Cow Island

Morning all! Well I'm pleased to say that, thanks to some expert planning, things are running very smoothly indeed. I think it's reasonable to suggest that most of this is down to me....and so I will. After all it's one of the subtler points of good captaincy that you allow each member of the team to feel that they have contributed something while all the time knowing that without your own clear headed guidance things would have fallen apart long before. Annie's very basic notion had been built upon layer by layer until the end result is far beyond doubt. From where I stand I can see that Bertha has laid out the table and decorations while to my left the sounds of a busy kitchen greet my ears. And so I think I can say that the lucky couple can look forward to a Valentines day that will be second to none. I of course will maintain my position in the shadows, happy to play out my part with no expectation of thanks but secure in the knowledge of a job superbly done. Until ...

'Perhaps,' suggested Captain Bill, 'if we could just move in a little?' 'But I like it close to the edge,' said Horace, 'it makes me feel alive.' 'I'm sure it does,' replied Captain Bill, 'it's just I'm afraid that if I fall off I'll end up feeling dead....which I'd rather like to avoid.' 'But it's perfectly safe,' said Horace. And he jumped up and down a few times. 'Please don't do that!' said Captain Bill. 'After all we wouldn't want you to come to any harm, not with only a week to go.' 'That's what I wanted to talk to you about,' said Horace. 'I thought it might be,' replied Captain Bill. Horace sighed and looked out across the sea. 'I....I was wondering if you had any advice?' 'ME?' mooed Captain Bill. 'Well you are my Captain,' said Horace. 'Yes,' replied Captain Bill, '....erm.....well....erm, I suppose it's a bit like...

Norma stared at Bertha.......VERY, VERY HARD. 'Ha!' mooed Norma. 'You twitched!' 'Never,' said Bertha. 'You did!' replied Norma. 'Involuntary horn spasm,' said Bertha. 'Rubbish!' said Norma and she stared at Bertha again...VERY, VERY, VERY HARD. 'You did it again!' exclaimed Norma. 'That proves it! There is something going on!' 'No, no, no!' replied Bertha. 'There must be,' said Norma. 'You might think you're tough but you twitched....now what is it?' 'Nothing,' said Bertha. '.......what are you doing on the 14th?' 'Why?' 'Just asking,' said Bertha. 'Only you might want to leave it free.....around lunchtime.' Norma herded closer to Bertha. 'I know what day that is,' she said. 'Fine,' said Bertha, '.....maybe dress up a bit, nice shawl, smidge of lippy, catch you later.' And with that Bertha ran off. 'I thought you were a friend!...

'So I thought,' puffed Captain Bill. 'Well you thought wrong then,' replied Bertha. 'But,' gasped Captain Bill, '...actually could we just stop a second?' Bertha slowed down a tiny bit. 'After all, you are her friend,' said Captain Bill. 'And you're her Captain,' replied Bertha. 'Indeed,' agreed Captain Bill, 'and if it were something Captainy...but we both know this isn't.' 'So?' asked Bertha. 'Well just drop a general hint,' continued Captain Bill, 'just make sure she leaves the day free, there's no need to go into detail.' Bertha stopped at the top of the rise. 'And the table and all the arrangements?' 'I'll lend a hoof,' replied Captain Bill, 'get it done in half the time.' 'Hmm,' said Bertha. 'Brilliant!' said Captain Bill. 'You know it makes sense! But remember, only tell her the bare minimum.' 'That,' replied Bertha, ...

'And then,' said Captain Bill, 'there's the thorny problem of the menu.' 'Bertha's arranging the flowers,' replied Annie. 'So that's the starters taken care of,' continued Captain Bill. 'What about the main course?' 'Sedge Kiev,' said Cyril, 'in a dandelion sauce.' 'I like it!' mooed Captain Bill, 'I like it a lot!' 'So do I,' replied Cyril, 'that's why I made 50.' '50!' 'Not enough?' asked Cyril, 'I would happily make more.' 'Of course it's enough!' replied Captain Bill. 'Where are you going to keep them?' 'No problem,' said Cyril, 'I've eaten them.' Captain Bill looked at Cyril. 'You've set this whole thing up just so that you can scoff food!' 'Taste,' replied Cyril, 'I have tasted the food. You can't have an event of this importance and leave things to chance.' 'How many desserts?...

'But you do like her?' asked Captain Bill. 'Well...' began Horace. 'Look we all know very well that you do!' said Bertha. Horace glanced down at his hoofs. 'It's just.......difficult,' he said. 'Which is where we stampede in!' said Captain Bill. 'I'm not sure....' 'It'll be fine,' said Captain Bill. 'But...' 'It's going to be a meal for two,' continued Captain Bill. 'Cyril's doing the cooking, Annie to assist. Bertha's going to arrange the table, candles, cutlery, etc, etc and I'm in a sort of supervisory role. What could possibly go wrong?' 'Errrrr?' said Horace. 'And Geraldine's going to serve, 'added Cyril. 'It'll save on hiring a uniform.' 'Although we may still get her a hat,' added Captain Bill, 'depends on what the organising sub-committee think.' 'Organising sub-committee!' mooed Horace. And Annie did a little dance ...

'What he needs to do,' said Captain Bill, 'is make a gesture.' 'No Cyril!' said Bertha, 'Not that sort!' 'What he needs to do,' said Captain Bill, 'is to get her attention.' Annie raised a hoof. 'Without,' continued Captain Bill, 'the aid of a giant, 400 hundred hoof high, flashing neon knitted sign.' Annie put her hoof down again. 'This was my idea in the first place,' she reminded everyone. 'Perhaps,' suggested Captain Bill, 'he could fight a duel?' 'Does he have his own lipstick,' asked Bertha, 'or would you like me to provide one?' 'You're never going to let that drop are you?' said Captain Bill. 'I wasn't planning to,' replied Bertha. 'Years of mileage in it,' agreed Cyril. 'Wonderful!' said Captain Bill, 'but unless someone has a better idea?' 'Food,' said Cyril. 'You're obsessed aren't you!' said Captain B...

'So on one side,' said Cyril, 'there's the romantic notion of two people being brought together.' 'While on the other,' added Bertha, 'none of us can face another valentines day with the pair of them wandering around looking clinically depressed.' 'I'm with you on the second one,' said Captain Bill. 'Horace has already taken to the cliffs,' continued Bertha. 'Already?' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'How much paper has he got with him?' '5 reams,' replied Cyril, 'I saw him carrying them up there.' 'Which means two weeks of non stop poetry writing, 'said Captain Bill,' and then the horror that is valentines day!' 'When absolutely nothing will happen,' added Cyril. 'So Annie's had an idea,' said Bertha, 'to make sure that this year something actually occurs.' 'Well you can count me in,' said Captain Bill. 'A one, a two, a one, two, three, four!' moo...

'So,' began Captain Bill, 'unless you've all just developed a sudden interest in mending bits of old rope?' 'Which we've not,' said Bertha. 'Then I can safely assume you have another reason for being here?' 'Secret meeting,' replied Bertha. 'Things to discuss,' added Cyril. 'Shall I draw the blinds?' asked Annie. 'Erm?' said Captain Bill. 'Haven't actually got any, what with being outside. Could have some fitted, might cause a bit of a delay though.' 'We'll press on,' said Bertha. And so they did. 'It's about Norma and Horace,' said Bertha. 'What about them?' asked Captain Bill. 'They are but two individuals,' said Cyril. 'Well spotted,' replied Captain Bill. 'No he's not!' mooed Annie. 'He's the only one of us who isn't!' 'Hmm,' said Captain Bill, 'I suspect this may take some time.' And so he went to put the ke...

A ROSE I sat and waited on the day I sat and watched it slip away It crushed this heavy heart of mine Once more I'm not your valentine A card, a simple word or look A rose left fading in a book Your love it would be so divine But I am not your valentine The loneliness it presses down Presses me flat against the ground And when at last I try to rise The marks of stones left in my hide So let another year roll by Twelve months more to wonder why And if you ask I'll say I'm fine A lie, I'm not your valentine Thank you Horace