Cow Island

'So, as soon as Jean Claude 'ere showed me the leaflet, I said to maself that for the sake of ma little students I must attend!' '......................................What other choice did you have?' Captain Bill replied. 'Exactament!' Camille continued. 'And of course I do not need to explain to you that the trip is entirely for educational purposes and not in any way an excuse for me to get a free 'oliday and 'ang around film stars...'ave you seen any yet?' 'Afraid not,' Captain Bill replied. 'I was 'oping for a few autographs...to show the parents when we get back you understand. Perhaps a photo? Myself, the leading man, 'aving dinner on a terrace overlooking a bay...'is private yacht in the background?' 'For purely educational purposes?' Captain Bill replied. 'Indeed!' Camille nodded. 'Also, the bit about them needing actors. Would you know if that was paid work by any ch...

'Are you sure you're sure?' asked Norma. 'But of course!' replied Camille. 'Myself and ma little students are as one in this matter, although clearly their parents must never find out.' 'I'm still not convinced that running a school is any sort of preparation for running a prison.' 'Oh! You'd be surprised,' replied Camille. 'But they're a flock of hardened criminals with a long history of nefarious activities,' added Norma. 'And I am but a teacher with a plastic ruler and a deeply rooted hostility towards a society that I feel 'as failed to provide me with a better lot in life,' replied Camille. 'You have a point,' conceded Norma, 'and it would save us from having to take them all the way back to King Otto's.' 'And I get the cheap labour that is vital to ma vineyard,' replied Camille. '...........Not that this thought 'as 'ad any influence over me...........

'Your little students are just the right size for bouncy castle inflating,' said Norma. 'Indeed!' mooed Camille. 'And I can pass it off as some sort of progressive sports and well being activity.' 'Once it's finished we should get it into place.' 'Yesss,' replied Camille. 'Now, my good and rather put upon friend, Norma, if you do not mind me making the observation, your plan does strike me as being, 'ow you say, slightly daft?' 'I know,' sighed Norma, 'and it worries me. It worries me greatly. Our plans are normally, ridiculously, absurdly bonkers. The problem is I've come to rely too much on Annie in these sort of situations. I do wish I could talk to her about it.' 'There is still no sign of her?' 'Cyril and Norman are out looking for her. Cyril will find her.' 'You think she will 'ave a better plan?' Norma thought hard. 'I'm not sure that better is th...

'And 'ere we are at last!' Camille explained. 'We stand before the entrance of the grotto of ma ancestors, in the grove of ma ancestors, in the woodland of ma ancestors, it is like, 'ow you say, for me, a sacred place.' 'There is a sign upon the door,' observed Captain Bill. 'It is only notification of ma planning application,' mooed Camille. 'Oh?' 'I am 'oping to knock it all down and build a dozen luxury apartments,' replied Camille. 'If I can pull it off I'll be in 'andbag 'eaven!' 'Right,' said Captain Bill. 'Of course they will still be sacred luxury apartments. I could always reserve you one?' 'Erm?' 'I could throw in some of the show furniture and free off road grazing? Seeing as you are known to me. Also I will be needing a concierge. You get a tiny room in the basement for free and I'd turn a blind eye if you want to read everybody's mail....

'And when she finally found it,' said Norma, 'it turned out to be in one of those side pockets with some tissues and a pen than didn't work.' 'But did it open the casket?' asked Bertha. 'It did!' mooed Norma. 'And inside?' 'Another bigger key,' replied Norma. '............To be honest I was slightly disappointed. I'm not really sure what I expected. 'But did it mean anything to Camille?' asked Bertha. Norma nodded. 'She got very excited. She said she knows what it fits, so she's gone off with Captain Bill. I thought I'd come and see how you were getting along?' 'I thought it best to collect up all the discarded pointyness,' replied Bertha. 'I got Jean Claude and Blanche to help me.' 'You don't think they're too young for handling discarded pointyness?' queried Norma. But Bertha made it quite clear that, in her opinion, it did young calves good to get...

'So! At last you are 'ere,' mooed Camille. 'Indeed!' replied Captain Bill. 'Covered in scratches?' 'Indeed!' replied Captain Bill. 'And smelling of stagnant water?' 'Indeed!' replied Captain Bill. '..................................Waiting?' '...................I was fighting dragons.' 'There is like....no....such....thing!' 'That's what I'd always thought,' replied Captain Bill. 'And then, there I was, herding along, thinking about how nice it would be to see you again and I just encountered them.' 'I am suspecting, based on previous situations, that you 'ave encountered nothing more than a fifty hoof high pile of, fire breathing, numptiness!' 'Nice washing!' 'Nice washing?' 'All clean.' 'Washing usually is.' 'I love the smell of clean washing in the morning, don't you?' 'OK! I am, in ma ...

'I'm just looking after them while Camille's busy,' said Norma. Oh!..............OK!' replied Horace. 'I just need to keep them entertained.' 'Perhaps I could read them some poetry?' suggested Horace. 'That would be nice,' replied Norma.  'I've written quite a lot since we've been away. How about 'The Darkening Gloom of My Soul?' 'Erm?'  'The there's 'Let Me Not Live Another Day,' or 'Hope, My Only Friend is Lost' or 'Crushed I Lie, Distrou...' 'Or we could just sit in the sun?' mooed Norma. 'Would it be alright if I continued writing?' 'You don't think it might be healthy to take a break?' 'Then what would I do?' 'Well, just sit with me,' replied Norma. 'We could show Camille's little students how to make daisy chains.' 'I think I'd rather write.' 'But making daisy chains is somet...

'And so I found myself thinking, would it really be so wrong to invest all the school funds into buying ma own vineyard?' explained Camille. 'Well?' mooed Norma. 'After all it would still be an 'ighly educational, hooves on, experience for ma little students.' 'True!' said Norma. 'And I certainly, never for a moment, considered them as a source of cheap, 14 hours a day, every 4th weekend off, type labour.' 'Errrrrr?' said Norma. 'And they still get all the usual lessons,' continued Camille. 'Writing? Those bottle labels don't do themselves! Maths? 'ow many bottles can we squeeze out of that barrel? Chemistry? If we add that will we kill anyone? Religion? Let's all pray that their parents don't find out! And all in the 'ealthy outdoors.' 'Right,' said Norma. 'And the physical exercise is a 'no brainer'!' 'You don't think some people might see it a...

'It's sooo lovely to see you again!' mooed Norma. 'Likewise, ma bizarre foreign friends,' replied Camille. 'Myself and my, strangely still small, never getting any bigger despite the passage of time, little students are most pleased to be re-acquainting ourselves with you.' 'Are you well?' asked Bertha. 'Indeed!' confirmed Camille. 'In a 'let's bulk things out with trivial chit chat before getting on with the story line type conversation', I can report that we are all 'up and doing' 'ere! And yourselves?' 'We're fine,' replied Norma. 'Bravo!' mooed Camille. 'And no doubt yourselves and your glorious leader Capitaine Bile are on some sort of preposterous and thinly plotted, readership trailing off, type adventure?' 'You could say so,' replied Bertha. 'And I 'ave!' said Camille. 'And your reason for being here?' asked Norma. 'Well, ...

Morning all! Right, let's have no more time wasted with chat about hats. There's simply no point at all in a few men* getting in a tizz because Norma and myself took it upon ourselves to purchase a few. If a lady can't treat herself from time to time etc, etc. Anyway there's far more important things to be getting on with. As has already been mentioned we'll be setting off for home soon. We're just loading the Mootilus and rounding up the bodies. Annie seems to have acquired a small library of books from who knows where and Cyril's wine purchases will need to be stowed away. Our departure will also mean that Ms Camille will be able to get on with educating her little students. School trips are all well and good but they've been out of the classroom for far too long. I've suggested extra homework for the next couple of months so they can catch up. Right, must be getting on Bertha * term used with caution.

'OK!' said Camille,'so like this certificate is to say, thank you, for rescuing us and the other is so our island is now officially twinned with your island.' 'Twinned?' asked Captain Bill. 'It means we both get to put up a sign which nobody reads and you get 10% off in a couple of gift shops,' confirmed Camille. 'Wonderful!' said Captain Bill. 'Also Monsieur Mayor wishes me to say 'ow pleased 'e is to meet you all but don't go expecting any slap up banquet because frankly the money for that sort of thing flew south a long time ago.' 'Not a problem,' reassured Captain Bill. 'Speak for yourself!' called out Cyril. And with that Monsieur Mayor kissed everyone on both cheeks and wandered off towards the town. 'I must say,' said Norma,'that was a wonderful welcome.' 'Well to be honest,' replied Camille,'we don't get that many visitors. Also I told 'im that Captain Bill was...

'Ah!' said Camille,''ome at last!' 'Yes,' replied Captain Bill, 'well anyone can make a simple error.' 'Well honestly!' continued Camille, 'like 'ow can you get lost that close to shore?' 'Actually a lot of islands are on wheels these days,' explained Captain Bill, 'and in a strong wind...' 'But we were like only 5 minutes away and it took us 4 hours!' 'Aggressive waves?' suggested Captain Bill. 'Hmm,' replied Camille,'anyway I suppose we made it eventually.' 'I imagine you'll want to be contacting the parents of all your little students?' said Norma. Camille stopped and looked at Norma. 'Are you kidding? That sort of trouble I can well do without! I was thinking maybe I'll just carry on and 'ope they just don't notice that we're 3 months late getting back...it's worked in the past! But anyway, before anything else, I 'ave an important civi...

'Right, well thanks for...whatever?' said Queen Phoebe. 'Sorry we can't stop but his Regalness simply must be getting along!' And Queen Phoebe gave an order for several of her servants to wave goodbye for her. 'Why do I have the feeling we've outstayed our welcome?' said Captain Bill. 'I'm sure she means well,' said Norma,'it can't be very easy being a royal personage.' But at that moment Bertha asked if everyone could move up a bit. So everyone moved up a bit and Norman lowered away another little student. 'I'm afraid the Mootilus wasn't really built to hold this many,' explained Captain Bill. 'Still it won't be for long,' added Norma. And Norman lowered away yet another little student. 'I must say it's very lucky that Monsieur Norman is 'ere to 'elp,' said Camille. 'Although there is...' began Norman. '...more to an elephant...' continued Horace. '...than just...

'And that bit there, that is where we used to 'ave picnics,' said Camille and she indicated a small cliff above a beach. 'Used to?' asked Captain Bill. 'We 'ad to stop after Jean Claude fell off it,' replied Camille. 'Luckily the tide was in. I gave 'im an A* for 'is 'omework and we said no more about it.' 'It looks lovely!' said Norma. 'It is,' replied Camille,'and it 'as like the prettiest little 'arbour that you ever could 'ope for.' 'It's a pity we can't go into it,' said Bertha. 'Has the strike been going on for long?' asked Norma. 'I don't really know,' replied Camille,'I've only been living 'ere for 3 years.' 'Still we can row ashore,' suggested Bertha. 'I'll think we'll 'ave to!' mooed Camille. And for a while everyone just stood and watched as they sailed towards the island. Slowly they began to make out th...

'And then you have to turn a switch and release the elastic band and it fires!' explained Captain Bill. 'Well I 'ave to say that clearly your knowledge of big cannons is 2nd to none!' said Camille. And her little students waved their tails in agreement. 'Only to be expected,' replied Captain Bill. 'A lifetime as a top, heroic, duel fighting Captain is bound to bring about a certain understanding of all things nautical!' 'And you're quite sure that Marie Clare is safe being stuck down the pointy end?' asked Camille. 'Not a problem,' replied Captain Bill. 'Only if she got fired out of it I suspect she would get pretty splatified,' added Camille,'which while clearly serious for 'er is also almost certainly a sackable offence for yours truly.' 'Really?' asked Captain Bill. 'Don't you believe it!' replied Camille. 'You couldn't even begin to guess at the 'oops teachers of litt...

'So that is it?' said Camille. 'The end of our adventure?' 'It always feels a bit sad when it happens,' replied Norma, 'but you soon get over it.' 'And then you 'ave another?' asked Camille. 'It seems to be that way,' said Norma. 'I don't think myself or ma little students could take so much excitement,' replied Camille., 'I think all we want to do now is go 'ome and rest our 'ooves in some long wet grass.' 'Well we still have the Mootilus,' said Norma, 'and the pirate balloon, so we can give you a lift if you would like?' 'That would be most welcome,' said Camille. 'But,' called out Bertha who was herding past them, 'I'm afraid that might have to wait a while.' 'But why?' asked Camille. 'Because,' replied Annie, 'before we go any further there's one thing that we simply have to do!' 'And that is?' asked Camille. 'PARTY!!...

'And so,' continued Queen Phoebe,'on behalf of his little class mates, Jean Claude will now accept this certificate of bravery which has been signed by my hubby...just there, that's his signature.....isn't it lovely...it's just like the rest of him!' And everyone agreed that it was a lovely signature. 'Right,' said Queen Phoebe,'is that it? Can we have cake now?' At this point Captain Bill gave a small cough. 'Oh right,' said Queen Phoebe,'well if we have to!? In recognition of having fought a duel with the pirate captain...' 'With a lipstick!' called out Bertha. 'It still counts!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Well anyway,' said Queen Phoebe,'because of blah, blah, blah, you know the story. Here is a Royal scroll type thing what means you are now a proper captain again.' Captain Bill took the Royal scroll type thing and everyone applauded. 'So do you really think that will be OK with the insp...

On the deck of King Otto's flagship small people and large people were being reunited. 'Oh!' cried Camille, 'ma little students are safe at last! 'Ow can I ever thank you?' Inside Annie's head a giant purple Hippopotamus made out of cake did a little dance and pointed at itself 'You know,' continued Camille before Annie could properly reply, 'I think maybe with a bit of studying you too could become a teacher one day!' And the minimoos waved their tails in agreement. 'Well I did teach the shrimps to knit,' said Annie, 'and I once taught Mr Sir Cyril how to stick all four of his hooves into his ears at the same time.' 'You know that's pretty much the 1st year's course taken care of already!' replied Camille. 'Knitting is something I strongly encourage. Although obviously you 'ave to draw the line at setting up some sort of workshop in which the students work for eleventy billion hours a day just...

'...and so that's why I would never recommend thinking of two things in succession without having a lay down in first.' said Annie, 'Now who wants more trifle?' A herd of little hooves shot into the air and Annie ladled out further, extra large, helpings of strawberry, raspbleberry and mint trifle. 'Right,' said Annie,'by the way you don't have to have a sleepy Pengiming in the trifle bowl, but if you do it won't in any way impair the flavour.' At this point Geraldine gave a gentle wave of one of her feet and Annie took the opportunity to stick a strawberry on the end of her beak. 'Sooooooooooo,' she continued,'so far we've talked about why the world can be proved to be cake shaped and why it's never a good idea to get out of bed before 11 o'clock in the morning, which means there's just time for me to tell you about why trees secretly want to turn pink with spots on and then after that we'll all h...

Camille took a good, long, hard look at the diagram that was labelled MK V Top Secret Escape Plan. 'Brilliant isn't it!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Welllllll,' replied Camille,'like what definition of brilliant are you using?' 'The regular one!' replied Captain Bill,' you know I could kick myself for not thinking of it sooner. I mean there I was struggling, for a bit, for an idea and then suddenly it came to me! Jean Claude's glider I thought! Why not use that I thought! It's just sitting there. It'll be perfect for getting us over that hedge!' 'Well I 'ate to drizzle on your parade,' said Camille,'but I can think of one pretty good reason!' 'What's that?' asked Captain Bill. 'Death!' replied Camille. 'DEATH?' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'Indeed,' replied Camille,'because right now I'm 'aving this vision of me saying, " 'Ello Mr and Mrs Jean Claude, sorry we...