Cow Island

Annie finished a most pretty dance and Norman flapped his ears in appreciation. 'And then,' Annie explained, 'I spent 3 months counting my legs.' 'How many did you have?' Norman asked. '214,' Annie replied. 'But it is possible I miscounted as I fell asleep a couple of times and had to start again.' 'Easily done,' Norman said. 'It is!' Annie mooed. 'I just close my eyes and................................' Norman was kind enough to wait for Annie to wake up. 'I had a dream about talking biscuits,' she said. 'I thought you might have,' Norman replied. 'You were nibbling the corner of my costume.' 'So,' Annie asked, 'how have you been occupafying yourself?' 'The usual,' Norman replied, 'cleaning windows, filling swimming pools, it's been mostly trunk based work if I'm honest. I did try hiring myself out as a fountain at weddings but it never re...

'And if you like that I'll make you a full sized one,' Cyril said. Annie took a slurp through her straw. 'It's scrummy! How many strawbleberries did you put in?' she asked. 'All of them,' Cyril replied, 'and then some more.' 'Yippee!' Annie mooed. 'That's exactly what the recipe calls for. I may have a paddle in it later on.'  'A brilliant idea!' 'And then I might have a nap....adventures are very tiring.' 'That's why you shouldn't go on them all that often,' Cyril replied. 'The excitement of them can get dangerously close to exercise and no good can come of that.' 'Wise words,' Annie said. 'From now on I shall only go on an adventure when there's a W in the month....and a Q.....and 4 Ms.' And while you're waiting for Wqmmmmtober to come around?' 'Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?' Annie replied. 'I think I shall just ...

'You are 'olding a piece of seaweed,' Camille observed. 'Yes,' Captain Bill replied. 'OK!' Camille continued. 'I 'ave to tell you that if it is intended as a gift for me, then I am wearing ma disappointed face. Also, I am using the word disappointed and furthermore I wish you to imagine that ma little students 'ave 'astily constructed a sign upon which they 'ave written the word disappointed and they are 'olding it up next to ma 'ead like some sort of oversized think bubble.' 'It's not for you,' Captain Bill replied. 'So, now they 'ave added the word 'very' to the sign as it 'as become clear that I am to receive no gift at all!' 'You see,' Captain Bill began. 'I can only conclude that you were distracted from gift buying by your need to build, what in ma eyes appears to be, an 'urriedly made barricade which you are trying, unsuccessfully I must say, to 'id...

'Well I think it's a bit of a liberty!' trumpeted Norman. Annie ran anticlockwise around Norman for 3 minutes and then gave him a huge hug. 'I shall still love you,' she mooed. 'Thanks,' replied Norman, 'and I'd like to make it quite clear that if anything happens while I'm away I won't be blamed.' 'I shall stand by you,' said Annie, 'or on you or under you or within a 5 mile radius of you.' 'Very kind,' said Norman. 'Pleasure,' replied Annie and she hugged Norman again. 'Thanks again,' said Norman. 'Now, I think that's done, no smears as far as I can see?' 'Shall we take a bun break?' 'I was hoping you might suggest that,' said Norman, 'it's been at least half an hour.' 'My chum, Lord Sir Lord Cyril of Nommingshire recommends never going more than 10 minutes without food,' replied Annie, '...not including snacks.' ...

'So did Horace get you anything?' asked Bertha. 'No!' said Norma.

You've missed him! You've wanted him! You know you've got to have him! The one...the only...he's back at last! IIIIIIIIIIITTTTT'SSSSSSSSSSS CYRILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! (A fly past, a band and a swoon) Ladies! And let's be honest one or two of you might still be! It's me! The love of your life! How are you? Long time no see. What can I say? Your hair! Don't think I haven't noticed! And you're even prettier! How do you manage it? I know what you're thinking Where has he been? What's he been up to? Tell us all! If only I could. Needless to say, hearts mended, cake eaten, I can still lay my hoof on one if you're interested and it'll only be a crime if we're caught! But mostly I've been thinking of you. I won't say what I've been thinking but we giggled a lot and were both very tired when we'd finished. So I'm back in your life and you're back in mine and there's a road ful...

'So you sent it then?' said Norma. 'Mmm,' said Captain Bill, 'sort of.' 'Is there a problem then?' 'A piece of string's already fallen off,' replied Captain Bill, 'and I forgot to put a note in.....I'm not sure she'll know it's from me.' 'But it's a badly wrapped parcel full of rope maintenance pamphlets,' said Norma, 'I think she'll work it out.' 'Possibly,' agreed Captain Bill, 'although I'm still not convinced I should have sent anything at all.' 'Well there's no point in worrying about it now,' said Norma, 'so you'll be pleased to hear that I've brought you something that might be worth a worry.' 'Wonderful!' said Captain Bill, 'I was wondering how I was going to fill my time. So what is it?' 'Possibly best to come and have a look,' replied Norma. So that's what they did....they went and had a look. (Back on Monday)

'No,' said Captain Bill, 'I've not seen him.' 'Humpf!' mooed Bertha. 'When I catch him!' 'He's probably laying low,' replied Captain Bill, 'well as low as he can get...which would still make him unhealthily large.' 'The book's completely ruined,' added Bertha. 'Surprised he left any of it,' replied Captain Bill, 'still that's the sort of thing that happens when you get someone who's insensitive to the feelings of others. Now what do you think of that?' And he held up something. 'What is it?' asked Bertha. 'It's a parcel,' replied Captain Bill, 'I'm sending it to Camille, I wrapped it myself.' 'Well full marks for taking responsibility,' replied Bertha. 'Only she sent me a sort of card thing,' said Captain Bill, 'for Valentine's day.' 'Right,' said Bertha, 'and you're trying to discourage her from sending anything else?...

'Hmm, well,' said Captain Bill, 'I suppose I could have been a little more careful in opening it.' 'It's still a nice card though,' replied Norma. 'Well....yes,' said Captain Bill, '......right better get on.' 'You could always send something in return,' suggested Norma. 'Hmm,' said Captain Bill. 'It's not too late...I'd help you.' '...........I'll think about it,' said Captain Bill. 'Best not to think for too long,' added Norma. 'I've got some spare copies of a pamphlet on rope maintenance.' 'Perhaps you could include a couple of free samples of used string,' said Norma. 'After all you wouldn't want to appear overly formal.' 'Good thinking,' said Captain Bill. And he herded off towards the rope museum and Norma stood shaking her head for a while.

'Just there!' mooed Captain Bill. 'What's that? Is it a word?' 'Well I can't see with you in the way,' replied Norma. 'It is!' said Captain Bill. 'Now what is it?' 'Why don't you just take the card out?' asked Norma. 'Then you can read what it says.' 'I think it starts with an I,' said Captain Bill, 'and it's quite long.' 'Imbecile?' 'Pardon!' 'Well it's a long word beginning with I,' replied Norma. 'You're suggesting it's a Valentine with the word imbecile on the front of it?' 'Only trying to help,' said Norma. 'Anyway it's not that long.' 'Idiot?' 'What!' 'It's a shorter word beginning with I,' said Norma. 'Thank you!' said Captain Bill. 'Very helpful, very helpful indeed.'

'So......so what exactly do you think he's trying to do?' asked Bertha. 'I'm not certain,' replied Norma, 'but my best guess is that he's trying to worry it open.' 'Could take a while.' 'I don't think that's really going to bother him,' said Norma. 'No possibly not,' replied Bertha, '......and after that?' 'I doubt he's thought that far ahead,' said Norma. Bertha nodded in agreement and for a while they stood and watched Captain Bill. 'I've a good mind to go and open it for him,' said Bertha. 'Oh, I wouldn't,' replied Norma, 'it'll spoil the fun and besides he's doing quite well, I think there's almost a hole in one corner. After the last couple of weeks I could do with something like this.' 'True,' replied Bertha, 'it has been busy.' 'Mmmm,' said Norma, 'so I've arranged for us to have a week off so we can sort ourselves ou...

'It arrived on Monday,' said Norma. 'Right,' said Captain Bill. 'But as you know I was rather busy.' 'Right,' said Captain Bill. 'Sorry I forgot.' 'Fine,' said Captain Bill. 'It is addressed to you,' added Norma. 'Mmmmm,' said Captain Bill. 'I think it's rather sweet.' Captain Bill looked at Norma. 'I suppose there's any chance it's a tax demand?' 'Given that it's in a red envelope, perfumed and says 'To Ma Hero Capitaine Bill' on the front, I doubt it.' 'Right,' said Captain Bill. 'You'll probably want to be opening it,' suggested Norma. The hero Capitaine Bill peered at the envelope. 'Might leave it a while....' 'Why?' asked Norma. '.....Just because.'

'Well really!' mooed Captain Bill. 'You do have to wonder whether it was worth the effort?' 'Norma seems to think it was, 'replied Bertha. 'Hmm, well she's too easy going anyway.' ''I suppose if they're happy in each others company...' 'Possibly,' conceded Captain Bill, 'although I can't help feeling she could do better for herself. A fainting, unpublished poet isn't exactly top draw material.' 'I suspect that's part of the attraction for her,' replied Bertha, 'that and the fact that he's kind.' 'Wishy washy more like,' said Captain Bill. 'If you're going to get anywhere in life you've got to be decisive, even in affairs of the heart.' 'Really?' asked Bertha. 'Of yes!' replied Captain Bill. 'The trouble with Horace is he keeps backing away from things and no good ever came of that!'

'It wasn't my idea,' said Horace. 'I didn't think it was!' replied Norma. 'And then...' 'I know,' said Norma, 'but they meant well.' 'Was the meal nice?' 'Mmm, I enjoyed it, Cyril's a very good cook.' 'What did you have for dessert?' '5 trifles,' replied Norma, 'there are still a couple left over if you'd like some?' 'I think I could manage a couple...and perhaps something to drink.' 'I'll go and get a selection and you can choose what you want.' 'Thank you,' said Horace. 'My pleasure,' said Norma and she slowly turned to go. 'Norma,' said Horace. 'Yes?' said Norma. 'Perhaps, when I'm feeling better, we could go for a walk sometime.' 'Yes,' said Norma, 'I'd like that, I'd like that a lot.'

'So what's happening?' asked Captain Bill. 'I'm eating this Kiev,' replied Cyril. 'As you very well know that is not what I meant,' said Captain Bill, '....where did you get it from anyway?' 'It's Horace's,' replied Cyril. 'HORACE'S!' said Captain Bill. 'Well he's not eating it,' replied Cyril. 'He's not eaten anything so far,' said Annie. 'Or said anything,' noted Bertha. 'Oh honestly!' said Captain Bill, 'just how hopeless can he get!' 'He's just sitting there,' said Annie. 'Apart from when he's fallen over,' added Bertha. 'FALLEN OVER!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'Twice so far,' replied Cyril. 'Not easy to do when you're already sitting down but he's managed it.' 'I think he's just too nervousified,' said Annie. 'Hopeless,' said Captain Bill, 'absolutely hopeless! Well I don't suppose it c...

'Pleeeeeeeaaassssseeeee!' gasped Horace. 'It's for your own good,' mooed Bertha. 'I'm not convinced!' said Horace. 'Well Norma's then,' suggested Bertha. 'Errrr?' said Horace. Bertha stopped and put Horace down. 'So what's the alternative?' she asked. '....I could write a poem about her?' said Horace. 'And that would achieve?' 'Wellllllllll....' began Horace. 'Exactly!' said Bertha and she picked him up again. 'There's a thing called destiny,' she explained, 'and it's waiting for you to arrive!' 'Could you ask it to wait a little longer?' asked Horace. 'Sorry chum,' said Bertha, 'time's up!'

'Sooooooooo......how are you?' 'Fine,' replied Norma. 'Excellent!' said Captain Bill. 'Excellent...........excellent.' 'So if you don't mind me asking.....why are we here?' 'Well,' replied Captain Bill, 'to be honest.....I suppose I'm not.' 'Really?' said Norma. 'Yes,' said Captain Bill. '.......So where are you?' 'Ermmmmmm, well I'm not really anywhere else either.' 'Hmm,' said Norma, 'would it be terribly amiss of me to say I'm not sure what's going on?' 'Oh, I'm way ahead of you there,' replied Captain Bill. 'Right.' 'The point is,' continued Captain Bill, 'I'm just keeping a seat warm.' 'There aren't any seats,' said Norma. 'A patch of grass then,' replied Captain Bill, 'a patch of grass that will hopefully soon be occupied by another.' 'And will they have a better idea about what's go...

'Gone!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'Correct!' replied Cyril. 'On his hooves and away.' 'Bertha's gone to find him,' added Annie. 'Is that wise?' asked Captain Bill. 'She's promised the bruises won't show,' replied Cyril. 'Well that's better treatment than I get,' said Captain Bill, 'but in the meantime?' 'Someone will have to stand in for him,' said Cyril, 'and Norma's already on her way.' 'Ah!' replied Captain Bill. And he looked at Cyril. 'I'm doing the cooking,' said Cyril. 'Right,' said Captain Bill. And he looked at Annie...who smiled back and wiggled her hat. 'My assistant,' said Cyril. 'Oh really?' said Captain Bill. 'Absolutamente!' replied Cyril. '....So it's you.' 'I could help with the cooking as well you know!' suggested Captain Bill. 'We'll tell Bertha if you don't,' said Annie. 'Just do...

'Perhaps,' suggested Captain Bill, 'if we could just move in a little?' 'But I like it close to the edge,' said Horace, 'it makes me feel alive.' 'I'm sure it does,' replied Captain Bill, 'it's just I'm afraid that if I fall off I'll end up feeling dead....which I'd rather like to avoid.' 'But it's perfectly safe,' said Horace. And he jumped up and down a few times. 'Please don't do that!' said Captain Bill. 'After all we wouldn't want you to come to any harm, not with only a week to go.' 'That's what I wanted to talk to you about,' said Horace. 'I thought it might be,' replied Captain Bill. Horace sighed and looked out across the sea. 'I....I was wondering if you had any advice?' 'ME?' mooed Captain Bill. 'Well you are my Captain,' said Horace. 'Yes,' replied Captain Bill, '....erm.....well....erm, I suppose it's a bit like...

Norma stared at Bertha.......VERY, VERY HARD. 'Ha!' mooed Norma. 'You twitched!' 'Never,' said Bertha. 'You did!' replied Norma. 'Involuntary horn spasm,' said Bertha. 'Rubbish!' said Norma and she stared at Bertha again...VERY, VERY, VERY HARD. 'You did it again!' exclaimed Norma. 'That proves it! There is something going on!' 'No, no, no!' replied Bertha. 'There must be,' said Norma. 'You might think you're tough but you twitched....now what is it?' 'Nothing,' said Bertha. '.......what are you doing on the 14th?' 'Why?' 'Just asking,' said Bertha. 'Only you might want to leave it free.....around lunchtime.' Norma herded closer to Bertha. 'I know what day that is,' she said. 'Fine,' said Bertha, '.....maybe dress up a bit, nice shawl, smidge of lippy, catch you later.' And with that Bertha ran off. 'I thought you were a friend!...