Cow Island

'And if you tie books to your horns overnight the words fall into your head.' 'Really?' asked Cyril. 'Really,' replied Annie, 'but you have to get up very slowly in the morning otherwise the words get all jumblified.' 'Well that's fine with me,' said Cyril, 'I've never been in favour of rushing to get up.' 'I wouldn't be surprised if you could become a professor by the end of the year,' added Annie. 'I think I might be already,' replied Cyril, 'I forget which certificates I've printed off.' 'Ooooooh!' mooed Annie. 'Look! Tulips!' 'Very nice,' said Cyril, 'it makes you feel as if winter really is coming to an end and that brighter, warmer, longer days are just around the corner...let's eat them.' 'Yippee!' said Annie.

'Oh! Well done!' mooed Norma. 'You've got the top open.' Captain Bill looked at Norma. 'I'm managing perfectly well on my own, thank you very much.' 'So I can see,' replied Norma, 'I mean, just a week to get an envelope open!' 'Sarcasm does not become you,' said Captain Bill. 'Anyway I'm sure you've got something better to do?' 'Not really,' said Norma. 'Walking with Horace?' suggested Captain Bill. 'He wants to wait until the weather is a bit more miserable,' replied Norma, '...it's a poet thing.' 'Annie then?' 'I was going to go to the library with her but Cyril's volunteered to do that.' 'Library,' asked Captain Bill. 'She wants to see if Bertha's got any books that might help with her teacher training,' replied Norma. 'She's still pursuing that then?' 'It would seem so,' replied Norma. 'So are you going to look i...

'Right,' said Flossie, 'Dave?' 'Passed,' replied Lefty. 'Thought he would,' said Flossie. 'Never really in doubt,' replied Lefty, 'and his hat stayed on.' 'Top pirate!' said Flossie. 'Now.....I notice there's a tick against Harriet's name?' 'Knew you'd spot that,' replied Lefty, 'strictly speaking we have to pass her as we failed to supply all the required safety equipment.' 'It used to be so much easier,' bleated Flossie. 'And....if it's OK with you,' said Lefty, 'I've passed Mum as well.' 'Hmm,' replied Flossie. Ticks the demographics box,' pointed out Lefty, 'doing our bit for the older pirates...and we'll get a grant to put a ramp in on the ship.' Winning all around!' said Flossie. 'Is that all then?' 'That's us done,' replied Lefty. 'Only a week this time.' 'Fine!' said Flossie. 'Fancy just r...

'No....no it's just not working!' bleated Flossie. 'She did get a bit further that time,' replied Lefty. 'Indeed,' agreed Flossie, 'but still, got to be realistic.' 'She'd be keen to have one more go,' suggested Lefty. 'Her decision,' replied Flossie, 'wouldn't want to deny her the opportunity....but still.' 'The thing is,' said Lefty, 'she's a little sensitive...about the whole age thing.' 'Understandable,' replied Flossie, 'we're none of us getting any younger.' 'I did wonder, if we could attach the frame to the rope, if it would give her more to hang onto?' 'Hmm,' said Flossie, 'nice idea, see where you're coming from, not sure I'd want to risk it.' 'OK!' replied Lefty, 'could you, could you lend a hoof to dig her out?' 'Be a privilege,' said Flossie.

Flossie looked at Lefty. 'Can't be helped,' said Lefty. 'It's just.....not very piratey,' replied Flossie. Lefty shrugged his shoulders. OK!' said Flossie. 'In your own time,' bleated Lefty. 'Shouldn't there be some sort of safety harness?' asked Harriet. 'Actually, there probably should be,' said Lefty. 'Oh!' said Harriet. 'Well,' began Flossie, 'the point is, and go with me on this, what you have to imagine is, we're at sea engaged in mortal combat with an enemy ship.' 'Cannon firing,' suggested Lefty. 'Cannon firing,' agreed Flossie. 'Somebody running with a pointy sword,' suggested Lefty. 'Could easily happen,' conceded Flossie, 'blood's up, heat of the moment and all, and then I give the order, 'Board the enemy ship!'. Now what you have to ask yourself is, could we expect them to hang on for half an hour while we rig you up a safety harness?' ...

'He's looking good!' bleated Lefty. 'Can't fault him,' replied Flossie, 'either you've got it or you haven't...and he has.' 'If you ask me he's even more slightly threatening than he used to be.' 'Growing into the role,' replied Flossie, 'I've seen it before, sign of a good pirate that.' 'And of course the extra height helps,' added Lefty. 'True,' replied Flossie. 'Now, everything ready?' 'Think so,' said Lefty, 'rope's been tested, space in clear, just a wee bit concerned about the hat.' 'Hat?' asked Flossie. 'Just thought, if it blows off, would we lose the threat element?' 'Good point!' bleated Flossie. 'I mean seeing that we've taken him on because of that aspect...be a shame to lose it.' 'Length of string?' suggested Flossie. 'Top idea!' replied Lefty. 'That's why I'm here,' replied Flossie. So a len...

'Strange?' bleated Lefty. 'It was working.' 'MUM!' shouted Flossie. 'MUM!' shouted Lefty, 'Mum!....I only put them in yesterday.' 'Where did you?...' 'From a magazine,' replied Lefty, 'Mum!.....Maybe just press on.' 'If you're sure?' asked Flossie. 'I'll explain to her later, it's more of a refresher course for her anyway.' 'No probs,' said Flossie. 'So ...er....well I'd like to welcome you all, thanks for turning up, new pirates are highly valued members of staff and it's for that reason that we put you through our intensive training programme so that by the end of the course you will have acquired a high skill value that is 2nd to none within the pirate community.' 'Will there be a certificate?' asked Harriet. 'Er?' said Flossie. Lefty shook his head. 'No,' said Flossie, 'but rest assured, if we hear any news of a certificate laden ship passi...