Cow Island

Lefty yawned and scratched his fleece. It was only six o'clock in the morning but there was so much paperwork to be done. He'd already got A through to F sorted out and was about to take the next file from the shelf when there was the sound of approaching hooves from behind.' 'So, 'ere they are,' Camille called out and she presented Lefty with a number of forms. 'Hmm?' Lefty replied. 'There is, I 'ope, no problem?' Camille said. 'Well,' Lefty replied, 'I suppose I was expecting some sort of standard form.' 'Ah!' Camille mooed. 'In ma country it is customary for parents to write a consent form for their child to appear in a major blockbusting film on any old scrap of paper they can find.' 'Two of them are on tissues,' Lefty observed, 'and this one's on the back of a bar bill!' 'What can I say,' Camille replied, 'but still they are all genuine forms completed by th...

'So, as soon as Jean Claude 'ere showed me the leaflet, I said to maself that for the sake of ma little students I must attend!' '......................................What other choice did you have?' Captain Bill replied. 'Exactament!' Camille continued. 'And of course I do not need to explain to you that the trip is entirely for educational purposes and not in any way an excuse for me to get a free 'oliday and 'ang around film stars...'ave you seen any yet?' 'Afraid not,' Captain Bill replied. 'I was 'oping for a few autographs...to show the parents when we get back you understand. Perhaps a photo? Myself, the leading man, 'aving dinner on a terrace overlooking a bay...'is private yacht in the background?' 'For purely educational purposes?' Captain Bill replied. 'Indeed!' Camille nodded. 'Also, the bit about them needing actors. Would you know if that was paid work by any ch...

'Really!' Camille exclaimed. 'Is ma life to be forever plagued by pushy parents writing letters of unjustified complaint!' 'I don't know,' Captain Bill replied, '.................................is it?' 'Well, it appears so,' said Camille and she waved the offending epistle in his face. 'What's the problem?' Norma asked. Camille shrugged her horns. 'This 'as just reached me and once again I am asked to justify the costs of ma mostly reasonably priced school uniforms.' '.....................................Is there a uniform?' said Captain Bill. 'There are several versions,' Camille replied. 'Summer, autumn, a bit later in the autumn, early winter.' 'That would appear to be quite a few,' Norma suggested. 'But I 'ave already dropped the very late autumn and 23rd of August uniforms and what thanks do I get?' 'I,' Captain Bill began, 'I can't ...

'Ooooooooh? It was a long time ago,' said Flossie. 'I suppose, history, geography, blowing enemy vessels out of the water...and needlework.' 'Needlework?' bleated Lefty. 'Wouldn't have been putting my last doubloon on that!' 'Just had a knack for it,' replied Flossie, 'and did consider it as a career option but then my Pirate teacher persuaded me that I'd be better off doing evil laugh lessons so I never pursued it.' 'Good skill to have though.' 'Still mend my own eye patches,' replied Flossie. 'But to go back to your original question, I never bother with languages. Just wasn't my thing.' 'Not really my cup of tea either,' bleated Lefty, 'I can remember odd bits and pieces and for some reason I've always hung onto one of those translating dictionaries.' 'Glad you did!' replied Flossie. 'Who'd have thought we'd end up somewhere foreign? So what hav...

'And so,' began Annie, 'if we have one very large cake and we add another very large cake, what do we have?' Cyril waved his tail. 'Not enough cake?' Annie herded towards him. 'Have you been looking in my answer book?' she asked. Cyril shook his head. 'Hmm,' said Annie, 'well it's the right answer. I may have to make you cake monitor.' And Cyril reluctantly agreed to take on the extra responsibility. Annie was just about to ask a follow up question about sticky toffee pudding when Norma arrived. 'How's it going?' she asked. 'Very well thank you,' replied Annie, 'I thought a trial lesson might help me to get a better idea of what's involved.' 'Excellent!' said Norma,'although this might not be quite how it would actually be in reality.' 'Reality?' asked Annie. 'Another day,' replied Norma, 'the point is and I don't want to take you away from this but it's th...

Morning all! Right, let's have no more time wasted with chat about hats. There's simply no point at all in a few men* getting in a tizz because Norma and myself took it upon ourselves to purchase a few. If a lady can't treat herself from time to time etc, etc. Anyway there's far more important things to be getting on with. As has already been mentioned we'll be setting off for home soon. We're just loading the Mootilus and rounding up the bodies. Annie seems to have acquired a small library of books from who knows where and Cyril's wine purchases will need to be stowed away. Our departure will also mean that Ms Camille will be able to get on with educating her little students. School trips are all well and good but they've been out of the classroom for far too long. I've suggested extra homework for the next couple of months so they can catch up. Right, must be getting on Bertha * term used with caution.

Camille stood looking across a very overgrown classroom. 'Now I'm thinking that telling the caretaker not to bother too much until we got back was a bit of an administrative error!' she declared. 'I'm sure we can help to get things sorted out,' suggested Captain Bill. 'CYRIL!' called Bertha. 'Already onto it!' munched Cyril.'Has anyone got any salt?' But they didn't. 'Still it's clearly a lovely school,' suggested Norma. 'I like to think so,' mooed Camille,'and unless little Jean Claude has suddenly grown a lot, I think I can safely say that 'e 'as found ma desk!' And indeed he had. 'Right,' continued Camille,'all we need to do now is locate the books and pencils and ma register and everything will be, 'ow you say, all ship shape.' 'Burp!' burped Cyril. 'Hmm,' said Norma,'I fear we might have just lost the register!' 'Burp!' burped Cyril for...