Cow Island

'O..M..G! That hat is sooooooo you! It like totes makes the whole journey here worthwhile!' 'Are you planning to talk like that all the time?' Bertha asked. 'Only, I like to give Captain Bill an exclusive on violence but this could force me to make an exception.' 'Probably won't then,' Norma replied. '...............But it is a very nice hat.' 'I know!' Bertha mooed. 'And they had an almost matching tail hat!' 'I love the colour as well,' Norma added. 'It's what I would have chosen if I'd had a choice,' Bertha replied. 'And the lady in the costume department said there was a chance I could get to keep it.' Norma said she had been given the same advice so perhaps they could ask at the same time. 'Did anyone say anymore about the filming?' she asked. 'Not really,' Bertha replied. 'But I'll be perfectly happy just standing in the background...in my hat!...

'Afternoon!' Norman trumpeted. 'Norman!' Norma mooed. 'How lovely to see you!' 'Same to yourselves,' Norman replied. 'I thought you might turn up. I take it you saw the bit about free hats?' 'Might have,' Norma said and she blushed a little. 'Possibly,' Bertha added without blushing at all. 'So, Norma continued, 'I have to say you're looking very....well...very?' 'I'm a castle,' Norman explained. 'Ah!' Norma said. 'That explains it!' 'For the film?' Bertha asked. And Norman nodded. 'You're very convincing,' Norma continued. 'From a distance I thought...' 'People have been kind enough to say so,' Norman replied. 'I'm not surprised,' Bertha added. 'Of course the makeup helps,' Norman replied. 'Is that eye shadow?' Bertha asked. 'Just a smidge,' Norman said. 'And it's nice to be ...

'It'll be fun,' Norma said, 'and there's nothing that can possibly go wrong so we can all have a relaxing time.' 'I just don't see how poetry fits into it?' Horace replied. 'Well.......it doesn't really,' Norma conceded. 'Then why....?' 'Because for most people not everything revolves around poetry.' 'It does for me,' Horace said. 'Yes,' Norma replied, 'but, possibly, with a bit of effort, you could move beyond that?' Horace stared off into the distance. 'Look,' Norma continued, 'everyone else is going and we never seem to do anything as a herd these days.' 'There are reasons for that,' Horace replied. Norma decided to ignore the observation. 'I'm asking you to go,' she said. '........................................If I must?' Horace mooed. 'Thank you!' Norma replied. 'Now, we're sailing first thing tomorrow mo...

'Extra what?' Annie asked. 'Well,' Norma thought about how to explain, 'it's a type of acting, only you just stand in the background and don't say anything.' 'Acting?' Annie asked. 'It's when you dress up and pretend to be someone else.' 'Like a tree?' 'Possibly,' Norma replied. 'I suppose that must happen.' 'Or a cloud or a halibut?' 'Again, possible,' Norma agreed, 'but more commonly it's another person...but it's only pretend.' 'Pretend?' Annie queried. 'Well, it's not reality.' 'Reality?' Annie asked. In her head Norma conceded to herself that the conversation was drifting off in a direction that she had been hoping to avoid.  'Well, for most people, there is a reasonably common set of truths that can be agree upon...that we call reality.' Annie looked confused and came dangerously close to toppling over. ...

'It's still firing too high,' Bertha observed. 'I think I need to adjust the rear sight.' 'I must say,' Norma said, 'I've not seen a stapler with sights before.' 'I suppose not, 'Bertha replied. 'I had to make them myself. Could you just put the safety back on for me?' Norma helpfully pressed a little lever. 'Nor a safety catch,' she added. 'Seemed best to have one,' Bertha replied. 'And isn't it traditional that the staples fire downward rather than out the front?' Norma asked. 'Could be,' Bertha mooed, 'but that wasn't going to work for me.' Norma drew in a heavy breath. 'You don't think you're over reacting?' she asked. 'He started it!' Bertha replied. 'Still,' Norma said. 'Still,' Bertha replied, '...he started it!' 'But does that have to mean?' 'Yes!'  'Couldn't you?' '...

Captain Bill stood behind the collapsible table. Norma sat in front doing her best to be a crowd. 'I'd like to begin,' Captain Bill began, 'by congratulating you on having the wisdom to take advantage of this spectacular opportunity. You won't regret it!' Norma raised a hoof. 'What is it? she asked. 'The spectacular opportunity.' 'Excellent question!' Captain Bill replied. 'It's this!' And he picked up a clipboard from the collapsible table....which promptly collapsed. 'Hopeless!' he mooed. 'Absolutely hopeless!' Norma helped Captain Bill put the table up again...but it collapsed again. 'Where did you get it from?' Norma asked. 'It came with the marquee,' Captain Bill replied. 'Hmm,' Norma said. 'about the marquee, you know there are bits missing from the roof don't you? I noticed them earlier on.' 'Apparently it's part of the fire safety system...

'3 DAYS!' Norma exclaimed. '3 Days and we have got nowhere! 3 days of diversions and petty asides and squabbles with hardly a word spoken about the holiday! Horace, it's just a bruise, get over it! Bertha, Captain Bill is entitled to an opinion...even if it is, by and large, negative waffle. Annie, try to do the real world just once in a while! Cyril................................behave!  Captain Bill, we are going on holiday so just get used to it! And with that Norma turned and stampeded away. Only to stampede back again a few moments later. 'Horace,' she began, 'bruises are not nice, I am sincerely sorry that it hurts. Bertha, I realise you just want to move things along in a positive direction. Could you please hand around the voting forms. Annie, as reality is whatever you believe it to be, who am I to say that flying badgers don't exist. Cyril, I'll take two t-shirts in small....well, medium...unless you have them in medium large? Cap...

'It turns out that the knitted logs burn very well indeed,' explained Norma. 'We've noticed the increase in speed,' replied Bertha. 'We're catching them up!' 'So Annie wants to try embroidering some coal,' continued Norma. 'Clever!' mooed Bertha. 'But she's run out of wool,' said Norma, 'so I was wondering?' 'I thought that might be why you were here,' replied Bertha. 'Well, if needs must!'  And without taking her eyes off the Pickled Heifer she lent over so that Norma could pull the balls of wool off of her horn. 'Thanks,' said Norma. 'We can always shop for more once this is all over.' 'I think we should combine it with a hat buying trip,' replied Bertha. 'It would seem a shame not to,' replied Norma. 'How's Captain Geraldine getting on?' Geraldine turned towards Norma, waved her wings around, opened her beak and pointed at her stomac...

'I'm just not sure you can knit logs,' said Norma. 'That just shows your lack of commitment and imagination,' mooed Annie. 'If my memory serves me correctly you said the same thing about crocheted trains.' 'I concede you surprised me on that occasion,' replied Norma. 'Anyhoweverables,' continued Annie, 'if I don't succeed I shall turn it into something else...a hat or a chimney or some such.' 'Another log?' asked Norman. 'Many thanks!' replied Norma. And at that moment Captain Geraldine appeared, waved her wings around, looked at the boiler, counted the remaining logs, jumped up and down and then scampered back toward the bow. 'I get the feeling we're still not travelling fast enough for her,' said Norma. 'We're keeping pace with them,' called back Bertha, who was steering, 'but we need to catch up!' 'Another log?' asked Norman. 'Good idea!' re...

'Do you have anything closer to a teal?' asked Norma. 'Well I don't know!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'One don't do this sort of thing on a regular basis.' 'So is the real stall holder around?' asked Bertha. 'Don't ask me!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'One just asked One's guards to make arrangements so One could keep a low profile. I don't know what's actually involved with running the place. One's normally busy doing more queenly things, like waving and closing down homes for poor people.' 'I think you mean opening up?' suggested Norma. 'Whatever,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'The point is that, at the moment, One is fully occupied by the need to recapture escaped pirate sheep...and to keep it out of the papers.' 'I think we'd be happy to put ourselves at your disposal,' mooed Bertha. 'Appreciated,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Above all we have to protect the reputa...

'I don't think for a moment that they've actually eaten all the breakfasts,' said Norma. 'Hmm, but it would be more trouble than it's worth to prove it,' replied Bertha, 'and nobody will really mind calling in at King Otto's.' 'That's why I didn't bother checking with you,' said Norma. 'I thought you'd be happy to.' 'They used to have a very good wool stall on the market by the harbour,' replied Bertha, 'and I could do with some double knit.' 'What are you working on at the moment?' 'I'm not actually sure,' replied Bertha. 'I want to try to combine knitting with sculpture so this is more of a conceptual piece. I'm really just seeing where the needles take me. I've got some spare ones if you'd like to join in?' 'Another time,' said Norma. 'I don't like to be away too long.' 'How are things on deck?' asked Bertha. 'I...

'I'm sure I've got some thread here that's the right colour,' said Norma, 'and you think you've got a problem with one of the 'n's as well?' 'Yes,' replied Captain Bill and he held up his knitted compass and pointed at an N that had come loose. 'I really aught to knit you another one some time,' said Norma. 'I'm fine with this one,' replied Captain Bill. 'But at least then you'd have a spare,' said Norma. 'I've seen some lovely designs. More modern.' Captain Bill looked slightly uneasy. 'I've still got the old pattern,' added Norma. Captain Bill looked relieved. 'Found it!' mooed Norma and she held up a reel of deep rose coloured thread. 'Now which needle?' Captain Bill was about to feel faint at the mention of the word 'needle' when he was distracted by the arrival of Bertha. 'Right,' she began, 'I've drawn up a manifes...

'You as well!' said Norma. 'At least I'm carrying a sword!' 'Onebody even suggested my horns might be too pointy!' replied Bertha. 'I'm certainly changing my mind about what it's like to be a pirate,' added Norma. 'Anyhow, you were saying?' 'Yes!'said Bertha, 'In the end he got went back and got one with a toasting fork attachment.' 'But he doesn't need one!' replied Norma. 'I know!' mooed Bertha. 'But he wouldn't listen and he took out the extended warranty!' 'That's where they get you every time!' replied Norma. 'Still I've managed to pick up one or two things myself,' continued Bertha. 'A book on pirate librarians and there's a stall doing knitting patterns.' 'We saw that,' replied Norma, 'I hoping to get back there later, which ones did you get?' 'Erm?' said Bertha. 'There's a hat in the shape of...

'No!' mooed Norma, 'That's the bits box. I want the big bits box.' 'But I thought that was the big bits box?' said Horace. 'No it's just the bits box,' replied Norma. 'So where's the big bits box?' asked Horace. 'It's by the bits box,' replied Norma. 'But I thought this was the bigger one?' said Horace. 'No,' replied Norma., 'the big bits box is bigger than that that's why it's called the big bits box!' But?' began Horace. 'In my berth by the bunting but before the baskets is the big bits box which was next to the bits box...before you brought it up here,' replied Norma. 'Baskets?' said Horace. 'The baskets!' replied Norma.  'And what's in those?' asked Horace. 'Ooooooh!' replied Norma. 'Buttons mostly!' 'So do you want me to take this back then?' said Horace. 'Yes please,' replied Norma, ...

'Oh, that's nice,' mooed Norma, 'you've put an extra Not North on it!' 'I thought she deserved it,' replied Bertha. 'It'll annoy Captain Bill,' added Norma. 'I thought he deserved it,' replied Bertha. 'Mmm,' said Norma, 'well so much for my efforts to keep the peace.' 'I just like to give him something to keep him occupied,' explained Bertha. 'He'd get bored otherwise.' 'Really?' said Norma. 'I like to think so,' replied Bertha. 'Hmm,' said Norma. 'So do you think Queen Phoebe will understand how to use it?' 'About as well as our brave captain does,' replied Bertha. 'Norma was just about to make an observation about Captain Bill's bravery when she was distracted by the unexpected arrival of Horace. 'Hello!' he said. 'Afternoon,' said Norma and Bertha. 'Shouldn't you...shouldn't you be steering?...

Good morning everyone!  Now it's been a very long time since we had a chat but that's no excuse for allowing bad posture to creep in, so do sit up straight! How are you? Unlike some people I really am interested. Have you managed to do any studying? A course or two perhaps? Push the boundaries and never be afraid to fail! Now I'm reading the book on sculpture first, if I try knitting while my lovely captain is getting us underway I'll drop too many stitches. You might notice a few changes, I think the plants soften things up a little and the hat keeps the sun off as there's no shade at all up here. As for leaving the harbour, for those of you familiar with our escapades you might expect me to report that we've been going around in circles for the last few hours but interestingly I can report that we've also achieved several ovals, a square and a rhomboid! We've not actually hit anything as long as you don't include glancing blows and Ann...

'I've just popped down for a moment,' said Bertha, 'it's not as if we're even moving yet!' 'Well you shouldn't have!' replied Captain Bill, 'you're required to be at a constant state of high alert. What have you got with you anyway?' 'It's just a couple of books and some knitting,' explained Bertha. 'Fine!' replied Captain Bill, 'so when we're being boarded by hostile forces and I'm wondering why nobody saw them coming at least I'll know that it was in part because my lookout was trawling through the last couple of chapters of some cheap romance!' 'One's on the theory of sculpture and the other is on indexing problems in libraries,' said Bertha. 'Wonderful!' replied Captain Bill, 'well I shall be able to draw some small measure of comfort when pierced through with cutlasses that you weren't completely wasting your time...and the knitting?' 'Noth...

'So correct me if I'm wrong, which clearly I can't be, but when you said 'just give me the needles, any fool can knit,' were you perhaps a tad overconfident?' 'I still maintain,' replied Captain Bill, 'if you had given me the pattern the right way up!' 'So it is my fault!' mooed Bertha. 'I'm not saying it was deliberate,' replied Captain Bill. 'If I were you I'd be very careful what I was saying,' said Bertha. 'It's just that as a result of your...............slight error,' replied Captain Bill, 'I clearly ended up with my port needle in my starboliarboliboard hoof.' 'I'd hate to think where it might eventually end up!' said Bertha. 'And so,' continued Captain Bill, 'there may be one or two minor deviations from the intended objective for which I clearly cannot be held responsible.' Hmm,' pondered Bertha, 'well that could make two of us who ...

'Well I agree in principal,' agreed Norma, 'but I think we also have to be practical about these things.' 'The thing is if you take him away now he'll never learn,' replied Bertha. 'I suspect he'll be able to live with it,' said Norma, 'and Queen Phoebe is a difficult person to say no to.' 'The problem is they never see knitting as an essential life skill,' added Bertha. 'I don't understand that either,' replied Norma, 'I suppose it's a man thing? Now about these pillars.' 'They still need to go in further,' said Bertha, 'and then I'll get started on building the base platform.' 'I'll try to find time to help you with that,' replied Norma, 'has Annie agreed to the overall height?' 'I asked her and she said Geraldine had checked her calculations.' 'We're so lucky to have Geraldine,' replied Norma. 'There can't be many pe...

'I said 4 small holes!' mooed Bertha. 'That is what I'm trying to do!' replied Horace. 'And they need to be square.' 'That's what I was aiming for!' 'Perhaps,' continued Bertha, 'but you'll have to unpick it.' 'Again?' said Horace desperately. 'Again!' replied Bertha. 'It's got to be right.' 'But I can't get it right!' pleaded Horace. 'Rubbish!' replied Bertha. 'It's just a question of practise.' 'But it's the ninth time!' sobbed Horace. 'So?' asked Bertha. 'Besides, it's character building.' 'I already have a character!' replied Horace. 'Which I am aware of, which is why I'm going easy on you,' said Bertha. 'Going easy on me?????'  'Norma asked me to,' replied Bertha. 'But it has to be right, Annie's life may depend upon it.' 'Could I have a break firs...