is just a feed for what passes as a joke, I am required to question your decision for us to split up. Do we 'ave to do so?' 'I'm afraid it's essential for two reasons,' Norma replied. 'Firstly, it will allow us to cover more ground and, secondly, it will make us easier to draw.' My suspicions are confirmed!' Camille mooed. 'I have to say One is, in the common parlance,  up for it,' Queen Phoebe added. ...

'Levers are overrated anyway,' said Captain Bill. 'You don't think you should try to fix it back on?' Horace asked. 'It's not necessary,' Captain Bill replied. 'They try to over complicate things these days. When I went to Captain's school all they gave you was a knitted compass, a bit of seaweed and one of these twiddly twirly things.' 'A steering wheel?' 'That's it! And we would be expected to find our way anywhere on the high oceans, day or night, in any weather. Navigation is more of an instinctive thing in the best sailors. I could do it blindfolded.' 'Bertha made a remark about you the other day that wasn't dissimilar to that,' Horace observed. 'See!' Captain Bill exclaimed. 'She pretends to be critical of me but she knows a top captain when she sees one. You're born to it really. I don't need a lever to tell me when I need to turn to port or starboliarboliboard.' ...

'But I thought you were taking them straight to the Pickled Heifer?' said Norma. 'It wasn't that easy to control,' Horace replied. 'It just kept moving. Some of them fell off. I got bruised.'  And Horace pointed with his tail at several large bruises. 'He's fine!' Bertha called out. 'I'm sure you will be,' Norma added. 'I'm a poet,' Horace replied. 'Even so,' said Norma, 'they are only bruises.' 'He'll be fine!' Bertha repeated. 'Anyway,' Norma continued, 'I thought Cyril was helping you? I sent him to.' 'He said 'left a bit' at one point but apart from that he just kept trying to sell me a t-shirt,' Horace replied. 'I told him I didn't need one.' Norma used up one of supply of sighs. 'Where is he now?' she asked. 'He said he was feeling peckish and wandered off.' Norma used another sigh and made a mental n...

'So, that's everyone asked apart from Bertha.' 'And how is Madame Shouty?' Captain Bill asked. 'I do wish you wouldn't,' Norma replied, 'and she's fine as far as I know. I'm off to see her next.' 'Do give her my antipathy.' 'Couldn't you make just some effort to get along with her?' Norma asked. 'I do,' Captain Bill replied. 'But you haven't spoken to her for months now.' 'Works for me!' said Captain Bill. Norma's horns slumped just a little. 'Well, after I've seen her I thought we should all get together and decide where we want to go.' 'You mean a meeting?' said Captain Bill. 'Yes,' Norma replied. 'Down on the beach.' 'Oh joy!' And Norma's horns slumped a little more. 'I'll be getting along then,' she said and she went to move away. 'Before I go,' she added, 'and I don't want y...

'I knew you'd be interested,' Captain Bill explained, 'as soon as I saw you heading this way.' 'But I wasn't heading this way,' Horace replied. 'I was going in a completely different direction when you shouted at me from at least half a mile away and told me to come over.' '....................................................Quibbling,' said Captain Bill. 'So, what do you think?' 'It's a sack full of old rope?' 'Exactly! Fancy lending me a hoof?' 'Are you throwing it away?' Horace asked. 'Away? No, no! I've just bought it.' 'Why?' 'Because it's rope...it's interesting...and it's not just rope, there's cord and some string as well.' 'And you've just bought it?' 'Yes!' 'With money?' 'Yes!' '.................................................................Would it be OK if I left now?' ...

'It looks far too much like exercise to me!' said Cyril. 'Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!' called out Annie, as she bounced past. 'It's fun! And it's not too difficult once you've got bouncing! Actually, I am beginning to suspect, that now I'm underway, things could go on indefinitely.'  'You could never do it with a full glass of wine.'  'Hmmmmmmmm?' replied Annie, as she bounced back again. 'Possibly you could get away with using a very long straw. I would have a hard think thunk about it, but I'm afraid my brain is extra wobbly at the moment.' 'I doubt it'll harm you?' said Cyril. 'There are moments when it seems a positive help!' mooed Annie. 'Excellent!' said Cyril. 'I shall look forward to the results.' 'I'll let you have a look inside my ears later on,' replied Annie, 'and you can let me know what you see.' 'Terrific!' said Cyril. ...

'I really am so sorry,' trumpeted Norman. 'It's just one of those things,' replied Norma. 'It was an accident,' added Norman. 'I know,' replied Norma. 'We have to accept that there is more to an elephant than just a trunk and two of those mores are a pair of very pointy tusks!' 'I've not been in an art gallery for years!' said Norman. 'They won't let me in! I've tried tying cushions on the ends of them and everything' 'That's not fair,' mooed Annie. 'No it isn't,' agreed Norma. 'It's elephantist!' continued Annie. 'I couldn't have put it better myself,' said Norma, 'and anyway they're not big holes, well they are quite big but Annie will soon have them repaired.' 'I'm using a special running elephant proof stitch.' 'See!' said Norma. 'Then when she's finished she can give you a whole heap of hugs and every...

'Are you sure?' asked Horace. 'I'm fine thank you!' replied Captain Bill. 'It doesn't look very comfortable...or safe,' added Horace. 'Really I'm fine,' replied Captain Bill. 'Don't you even have a hammock?' asked Horace. 'I've given it away,' replied Captain Bill. 'It just doesn't seem right for you to be sleeping there,' said Horace. 'Your concern is duly noted,' replied Captain Bill, 'but if we could please get on.' 'Norma wants to know if you'd like to help her?' said Horace. 'I wondered when this would happen,' replied Captain Bill. 'She's trying to work out where we are.' 'I thought she might be,' replied Captain Bill. 'Are you sure your alright there? It's not very wide!' 'I've wedged myself in, there's no risk of me falling.' 'Still!' 'I'M FINE!' 'So shall I ...

'...which was why it proved trickier than I imagined,' concluded Captain Bill. 'Right!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'And so to sum up,' continued Captain Bill, 'it clearly wasn't my fault.' 'OK!'  said Queen Phoebe. 'And it's also why,' pursued Captain Bill, 'in my opinion, all harbours would be better off having at least two exits...or maybe three...or four.' 'Perhaps I'll have a word with someone when I get back?' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Excellent idea!' said Captain Bill, 'and err.....the stones?' 'Keep them,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Most generous!' said Captain Bill. 'Not sure we've got much use for them though...perhaps Bertha could sculpt something with them? Incidentally it goes without saying that if Bertha had been doing her job as I asked her to none of this would have happened.' 'I HEARD THAT!' mooed Bertha. 'Although the main res...

'Port!' mooed Captain Bill, 'Port! Port! PORT!' 'But that is port!' shouted Horace. 'Is it?' asked Captain Bill. 'What month is it?' 'Does that make any difference?' asked Horace. 'Of course it does!' replied Captain Bill. 'Or does it? Where's Norma?' 'I think she's with Queen Phoebe?' 'Typical!' replied Captain Bill. 'Now.....slightly starboilarboilboard...bit more...bit more....noooowwwww steady.....steady....port! Port man! PORT! LEFT! RIGHT! UP! DOWN! LEFT!' 'But I don't think I can make it go up and down,' said Horace, 'not with the twirly whirly.' 'It's called a wheel!' mooed Captain Bill. 'I don't think I care,' replied Horace, 'I still can't make the ship go up...or down for that matter.' 'Always excuses!' called out Captain Bill. 'Ah! Wait! Wait! Port...no starboiliarboli...no port...no...no.....

'I've just popped down for a moment,' said Bertha, 'it's not as if we're even moving yet!' 'Well you shouldn't have!' replied Captain Bill, 'you're required to be at a constant state of high alert. What have you got with you anyway?' 'It's just a couple of books and some knitting,' explained Bertha. 'Fine!' replied Captain Bill, 'so when we're being boarded by hostile forces and I'm wondering why nobody saw them coming at least I'll know that it was in part because my lookout was trawling through the last couple of chapters of some cheap romance!' 'One's on the theory of sculpture and the other is on indexing problems in libraries,' said Bertha. 'Wonderful!' replied Captain Bill, 'well I shall be able to draw some small measure of comfort when pierced through with cutlasses that you weren't completely wasting your time...and the knitting?' 'Noth...

'And so,' said Norma, 'as we always expected,' and here Norma crossed her hooves, 'Annie's idea has yielded the vital information that we were searching for.' 'One is most relieved to hear it!' replied Queen Phoebe. ''Which means we can  move confidently, 'and here Norma crossed another couple of hooves, 'into what we're calling 'phase finally getting on with it'.' 'About bloomin' time!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Indeed!' said Norma, 'and even as we speak a crack team, 'and here Norma tried to cross yet more hooves and came perilously close to falling over, 'are preparing the good ship Pickled Heifer for an intense period of voyaging to hostile shores to recover your Queeninesses's crown.' 'Yipp,' replied Queen Phoebe, 'eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Now how long is it likely to take?' 'Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllll,' said Norma, 'I've...

'It's not actually addressed to anyone,' pointed out Captain Bill, 'it just says 'to whom it may concern'.' 'But the post haddock clearly gave it to you,' said Bertha. 'I was just closest,' replied Captain Bill. 'So are you going to open it?' asked Norma. 'I see no need to rush at it,' replied Captain Bill. 'You're always like this with letters,' continued Norma. 'If by that you mean that I take my time to consider things...then I'd happily agree,' replied Captain Bill. 'Well someone needs to open it!' mooed Bertha. So everyone stood and looked at the envelope. 'Well then?' asked Norma. 'It's not actually addressed to anyone,' repeated Captain Bill. 'Oh, give it here!' said Bertha and with the flick of her horn the envelope was open. From inside she drew out a single thick neatly typed piece of card. 'What does it say?' asked Norm...

'But it's a higher tariff,' explained Bertha, 'because it's quite a tricky dive.' 'Is this going to go on for much longer?' asked Captain Bill. 'Oh don't be such a spoil sport!' replied Norma. So Geraldine did her dive and everyone applauded. 'I have to say she looks very at home in the water,' added Norma. 'She's a penguin!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'Of course she's going to look at home in the water! She's a penguin, it's where they live!' 'Just saying,' replied Norma. 'This is ridiculous!' continued Captain Bill. 'We've only been here for half an hour,' said Bertha. 'And for how long are we required to remain?' asked Captain Bill, 'or didn't Ms Nutter specify?' 'You're only saying that...' called out Annie but the rest of her words were drowned out by Geraldine taking another dive. 'It's almost as if she were ...

INSIDE ANNIE'S HEAD And in the space between those horns A universe of thought Ideas tumble piled, packed dense In dusty corners edge turned and tattered Brief notes on breakfast scraps Lay dormant Waiting Waiting And as time passes Further lost Beneath thunks fresh formed Cake thoughts, neatly knitted, iced And still more Crammed unsorted Lightly penguined Dancing Napping Never stopping Thunk on think On think on thunk And one around Yon elephant's trunk The mind on Annie Imagines

'So it's vital we preserve the clean field environment,' added Norma, 'we can't risk contaminating things with even a single original thought.' 'Would you like me to leave then?' asked Captain Bill. 'No you're fine!' replied Norma. 'And how are things looking?' 'We're getting there,' replied Norma, 'of course I blame myself, in retrospect it was easy to anticipate what was going to happen. We were after one 'think' but Annie's head turned out to be full of them.' 'How many so far?' asked Captain Bill. 'Over three and a half thousand,' replied Norma. 'Which is why we've had to set up an initial assessment centre. As you'd expect most of them are about cake but there are some incredibly complex ideas in there as well.' 'Really?' said Captain Bill. 'There's one that we found early on that involves sea horses and elastic bands that could rev...

'I just thought it would be nice if you could say a few words. People have put a lot of effort into this!' said Norma. 'Hmm,' replied Captain Bill, 'I suppose you're right. There comes a time when only a few well chosen observations from a natural leader will suffice.' 'Thank you,' said Norma, 'although I'm not sure where Cyril is and Horace asked to be excused because he's had an idea for a poem...and Annie's having a nap.' 'Just you and Ms Shouty then?' said Captain Bill. 'Actually Bertha's carrying out some final checks...but Geraldine's here.' 'So I'm making a speech to you and Geraldine?' 'I'll give you my undivided!' mooed Norma. 'Might as well do it now then!' replied Captain Bill, 'hardly seems worth building the whole thing up if it's just the three of us.' 'I just thought you might like a tour first?' suggested Norma. 'So...

'I must say it's a very well organised quarry,' said Annie. 'It is indeed!' replied Cyril. 'The way they've stacked all the stones one on top of each other,' continued Annie, 'it makes it SOOOOOOO much easier to choose which one you want.' 'True, true,' replied Cyril, '.....try to keep your voice down.' 'Why?' asked Annie. 'It's late,' replied Cyril, 'the quarry pixies will be trying to sleep.' 'I hadn't thought of that!' whispered Annie, 'It makes you wonder why they have late night opening if that's the case.' 'I suppose they need the business?' replied Cyril. 'The cut and thrust world of granite quarrying has to be seen to be believed!' observed Annie. 'True again!' said Cyril 'And I find the dress code rather odd,' replied Annie. 'Took me by surprise,' agreed Cyril. 'I have to say I hardly knew it was you ...

'I said 4 small holes!' mooed Bertha. 'That is what I'm trying to do!' replied Horace. 'And they need to be square.' 'That's what I was aiming for!' 'Perhaps,' continued Bertha, 'but you'll have to unpick it.' 'Again?' said Horace desperately. 'Again!' replied Bertha. 'It's got to be right.' 'But I can't get it right!' pleaded Horace. 'Rubbish!' replied Bertha. 'It's just a question of practise.' 'But it's the ninth time!' sobbed Horace. 'So?' asked Bertha. 'Besides, it's character building.' 'I already have a character!' replied Horace. 'Which I am aware of, which is why I'm going easy on you,' said Bertha. 'Going easy on me?????'  'Norma asked me to,' replied Bertha. 'But it has to be right, Annie's life may depend upon it.' 'Could I have a break firs...