Cow Island

'So,' Captain Bill continued, ' if you look overboard now the colour is?' 'Orangie red?' Horace replied. 'No, no,' Captain Bill said, 'ignore that bit, look further on.' 'You mean passed what's left of the building?' 'That's it!' '..............Green, I suppose?' 'Which means we now know that we must be on?' 'Land?' Horace replied. 'Exactly!' Captain Bill said in triumph. 'That lady looks very angry,' Horace remarked. 'Well, they shouldn't build so close to the sea,' Captain Bill replied. 'We clearly had right of way. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if this used to be sea at one point.' 'It's quite a way from it now,' Horace said. 'It'll save us from using the anchor,' Captain Bill replied. 'They get rusty if you leave them in water and there's less chance of sinking now we're on a hill.' At...

'Ah!' Captain Bill said. 'The problem, if you don't mind me saying, is that when I said turn left you turned right.' 'But you said hard a starboard,' Horace replied. 'Precisely!' Captain Bill mooed. 'Now, I'm not blaming you, although it was your fault, but it's these kind of elementary errors that lead to us getting lost.' 'But..' Horace began. 'The thing is,' Captain Bill continued, 'how do we find out where we now are?' 'But..' Horace began. 'This way!' Captain Bill interrupted. 'Follow me!' and he herded off to the side of the ship. 'The wheel?' Horace said. 'No need to bring it with you,' Captain Bill replied. 'Leave it there.' So Horace abandoned the wheel and joined Captain Bill. 'Now,' Captain Bill said, 'strictly speaking I shouldn't be telling you this, bit of a Captain's secret, but it won't hurt, so what w...

'Har! Har! Har! And other introductory Monday morning type noises. Tis good to be back on dry land!' Flossie bleated. 'Very quick voyage,' Lefty observed. 'Not surprised,' Flossie replied, 'not surprised! Always had faith in the crew...and of course the Great Pencil in the Sky gets to save on some paper.' 'True!' Lefty agreed. 'So, Flossie continued, 'ship to be unloaded, unpacking to be done, etc, etc?' 'All on the schedule,' Lefty replied, 'and the flock are all aware that, from now on, we're nothing more than a genuine film crew here to shoot a sure fire blockbuster and not just pretending to be so that we can carry out a diabolically fiendish pirate type robbery.' 'Brilliant!' Flossie bleated, 'and if I might say, a handy piece of exposition for anyone who's just turning up.' 'Thought I'd take the opportunity,' Lefty said. 'Can't fault you,' Flossie...

'Thought that went pretty well,' Captain Bill mooed. 'HA!' Bertha shouted. 'Ignore her,' Captain Bill continued, 'she's just jealous.' 'I've nothing to steer with now!' Horace informed Captain Bill. 'Hmm,' Captain Bill replied. 'Quick tip. It's very important in any situation to find the positives.' '........................I can't think of any,' Horace said. 'We're out of the harbour,' Captain Bill observed, 'and we didn't sink.' 'But we're drifting!' 'Happens in life,' Captain Bill mused. 'What's it all about really? Do any of us really know? You do what you can to remain focused. A project here, a new rope museum visitors centre extension there but is it worth it? Wouldn't it just be easier to let it all go?' 'I mean the ship's drifting.' 'Oh!' Captain Bill replied. 'Well, we've got time. It...

'Hopeless! Absolutely hopeless!' Captain Bill exclaimed. 'Well, why did you do it?' Norma asked. 'You know she's not supposed to go near the edges!' 'I didn't think she'd take me seriously!' Captain Bill replied. 'Hmm,' Norma said, 'and it just slows us down. Anyway, Cyril's looking after her..........Is that brown tape by the way?' 'I couldn't reach it,' Captain Bill explained. 'I could....' 'Just leave it!' A few minutes of awful silence decided that now was it's time. 'Well,' Norma said eventually, 'while I'm here, perhaps we could do the ship's diary?' '.......................Suppose,' Captain Bill replied. 'Is there anything you'd like me to put in beyond all the normal things?' Captain Bill scratched his horns and had a look through his telescope. 'We should, he suggested, 'make a note of that island over the...

Captain Bill allowed the salt spray to waft gently around his hat. He took a moment to feel the roll of the ship beneath his hooves. This, he knew, was where he was supposed to be. This was where he was master. 'Hard a Portboard!' he called out. Horace glanced nervously toward Norma. 'I don't think there is such a direction,' Norma whispered. 'Are you sure?' Captain Bill asked. 'Pretty confident,' Norma replied. 'Hmmmmmmmm,' Captain Bill said and he took a long look at his knitted compass. 'It doesn't seem to be on there. I was almost certain it used to be.' 'Things change,' Norma replied. 'Why?' Captain Bill asked. 'Why? Why do things have to change? It was a perfectly good direction. I remember at Captain School we did a whole day on it...that and ironing sails.' 'You wouldn't want creases,' Norma suggested. 'They marked you down for that,' Captain Bill replied. ...

They met on the deck of the Pickled Heifer. ''You're coming then?' Captain Bill asked. 'Wouldn't miss it for the world,' Cyril replied. 'You could try,' Captain Bill suggested. Cyril thought a while. 'You'd get bored without me,' he replied. And at that point there was a mooing from the dockside and Annie arrived and ran up the gangplank...and fell off. She swam to the shore and hauled herself out and tried again...and fell off again. 'Third time lucky!' Cyril called out. 'Seventeenth time lucky!' he called out an hour later. 'I think my brown tape is coming loose!' Annie replied. And it was. 'Plenty to spare,' Cyril assured her. 'Oh goody!' Annie replied. 'I shall try again.' And she did. And she didn't fall off!  Instead she ran straight up the gangplank, across the deck and fell off the other side of the ship. 'I can see the fishes!' she mo...

'It'll be fun,' Norma said, 'and there's nothing that can possibly go wrong so we can all have a relaxing time.' 'I just don't see how poetry fits into it?' Horace replied. 'Well.......it doesn't really,' Norma conceded. 'Then why....?' 'Because for most people not everything revolves around poetry.' 'It does for me,' Horace said. 'Yes,' Norma replied, 'but, possibly, with a bit of effort, you could move beyond that?' Horace stared off into the distance. 'Look,' Norma continued, 'everyone else is going and we never seem to do anything as a herd these days.' 'There are reasons for that,' Horace replied. Norma decided to ignore the observation. 'I'm asking you to go,' she said. '........................................If I must?' Horace mooed. 'Thank you!' Norma replied. 'Now, we're sailing first thing tomorrow mo...

'I've seen it,' Captain Bill said. 'I was just on my way to the museum when a staple whizzed past and a balloon landed on me hat!' Norma put the flyer down. 'There must be lots of people involved in making a film,' Norma replied. 'I'm sure there are,' Captain Bill said. 'Some of them might be interested in rope,' Norma added. 'They might even want to make a film about the museum?' '.........................................................True!' Captain Bill mooed. 'And that's the only reason that you're suggesting for wanting to go?' 'Well,' Norma said. 'The words, 'free costumes, including hats' wouldn't be influencing you?' Norma had always had a problem with certain types of fibs. 'Possibly,' she replied, 'but it would be so lovely to have an adventure.' 'In your opinion,' Captain Bill said. 'And obviously,' Norma contin...

'Steady as she goes!' Captain Bill mooed. 'HE goes,' Bertha said. 'As you know,' Captain Bill continued, 'by long tradition, all ships and vessels are considered to be female.' 'Norman isn't a ship.' 'But if we are at sea then to all intent and purposes he is! Now, where was I? Just how do you steer an elephant? The ears would seem to suggest themselves. Six degrees to port!  And Captain Bill poked at one of Norman's ears. 'That's starboard.' 'Is it? I do wish they wouldn't keep swapping them about.' 'And there's no need to steer him, Norman can see perfectly well were he's going. Cow Island is only two minutes away.' 'I am still required to fulfill my role as a Captain. It would be a dereliction of my duties not to do so.....................We really should be showing a light, you know that don't you?' 'Not when the whole point of crossing at night is so ...

'PUT ME DOWN!' Captain Bill shouted. Bertha thought for a moment. 'You're a terrible navigator,' she calmly replied. 'That is not what I meant!' Captain Bill continued, 'THIS IS MUTINY!' 'No need to shout,' Bertha said. 'You must be used to it by now and I'm not sure it is mutiny as this isn't our ship. I think it's more that you've had your turn to steer...and now it's mine!' 'You have tied me up in a net!' 'Again,' Bertha replied, 'it depends on how you view things. How are you viewing things from down there by the way? Perhaps I've just presented you with a leisure opportunity? A chance to relax from the tedium of command.' 'I am fine with being tedious!' 'Now,' Bertha pondered, 'which way to steer?' 'Do NOT change our course!' 'Shouting again! I'm going to take a wild guess that we may be heading...Not North?' ...

'I suppose we need to work out what we're going to do when we arrive,' Norma said. 'We could stampede straight towards them,' Bertha suggested. 'Tackle them head on.' 'Or we could take a more measured and considered approach,' Norma replied. 'Or you could put on some ludicrous disguises and blunder your way to success,' Camille mooed. Bertha and Norma looked at Camille. 'Ma reply was based only on ma previous experiences of working along side you.'  'Fair point!' Bertha replied. 'But disguises are out of the question this time,' Norma continued. 'We've run into them too many times before for that to work. They'd see straight through us. We'd have to be wearing something truly exceptional for us to stand a chance of getting away with it and we just don't have access to really good costumes.' 'Unless I put at your disposal the wardrobe which is a part of ma cruise ship's...

'Levers are overrated anyway,' said Captain Bill. 'You don't think you should try to fix it back on?' Horace asked. 'It's not necessary,' Captain Bill replied. 'They try to over complicate things these days. When I went to Captain's school all they gave you was a knitted compass, a bit of seaweed and one of these twiddly twirly things.' 'A steering wheel?' 'That's it! And we would be expected to find our way anywhere on the high oceans, day or night, in any weather. Navigation is more of an instinctive thing in the best sailors. I could do it blindfolded.' 'Bertha made a remark about you the other day that wasn't dissimilar to that,' Horace observed. 'See!' Captain Bill exclaimed. 'She pretends to be critical of me but she knows a top captain when she sees one. You're born to it really. I don't need a lever to tell me when I need to turn to port or starboliarboliboard.' ...

'Then I knocked it off again and jumped up and down on it,' Bertha replied. 'Hmm, hardly you at your most constructive,' said Norma. Bertha shrugged her horns. 'I'd like to think it had a certain educational value.' she mooed. 'We should still make the effort to show him some respect.' 'If I had some for him I would,' said Bertha. 'Well, I've apologised to Camille about the towels and I've had a word with Cyril and Annie about behaviour in general.' 'I doubt it'll make any difference,' Bertha replied. 'I'll keep hoping,' said Norma. 'It's a very nice ship. I'd like to believe that it still will be by the time we leave it. All we need to do is treat it with respect.' 'That would be a first,' Bertha replied. 'But you're right about it being a nice ship, it feels very well balanced. I doubt it's very old.' 'They've only had it for six mon...

'Then that's where I'd definitely consider using a white gypsophila,' said Flossie, 'it helps to soften the display without distracting the eye from the central themes of the arrangement.' 'I'll try adding some next time around,' Lefty replied. 'We're only three weeks into the course but I've learned so much already.' 'Glad to hear it,' Flossie bleated. 'Now, back to more piratey things. Crew well? Ship safe? Are we making a good speed?' 'To be honest we're not at our swiftest,' said Lefty, 'but we are towing an island.' 'Only to be expected then,' Flossie replied, 'and no reflection on a tip top crew.' 'But we should be home in a day or two,' Lefty added, 'so we're still on schedule.' 'Then we can crack on with phase 2?' Lefty nodded. 'Just a bit more paperwork to do before then though,' and he passed a form across to Flossie, who...

'Har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, har, me hearties!...Actually, I may have gone on a bit there,' said Flossie. 'Sounded fine to me,' Lefty replied. 'Really?' Flossie asked. 'Only I've not done any har, hars for a while and I sort of got carried away.' 'Helps to establish your character though,' Lefty suggested. 'So it does!' Flossie agreed. 'Right, on with the plot?' 'I think so,' said Lefty. 'Ah, me lucky lads and lasses,' Flossie continued, 'Har, har etc, etc. Why bother plundering ships when you can steal whole islands!' 'Well, actually, it does create quite a lot more paperwork,' Lefty replied. 'Does it?' said Flossie. 'That hadn't occurred to me. Meant it as a rhetorical question but now we're here, are you OK with the new found pressure or should we be recruiting some temporary extra admin staff? Hours and rem...

'Can you see anyone?' whispered Norma. 'No!' replied Bertha. 'Can you?' 'No!' said Norma. 'I can!' mooed Annie. '...............................................Are they real?' asked Norma. 'They are to me,' replied Annie. 'Do they look like pirate sheep?' asked Bertha. 'One's big and grey,' replied Annie. 'That's Norman,' said Norma. 'Can you see him as well then?' asked Annie. 'Yes!' Norma. 'We're standing on him,' added Bertha. 'Hello!' trumpeted Norman. 'I think we should try to concentrate on the mission,' continued Bertha. 'Of course,' replied Norma. 'What do you think we should do?' 'I'm not sure,' replied Bertha. 'It could be a trap.' But before anyone could say anything else, Geraldine hopped off of Norman and skipped up and down the deck of the Pickled Heifer. 'Or ma...

'Now, don't want to seem ungrateful,' said Flossie, 'but have to be honest...feel silly.' 'Safe though,' replied Lefty. True, true,' said Flossie. 'Still, sometimes, just thinking out loud here, think we carry it all too far.' 'It's only while you're up there.' 'Good! Happy for the reassurance,' replied Flossie. 'Could I ask though, do we really have to have the cone?' 'It's only a little one.' 'Never the less?' 'Know you're not happy about it,' said Lefty, 'but the nails in the harness do constitute a trip hazard.' 'OK!' replied Flossie. 'Question asked, answer given. Moving forward, what news of our chasing steam powered adversaries?' 'Getting ever closer,' bleated Lefty. 'Taking your word for it,' replied Flossie. 'Partly because I implicitly trust you and partly because I can't turn around.' 'On the...

'So, reporting steam driven vessel approaching, quite quickly as it happens, off the Port bow,' bleated Lefty. 'Hmm,' said Flossie, 'not good news. What to do? What to do?...........How about we blow them out of the water! Har! Har! Har!' 'Love to!' replied Lefty. 'Slight problem in carrying that out on the grounds that there doesn't seem to be any cannon aboard.' 'Oh!' said Flossie. 'Or cannon balls.' 'Right,' said Flossie. '..............................Disappointed!' 'We're swinging from the same boarding rope on that one,' replied Lefty. 'Also, can confirm, having had time for a thorough search, no muskets, swords, pointy or otherwise, pistols, daggers or indeed any sort of weapon that your average ship might be expected to carry.' 'Odd!' said Flossie. '....................Other options?' 'Could throw that tree at them?' suggested Lefty. ...

'It turns out that the knitted logs burn very well indeed,' explained Norma. 'We've noticed the increase in speed,' replied Bertha. 'We're catching them up!' 'So Annie wants to try embroidering some coal,' continued Norma. 'Clever!' mooed Bertha. 'But she's run out of wool,' said Norma, 'so I was wondering?' 'I thought that might be why you were here,' replied Bertha. 'Well, if needs must!'  And without taking her eyes off the Pickled Heifer she lent over so that Norma could pull the balls of wool off of her horn. 'Thanks,' said Norma. 'We can always shop for more once this is all over.' 'I think we should combine it with a hat buying trip,' replied Bertha. 'It would seem a shame not to,' replied Norma. 'How's Captain Geraldine getting on?' Geraldine turned towards Norma, waved her wings around, opened her beak and pointed at her stomac...