Cow Island

'SHE LET THEM GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!' 'You came completely off the ground just then,' Norma remarked. 'Is it any wonder?' Captain Bill gasped. 'Couldn't you have broken the news to me in some other way?' 'I suppose I could have let Bertha tell you? She was quite keen to do so.' 'I retract my criticism,' said Captain Bill. 'But really! Camille let them go?' 'She said that she thought that even the most notorious pirates deserved a second chance. She also added that she needed to sell the vineyard and having a prison attached to it was affecting the price.' 'Hopeless!' Captain Bill mooed. 'Absolutely hopeless!.....Where are they now?' 'Well,  pirates don't tend to leave forwarding addresses,' Norma replied. 'I think the best we can say is that Flossie and his pirate flock are once again loose upon the high seas.' 'I knew something like this would happen. I said we shoul...

'Nice of you to join us,' mooed Norma. 'As always, a pleasure for you to see me again,' replied Cyril. 'And, in an added bonus, I'm pleased to be able to announce that my, long awaited, wine report is now ready!' Geraldine handed an old, slightly torn, bottle label to Camille and indicated toward the writing on the back of it. 'Is this it?' she asked. Cyril doffed his beret. 'If there's anything that's too technical, don't hesitate to ask.' 'It says, 'Not bad',' replied Camille, 'and it is written in pencil.' 'I would have got my secretary to type it up,' said Cyril, 'but she was otherwise occupied as a result of being tied to a giant spring.' 'So,' continued Camille, 'you 'ave spent, like, one squillion weeks drinking ma wine and your assessment is...'Not bad'?' 'It is an expert opinion,' added Cyril. 'Small comfort,' repli...

'It looks far too much like exercise to me!' said Cyril. 'Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!' called out Annie, as she bounced past. 'It's fun! And it's not too difficult once you've got bouncing! Actually, I am beginning to suspect, that now I'm underway, things could go on indefinitely.'  'You could never do it with a full glass of wine.'  'Hmmmmmmmm?' replied Annie, as she bounced back again. 'Possibly you could get away with using a very long straw. I would have a hard think thunk about it, but I'm afraid my brain is extra wobbly at the moment.' 'I doubt it'll harm you?' said Cyril. 'There are moments when it seems a positive help!' mooed Annie. 'Excellent!' said Cyril. 'I shall look forward to the results.' 'I'll let you have a look inside my ears later on,' replied Annie, 'and you can let me know what you see.' 'Terrific!' said Cyril. ...

'And then I got to thinking, are we misjudging him?'  'Perhaps?' replied Camille. 'Perhaps, we 'ave all misjudged 'im? Perhaps Cyril is a truly honest person? Perhaps rather than suspecting the worst of 'im, we should hope for the best? Perhaps if we show trust in 'im, we will all be rewarded and enriched by the experience? And perhaps, while we are in this more experimental phase, I should stick ma 'ead into this mangle and get little Blanche to crank the 'andle?' 'If I didn't know better, I'd suspect you of taking sarcasm lessons from Bertha,' mooed Captain Bill. 'She isn't charging me as I am a friend,' replied Camille. 'But he is an acknowledged expert in wine,' continued Captain Bill. 'Even I can't deny that.' 'And you're not known for your denial of reality!' pointed out Camille. '..........................................I just don't understand w...

'And you're seriously asking me to stop?' asked Cyril. 'Yes!' said Captain Bill. 'Even though I'm barely half way through my assessment?' 'Still,' replied Captain Bill, 'as your captain, I am asking you to cease.' 'Hmm?' pondered Cyril. 'As your captain,' repeated Captain Bill. 'Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll,' said Cyril. 'If you're sure?' 'Oh, yes!' replied Captain Bill. 'I suppose you have the authority?' 'I do!' 'And you must have your reasons?' 'It is at Ms Camille's request.' 'Ah!' said Cyril. 'I see.' 'So if you'd oblige?' 'Of course,' replied Cyril. 'Your wish is my......' 'Thank you!' mooed Captain Bill and he turned to go. 'She'll be very grateful,' said Cyril. 'Mmm?' 'I was just thinking, she'll be very grateful...Ms Cami...

'And...and...and another thing......if....if he likes me, why doesn't he just say so? Why doesn't, why doesn't......................where've you gone?                  There you are!!! You're tiny! You're tiny, tiny...tiny..............tiny person!                                           And and another thing...if, if he likes me. Have I already said this? Wellitdoesn'tmatter...if, if he likes me.       Have you always been this small? Cus when, when, when..........................What was I saying? It was, it was, no, no, it was...or was it? Anyhow, why doesn't he...You're tiny! I was tiny once, ages and ages ago, I was, I was about this big. Oooh! Everything moved! Everything went movey, movey. Do try to stand still when you're moving, please. Pleased to be sitting, standing, still because otherwise............otherw...

'Hmm,' said Cyril, 'I think I begin to see where you're going wrong.' 'By feeding you an endless supply of ma best wine?' replied Camille. 'You'll be thanking me soon enough,' said Cyril. 'I think you'll find it very educational.' 'Well, it's certainly a lesson that neither maself or ma little students will ever forget,' replied Camille. Cyril took a long draw through both straws and thought for a while. 'Could you open another bottle of the '04?' he asked. 'But you 'ave already 'ad 3 bottles!' mooed Camille. 'Really?' replied Cyril. 'Best open 2 then. It normally takes me at least 5 bottles to assess a vintage.' But Camille was saved from the dilemma of whether or not to open the bottles by the timely arrival of Norma. 'Just thought I'd pop by and see how things are going?' she said. 'Fine from where I'm standing,' replied Cyril. ...

'But 'ow does me buying 150 clockwork chickens 'elp me run a vineyard?' asked Camille. 'Many, badly informed, people would ask exactly the same question,' replied Cyril. 'Maybe I could meet them?' suggested Camille. 'We would 'ave something in common.' 'They cost almost nothing to run,' continued Cyril. 'I am still thinking a great big, ten hoof high, non!' replied Camille. 'Which is where you'd be making a serious error,' said Cyril. 'I've invested everything I have into steam driven quail,' mooed Annie. 'And have you regretted it?' asked Cyril. 'I am a happier, calmer, person and may run for election,' read Annie from a printed card. 'See!' said Cyril. 'What better recommendation could you ask for?' 'And my horns are shinier after just 3 treatments,' added Annie. 'It just keeps getting better!' said Cyril. 'But ma 'orn...

'I just don't want you taking advantage of the situation,' explained Norma. 'ME?' exclaimed Cyril. 'You!' replied Norma. 'Never even crossed my mind,' said Cyril. 'Mr Lord Sir Cyril of Cashupfrontshire would never do anything like that,' mooed Annie. 'See!' said Cyril. 'An unsolicited testimonial!' 'Best put an ice pack on it,' said Annie. 'If we could concentrate?' continued Norma. 'Camille's a lady of...reasonable standards and I don't want you doing anything to lower them...any further than they already gone.' 'I give you my word,' said Cyril. 'I could give you lots of words,' added Annie. 'Saucepan, Friday, effervescent, bum, spinach...' 'Probably enough,' said Norma. 'You're the boss!' replied Annie. 'but do say if you want any more. I've got a bunch starting with 'w' that are going out of date. I could do...

'And so I found myself thinking, would it really be so wrong to invest all the school funds into buying ma own vineyard?' explained Camille. 'Well?' mooed Norma. 'After all it would still be an 'ighly educational, hooves on, experience for ma little students.' 'True!' said Norma. 'And I certainly, never for a moment, considered them as a source of cheap, 14 hours a day, every 4th weekend off, type labour.' 'Errrrrr?' said Norma. 'And they still get all the usual lessons,' continued Camille. 'Writing? Those bottle labels don't do themselves! Maths? 'ow many bottles can we squeeze out of that barrel? Chemistry? If we add that will we kill anyone? Religion? Let's all pray that their parents don't find out! And all in the 'ealthy outdoors.' 'Right,' said Norma. 'And the physical exercise is a 'no brainer'!' 'You don't think some people might see it a...

'Ah!' said Captain Bill. 'I didn't think it would take you long to put in an appearance.' 'I was worried about you,' replied Cyril. 'I said as much to Horace. I must go and see how they are, I said, you follow on when you're ready.' 'And what aspect of us being in a vineyard was causing you particular concern?' asked Captain Bill. 'So many potential hazards,' replied Cyril. 'You could easily catch your hat on a twig.' 'Or slip on a slightly larger than usual grape?' suggested Captain Bill. 'Could happen,' said Cyril. 'Well it'll come as some relief to you then to find that we're all OK.' 'Indeed!' said Cyril. 'Might as well stick around though, now that I'm here. Introduce myself to the locals, whoever they might be?' 'Vinelandianians!' mooed Annie. 'Quite possibly,' agreed Cyril. 'Captain Thingimy has already made friends with ...

'We should have left sooner,' mooed Horace. 'Possibly,' replied Cyril. 'And I shouldn't have had that last lemon drizzle cake,' 'No you shouldn't,' agreed Cyril. 'I should have.' Do you think they're very far ahead of us?' 'Does it matter?' 'I worry about them, well, Norma mostly.' 'They'll be fine,' replied Cyril. 'They've got Norman with them. There's no need to rush. Actually, I could do with  a nap.' But we've only just got going!' 'In my experience, it's best to have a nap as soon into a journey as you can, or better still, forget the journey and stay at home, put your hooves up and eat something substantial.' 'They might be just over that next rise?' suggested Horace. Well, why don't you run ahead and have a look and I'll make a thorough investigation of the grass under this tree.' 'I'm not sure I want to g...

'That's 1st Time Author as well!' mooed Bertha. 'GO GERALDINE!' screamed Norma. 'Oooooooooooooooooooh!' said Bertha. 'She's seen us.' 'Wave for me,' said Norma. So Bertha waved and Geraldine waved back. 'We know her,' said Norma to no-one in particular. 'She is a close personal friend,' added Bertha. 'Are there....are there any nibbles?' asked Norma. 'Hang on,' replied Bertha, 'I'll have a look.........Yes! On the table.' 'Most excellent,' mooed Norma. 'Now where is the table?' 'It's here,' replied Bertha and she banged her head on the table to indicate it's location. 'Oh goodie!' said Norma, 'and is there just a drop more wine?' 'Er?' replied Bertha, '....er.....no!' 'Bleh!' said Norma. 'I agree,' replied Bertha. 'Waiter......Waiter..........WAITER!' 'Right,' said Captain Bill, 'that's it! I...

250 crates!' exclaimed Captain Bill. '250 crates!' 'Cases,' corrected Cyril, '250 cases. Wine is sold in cases.' 'I don't care!' replied Captain Bill, 'what I really care about is the fact that they're all in my name!' 'Well they have to have a name,' said Cyril, 'people won't deliver them without a name. The chap at the chateau was quite clear about that.' 'But it's MY name!' 'Just looks better on paper,' replied Cyril, 'has a sort of calm aire of authority about it. You should be proud of it. If I had a name that looked that good I'd be using it all the time.' 'But you are using it all the time!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Just proves how good a name it is,' replied Cyril. 'And just how did you, we, I pay for all of it?' Cyril looked puzzled. 'You know,' he replied, 'now you come to mention it...I'm not entirely sure I can recall.'

'But I didn't do anything wrong!' said Cyril. 'You told them you were a Count!' mooed Captain Bill. '...Slip of the tongue,' replied Cyril, 'besides...no harm done.' 'But you're always doing it!' continued Captain Bill. 'Why couldn't you just...not do it?' 'Just seems to add a certain something,' replied Cyril. 'Six months if you get found out!' suggested Captain Bill. 'Never!' replied Cyril. 'Anyway I made a few purchases, that's all they're bothered about.' 'Hmmm,' said Captain Bill, 'and how exactly did you pay for them?' Cyril looked hurt. 'If this causes Ms Camille any problems!' said Captain Bill. But Cyril promised him that it wouldn't. 'It's just a few bottles,' he added. Captain Bill glanced across at the case and then at Cyril and then turned and herded away. 'I'm having the rest delivered,' muttered Cyril after he'd left.

'So did I do anything really embarrassing?' asked Norma. Horace thought about it. 'Define embarrassing?' he said at last. 'Oooooooh!' replied Norma. And for a while she lay in the soft, soft grass. 'So did I sing?' 'For a bit,' replied Horace,'...but Camille didn't know how to translate some of the words.' 'Phew!' exclaimed Norma,'by the way,' she added, 'thanks for getting me out of there.' 'Actually,' replied Horace, 'you sort of got yourself out. It was when Camille suggested you might give the bottle back and you refused and then ran off with it. I just tagged along.' And for a while Norma closed her eyes and thought kind thoughts. 'Perhaps I should just stick to water for a while?' she suggested. Horace agreed. And for a while Norma thought about how she was going to apologise to Camille and Captain Bill. But luckily for Norma, Captain Bill was otherwise occupied.

'Ah! So 'ere you are!' mooed Camille. 'Just having a little look around,' replied Captain Bill. 'Excellent,' said Camille, 'only I was 'oping, if you could spare a moment?' 'Of course,' replied Captain Bill, 'just name the task.' 'Well,' began Camille, 'it's like this, now don't get me wrong because I really like Norma.' 'Don't we all!' said Captain Bill. 'Indeed,' continued Camille, 'but I have told 'er like eleventy billion times already, that when you are at a wine tasting you 'ave just a little glass and you 'ave to spit it out.' 'Really?' asked Captain Bill. 'Oh yes!' confirmed Camille. 'And just what part of that is Norma having trouble with?' said Captain Bill. 'Well mostly,' replied Camille,'...all of it!' 'So she's got a large glass?' suggested Captain Bill. 'Oh no!' replied Camille, 'by the t...

'OK, so 'e says that you are all very welcome and 'e's very 'appy because today 'e's already 'ad like a really important guest arrive,' explained Camille. Cyril?' suggested Captain Bill. 'Comte Cyril of Wineshire 'as indeed arrived,' confirmed Camille, 'and the owner 'ere says 'e was particularly impressed because Monsieur Comte was closely followed by 'is butler!' 'Geraldine!' mooed Bertha. 'I feel I may have been outwitted,' added Norma. 'It would be an easy mistake to make,' said Captain Bill. 'So I'm wondering what advice you might all 'ave for myself,' asked Camille, 'should I die of embarrassment now or 'ang on for a bit?' 'Tricky?' replied Captain Bill. But Bertha and Norma both said that they'd been embarrassed by Cyril on numerous occasions and they'd both survived and that the best thing to do was to press on regardless. So, ra...

'What did he say?' asked Cyril. 'He didn't,' replied Horace. 'Right,' said Cyril. 'I did ask but he just shrugged his horns,' continued Horace. 'Right,' said Cyril. 'And then I asked him about the nearest publisher and he gave exactly the same response.' 'Can't say that bothers me quite so much,' replied Cyril. 'So what do we do now?' asked Horace. Cyril looked around him. 'Have you seen any pointy sticks?' he asked. 'Errrrrrrrm.....no!' replied Horace. 'Right,' said Cyril again,'well I'd suggest that you have a wander around and see if you can find a good restaurant.' 'Why does it have to be me?' asked Horace. Cyril was just about to explain that it was because Horace was closer when Norma herded up to them. 'Come on!' she said, 'Camille wants to show us around somewhere.' 'Is it a library?' asked Horace. 'No,' replied Norma,'...but I ...

You've not heard from him for a while.....and even now he's working! He's back, he's here..........and you love him! It'ssssssss CYRILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! Morning mon petite chumlettes, Where I asked myself, where's the one place you might expect to find a teacher and her pupils? Answer: At the beach! Only they're not here! But they could arrive at any moment and so until then I might as well make myself at home. If the young ones are to give a good account of themselves they'll need to be getting a good diet and who better to check out the available food and drink? Rhetorical question....it's me! Now I don't want you thinking that I'm just eating strawberries and drinking a good chilled white. I'm working (note that word, this is all from a sense of duty) my way through the entire beach bar menu! Such selfless sacrifice! Is that a kebab I can smell? Right must get on, do have an enjoyable day....whatever it is that you do?...