Cow Island

Captain Bill took the pole and punted gently on down the river. Drenched in the warmth of a July sun, Norma and Bertha sat talking quietly between themselves. 'Ah!' said Captain Bill, 'this is the life!' 'Yes,' replied Bertha, 'but we do need to talk to you about the final of the Regatta.' 'Of course, of course,' said Captain Bill, 'you know I'd almost forgotten about it.' 'Well it's still going to happen,' said Bertha, 'and each must play their part.' 'There's going to be even more need for good research this time,' added Norma. 'I suppose you'll want to be doing that yourselves,' replied Captain Bill, 'or getting Cyril or Horace... or Geraldine to do it for you?' 'Well actually,' said Bertha, 'we thought you might like to, given who we face in the final.' 'Who do we face?' asked Captain Bill, 'in all the excitment I've forgotten to see who it is....

Hello everyone, Norma here, sorry for being a little late in doing my blog today but there's so much going on! The biggest thing of course is that we're through to the final of King Otto's Regatta. That means we only have to win one more race and we get our lovely ship back. We don't know who we're going to be racing yet but I'm sure that with all the hard work we're doing we can win! And what a lot of hard work it is! Bertha and I have decided that we need to go all out to get ourselves as fit as we can. That means no more cakes until AFTER '3rd dinner'! At least not the really fattening ones - small bite sized cakes are still allowed. Add to that our intensive rowing training and I think we can have a great team. Well I must get on, I don't want to be letting the side down. Enjoy the rest of your weekend, Norma

'Well I have to take my hat off to them,' said Captain Bill. 'Mwy agwee,' said Cyril. 'Did you see the bow wave they caused?' continued Captain Bill. 'It was huge! I'm completely soaked!' 'Muk me bwy swuprise,' replied Cyril. 'Sorry?' said Captain Bill. 'Took me by surprise,' said Cyril, who finally removed the snorkel he was wearing. 'I mean, ' said Captain Bill, 'I must be honest, when I saw the other lot I didn't think we stood a chance, but our crew fairly motored down the course!' 'Dedication!' replied Cyril. 'They must have been doing 25 knots at one point!' said Captain Bill. 'Did you see Horace trying to hold on?' 'Dedication,' replied Cyril. 'They didn't even stop when they got to the finish, just kept on going... they could be out at sea by now.' said Captain Bill. 'Dedication,' replied Cyril. 'You know I wouldn't be at all surprised if t...

It's Thursday! You've missed him! (no you have, Cyril knows more about you than you could possibly imagine). But now he's back... Iiiiiiittttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt'ssssssssssssss Cyrillllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll!!!!! Morning Chums! Now I'm not saying our team hasn't improved. Indeed they get better with every passing day. But I can't help suspecting that one or two members have become a bit... well, distracted. So for that reason and that reason alone, young Cyril has decided to lend a hoof to help our merry band of rowers through to the finals. Now you know me (you do, some of you even have my picture hanging on your very walls), I'm not the sort of bovine who'd do anything underhoof but underwater is a different thing entirely! So take a tip for your old pal and nip down the betting shop and have a monkey on Team Cow... it's a cert!* Your Pal, Cyril *All monies placed at your own risk, no refunds, other teams are available, picture...

Talk amongst yourselves... Thank you. Norma

Captain Bill sat quietly by the river bank, the warm summer sun playing across his face, only his tail providing the gentlest of breezes. 'They've drawn it!' said Bertha as she rushed up to him. 'The semi final line up,' added Norma who was with her. 'And?' asked Captain Bill. 'We've been drawn against the 'Incredibly Fit Young Men's Rowing Club,' said Bertha. Captain Bill thought for a while. 'We'll have to do some research on them,' he said. 'Agreed,' replied Bertha. 'Of course,' added Norma. 'Best not to send Cyril again,' said Captain Bill, 'I'll go this time.' 'Yes...,' said Bertha. '....That's what we thought,' added Norma. '...At first,' continued Bertha, 'but then it occurred to us that, with them being so young, that they might feel intimidated by you.' And Captain Bill agreed that this might well be possible. 'So we thought, maybe we should g...

Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (don't forget that fresh summer 'o's are now available in your local grocery store)! It's Annie here. I have to say that I'm really enjoying this regatta rowing up and down thing. As you may know, on Saturday we had a race against... somebody else, forget who? Well it went so well that the other team decided to stop for a swim half way through! I liked the idea of this but Norma (my best friend) said that I should stay in our boat so I did... and then we won!!! Frankly that's more excitment than most people could stand and I was a bit worried that my horns might fall off... but they didn't. Anyway we spent all of yesterday doing more rowing so that we get even better at it and so Bertha and Norma have decided that we can all have a day off. So Geraldine and I are going for a walk. Well I'm going for a walk and Geraldine is going for a carry. I think this is because she has short legs and big feet (bit of a design fault i...

'RIVER ANTELOPE?!' mooed Captain Bill. 'Freshwater river antelope,' corrected Cyril. 'Really?' said Captain Bill. 'Clear case,' replied Cyril, 'once you get an infestation of them in a boat anything can happen.' Captain Bill looked at Cyril and then herded a bit closer to him. 'And how exactly do they 'infest'?' he asked. 'They burrow,' replied a very straight faced Cyril. 'Burrow!' said Captain Bill, 'burrow!' 'Yep,' replied Cyril. Captain Bill moved a bit closer. 'And you're seriously suggesting that that's why the opposition's boat snapped clean in two halfway through the race?' 'Obvious,' replied Cyril. Captain Bill was now very close to Cyril. 'I could see the saw marks from here,' he hissed. 'Evolution,' replied Cyril. 'EVOLUTION!!' shouted Captain Bill. 'Mmm,' replied Cyril, 'what with the harsh reality of a daily struggle of lif...

'Well I did eat quite a few nibbles,' said Cyril , 'but only so that I blended in.' 'So you were successful?' asked Captain Bill. 'I'd like to think so,' replied Cyril, 'I managed 3 platters before I'd even got a drink. You see, young Cyril doesn't like to let his chums down.' And here Norma and Captain Bill looked at Cyril in a very direct way. 'So how long were you with them?' asked Norma. 'About 8 hours,' replied Cyril, 'I'm not sure that I might not keep up the membership, they did a very nice line in cocktails.' 'And you got to talk to them?' asked Captain Bill. 'Oh, we never stopped, ' replied Cyril. 'So what were they talking about?' asked Norma. 'You know,' replied Cyril, '...I've not the slightest idea!' 'Not the slightest idea?!?' mooed Captain Bill. 'Mmmm,' said Cyril, 'it seemed to make sense at the time but now I think back on it.....

It's Thursday! He's here! ...and he's blending in nicely with his new friends... Iiiiiitttttt'ssssssssssssss CYRILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!! (A chink of glasses, a whiff of cigar smoke and a well polished medal or two.) Morning Chums, Pip, pip, wizard prang, roger charlie tango 4, canapes above and behind you, I'm turning now, tally ho, tally ho! ...beating them by a canvas, opened it up to 36 a minute, won easily! ...Binky Whithershanks, tiny fella, used to be something huge in the city ...a bridge I think or something like that. Stay close to me red leader... Breakfast! ...Breakfast gone!? ...poor, poor breakfast. Squadron Leader Sir Cyril Plumpton Comfy VAT and Nibbles

'Who?' asked Captain Bill. 'The Frightfully Decent Old Boys Rowing Club,' replied Norma. 'Right,' said Captain Bill. 'Norma and I have already done some research on them,' said Bertha. 'And?' asked Captain Bill. 'They're frightfully decent,' replied Norma. 'And they're old boys,' added Bertha. 'Interesting,' said Captain Bill, 'I think I can see a pattern emerging.' "Norma and I still don't think that's enough though,' continued Bertha, 'we think we should try to find out some more about them.' 'Agreed,' agreed Captain Bill, 'so what you're suggesting is that I disguise myself and slip into the enemy ranks to try to discover any weaknesses.' 'Well actually,' said Norma, 'we still see you in more of a managerial role... so we've asked someone else to check them out for us.' 'Someone with a bit more experience at that sort of thing,' add...

Right, 'ello, Queen Phoebe here doing a special Royal blog, so do stand up when you're being spoken down to! Now to start with, my hubby, King Otto - that's 'im over there, aint he lovely, who could resist 'im? - he is the best King there's ever been and you're jolly lucky to have 'im! Next, people with prezzies can leave them with a flunky; people without prezzies can go with one of the pointy spear chappies to a place where they can buy some - and DO wrap them up, only His Little Crownness loves a bit of crinkly paper and a bow. Finally, we is 'ere to do the draw for the first round of the 'King Otto Grand Challenge Rowing Regatta... thing. Anyway, it's something like that and it's practically a charity so the press can jolly well write something nice for a change. You're quick enough to get it on the front page when it all goes a bit pear shaped, so you can flipping well make the effort now! Right 'ere we go, eyes down for a fu...

Morning all, Norma here. Just my little Saturday blog to bring you up to date on all of our efforts. I'm sure you'll be pleased to hear that things are much better now that we've got Geraldine acting as our cox. We've managed to stay on the water AND out of trees! All we have to concentrate on now is getting a bit fitter and learning how to work together. Now the really exciting news is that on Monday, King Otto is going to be making the draw for the first round matches and we hope to be able to bring you a live blog as it actually happens! Right I'd better get on, Captain Bill is insisting that we go up and down the river another 3 times before 4th breakfast. Take care, have jolly nice weekends. Norma

THE ROWERS And so the Comrades Blades held firm Do tense their bodies Await their trial And by their efforts Give their all Till muscles beg For sweet relief But more they pull Through sweated pain All time now lost And still they pull Until at last Their victory Thank you, Horace (Horace would like it known that he is still open to approaches from publishers.)

'But,' said Captain Bill, 'but... she's... well, she's a Penguin!' 'We know,' replied Bertha. Captain Bill, Bertha and Norma were standing together by the river bank looking at Geraldine... who was helpfully waving a small flag. 'So you're honestly telling me you would rather have her than me?' asked Captain Bill. 'Well you've already got an important job,' replied Norma, 'and we have to have a cox, otherwise we'll just keep steering off course.' 'And she's perfectly suited to it,' added Bertha, 'she's small and doesn't weigh much.' But how are you going to communicate?' said Captain Bill. 'Well Annie can do that,' replied Bertha, 'she speaks rather good Penguin.' Captain Bill thought for a while... 'You're quite sure she knows what's going on?' he asked. 'Oh yes,' replied Norma, 'now I've had another talk with her about what a Regatta actu...

'Hopeless,' said Captain Bill, 'absolutely hopeless!' 'It wasn't our fault!' shouted back Bertha. 'Well you're not blaming me!' replied Captain Bill, 'I've got enough problems as it is. It's alright for you lot, out there in your boat, rowing away nineteen to the dozen....I have to run along the river bank and look at you at the same time.....4 trees and an equerry I've run into so far this morning.' 'Was he alright?' asked Norma. 'Difficult to tell,' replied Captain Bill, 'all I could see was his little arms thrashing away in the water...his hat floating off downstream in the dawn's early light, the sun glinting off the gold braid. Anyway, if he couldn't swim he shouldn't have been standing so close to the edge. But the point is,' he continued, 'this isn't my fault. I distinctly called out 'turn to port' and you lot veered off to the left!' 'THAT IS PORT!' mooed ...

Morning all, Captain Bill here. Now as you know, I've been placed into the critical role of team manager in our effort to win back the Pickled Heifer and so I thought I'd just share one or two pearls of wisdom that you may be able to use in your daily lives. Of course my own background is in a different area but there are many lessons that I can recall from Captain school that can still be applied. As you will see from my plan the course is pretty straight and it's probably going to be best to follow that as closely as possible. So begin by walking the course and making a careful note of any obsti... obsticicic... things that might divert the crew. I've already arranged for two ice cream vans and a beer tent to be moved back a bit and screened off. Also check to see where 'Not North' is as the crew will have a natural tendency to steer in that direction. Next take the temperature of the water. If the thermometer shows a warm reading then you can have a paddle wh...

Hellllloooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (friday close 15.372 'o's to the 'e' a 4 year high). Annie here and I'm officially very excited! In fact on my excitorometer, I'm showing 9.977! There are 2 reasons for this. The first is that my chum, Mr Sir Cyril of Largeness and Casual Boat Hire, has given me a pair of his sun glasses (see piccie). The second is that Norma (my best friend) has told me that not only am I going to be helping out with some rowing, I'm going to be in a Regatta as well! Now I'd be the first to admit that I don't know a lot about cooking... apart from eating cake and trifle... actually now I think about it, that may be all there is! But still I'm very excited! I think they must have put me down for a very important job. I mean look at the size of the stirring stick they've given me!! Going to have a nap now... Annie

It's Thursday! ...He's here... and he's doing what he does best. Ittttttttttt'sssssssssssssssssssssss Cyrillllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll! (Polite applause, a bottle of plonk, and a cucumber sandwich.) Morning chums, are we well? Of course we are! As I'm sure you will know, due to a small error of judgement on my part, we are now in a life or death struggle to recover our mighty ship, the 'Pickled Heifer'. But fear not: a top team has been assembled and is even now lying in bed waiting for a cup of tea. Now you will ask (no you will, Cyril can detect these things), am I completely behind my team? And without hesitation I can answer, yes! To be honest (no I will be, Cyril can manage these things from time to time), when you get to my size, you can be behind your team, at the side of it and still have a bit left to be out in front. So I'm backing my pals to the hilt... and so can you! Yes, a first class rowing team doesn't come cheap. So by p...