Cow Island

Over the grasslands, across the lawns, along the shingle paths, Norman rushed on, majestic, noble, a creature of power and beauty! 'One might be more careful where One is shoving One's tusks!' Queen Phoebe called out. 'Sorry!' Norman trumpeted. 'I could slow down if you'd prefer?' 'I think speed is off the essence,' Norma suggested. 'I'm sure it is,' Queen Phoebe replied, 'but One has One's dignity to maintain. One is a royal personage after all!' And Norman said he was well aware of that and that he was being as careful as he could be and so they went on. 'Was that,' Queen Phoebe asked a few minutes later, 'was that a ship we just passed?' 'I'm afraid so,' Norma replied. 'Well, what's it doing on a hill?'  'It's a long story,' Norma mooed. 'Perhaps I could explain later on?' 'I suppose under the circumstances...' Queen Phoebe replie...

'PIRATE SHEEP!!!!' Queen Phoebe cried. 'That's what Bertha and I said,' Norma replied. 'But they looked so convincing!'  'True,' Norma continued, and here she took a crude drawing out from her hatband, 'but if you take that director chappie and remove his beret and monocle and add a speech bubble saying, 'Har! Har! Har!'.' 'FLOSSIE!!!!' Queen Phoebe wailed. 'It was the perfect disguise,' Norma conceded, 'and none of us need to feel in the least bit guilty that we didn't see through it at an earlier opportunity.' 'And they have One's crown!' Queen Phoebe sobbed. 'We'll do everything we can to get it back,' Norma assured her. 'Oh, when his Kingshipfulness gets to hear of it!'  'I realise it's not good news,' Norma mooed. 'The news!!!!' Queen Phoebe cried. 'It'll be front page time and pullout specials!!!!' 'But if we ...

'I think I just got carried away in the moment,' Norman trumpeted. 'It's easily done,' Bertha replied. 'I hope it didn't hurt him?' 'Oh, he'll be fine,' Bertha mooed. 'He's used to it.' 'It's just I think I'd really got myself into the whole giant squid mindset.' 'Really,' Bertha continued, 'I wouldn't worry about him.' 'And one of my tentacles came off!' 'I'll help you find it,' Bertha offered. 'It's the least I can do.' 'That's kind of you,' Norman replied.  'Do you know if they were filming it?' Bertha asked. 'Only, I thought I might ask for a copy, just for private use obviously.' 'I don't think so,' Norman said. 'We were only rehearsing.' 'Oh well,' Bertha mooed. 'It's just that I don't normally get to see it from that angle, I'm usually too close to him.' ...

'Another!' Flossie exclaimed. 'This one is for 700 packets of chocolate biscuits,' Lefty explained. 'Curses!' Flossie cried. 'Who will rid me of these turbulent catering bills?' 'Could ask Mum?' Lefty suggested. 'No,' Flossie bleated, 'let her rest........So, the big fight scene.' 'GRRRRR!' Norman trumpeted. 'Actually, could we try GRRRRRR again?' Flossie said. 'My mistake. Now, the fight, giant squid versus her majesty's champion.' 'I'm still not happy about the casting,' Queen Phoebe called out. 'Noted!' Flossie said. ''E is an 'ero!' Camille mooed. 'Quiet on set!' Lefty bleated. 'If I may?' Flossie said. 'They circle each other, sizing each other up.' 'Norman is bigger!' Queen Phoebe noted. 'Excellent observation,' Flossie replied. 'Glad you're here.' 'For Capitaine Bile a giant ...

'I'm a giant squid,' Norman trumpeted. 'Lovely!' Norma replied. '....................What happened to you being a castle?' 'I'm not entirely sure,' Norman said. 'I just got called to the costume department and an hour later....I guess it's all part of the whirlwind life of a film actor.' 'Well, at least you're not in danger of being typecast,' Bertha mooed. 'That's what I said to myself,' Norman replied, 'and although it is more of a trunk based role I feel there's more to play with as a giant squid AND I get to speak.' 'How exciting!' Norma said. 'What do you say?' 'I say GRRR,' Norman replied, 'and I wave my tentacles about.' 'So you'll be a proper actor?' Bertha asked. Norman nodded. 'It's a lot to take on at short notice though,' he explained. 'For instance I'm not sure whether to say GRRR or GRRRR?' 'GR...

Annie finished a most pretty dance and Norman flapped his ears in appreciation. 'And then,' Annie explained, 'I spent 3 months counting my legs.' 'How many did you have?' Norman asked. '214,' Annie replied. 'But it is possible I miscounted as I fell asleep a couple of times and had to start again.' 'Easily done,' Norman said. 'It is!' Annie mooed. 'I just close my eyes and................................' Norman was kind enough to wait for Annie to wake up. 'I had a dream about talking biscuits,' she said. 'I thought you might have,' Norman replied. 'You were nibbling the corner of my costume.' 'So,' Annie asked, 'how have you been occupafying yourself?' 'The usual,' Norman replied, 'cleaning windows, filling swimming pools, it's been mostly trunk based work if I'm honest. I did try hiring myself out as a fountain at weddings but it never re...

'Afternoon!' Norman trumpeted. 'Norman!' Norma mooed. 'How lovely to see you!' 'Same to yourselves,' Norman replied. 'I thought you might turn up. I take it you saw the bit about free hats?' 'Might have,' Norma said and she blushed a little. 'Possibly,' Bertha added without blushing at all. 'So, Norma continued, 'I have to say you're looking very....well...very?' 'I'm a castle,' Norman explained. 'Ah!' Norma said. 'That explains it!' 'For the film?' Bertha asked. And Norman nodded. 'You're very convincing,' Norma continued. 'From a distance I thought...' 'People have been kind enough to say so,' Norman replied. 'I'm not surprised,' Bertha added. 'Of course the makeup helps,' Norman replied. 'Is that eye shadow?' Bertha asked. 'Just a smidge,' Norman said. 'And it's nice to be ...

'They don't seem anywhere near as threatening when One gets up close to them,' Queen Phoebe mused. 'There's many a captain has made that mistake,' Norma replied. 'A pirate sheep should always be treated with caution.' 'I suppose so,' Queen Phoebe said. 'Are you sure you want to take them with you?' Norma asked. 'Well, they need to be detained for the safety of the law abiding public...and One does have plenty of spare dungeons......and it is One's hubby's birthday soon and was hasn't got him a prezzie yet.' 'I'm not sure you can wrap a pirate sheep?' 'Possibly not, but I'll get a servant to have a go.' 'And, despite my wariness about them, you won't be putting the lambs in a dungeon will you?' 'Not if they promise to behave. I did think they could help Norman with washing the castle windows. They are about the size of a sponge.' 'I'd like to th...

'Detained!!!' Norma gasped. 'That's what bunny number 237189 has reported,' Norman trumpeted. 'You think they 'ave been rumbled?' Camille asked. 'It's not clear,' Norman replied. 'I think it's more that the pirates are suspicious of them.' 'I blame myself,' Norma said. 'I should have insisted that Queen Phoebe took her crown off but she is royalty.' 'I am saying it is not your fault,' Camille mooed. 'They all knew the risks.' 'Perhaps,' Norma replied, 'but is wasn't a part of the plan that they got themselves detained. We need to decide what we're going to do now...and quickly.' Geraldine hopped down from Norman's trunk and, using her umbrella, drew a picture into the grass. 'But 'ow do you envisage it working to our advantage?' Camille asked. Geraldine drew another picture and waved her wings about. 'Genius!' Norman said and he ...

'So, the plan, should it be acceptable to your majesty, is to get Norman to ferry us across to Cow Island. It isn't very far and the water is quite shallow.' 'Consider him at your disposal,' Queen Phoebe replied. 'That's a kindness,' Norma smiled. 'And once we 'ave arrived?' Camille asked. 'We'll split up and, disguised as holidaymakers, we'll infiltrate their despicable piratey operation.' Norma replied. 'Hmm,' Camille mused, 'although I suspect it is just a feed for what passes as a joke, I am required to question your decision for us to split up. Do we 'ave to do so?' 'I'm afraid it's essential for two reasons,' Norma replied. 'Firstly, it will allow us to cover more ground and, secondly, it will make us easier to draw.' My suspicions are confirmed!' Camille mooed. 'I have to say One is, in the common parlance,  up for it,' Queen Phoebe added. ...

'Just another dozen and I'll be fine,' Norman trumpeted. 'Are you sure?' Annie asked. 'Mr Lord Sir Cyril made himself ill by under eating.' 'Did he?' 'I think he did,' Annie replied. 'I have a memory of him doing so which means it may have actually happened.' 'I can remember that 673 days ago he ate 15 Dundee cakes in 5 minutes and 32 seconds and I'm sure that happened.' 'That's because you are an elephant!!!!!' Annie mooed and she put down her bun shovel and gave Norman yet another huge hug. 'Thanks,' said Norman. Mon pleasureables,' Annie replied. 'And now, while the next munch of buns are baking, I shall listen to tales of your most recent times.' 'There's not much to tell really,' Norman began. 'Her Queenshipfulness tends to keep me busy. 'Norman, lift this with your trunk.' 'Norman, move that with your trunk.' It's almost entirely t...

'Gosh! It's just so good to see you,' Norma mooed. 'Likewise,' Norman replied. 'I would never have know it was you if you hadn't moved.' 'My trunk got itchy. The leaves tickle it and then, if I don't move, I end up sneezing and then the branches fall off.' 'You need to talk to Annie about being a tree, she's around here somewhere.' 'How is my old chum?' 'Hmm, she's still Annie.' 'Enough said,' Norman trumpeted. 'So, how do you come to be here?' Norma asked. 'And where is 'here'?' 'This is one of King Otto's minor islands. We were on it when it was stolen so we went into hiding. We've just been watching developments since then.' 'Is it Flossie?' 'I'm afraid so,' Norman replied. 'I didn't think we could tackle them on our own and we couldn't send for help.' 'A tricky situation.' 'And we...

'A pair of sunglasses?' Horace mooed. Norma shifted slightly uneasily. 'As I explained to the others, I think they make me look very touristy.' 'You made me wear this hat!' 'Only because it was right for you.' 'It's hardly the same as a pair of sunglasses!' 'Honestly,' Norma said, 'it wasn't my intention to cause you any embarrassment..it's just a hat.' Horace huffed to himself. 'So, what are we doing now?' he asked. 'Hiding,' Norma replied. 'I just need you to stay out of sight while we make sure of what's going on.' 'Hide!..In this hat?' 'If you could try?' 'I don't see how I can.' 'Well, it might be easier than you think.' 'People will be able to see me for miles.' 'Not necessarily,' Norma replied. 'You just need to find something tall to hide behind.' 'Such as?' 'I don't know....

'I still find it hard to believe,' trumpeted Norman. 'I'm telling you that's all I could see,' replied Captain Bill. 'It just seems odd,' said Norman. 'I can't help that,' replied Captain Bill. 'I'm not saying you're responsible,' said Norman, 'but it just doesn't fit in.' I concede that,' replied Captain Bill, 'but it was there all the same.' 'You don't think you could have been mistaken?' 'No!'   '...............You have to wonder why?' mused Norman. 'No! I don't!' replied Captain Bill. 'And you're absolutely sure that's all you could see?' 'Look!' said Captain Bill. 'For the last time, there was just an old piano...behind the green door.' 'Strange?'  'Anyway,' continued Captain Bill, 'my conclusion, as a result of our....' 'Looking through the keyhole...' '.......

'Look!' said Captain Bill. 'For the last time, I knew it was you right away.' 'Then why did you spend twenty minutes talking to that tree?' 'It was a joke! I was just trying to take the tension out of the situation. I thought it might help you to take your mind off of the almost certain death aspect of our current predicament.' 'You thought it was me.' 'I did not think it was you! Do I look like the sort of fool who would make such a stupid mistake? And kindly stop playing with me hat.' 'It's got a little gun on it.' 'It is a cannon.' '............You did think it was me.' 'I did not!' 'You asked it for a bun.' 'I was talking to you.' 'I was ten yards away.' 'I was simply being cautious. I didn't want to draw attention to you. You never know who might be watching. Anyway, I think we should press on.' 'So what do you want to do?' a...

'And then she said, 'find Norman and move as fast as you possibly can','. 'And so you tied yourself to a giant spring?' trumpeted Norman. Annie nodded, the giant spring wobbled and she bounced high into the air. ' Yes! ' she said, from very far up. ' I knew you'd work it out!' 'Well, you certainly are moving quickly,' Norman replied. 'Although I'm not sure that it's in the was Norma envisaged?' 'She didn't specify what type of fast ,' mooed Annie. And she bounced particularly high and threw in a forward roll for extra excitement...and her hat...stayed on! 'Nicely done!' said Norman. ' Ta! ' replied Annie. ' I think this is what it must feel like to be a huge spoonful of trifle .' 'You are achieving a remarkably high degree of wobbliness,' said Norman. 'But I do think that perhaps we should be getting on?' ' Okeemadoklies! ' repl...

'I think they're lovely!' said Norma. 'I found them at the edge of the field,' replied Bertha. 'I wish I could wear multiple hats.' You do need a certain length of horn,' replied Bertha, 'and I'll add more ribbon if I can find some.' And Norma was just about to look into her bag for some more ribbon when Norman arrived. 'Nice hats!' he said. 'Thanks,' replied Bertha. 'Could do with some more ribbon though.'  And the ladies nodded their heads and no hats fell off. 'So,' continued Norman, 'any more clues?' 'No,' said Norma. 'I suppose it was rather a long shot to hope that they'd keep dropping things. I fear the trail has gone cold.' 'I suppose so,' replied Norman. 'Pirate sheep have never been known for making unforced litter related errors.' 'Have you spotted anything from up there?' asked Bertha. 'Nothing,' replied Norman...

'Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!' mooed Annie. 'Indeed!' said Norma. 'One 'ad it built for his Kingshipfulness,' explained Queen Phoebe. 'One was going to call it 'King Otto, don't you just love him, well you'd better or it's dungeon time for you mate!' but it wouldn't all fit down one side.' 'It's a fine looking ship,' said Bertha. 'It cost squillions!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Which is partly why we had to scrap all the others.' 'How fast does it go?' asked Norma. 'One don't know,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'One couldn't afford to actually use it.' 'But we can use it now?' asked Bertha. 'Needs must,' replied Queen Phoebe. 'It's was fitted with all the very best...whatever they were. One couldn't have One's hubby driving around in anything less. It's got twin this and overhead that and sprung something else.' ...

'Hello Norman!' said Norma. 'I'm afraid I can't answer that Ma'am,' replied Norman. 'Why not?' asked Norma. 'I'm afraid I can't tell you that Ma'am,' said Norman. 'Why not?' asked Norma. 'I'm afraid I can't tell that either Ma'am,' said Norman. 'Well what can you tell us?' asked Bertha. 'Oh! hang on!' replied Norman, 'I've got it written down. I can tell you the time, how to get stones out of horses hooves and the way to the bus station.' 'I didn't think there was a bus station?' said Norma. 'That's what I'm allowed to tell you,' replied Norman. 'Look Norman,' said Bertha, 'you know us. Norma would put up with this sort of thing for hours...I won't. So what's actually going on? There do seem to be an awful lot of guards.' 'I really can't tell you,' replied Norman. 'And I certainly ca...

'You're quite sure?' asked Annie. 'Only you were running very fast!' 'Just the two!' replied Queen Phoebe. 'Perhaps if they're invisible even you don't know you've got them?' 'One is fairly confident.' 'Maybe after all this is over we could double check?' 'Is there someone up there more sensible that I could speak to?' said Queen Phoebe. 'Mr Norman's here,' replied Annie. 'Norman!' said Queen Phoebe.  'Hello!' said Norman. 'You know what you've got to do?' 'I do!' replied Norman. 'And you'll be careful?' asked Queen Phoebe. 'I'll try my best!' replied Norman. 'And you won't forget?' 'I'm an elephant!' replied Norman and he waved his trunk about. 'So you are!' said Queen Phoebe. And Annie was just about to ask a supplementary question about invisible legs...when Norma arrived. ...