Cow Island

'But it's a higher tariff,' explained Bertha, 'because it's quite a tricky dive.' 'Is this going to go on for much longer?' asked Captain Bill. 'Oh don't be such a spoil sport!' replied Norma. So Geraldine did her dive and everyone applauded. 'I have to say she looks very at home in the water,' added Norma. 'She's a penguin!' exclaimed Captain Bill. 'Of course she's going to look at home in the water! She's a penguin, it's where they live!' 'Just saying,' replied Norma. 'This is ridiculous!' continued Captain Bill. 'We've only been here for half an hour,' said Bertha. 'And for how long are we required to remain?' asked Captain Bill, 'or didn't Ms Nutter specify?' 'You're only saying that...' called out Annie but the rest of her words were drowned out by Geraldine taking another dive. 'It's almost as if she were ...

'Well I did say you'd be better off going 13, triple 17 and double top to finish,' said Queen Phoebe. 'You did!' replied Cyril. 'Why didn't I listen? I'm a fool to myself sometimes!'  'So that's me ahead 15 games to 3,' announced Queen Phoebe. 'I just never thought you'd be this good,' replied Cyril. 'It's what comes from 'aving so many archers,' explained Queen Phoebe, 'and  'is royal kingshipfulness, isn't he lovely, 'as always been partial to a game or two.' 'You live and learn,' replied Cyril. 'You do!' agreed Queen Phoebe. 'One never thought One would see the day when a castle wall would be half inched that's for sure.' 'If you don't nail it down!' replied Cyril. 'And people what is in bowler hats used to be so trustworthy,' continued Queen Phoebe. 'It's a lack of self discipline,' replied Cyril. 'If yo...

'I thought you only had to have one person at the bottom,' said Captain Bill. 'No they've changed it,' replied Norma. 'You have to have one at the top and two at the bottom.' 'Interesting,' mooed Captain Bill. 'So Bertha will start her off and you and I will be at the finish.' 'Cyril?' 'He'll go down first to polish the track.' 'Clever!' said Captain Bill. 'Well I think we sometimes forget just how good Annie is at this,' replied Norma. 'You know she considered turning professional at one point.' 'True,' said Captain Bill, 'and the hoof mittens?' 'Completely legal,' replied Norma. 'Annie wouldn't cheat at this, she takes it too seriously.' 'And Horace?' 'He's busy,' replied Norma, 'but he's agreed to do a new poem for Friday.' 'Something cheerful?' asked Captain Bill. 'Now don't start!' said Norma.

'Could you just? Look, no! Just let go! Let go! I said LET GO!' shouted Captain Bill. 'I thought this might happen!' called out Cyril. 'It's hopeless!' exclaimed Captain Bill,'37 of us all trying to hang onto 1 pole!' 'It's the flocking instinct!' replied Cyril,'they only just managed to suppress it in practice but once the pressure's on they just can't stop themselves from doing everything together!' 'But the whole idea is that 1 of us flies effortlessly through the air,' puffed Captain Bill,'we've been around the field 3 times already and so far the only 1 that's taken off wasn't actually attached to the pole!' 'Sorry about that!' replied Cyril,'but he was starting to annoy me!' 'I don't suppose they'll miss 1!' conceded Captain Bill,'and anyway he set a new record for the 100m!' 'They've even delayed the medal ceremony until they ge...

'I'm just a bit unsure what to do next?' said Norma. 'Hope it all just gets better?' suggested Captain Bill. 'I think we need to be a bit more pro-active than that,' replied Norma,'I have asked Horace to make a note of everything we've seen so far.' 'Does he have to do it as a poem?' asked Captain Bill. 'He just works better that way,' replied Norma. But at that very moment Bertha herded towards them. 'Major development!' she gasped. 'So the military are involved!' replied Captain Bill, but Norma just hit him. 'I've just spoken to the organisers,' continued Bertha,'they've had a letter from Camille saying that they're not very well and won't be coming.' 'See!' mooed Captain Bill,'I said there'd be a simple explanation!' 'Possibly,' replied Norma,'possibly not! But at least I know exactly what we need to do next!' So they went off to do...

'Well they look alright to me!' said Captain Bill. 'Who are they?' asked Bertha. 'St Hopeless's School for the Athletically Uninterested,' replied Cyril. 'And this is the lot that you think are up to no good?' asked Norma. 'Look!' replied Cyril. 'If you want to make a lot of money you need long odds, that means everyone has to see you as an outsider.' 'And then you win?' suggested Norma. 'Exactly mon petite cake baking chum!' replied Cyril. 'So whoever diverted Camille must be working hoof in hoof mitten with this lot! exclaimed Bertha. Cyril nodded. 'They can't have felt confident about beating Ms Camille's team but they expect to beat everyone else.' So for a while everyone sat and watched the suspects. 'You know,' said Captain Bill,'now that I've had longer to look at them, there is something very suspicious about them.' 'What's that?' asked Norma. ...

'So which event is this?' asked Captain Bill. 'The 400m cold custard limbo relay,' replied Norma, 'but this is just a training session.' 'I...I don't think I've ever heard of that before!' said Captain Bill. 'It's not run very often,'replied Bertha,'it's getting a good custard supplier that's the stumbling block.' 'And the school?' asked Captain Bill. 'Spiffing School for the Wonderfully Athletic.' replied Norma,'they're favorites now that Ms Camille's team isn't here.' 'Right!' said Captain Bill. 'Well it comes as no surprise, they're a right shifty looking bunch! Obviously they're behind the whole scam!' 'Possibly?' replied Norma, 'but I have to say they just look like a nice group of well behaved children to me.' 'Rubbish!' mooed Captain Bill,'there's a clear criminal element to them.' 'Actually,' said...

'On course spread betting?!?' mooed Captain Bill. 'Yep!' replied Cyril. 'At a children's athletics competition?' 'Well people have to make a living,' said Cyril. 'Is it legal?' asked Captain Bill. It is at this one,' replied Cyril,'that's why it's so popular. Big money to be made if you get the right result. Particularly now that the favorites have failed to show.' 'You mean Ms Camille and her little students?' asked Norma. 'That's right,' replied Cyril,'the chap I spoke to said they were heavily fancied in several of the individual events AND for the team trophy.' 'Which means we're undoubtedly looking at a highly complex conspiracy!' said Bertha. 'Unless they just got on the wrong balloon.' suggested Captain Bill. Everyone looked at Captain Bill. 'You're all going to look awfully foolish if I'm right!' he added. Everyone agreed that they were wi...

'So where next?' asked Bertha. 'Hmm,' replied Cyril,'let's try over there.' And so together the two wandered towards a quieter area which was at the end of the main course. 'But we've been here before!' said Bertha. 'I know,' replied Cyril,'but I have my reasons.' What reasons exactly?' asked Bertha. 'Him,' replied Cyril and with the briefest flick of his tail he indicated a man who was standing at the end of one of the tents. 'But he was there last time we were here,' said Bertha. 'And he's still here now!' replied Cyril,'which begs the question why?' 'So what do we do now?' asked Bertha. ' 'We' don't do anything,' replied Cyril,'I'll go over and talk to him on my own.' 'So what shall I do?' asked Bertha. 'I don't mind,' replied Cyril,'you can do whatever you like.' 'But I'm supposed to be helping you!...

'Wellllllllll,' said Norma,'I suppose you could always ask someone.' 'I know it's a bit late in the day,' replied Horace,'but I can't see how they could go ahead without one.' Norma stopped and looked at Horace. 'Actually,' she said,'I think some sporting events do take place without an official poet...and besides they could already have appointed one!' Horace looked crestfallen. 'Perhaps you could just freelance?' suggested Norma. 'And then sell to the highest bidder!' replied Horace. 'Possibly,' said Norma. 'There might even be a book in it,' continued Horace. 'Yes,' said Norma,'although I wouldn't get your hopes up too high and besides, for the moment, you're helping me to find Camille.....which we still don't seem to be managing to do!' And indeed they hadn't despite having covered most of the tents and marques. 'Perhaps they've gone to a poet...

It's Thursday! ...He's here... and he's doing what he does best. Ittttttttttt'sssssssssssssssssssssss Cyrillllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll! (Polite applause, a bottle of plonk, and a cucumber sandwich.) Morning chums, are we well? Of course we are! As I'm sure you will know, due to a small error of judgement on my part, we are now in a life or death struggle to recover our mighty ship, the 'Pickled Heifer'. But fear not: a top team has been assembled and is even now lying in bed waiting for a cup of tea. Now you will ask (no you will, Cyril can detect these things), am I completely behind my team? And without hesitation I can answer, yes! To be honest (no I will be, Cyril can manage these things from time to time), when you get to my size, you can be behind your team, at the side of it and still have a bit left to be out in front. So I'm backing my pals to the hilt... and so can you! Yes, a first class rowing team doesn't come cheap. So by p...