Cow Island

Lefty yawned and scratched his fleece. It was only six o'clock in the morning but there was so much paperwork to be done. He'd already got A through to F sorted out and was about to take the next file from the shelf when there was the sound of approaching hooves from behind.' 'So, 'ere they are,' Camille called out and she presented Lefty with a number of forms. 'Hmm?' Lefty replied. 'There is, I 'ope, no problem?' Camille said. 'Well,' Lefty replied, 'I suppose I was expecting some sort of standard form.' 'Ah!' Camille mooed. 'In ma country it is customary for parents to write a consent form for their child to appear in a major blockbusting film on any old scrap of paper they can find.' 'Two of them are on tissues,' Lefty observed, 'and this one's on the back of a bar bill!' 'What can I say,' Camille replied, 'but still they are all genuine forms completed by th...

'Testing, testing, one two, one two....no, no it's still not working,' Flossie bleated. 'Mum said she's done all she can,' Lefty replied. 'Don't doubt it for a moment,' Flossie said. 'Still, would have been nice. Refund?' 'Been trying to get in contact with the supplier but there's just a recorded message saying they're away.' 'Hmm,' Flossie said. 'Could use it as a prop?' Lefty suggested. 'Could do!' Flossie agreed. 'Thus turning a disappointment into a success. Now, what's to be done next?' 'Casting,' Lefty replied. 'Oooh! Sounds good to me,' Flossie said. 'I've been rather looking forward to it in an odd kind of way.' 'Me too!' Lefty replied. 'Makes me feel like we're making a proper film.' 'Brilliant!' Flossie bleated. 'Well, let's get on with it. Piece by piece the fiendishly diabolical jigsaw comes t...

'Your mum's a diamond,' Flossie bleated. 'She's surprised even me this time,' Lefty replied. 'When we get home I'm going to get her...well...actually, what does your mum like?' 'I'm never sure,' Lefty sighed. 'She's very difficult to buy for. When they get to that age they never seem to want for much.' 'Well, whatever she decides on. She's saved our lives and no mistake.' 'I didn't know she could pilot a balloon. She's never mentioned it.' 'I bet there's a lot we don't know about your mum.' 'Possibly a lot I wouldn't want to know!' And Flossie and Lefty laughed. '.........................................................Pity we couldn't get everyone in,' Lefty said. 'We won't be abandoning them,' Flossie replied. 'I don't care how long it takes, we'll go back for them. We're a flock...a family. We'll be tog...

'It'sssssssssssssssssss quite wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiindy up here,' Flossie bleated. Lefty nodded. 'Strictly speaking we shouldn't have come up without making a full risk assessment first.' 'Think it's a bit too late for that this time around,' Flossie replied. 'Perhaps I should start carrying a couple of safety harnesses just in case?' 'Feel free to bring it up at the next management meeting.' 'Will do!' '.............................................Good view though. Reminds me of being at the top of a mainsail.' 'Back in the good old days!' 'Yer! I think next time we'll have to get back to some old fashioned pirating.' 'I'm sure the flock would be right behind you.' '....................................................................Sorry it's all gone wrong again.' 'Not your fault,' Lefty replied. 'Appreciate your support,' Flo...

Flossie and Lefty looked at Cyril, then at each other and then back at Cyril. 'He's almost broken the bank,' Lefty bleated. Annie waved her tail to attract their attention. 'He's done it before,' she giggled. 'True!' Cyril said. 'And I have to admit it was entirely my own fault. I should have looked where I was sitting.' 'Did your bum look big in it?' Annie asked. 'I'd prefer the word 'pert',' Cyril replied. 'Right, one more game of tiddlywinks? Double or quits and free snogs for the winners?' 'Just a moment!' Flossie interrupted. 'Tis my casino! Har! Har!' 'Nicely done,' Lefty added, 'very piratey.' 'Ta!' Flossie replied. 'Tis my casino or rather the flocks, but no need to go into detail. Tis our casino and there'll be no more tiddlywinks...for it isn't a proper game!' 'Not a proper game!' Cyril exclaimed. 'Not a proper ...

'Ma clients are not without sympathy,' Camille explained. 'A young mother, 'er lambs 'er only concern. She must provide for them or face poverty. In desperation she turns to a life of crime. Who among us cannot imagine such a thing 'appening?' Queen Phoebe coughed. 'One is fine with the life of crime but I'm finding it tricky to imagine being poor. Perhaps if some short pamphlet could be provided? One could get a servant to read it and pass on the general gist.' 'I shall ask young Blanche to write 'er 'omework about it,' Camille replied. 'She is due to write a begging letter to 'er parents soon anyway.' 'Much obliged,' Queen Phoebe said. 'And so,' Camille continued, 'ma clients would like to be lenient. But a poet's stomach 'as been damaged. Is there a more serious crime? Will 'e ever be able to....' 'Get to the point!' Bertha mooed. 'Compensation!' C...

'And so I demand immediate access to ma clients,' Camille announced. 'And you are?' Flossie asked. 'Mademoiselle FiFi,' Camille replied, 'lawyer to the stars....but I do also work for ordinary 'olidaymakers....which ma clients are....so nothing dodgy is going on.' 'Reasonable enough,' Flossie said. 'But how do you come to be here?' Lefty inquired. 'I too was also on 'oliday...as is ma good friend, Nurse Geraldine...talk about coincidence! But it means we can be 'ere to ensure fair play and a whopping big payout for the legal negligence that 'as inflicted a cold tummy upon a great and famous poet, which 'as become the talk of all the guests.' '...........................And you're really a lawyer?' Flossie questioned. 'Confirmed by ma lawyer 'at which I am wearing, so, there is like no doubt.' 'Looks like a teachers hat to me?' Flossie suggested. 'They are...

'I say old chap, things in our frightfully wonderful new casino do seem to be...,' Flossie paused, '..is it really World Don't Talk Like A Pirate Day?' he asked. 'It is indeed old boy,' Lefty replied. 'Then it would be churlish of me not to join in. Do please inform me of how things are progressing, Lefty, old thing.' 'I'm terribly pleased to report that everything is tip top and super,' Lefty bleated. 'Our dear little casino is proving to be the hit of the whole enterprise.' 'Top 'ole and no mistake,' Flossie replied. 'I expect that the profit from here could be buying us a new ship in next to no time.' 'Splendid! Would it be amiss of me to ask for confirmation that our security arrangements are just as first class as always?' 'Happy to do so, my dear,' Lefty replied. 'It's all very discrete of course but there are cameras inside and guards on continuous patrol around t...

'Har! Har! Har! Give me the preliminary financial figures, fully accepting that they may be revised and amended at a later date, and be quick about it. Har! Har! Har!.............How was that?'  'Oh, I liked it,' Lefty replied. 'Piratey but also fiscally responsible at the same time.' 'That's what I wanted,' Flossie bleated, 'but I wasn't sure I'd managed it?' 'I don't think you need have any fears,' Lefty said. 'Anyway, overall it's been a strong performance so far with most areas doing as well as or better than expected.' 'Fantastic!' 'There's a couple of places where we're not shoveling in the spondulicks as quickly as I'd hoped but we did have some higher than expected start up costs.' 'Bound to happen. I see you've moved Harriet to snacks?' 'We were short, she offered and we had spoken about widening her role.' 'Good for her! I'm su...

'So, can I put a 9 in here?' 'Er?' Lefty replied. '..........................No, you've already got a 9 up there at the top.' 'Of course!' Flossie sighed. 'I'm rubbish at these things.' 'It's just practice.' 'Possibly? I'll try and finish it later on. I see you've got some more signs going up.' 'Wanted to keep adding in extra details. Makes it look more professional.' 'Fine by me,' Flossie bleated. 'Strange things really, when you think about it.' 'Signs?' 'No, tourists.' 'Mum used to take us on holiday when we were lambs.' 'Really?' 'Well, it was just the far end of the field, but still, we enjoyed it.' 'What did you do?' 'Not much, we'd run around a bit, get our heads stuck in a hedge, that sort of thing.' 'Still, nice to go somewhere different.' 'And yourself?' Flossie shook...

'But I never felt that I had the parental support that I needed so I gave it up in the end and went in to full time evilness,' Flossie concluded. 'Well,' Lefty replied, 'sad if you had your heart set upon it but the world of competitive crocheting's loss was our gain.' 'I'd like to think that I've repaid the flock for the faith it's shown in me. Anyway, enough of my life story. How's everything going with the plan? I see Harriet's back with us.' 'Thought it was the perfect role for her. Meet and greet is always a tricky one to nail but she's a natural.' 'We all have our strengths and weaknesses,' Flossie bleated. 'Although I'd be reluctant to see us pushing her down a stereotypical career path when she's capable of doing so much more.' 'I've assured her that we'll have a review after 3 months and if she wants to explore wider horizons we'll discuss available courses ...

'Just a shed full of manky old bits of rope,' Lefty explained. 'Really?' Flossie replied. 'The flock doesn't scare easily but the general opinion is that it must have belonged to a complete nutter!' 'Shame!'  'It was only Slightly Threatening Dave who was prepared to go in there on his own.' 'Top pirate!' 'So, I've had it all cleared out and thrown away.' 'Well,' Flossie mused, 'at least it helps to explain who we sold all of that rope to.' 'Which reminds me,' Lefty said, 'been asked to say, everyone wanted to congratulate you on 'The Small Island Supply Company'. Possibly your most despicable idea yet.' 'It wasn't a bad one was it, although I couldn't have managed it without your administrative skills,' Flossie bleated. 'and how else where we going to find out the addresses of all those islands that we needed to steal.' 'And now we...

'Ah!' Flossie sighed. 'Is there any prettier sight than watching young lambs gambling in a field?' 'Thought you'd approve,' Lefty replied, 'and we do need to test the equipment.' 'It's a grand idea,' said Flossie. 'Parents alright about it? I'm sure you must have checked.' 'Did indeed,' Lefty bleated. 'Harriet was a little concerned at first.' 'Reason?' Flossie asked. 'Well, it's not particularly piratey.' 'True!' Flossie replied. 'And she was worried about cheating, but I assured her that it was allowed.' 'Start 'em young if you want them to become despicable, that's my motto,' said Flossie. 'Is it? Lefty asked. 'Not really,' said Flossie. 'I've never been big on mottoes.' Hookey tapped on the soft warm grass. 'True!' Flossie replied, 'very true! Now, fiendish scheme update if you please.'  ...

'Then that's where I'd definitely consider using a white gypsophila,' said Flossie, 'it helps to soften the display without distracting the eye from the central themes of the arrangement.' 'I'll try adding some next time around,' Lefty replied. 'We're only three weeks into the course but I've learned so much already.' 'Glad to hear it,' Flossie bleated. 'Now, back to more piratey things. Crew well? Ship safe? Are we making a good speed?' 'To be honest we're not at our swiftest,' said Lefty, 'but we are towing an island.' 'Only to be expected then,' Flossie replied, 'and no reflection on a tip top crew.' 'But we should be home in a day or two,' Lefty added, 'so we're still on schedule.' 'Then we can crack on with phase 2?' Lefty nodded. 'Just a bit more paperwork to do before then though,' and he passed a form across to Flossie, who...

'Har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, me hearties!...Actually, I may have gone on a bit there,' said Flossie. 'Sounded fine to me,' Lefty replied. 'Really?' Flossie asked. 'Only I've not done any har, hars for a while and I sort of got carried away.' 'Helps to establish your character though,' Lefty suggested. 'So it does!' Flossie agreed. 'Right, on with the plot?' 'I think so,' said Lefty. 'Ah, me lucky lads and lasses,' Flossie continued, 'Har, har etc, etc. Why bother plundering ships when you can steal whole islands!' 'Well, actually, it does create quite a lot more paperwork,' Lefty replied. 'Does it?' said Flossie. 'That hadn't occurred to me. Meant it as a rhetorical question but now we're here, are you OK with the new found pressure or should we be recruiting some temporary extra admin staff? Hours and rem...

'It's generally thought of as being characterised by unusual simile or metaphor,' explained Flossie, 'combined with simple verse forms. It just doesn't work for me.' 'I must read some,' Lefty replied. 'I've got some somewhere in a general anthology,' bleated Flossie. 'I'll dig it out and lend it to you.' 'We could always ask the prisoner if he's written any?' 'Hmm,' said Flossie. 'In my experience it's better not to fraternise with prisoners, not poet ones anyway. You can end up feeling terribly depressed.' 'Still,' replied Lefty, 'good to have a prisoner.' 'Oh, yes!' said Flossie. 'Guns, pointy swords, gunpowder and now a prisoner. You must be feeling pleased?' 'Of course,' replied Flossie. 'Although in leadership terms it does bring its own problems.' 'How so?' 'Well,' said Flossie, 'it's widely accepte...

'And you flick that catch there and it allows you to fire three shots at different ranges,' said Lefty. 'Brilliant!' bleated Flossie. 'And if you press the black button, a tripod drops down so you can use it in a sustained fire role.' 'Terrific!' And if you press the white button?' 'That's a digital radio and one of those things for getting horses hooves out of stones. To be honest, I see that as more of a gimmick.' 'Mmm,' replied Flossie. 'Not sure you'd get a lot of use out of that. I did once serve on a ship that had a horse as 2nd mate. It used to spend all its time running around the deck, jumping over the cannon...and it was rubbish at climbing in the rigging.' 'It sounds nice to have a mix of species,' replied Lefty, 'but statistics prove that all sheep ships work best.' 'You've got my vote on that one,' said Flossie. 'Now, is everyone happy with what they've...

'Never happy being the one to say I told you so,' bleated Flossie. 'Have it sorted out in a jiffy,' replied Lefty. 'Are there many more to do?' 'These two and Harriet.' 'She's here then?' 'Down at the end,' replied Lefty. 'She's in a hi vis, so if you want to have a word, she's easy to pick out.' 'Well, nice to see her, despite the circumstances.' 'My thoughts exactly. Although she'll need to be off as soon as I free her. The lamb care ends at 4.30 and she gets charged extra if she's late picking them up.' 'You should tell her to bring them along.' 'Not allowed,' replied Lefty. 'The legislation's very clear.' 'Really?' said Flossie. 'I'm sure I used to at their age and I had a Saturday job painting the crosses onto pirate flags.' 'Just the crosses?' 'Just the crosses!' 'I used to help my uncle testi...

'Are we absolutely sure we want to...' 'Yes!' mooed Bertha. 'Yes!' agreed Norma. 'I can see my tail!' added Annie and then she fell over and nibbled at some grass that was in front of her. 'I think you could have at least let me finish,' said Captain Bill. 'Why?' asked Bertha. 'Because it would have shown some respect,' replied Captain Bill. 'I think you've answered your own question there,' said Bertha. 'And anyway,' continued Captain Bill, 'they'll be miles ahead of us.' 'But we can track them,' replied Norma and she indicated the magnifying glass that had been fixed to a small trolley (although she had to walk around Annie first). 'And you think that'll work?' asked Captain Bill. 'It already has,' replied Norma and this time it was Geraldine who did the pointing, which was towards a crumpled piece of paper that lay just out of Annie's nibb...

'Flock reporting for pre-disembarkation pep talk and any other matters arising,' advised Lefty. 'Is this really everyone?' asked Flossie. 'As can be spared,' replied Lefty. 'Not many?'  'There is still essential steering work to be done,' replied Lefty, 'and Mum's feeling a bit tired.' 'It's that time of day,' agreed Flossie. 'Wouldn't mind a nap myself. Still, on with the talk, basic plan, arrive at island, pop inland, create havoc, looting, raiding, etc, etc. Then double back, find a more suitable ship and push forward with the general pirating.' The flock bleated in agreement. 'And just to confirm,' asked Lefty, 'because I have been asked to enquire, we'll be doing all of this together, as a flock?' 'Indeed!' replied Flossie. 'I see no reason to split us up.' And once more the flock bleated in agreement (only more heartily because they'd been genu...