Cow Island

Flossie sighed, 'You know when you've seen something special.' 'A natural performer,' Lefty bleated. 'To be able to say so much and yet it seemed so little.' 'If only we'd actually been filming,' Flossie said. 'Well,' Lefty replied, 'truth be told, we were.' 'Really?' Flossie gasped. 'I thought it best,' Lefty replied. 'In case anyone checked on us.' 'So we can watch it again?' 'Whenever you want.' 'Always be grateful,' Flossie said. 'It's a moment I'll never forget. If you'd told me before all this began that I'd get to see such wonderful acting. It kind of took me off to another world.' 'I know,' Lefty agreed. And everyone gave Geraldine a very prolonged round of applause. 'Next scene?' Lefty asked. 'Perhaps take a break?' Flossie suggested. 'I think we could all do with 10 minutes.' 'I know th...

'So, I told 'im all about the brave Capitaine Bile and 'e said you sounded perfect for the role.' 'Erm?' Captain Bill replied. 'After all,' Camille continued, 'who could be better at playing an 'ero than a real life one?' 'Well,' Captain Bill began. 'And ma little students are sooooo pleased!' 'Right,' Captain Bill said. 'Jean Claude 'as already written 'ome to tell 'is parents.' 'Really????' Captain Bill asked. 'Indeed!' Camille mooed, ''e included it at the bottom of a letter I got 'im to write asking 'is parents to send more money.' 'Right,' Captain Bill said. ''e as told them that many actors would be afraid of doing such dangerous stunts but not the famous Capitaine Bile.' 'STUNTS!!!' Captain Bill exclaimed. 'The film man assured me that all 'ealth and safety precautions would be taken but I said ...

'Lost for words,' Lefty bleated. 'I can't recall seeing anything more moving,' Flossie added and he dabbed a hanky to his eye patch. Lefty wrote 'Star material' on the form in front of him and thanked Geraldine for coming. Geraldine responded with a dignified curtsy and made her way from the stage. 'Next please!' Flossie called out and Camille took the stage accompanied by her pupils. 'Bonjour,' she began, 'I am 'appy to announce that ma little students, all of whom 'ave considerable acting experience, are now at your disposal.' 'Right...' Flossie began but before he could get any further he noticed Lefty trying to attract his attention. 'Not sure how we'd stand with health and safety,' Lefty explained, 'what with them being so young.' 'Ah!' Flossie replied. 'I think,' Lefty continued and here he quickly looked through a thick folder to find the relevant page, ...

'One at a time please!' Flossie bleated. Annie stampeded toward Flossie and only managed to stop at the very last moment. 'We are,' she explained, 'a double act.' And she stampeded back to Cyril, forgot to stop and fell off the back of the stage. 'As you have witnessed,' Cyril cried, 'Miss Annie does all of her own stunts!' 'And I can eat trifle!' Annie called out as she climbed back onto the stage. 'What more could you ask?' Cyril asked. 'You could ask for cake,' Annie suggested. So, Cyril asked for cake but there wasn't any. 'If you could make a note of that please,' Cyril said. And Lefty made a note on a form. 'Any previous acting experience?' Flossie asked. 'Pardon?' Cyril replied. 'I'll speak up,' Flossie bleated. 'If you could please,' Cyril replied. 'There was supposed to be a megaphone,' Lefty added. 'Do you still need on...

'Testing, testing, one two, one two....no, no it's still not working,' Flossie bleated. 'Mum said she's done all she can,' Lefty replied. 'Don't doubt it for a moment,' Flossie said. 'Still, would have been nice. Refund?' 'Been trying to get in contact with the supplier but there's just a recorded message saying they're away.' 'Hmm,' Flossie said. 'Could use it as a prop?' Lefty suggested. 'Could do!' Flossie agreed. 'Thus turning a disappointment into a success. Now, what's to be done next?' 'Casting,' Lefty replied. 'Oooh! Sounds good to me,' Flossie said. 'I've been rather looking forward to it in an odd kind of way.' 'Me too!' Lefty replied. 'Makes me feel like we're making a proper film.' 'Brilliant!' Flossie bleated. 'Well, let's get on with it. Piece by piece the fiendishly diabolical jigsaw comes t...

'So, as soon as Jean Claude 'ere showed me the leaflet, I said to maself that for the sake of ma little students I must attend!' '......................................What other choice did you have?' Captain Bill replied. 'Exactament!' Camille continued. 'And of course I do not need to explain to you that the trip is entirely for educational purposes and not in any way an excuse for me to get a free 'oliday and 'ang around film stars...'ave you seen any yet?' 'Afraid not,' Captain Bill replied. 'I was 'oping for a few autographs...to show the parents when we get back you understand. Perhaps a photo? Myself, the leading man, 'aving dinner on a terrace overlooking a bay...'is private yacht in the background?' 'For purely educational purposes?' Captain Bill replied. 'Indeed!' Camille nodded. 'Also, the bit about them needing actors. Would you know if that was paid work by any ch...

'No, I think he was just happy to be out of the rigging,' Bertha suggested. 'Poor man!' Norma mooed.  'Anyway,' Bertha continued, 'have you had any luck?' 'Not so far,' Norma replied. 'I've read most of the signs but they're nearly all about health and safety.' It'll be easier just to ask someone,' Bertha said. 'I'll find a little man.' So Bertha went to find a little man and Norma took the opportunity to have a look about her. There seemed to be a tremendous amount of activity as cameras and equipment were being moved about but it all appeared to be very well organised. Bertha returned after only a few minutes. 'I found someone with a clipboard,' she explained. 'In my experience they're nearly always in charge.' 'What did he say?' Norma asked. 'He was very pleased to know we'd arrived,' Bertha replied. 'He said we have to fill out some forms and th...

'Sorry to keep you waiting,' Flossie bleated. 'They didn't have any more pain au chocolat so I got you a cinnamon whirl,' Lefty replied. 'Oh, that's fine!' Flossie said. 'Positive meeting?' Lefty asked. 'Thought so,' Flossie replied. 'Appreciate you asking. Missed your input.' 'Gave me a chance to sort out some paperwork,' Lefty explained. 'True!' Flossie bleated. 'Sure it needs doing. Leave it with you.' 'We're all unloaded,' Lefty added. 'So, next thing to do is scout out locations, work out camera angles, that sort of thing.' 'Great!' Flossie replied. 'Although always bearing in mind, we're not actually making a film.' 'Absolutely,' Lefty nodded. 'It's just to help us with the cover story. Gets us access to the right places.' 'Top pirating!' Flossie replied. 'In passing, not pushing you, any progress with the m...

'And we've never met before?' Queen Phoebe asked. 'Quite certain,' Flossie bleated. 'Sure?' Queen Phoebe asked. 'Sure!' Flossie bleated. Queen Phoebe took a long hard look at Flossie. '................................On we go then!'  'Tis very generous of you to let us be here,' Flossie said. 'The whole film crew feel very honoured.' 'Well,' Queen Phoebe replied, 'when one got your request One chatted it over with One's hubby, I do love him so, and he was right up for it.' 'Considerate of you both.' Flossie added. 'Phoebekins, he said,' Queen Phoebe continued, 'if this don't get us a couple of pages in the colour supplements I'll eat me crown and the readies will come in handy as well.' 'Most astute!' Flossie replied. 'He's like that,' Queen Phoebe said, 'but do the tabloids bother to mention it? Years of astuteness and they do...