Cow Island

'Idiot!' shouted Captain Bill. 'I clearly indicated that we were turning to starboliarboliboard!' 'We turned to port,' mooed Norma. 'Did we?' said Captain Bill. 'Well anyway, they should have been looking where they were going. We clearly had right of way.' 'Perhaps we could turn back and help them?' suggested Norma. 'You must be joking!' replied Captain Bill. 'Besides the water's not very deep by the look of it. I doubt they'll sink....very far.' 'HARBOUR APPROACHING!' called out Bertha. 'Right,' said Captain Bill, 'do you think I should take control of the twirly thing?' 'Geraldine does seem to be coping,' replied Norma. 'Hmm,' you're probably right,' said Captain Bill. 'I shouldn't get myself lost in the minor details. A captain needs to maintain a wider view.' 'I think that would be wise,' replied Norma. 'But if anyt...

'But it's a higher tariff,' explained Bertha, 'because it's quite a tricky dive.' 'Is this going to go on for much longer?' asked Captain Bill. 'Oh don't be such a spoil sport!' replied Norma. So Geraldine did her dive and everyone applauded. 'I have to say she looks very at home in the water,' added Norma. 'She's a penguin!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'Of course she's going to look at home in the water! She's a penguin, it's where they live!' 'Just saying,' replied Norma. 'This is ridiculous!' continued Captain Bill. 'We've only been here for half an hour,' said Bertha. 'And for how long are we required to remain?' asked Captain Bill, 'or didn't Ms Nutter specify?' 'You're only saying that...' called out Annie but the rest of her words were drowned out by Geraldine taking another dive. 'It's almost as if she were ...

'But,' began Captain Bill, 'would we be better off just pausing for a while and asking ourselves, do we really need to do this? 'Yes we do,' replied Bertha. 'Off you go!' Captain Bill hesitated. 'It might just ...wash ashore?' he suggested. 'No,' replied Bertha, 'it's the Mootilus, it's sunk, it needs a rope attaching to it...off you go!' 'Why me?' asked Captain Bill. 'Because you're a brave, heroic, duel fighting captain,' replied Bertha. 'Off you go!' 'Cyril would have more buoyancy.' 'But I need Cyril to help to pull it ashore,' replied Bertha. 'Off you go!' 'And why have you tied the rope around my neck?' asked Captain Bill. 'You wouldn't want to drop it halfway,' replied Bertha, 'that would be a waste of everyones time...off you go!' 'But?' began Captain Bill. 'It's getting very close to pointy stick time,...

'But you've got to come!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Sorry,' said Cyril,' but you need to be as fast as possible. I'd just slow you down.' 'But that just leaves me and Camille!' said Captain Bill. 'I'm sure you'll be very happy together,' replied Cyril. But she doesn't know anything about sailing!' said Captain Bill. 'Great!' said Cyril. 'You've already got so much in common!' 'But she doesn't know that I'm not a proper C...A...P...T...A...I...N anymore,' whispered Captain Bill. Cyril stopped pushing the Mootilus. 'Really?' he asked. 'I'd have thought she'd worked that out a long time ago.' 'Which means I shouldn't really be sailing,' continued Captain Bill. 'But you are!' replied Cyril. 'So bon voyage to the both of you.' and he gave the Mootilus one last shove. 'All you need to do is sink the pirates and you'll be a hero!' he...

'Well almost finished!' said Norma cheerily. 'Yes, I suppose so,' replied Captain Bill. 'Tell me, have, have you noticed that it's getting a bit muddy?' 'I suppose it's bound to,' replied Norma,' it's had been rather wet for a while.' 'True,' replied Captain Bill. 'I mean,' said Norma,'first it was snow and then it was water, I suppose we should have expected it.' 'Hmmm,' replied Captain Bill,'I suppose so, still at least I've managed not to get any on me.' And Norma wondered what would be for the best and ended up saying nothing. 'Do you,' said Captain Bill,'do you think I should call a meeting and thank everybody for their help? Would it be a Captainy thing to do.' 'Oh yes!' replied Norma,'although Cyril only helped for a few minutes....and Annie didn't help because of being wrapped up in cotton wool....and I've not seen Horace for simply ages...but it w...

'No, no, no!' said Cyril,'and if you don't mind me saying, you've made this mistake before.' 'Really?' replied Captain Bill...who was clearly struggling. 'Oh yes!' said Cyril,'and besides, it's not just the size of the bucket that counts but also the number of trips that you make.' Captain Bill stopped and put down his buckets. 'I've been here since 10am yesterday,' he said,'I've only had 4 hours sleep. You turned up 5 MINUTES AGO!' 'There's no need to shout,' replied Cyril,'I had a dental appointment, very important things teeth, couldn't be missed.' 'But we don't have a dentist!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Well then it's no wonder I took so long,' replied Cyril,'having to go 'off island'. You should be thankful I got back a quickly as I did.' And with that he put down his buckets and started to walk away. 'Where do you think you're going?' ...

Morning all, your Captain speaking. No doubt you'll have worked out my little deception from yesterday. This time of year can be pretty depressing. Winter coming to an end, Spring yet to get going. Not much to do. So by stepping back and allowing the girls to carry a few buckets of water I've managed to ensure that fitness levels stay high and nobody has time to stand around getting bored. Of course this sort of top command decision doesn't just happen by accident. There's been years of careful study coupled with a natural sense of how to get the best from those beneath you. Bertha has been talking about getting everyone to help..but frankly, there's not much chance of that! Take care Captain Bill

Hello everyone, Norma here. Well I have to say, Bertha's idea seems to be working! She's fixed up the pump and even as we speak the huge wobbly tower of highly dangerous water is being emptied into the sea. It'll take a while but I think it just goes to show how things can be done if we all just work together. Apart from that Captain Bill is having one last go at trying to find which fish took his spoon...I'm not sure it's worth it but it's up to him. Finally I think I shall be able to untie Annie and take the cotton wool off! So, all in all, it's as pretty near an ordinary day as one could wish for. Well I do hope you all have a jolly nice weekend. Have fun and perhaps go for a nice walk on Sunday morning. Bye Norma

Right, morning all, well I tried waiting for someone else to do the job. Failed! Honestly, even when you come up with a good idea, other people are useless at putting it into action. So I've slung together a makeshift pump. One end into the big wobbly tower of water and the other can point towards the sea. I've drawn up a rota for operating it, shouldn't take more than a few days. Then we can all get on with some proper jobs! Might even find time to fit in a bit of sculpture. Right, take care, have fun! Bertha

'I got to her just in time!' said Norma. 'Well done,' said Captain Bill. 'Luckily,' replied Norma,' Geraldine realised the danger and managed to distract her by miming the arias from several romantic, yet tragic, light operettas!' 'Top Penguin!' mooed Captain Bill. 'So most of this would be...?' 'Cotton wool,' replied Norma,'although there's a couple of thick blankets underneath as well and I've searched her for concealed trombones and the kettle drum tree won't blossom until the end of next month so we should be in the clear!' 'Excellent!' said Captain Bill,'although you made that last bit up didn't you?' And Norma confessed that she had. 'Right,'said Captain Bill,'so that's everything sorted then!' 'Well apart from the huge tower of dangerously unstable water that we're standing next to,' replied Norma. 'Oh yes!' said Captain Bill,'I'd forgot...

'...a really sudden thaw!' said Captain Bill. 'That was sudden!' said Bertha. 'Very sudden,' agreed Norma. 'I don't think I've ever seen one more sudden?' added Bertha. 'Can I,' said Captain Bill, 'can I suggest that we all remain very, very still and talk very, very quietly?' 'I think you can!' replied Norma. So Norma, Bertha and Captain Bill remained very, very still and very, very quiet and looked at the huge tower of wobbly water that stood in front of them. 'So,' said Captain Bill,' that's us standing very still and being very quite then!' 'And Cyril's right down at the far end of the Pier,' said Bertha. 'So,' said Captain Bill,'that's the three of us standing very still and being very quiet and Cyril down at the far end of the Pier.' 'Horace is probably writing poetry,' whispered Norma,'that won't make much noise, he only uses a soft pencil.' So,...

'Well it shouldn't be beyond us,' said Norma, 'all we need to do is pull together, get fit and try our very, very best.' Captain Bill herded across until he was just in front of Norma. 'You do it deliberately don't you?' he said but Norma just looked back at him. 'Anyway,' he continued, 'we can hardly pull together when two of us aren't here in the first place!' The 'place' was a pretty river bank on King Otto's Island. Captain Bill, Norma, Bertha, Annie and Geraldine were enjoying a tasty picnic in the late afternoon sunshine but of Horace and Cyril there was no sign. 'Well,' said Norma,'Horace has gone to get some proper poetry paper and should be back shortly, and Bertha and I have already decided that Cyril isn't on the team.' 'Why not?' mooed Captain Bill, 'don't tell me he's getting away with doing nothing again!' 'Well I'm afraid,' replied Bertha, 'that we ...