Cow Island

'Your attention please!' Flossie bleated. 'Are you filming yet?' Queen Phoebe inquired. 'Not yet your majesty,' Flossie replied. 'Only One aint got her crown on straight.' 'There'll be plenty of time to sort it out,' Lefty assured. 'May I continue?' Flossie asked. And Queen Phoebe said he could. 'Thank you!' Flossie said. '...............................Forgotten where I was now?' 'Opening scene,' Lefty prompted. 'Grateful!' Flossie replied. 'Opening scene, we see your majesty walking in the garden.' 'There won't be any peasants will there?' Queen Phoebe asked. 'No, no,' Flossie replied. 'You are walking in the garden, your mind at ease. All is well in the kingdom.' 'Well, it normally is,' Queen Phoebe said. 'His Kingshipfulness, I do love 'im so, he won't have unease. It affects his digestion.' 'Understood,...

'I'm so sorry,' Norma mooed, 'I didn't quite hear you just then.' 'Not a problem,' Flossie replied. 'There was supposed to be a megaphone,' Lefty added. 'Ah!' Norma said. 'I'll just speak up,' Flossie continued. 'That's kind of you,' Norma replied. 'Good voice,' Lefty observed and Flossie and Hooky nodded in agreement. 'Do you have any previous experience in pictures?' Flossie asked. Norma explained that Bertha had once taken a photo of her and asked if that counted. Flossie said it did and Lefty made a note on the topmost of a sheet of forms that lay in front of him. 'And I was going to be fairy godmother in a pantomime until the theatre fell off the end of our pier,' Norma added. Lefty wrote, 'Some acting experience,' on the form. At this point Hooky tapped several times on the table. 'Our colleague was wondering if you'd be prepared to wear a d...

'Afternoon!' Norman trumpeted. 'Norman!' Norma mooed. 'How lovely to see you!' 'Same to yourselves,' Norman replied. 'I thought you might turn up. I take it you saw the bit about free hats?' 'Might have,' Norma said and she blushed a little. 'Possibly,' Bertha added without blushing at all. 'So, Norma continued, 'I have to say you're looking very....well...very?' 'I'm a castle,' Norman explained. 'Ah!' Norma said. 'That explains it!' 'For the film?' Bertha asked. And Norman nodded. 'You're very convincing,' Norma continued. 'From a distance I thought...' 'People have been kind enough to say so,' Norman replied. 'I'm not surprised,' Bertha added. 'Of course the makeup helps,' Norman replied. 'Is that eye shadow?' Bertha asked. 'Just a smidge,' Norman said. 'And it's nice to be ...

'Har! Har! Har! And other introductory Monday morning type noises. Tis good to be back on dry land!' Flossie bleated. 'Very quick voyage,' Lefty observed. 'Not surprised,' Flossie replied, 'not surprised! Always had faith in the crew...and of course the Great Pencil in the Sky gets to save on some paper.' 'True!' Lefty agreed. 'So, Flossie continued, 'ship to be unloaded, unpacking to be done, etc, etc?' 'All on the schedule,' Lefty replied, 'and the flock are all aware that, from now on, we're nothing more than a genuine film crew here to shoot a sure fire blockbuster and not just pretending to be so that we can carry out a diabolically fiendish pirate type robbery.' 'Brilliant!' Flossie bleated, 'and if I might say, a handy piece of exposition for anyone who's just turning up.' 'Thought I'd take the opportunity,' Lefty said. 'Can't fault you,' Flossie...

'Har! Har! Har! Etc, etc,' Flossie bleated. 'Day 25 and only our 2nd appearance!....Slightly disappointed.' 'I could write to someone and complain?' Lefty suggested. 'No,' Flossie replied, 'you're busy enough. Wouldn't be fair to ask anymore of you. Right, on with the plot, such as it is.' 'Loading's finished,' Lefty continued. 'Took slightly longer than expected, Harriet's been having trouble finding a lamb sitter.' 'Not a problem,' Flossie replied, 'lambs should come first. Future of the flock after all.' 'Kind of you,' Lefty said, 'So, sail today, arrive Friday. I was hoping we'd have time for a little diabolical pirating on the way but I can't see how we can fit it in.' 'Would have been nice,' Flossie agreed, 'but eye on the prize. Let's carry out the fiendishly clever plan first and see if we can fit in some proper pirating on the way home....

'Har! Har! Har! Lights! Camera! Action!..........Me dolly grip hearties!' 'Oh, that's very good!' Lefty said. 'Really?' Flossie asked. 'I wasn't sure. I was aiming for film director but still with a touch of pirate thrown in for good measure.' 'Worked for me,' Lefty replied. 'Wonderful!' Flossie bleated. 'Though, perhaps if you have time, we could workshop it a bit more later on? I want to sound convincingly cinematic but without losing sight of the whole underlying fiendishly clever despicable plan aspect of it all.' 'I'll have to check my schedule,' Lefty said. 'There is rather a lot to do.' 'Understand! Understand!' Flossie replied. 'Don't let me get in your way. Sure you must have a lot to do. Must be a million things to organise.' 'There's a lot of health and safety issues,' Lefty pointed out. 'Don't doubt it,' Flossie said. 'Althou...

'I've seen it,' Captain Bill said. 'I was just on my way to the museum when a staple whizzed past and a balloon landed on me hat!' Norma put the flyer down. 'There must be lots of people involved in making a film,' Norma replied. 'I'm sure there are,' Captain Bill said. 'Some of them might be interested in rope,' Norma added. 'They might even want to make a film about the museum?' '.........................................................True!' Captain Bill mooed. 'And that's the only reason that you're suggesting for wanting to go?' 'Well,' Norma said. 'The words, 'free costumes, including hats' wouldn't be influencing you?' Norma had always had a problem with certain types of fibs. 'Possibly,' she replied, 'but it would be so lovely to have an adventure.' 'In your opinion,' Captain Bill said. 'And obviously,' Norma contin...

'Extras wanted! Could you be the film star of tomorrow?' Bertha was reading from the leaflet that Norma was holding in her mouth. 'Apply today and change your life!' 'The mest mit is mext,' Norma mumbled. 'Free costumes, including hats,' Bertha read out. 'Mell?' Norma asked. 'Hmm?' Bertha replied. Norma's tail drifted around to the front of the flyer until it was underlining the words 'including hats'. 'That,' Bertha responded, 'is nothing short of blatant manipulation.' Norma looked as innocent as she could manage, which was VERY innocent indeed. 'That's still not innocent enough to fool me,' Bertha said. Norma put the leaflet down and gave a long sigh. 'Stop it!' Bertha exclaimed. Norma stopped it. There was silence. 'Hats!' Norma whispered. Bertha looked at Norma. Norma looked at Bertha. 'I'm sure it would be fun,' Norma added. '....