Cow Island

'You should eat a chocolate biscuit or two,' Cyril said. 'Always cheers me up.' 'I can't,' Horace replied. 'There aren't any left.' 'Really?' Cyril said. '...................................That's depressing.' 'I could do a happy dance if it would help?' Annie mooed. And Cyril said it would help a great deal, so Annie climbed onto the table and did a very happy dance. 'Tired now!' she said and promptly fell asleep. '.....................................Could have done with a choccie biccie,' Cyril continued and he nibbled the corner of Annie's hat. 'Needs more sugar,' he mused and he smiled toward a waitress who came straight over. 'A bowl of sugar if you please,' he said and then, just to be on the safe side, he ordered 23 more bowls of sugar, several family sized cakes, a swimming pool of ice cream and a flock of pancakes. 'It'll do to tide me over unti...

'It's just if you're any lower you'll be in shot,' Lefty bleated. 'Really, it's fine,' Flossie replied. 'Now, Scene 3, it is the afternoon.' 'What time exactly?' Queen Phoebe asked. Flossie looked at Lefty, Lefty shrugged. 'The precise time appears to be unimportant,' Flossie explained. 'Well it may not be to you,' Queen Phoebe replied, 'but His Kingshipfulness takes a nap around 1.30 and I wouldn't want him disturbed.' 'Then we shall make it 3 o'clock if that suits?' Flossie said. 'Fine with me,' Queen Phoebe replied. 'Pray continue.' 'Glad to be of service,' Flossie said. 'It is 3 o'clock, your majesty is inside the castle.' 'But One is outside!' Queen Phoebe observed. 'The castle will be added in later,' Lefty bleated. 'It's what we call a special effect.' 'Well I never!' Queen Phoebe replied. '...

'One at a time please!' Flossie bleated. Annie stampeded toward Flossie and only managed to stop at the very last moment. 'We are,' she explained, 'a double act.' And she stampeded back to Cyril, forgot to stop and fell off the back of the stage. 'As you have witnessed,' Cyril cried, 'Miss Annie does all of her own stunts!' 'And I can eat trifle!' Annie called out as she climbed back onto the stage. 'What more could you ask?' Cyril asked. 'You could ask for cake,' Annie suggested. So, Cyril asked for cake but there wasn't any. 'If you could make a note of that please,' Cyril said. And Lefty made a note on a form. 'Any previous acting experience?' Flossie asked. 'Pardon?' Cyril replied. 'I'll speak up,' Flossie bleated. 'If you could please,' Cyril replied. 'There was supposed to be a megaphone,' Lefty added. 'Do you still need on...

'No, I think he was just happy to be out of the rigging,' Bertha suggested. 'Poor man!' Norma mooed.  'Anyway,' Bertha continued, 'have you had any luck?' 'Not so far,' Norma replied. 'I've read most of the signs but they're nearly all about health and safety.' It'll be easier just to ask someone,' Bertha said. 'I'll find a little man.' So Bertha went to find a little man and Norma took the opportunity to have a look about her. There seemed to be a tremendous amount of activity as cameras and equipment were being moved about but it all appeared to be very well organised. Bertha returned after only a few minutes. 'I found someone with a clipboard,' she explained. 'In my experience they're nearly always in charge.' 'What did he say?' Norma asked. 'He was very pleased to know we'd arrived,' Bertha replied. 'He said we have to fill out some forms and th...

'Har! Har! Har! And other introductory Monday morning type noises. Tis good to be back on dry land!' Flossie bleated. 'Very quick voyage,' Lefty observed. 'Not surprised,' Flossie replied, 'not surprised! Always had faith in the crew...and of course the Great Pencil in the Sky gets to save on some paper.' 'True!' Lefty agreed. 'So, Flossie continued, 'ship to be unloaded, unpacking to be done, etc, etc?' 'All on the schedule,' Lefty replied, 'and the flock are all aware that, from now on, we're nothing more than a genuine film crew here to shoot a sure fire blockbuster and not just pretending to be so that we can carry out a diabolically fiendish pirate type robbery.' 'Brilliant!' Flossie bleated, 'and if I might say, a handy piece of exposition for anyone who's just turning up.' 'Thought I'd take the opportunity,' Lefty said. 'Can't fault you,' Flossie...

'Will you stop it!' Captain Bill mooed. 'Stop it!..............STOP....IT!!!' 'You're just shouting at me because I've got wonky horns,' Annie replied. 'I am shouting at you because you are being deeply, deeply annoying!' '...................................................................and because I've got wonky horns,' Annie whispered and she took just the tiniest step towards Captain Bill. 'GO AWAY!!!!' Captain Bill shouted. Annie took a tiny half hoof step away from Captain Bill...and then leaned back in toward him. 'Does it happen very often?' she asked. Captain Bill looked at her. 'Does what happen?' Annie mouthed the words, 'The head thing?' Captain Bill decided that the best course of action was to ignore her. 'I've got brown tape,' Annie added and she waved a large roll of it at Captain Bill. 'I wouldn't charge,' she continued. 'It could be...

Captain Bill allowed the salt spray to waft gently around his hat. He took a moment to feel the roll of the ship beneath his hooves. This, he knew, was where he was supposed to be. This was where he was master. 'Hard a Portboard!' he called out. Horace glanced nervously toward Norma. 'I don't think there is such a direction,' Norma whispered. 'Are you sure?' Captain Bill asked. 'Pretty confident,' Norma replied. 'Hmmmmmmmm,' Captain Bill said and he took a long look at his knitted compass. 'It doesn't seem to be on there. I was almost certain it used to be.' 'Things change,' Norma replied. 'Why?' Captain Bill asked. 'Why? Why do things have to change? It was a perfectly good direction. I remember at Captain School we did a whole day on it...that and ironing sails.' 'You wouldn't want creases,' Norma suggested. 'They marked you down for that,' Captain Bill replied. ...

'Extra what?' Annie asked. 'Well,' Norma thought about how to explain, 'it's a type of acting, only you just stand in the background and don't say anything.' 'Acting?' Annie asked. 'It's when you dress up and pretend to be someone else.' 'Like a tree?' 'Possibly,' Norma replied. 'I suppose that must happen.' 'Or a cloud or a halibut?' 'Again, possible,' Norma agreed, 'but more commonly it's another person...but it's only pretend.' 'Pretend?' Annie queried. 'Well, it's not reality.' 'Reality?' Annie asked. In her head Norma conceded to herself that the conversation was drifting off in a direction that she had been hoping to avoid.  'Well, for most people, there is a reasonably common set of truths that can be agree upon...that we call reality.' Annie looked confused and came dangerously close to toppling over. ...

'Madness!' Captain Bill mooed. 'Could I suggest you keep your voice down?' Norma replied. 'If Bertha hears you...and you might want to take your hat off, it's clearly sticking up above the hedge.' Captain Bill did as Norma suggested. 'Madness!' he whispered. 'She's gone too far this time.' 'Look,' Norma replied, 'I'm really not interested in the rights and wrongs of it all, I just don't want to see anyone get hurt, that's all.' For a time Norma and Captain Bill stood in silence as they watched Bertha test firing the giant stapler. 'What's she firing them at anyway?' Captain Bill asked after a while. 'From here it looks like some sort of demented bovine! It's not Annie is it?' Norma hesitated. '......it's a kind of model.......a dummy.' 'Not very well made,' Captain Bill observed. 'The head's fallen off.' 'She's been having trou...

'Perhaps yours unscrews?' Annie suggested. 'Possibly?' Cyril replied. 'It certainly doesn't seem to pull off.' 'Should I have one last go?' Annie asked and Cyril said she should so Annie pulled and pulled on the rope but Cyril's head stayed firmly attached. 'Tired now!' Annie mooed. 'Shall I make tea?' Cyril asked. Annie nodded her head but very, very gently. So Cyril made tea and cut slices of extra large fruit drizzle sponge trifle biscuit cake. Then he pushed the slices back together and added four whole cakes and gave them all to Annie. 'Brown tape!' Annie exclaimed. 'I'm not sure it would do much for the flavour?' Cyril said. 'For my head!' Annie replied. 'I shall apply sticky brown tape.' 'Sounds prudent,' Cyril agreed. 'I thought it sounded like me?' Annie replied. 'If I'm going to do head nodding in the future I shall need to be more caref...

'And fish,' Annie continued, 'almost never wear shoes, which is because shoe builders don't put enough sequins on them.' Annie paused and waited for Captain Eyepatch to say something profound.  After 11.3 minutes she found the silence too much. Octopipus.....Octipup.........Octoberpus......eight legged wobbly water things don't wear shoes either but that's just a protest over prices because they don't earn much because people don't give them jobs because they're not wearing shoes......................Underwater shoe emporia are also very rare.' Again Annie paused. From the bit in her head that she called Memoryland she recalled that this would normally be about the time that Captain Bill would tell her to shut up. But this time he didn't. Annie did a short dance. 'And people worry too much about things they can't do anything about but they'd be better off either doing something positive to influence the situat...

'That has got to be the biggest stapler I have ever seen!' Norma exclaimed. 'I had to have it made to order,' Bertha replied. 'I would have made it myself but my welding equipment's broken. Now, if you and Horace could stand by on the ropes until I say when.' So Norma and Horace stood ready until Bertha shouted 'Now!' and then they pulled with all their might, which in Horace's case wasn't an awful lot, and the stapler slid graciously out of the shipping container.  'Can I go now?' Horace asked. Norma's horns fell. 'I thought, she said, 'that we'd agreed to have lunch together?' 'It's just,' Horace replied, 'after you told me about Captain Bill's marquee, I thought I might go and stand in it for a while.' 'Why?' Norma asked. 'It sounds depressing,' Horace replied. 'But,' Norma began, but she could see that Horace had a point. '.............if y...

'It's getting dark,' Captain Bill observed. 'So it is,' Norma replied. 'I'll give them 5 more minutes.' 'That's kind of you,' Norma suggested. Captain Bill nodded in agreement. 'I don't want them to miss out,' he finally replied. 'I really thought they'd want to be here.' 'I do know that Horace is too busy though,' Norma explained. 'He's got a poem that he's trying to finish.' 'Oh!' Captain Bill mooed. 'Struggling is he?' 'He said he's not feeling depressed enough to really tackle it,' Norma replied. 'And Cyril and Annie are having a 'Who can eat the most trifle' competition.' Captain Bill looked puzzled. 'Didn't they have that a couple of months ago?' he asked. 'It's the same one,' Norma replied. 'They're both very keen on winning.' 'Oh!' Captain Bill mooed for the second time. ...

'So I thrust, then I parried, then I parried again and then I thrust...and a fourth one went down.' 'Right,' Camille replied, 'and you managed all of this while you were 'iding under a table?' '..................................I lured them in.' 'Really?' 'The confined space made it easier for me to deal with them. You know a lot of people don't understand the finer points of duel fighting.' 'I guess some would mistake your 'iding for cowardice?' 'Sadly.' 'I suppose I am lucky to 'ave you 'ear to explain it all then.' 'Modesty forbids! But if you'd like me to give a class to your little students? Pass on a little of my knowledge?' 'If only we 'ad the time but sadly I fear the moment approaches for us to depart.' 'Of course! You need to get back. The demands of education call.' 'Also it is nearly the end of term and unless I remind the ...

'They don't seem anywhere near as threatening when One gets up close to them,' Queen Phoebe mused. 'There's many a captain has made that mistake,' Norma replied. 'A pirate sheep should always be treated with caution.' 'I suppose so,' Queen Phoebe said. 'Are you sure you want to take them with you?' Norma asked. 'Well, they need to be detained for the safety of the law abiding public...and One does have plenty of spare dungeons......and it is One's hubby's birthday soon and was hasn't got him a prezzie yet.' 'I'm not sure you can wrap a pirate sheep?' 'Possibly not, but I'll get a servant to have a go.' 'And, despite my wariness about them, you won't be putting the lambs in a dungeon will you?' 'Not if they promise to behave. I did think they could help Norman with washing the castle windows. They are about the size of a sponge.' 'I'd like to th...

'And I luffs them both very much so it will be a difficult decision,' Annie mooed. 'OK!' Norma replied. '..................................What will?' 'Should I marry Viscount Sir Lord Cyril or a strawbleberry trifle? They have quite a few things in common. They're colourful, make me happy and can usually be found at the back of a fridge.' 'Right,' Norma said, 'maybe we could discuss this at a later date? At the moment I was hoping you could try to answer some real world type questions?' 'We can give it a go,' Annie replied, 'but you know the risks. It might be wise for me to lay down first?' So Annie laid down and Norma asked her first question. 'Where exactly is Cyril?' 'Last time I saw him he appeared to be playing kiss chase with some of the fluffies...maybe a trifle would be more loyal?' 'And Captain Bill?' '.....................................................Neve...

Flossie and Lefty looked at Cyril, then at each other and then back at Cyril. 'He's almost broken the bank,' Lefty bleated. Annie waved her tail to attract their attention. 'He's done it before,' she giggled. 'True!' Cyril said. 'And I have to admit it was entirely my own fault. I should have looked where I was sitting.' 'Did your bum look big in it?' Annie asked. 'I'd prefer the word 'pert',' Cyril replied. 'Right, one more game of tiddlywinks? Double or quits and free snogs for the winners?' 'Just a moment!' Flossie interrupted. 'Tis my casino! Har! Har!' 'Nicely done,' Lefty added, 'very piratey.' 'Ta!' Flossie replied. 'Tis my casino or rather the flocks, but no need to go into detail. Tis our casino and there'll be no more tiddlywinks...for it isn't a proper game!' 'Not a proper game!' Cyril exclaimed. 'Not a proper ...

'Whoooaaaa!' Queen Phoebe wailed. 'Whooooooa!......Whooooaaaa!....Are they here yet?' 'Almost,' Bertha whispered, 'keep it going.' 'Whooooooooaaaaaa!' Queen Phoebe continued. 'Problem?' Flossie asked as he and Lefty arrived. 'One's friend,' Queen Phoebe replied. 'One's friend........One's dear best friend....One's dear, dear friend....' 'Horace!' Bertha prompted. 'Horace!' Queen Phoebe sobbed. 'Dear Horace, struck down in the prime of his poety life. He may never write another limerick again.' 'Madame!' Horace mooed, 'I have never written a....' Bertha kicked Horace. 'Arrrghhh!' Horace moaned. 'Right,' Flossie bleated, 'ermmmmm, sorry to hear that......ermmmmm?' 'Could we inquire as to the cause?' Lefty asked. 'Good one!' Flossie added. 'Deceived!' Queen Phoebe began. 'Deceived, mislead....

'I say old chap, things in our frightfully wonderful new casino do seem to be...,' Flossie paused, '..is it really World Don't Talk Like A Pirate Day?' he asked. 'It is indeed old boy,' Lefty replied. 'Then it would be churlish of me not to join in. Do please inform me of how things are progressing, Lefty, old thing.' 'I'm terribly pleased to report that everything is tip top and super,' Lefty bleated. 'Our dear little casino is proving to be the hit of the whole enterprise.' 'Top 'ole and no mistake,' Flossie replied. 'I expect that the profit from here could be buying us a new ship in next to no time.' 'Splendid! Would it be amiss of me to ask for confirmation that our security arrangements are just as first class as always?' 'Happy to do so, my dear,' Lefty replied. 'It's all very discrete of course but there are cameras inside and guards on continuous patrol around t...

'Thanks for coming,' Norma said. 'I thought we were supposed to be staying hidden?' Captain Bill replied. 'We decided we needed to move,' Norma explained and then she mouthed the words 'don't ask'. 'What?'  'I said don't ask,' Norma repeated. Captain Bill shrugged his horns. 'So what is your captain required to do? 'We've got a plan,' Norma explained. 'Norman, myself, Camille and Geraldine will be working from here initially. Queen Phoebe, Horace and Bertha are going to cause a small diversion before Cyril and Annie play their part. 'While I just stand around in a shrunken captain's hat?' 'You will be fighting a duel and dying an 'eroic death,' Camille called across. 'Actually, I need you to help Cyril and Annie,' Norma said. Captain Bill looked at Norma. 'No, really,' Norma continued. 'Come and look at this.' So they did. 'It'...