Cow Island

'...which was why it proved trickier than I imagined,' concluded Captain Bill. 'Right!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'And so to sum up,' continued Captain Bill, 'it clearly wasn't my fault.' 'OK!'  said Queen Phoebe. 'And it's also why,' pursued Captain Bill, 'in my opinion, all harbours would be better off having at least two exits...or maybe three...or four.' 'Perhaps I'll have a word with someone when I get back?' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Excellent idea!' said Captain Bill, 'and err.....the stones?' 'Keep them,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Most generous!' said Captain Bill. 'Not sure we've got much use for them though...perhaps Bertha could sculpt something with them? Incidentally it goes without saying that if Bertha had been doing her job as I asked her to none of this would have happened.' 'I HEARD THAT!' mooed Bertha. 'Although the main res...

'Port!' mooed Captain Bill, 'Port! Port! PORT!' 'But that is port!' shouted Horace. 'Is it?' asked Captain Bill. 'What month is it?' 'Does that make any difference?' asked Horace. 'Of course it does!' replied Captain Bill. 'Or does it? Where's Norma?' 'I think she's with Queen Phoebe?' 'Typical!' replied Captain Bill. 'Now.....slightly starboilarboilboard...bit more...bit more....noooowwwww steady.....steady....port! Port man! PORT! LEFT! RIGHT! UP! DOWN! LEFT!' 'But I don't think I can make it go up and down,' said Horace, 'not with the twirly whirly.' 'It's called a wheel!' mooed Captain Bill. 'I don't think I care,' replied Horace, 'I still can't make the ship go up...or down for that matter.' 'Always excuses!' called out Captain Bill. 'Ah! Wait! Wait! Port...no starboiliarboli...no port...no...no.....

Good morning everyone!  Now it's been a very long time since we had a chat but that's no excuse for allowing bad posture to creep in, so do sit up straight! How are you? Unlike some people I really am interested. Have you managed to do any studying? A course or two perhaps? Push the boundaries and never be afraid to fail! Now I'm reading the book on sculpture first, if I try knitting while my lovely captain is getting us underway I'll drop too many stitches. You might notice a few changes, I think the plants soften things up a little and the hat keeps the sun off as there's no shade at all up here. As for leaving the harbour, for those of you familiar with our escapades you might expect me to report that we've been going around in circles for the last few hours but interestingly I can report that we've also achieved several ovals, a square and a rhomboid! We've not actually hit anything as long as you don't include glancing blows and Ann...

'I've just popped down for a moment,' said Bertha, 'it's not as if we're even moving yet!' 'Well you shouldn't have!' replied Captain Bill, 'you're required to be at a constant state of high alert. What have you got with you anyway?' 'It's just a couple of books and some knitting,' explained Bertha. 'Fine!' replied Captain Bill, 'so when we're being boarded by hostile forces and I'm wondering why nobody saw them coming at least I'll know that it was in part because my lookout was trawling through the last couple of chapters of some cheap romance!' 'One's on the theory of sculpture and the other is on indexing problems in libraries,' said Bertha. 'Wonderful!' replied Captain Bill, 'well I shall be able to draw some small measure of comfort when pierced through with cutlasses that you weren't completely wasting your time...and the knitting?' 'Noth...

'The thing is,' said Captain Bill, 'it's a very tricky job and quite different from Queening. I mean there's hardly any waving involved...and there's maps, lots of maps and charts and bits of paper and you wouldn't believe the decisions you have to make, it's constant, you'd be bored by it, it's tiresome and...' 'But One wants to be Captain,' interrupted Queen Phoebe, 'One's even 'ad an 'at run up especially like.' 'If it were only as easy as putting a hat on,' replied Captain Bill, 'and there's years of study, exams, further exams, resitting exams...more resitting, pleading with the examiners...and don't forget the bare minimum requirement is that you need to be able to tell your port from your starboliarboliboard.' 'But I've got you to do that for me,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'HA!' called out Bertha from the cows nest. 'See!' mooed Captain Bill, '...

No!' mooed Captain Bill, 'No! No! No! No! No!' 'Is that to going to the pirate jamboree or to Queen Phoebe coming with us?' asked Norma. 'All of it!' replied Captain Bill. 'But we've already talked to you about going to the pirate jamboree and you agreed that we could!' 'I've changed my mind,' replied Captain Bill, 'it would be wrong of me, as your captain, to let you place your lives...and mine...in danger.' 'But we all want to go,' pointed out Norma, 'and we've all said so...and we've taken a vote...and signed a form...and then taken a 2nd vote.' 'But as it clearly needs pointing out,' replied Captain Bill, 'this is not a democracy! We have a leader and so these decisions are mine and mine alone.' 'But you voted to go as well,' said Norma. '..........................................................................................I misunderstood the questi...

'And so,' said Norma, 'as we always expected,' and here Norma crossed her hooves, 'Annie's idea has yielded the vital information that we were searching for.' 'One is most relieved to hear it!' replied Queen Phoebe. ''Which means we can  move confidently, 'and here Norma crossed another couple of hooves, 'into what we're calling 'phase finally getting on with it'.' 'About bloomin' time!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Indeed!' said Norma, 'and even as we speak a crack team, 'and here Norma tried to cross yet more hooves and came perilously close to falling over, 'are preparing the good ship Pickled Heifer for an intense period of voyaging to hostile shores to recover your Queeninesses's crown.' 'Yipp,' replied Queen Phoebe, 'eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Now how long is it likely to take?' 'Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllll,' said Norma, 'I've...