Cow Island

'So, I told 'im all about the brave Capitaine Bile and 'e said you sounded perfect for the role.' 'Erm?' Captain Bill replied. 'After all,' Camille continued, 'who could be better at playing an 'ero than a real life one?' 'Well,' Captain Bill began. 'And ma little students are sooooo pleased!' 'Right,' Captain Bill said. 'Jean Claude 'as already written 'ome to tell 'is parents.' 'Really????' Captain Bill asked. 'Indeed!' Camille mooed, ''e included it at the bottom of a letter I got 'im to write asking 'is parents to send more money.' 'Right,' Captain Bill said. ''e as told them that many actors would be afraid of doing such dangerous stunts but not the famous Capitaine Bile.' 'STUNTS!!!' Captain Bill exclaimed. 'The film man assured me that all 'ealth and safety precautions would be taken but I said ...

Lefty yawned and scratched his fleece. It was only six o'clock in the morning but there was so much paperwork to be done. He'd already got A through to F sorted out and was about to take the next file from the shelf when there was the sound of approaching hooves from behind.' 'So, 'ere they are,' Camille called out and she presented Lefty with a number of forms. 'Hmm?' Lefty replied. 'There is, I 'ope, no problem?' Camille said. 'Well,' Lefty replied, 'I suppose I was expecting some sort of standard form.' 'Ah!' Camille mooed. 'In ma country it is customary for parents to write a consent form for their child to appear in a major blockbusting film on any old scrap of paper they can find.' 'Two of them are on tissues,' Lefty observed, 'and this one's on the back of a bar bill!' 'What can I say,' Camille replied, 'but still they are all genuine forms completed by th...

'Well, it's certainly nice to bump into a familiar horn or two,' Queen Phoebe said. 'And it's nice to be here again,' Norma replied. 'It must be very exciting for you to be having a film made on the island?' 'One is what I believe the more common folk describe as up for it,' Queen Phoebe said. 'Are you going to be in it?' Bertha asked. 'Possibly,' Queen Phoebe replied, 'possibly. One refused at first but they've begged me to appear and after checking with One's hubby, I do love him so, he said, 'Phoebescrumptious, if it helps them out and gets us some positive editorial in the tabloids, you go for it!'.' 'That's very understanding of His Majesty,' Norma suggested. 'Well, it's who he is,' Queen Phoebe replied. 'You can't stop him once he's in the mood. Kindness personified, even to the peasants. Only he's not keen on them getting too close so we're l...

'And then they reach String Theory which itself splices off into Twine of the Times and after they've completed those they...go.....off........into.............' But by then the guard had started to walk away. 'I've got a plan I could let you see if you think you might be interested?' Captain Bill called out after him. 'It's got a little damaged in transit but if you ignore the staple holes....' But the guard had disappeared around the corner of a building. 'Hopeless!' Captain Bill muttered. 'Absolutely hopeless!' 'Going well?' Cyril asked. Captain Bill over toward Cyril. 'Oh, you've got off the ship then?' he observed. 'Thought I'd have a look around,' Cyril explained. 'Take in the sights.' 'And anything else that isn't nailed down,' Captain Bill suggested. 'You wound!' Cyril replied. 'I see you've already got yourself a costume?' '...

'No, I think he was just happy to be out of the rigging,' Bertha suggested. 'Poor man!' Norma mooed.  'Anyway,' Bertha continued, 'have you had any luck?' 'Not so far,' Norma replied. 'I've read most of the signs but they're nearly all about health and safety.' It'll be easier just to ask someone,' Bertha said. 'I'll find a little man.' So Bertha went to find a little man and Norma took the opportunity to have a look about her. There seemed to be a tremendous amount of activity as cameras and equipment were being moved about but it all appeared to be very well organised. Bertha returned after only a few minutes. 'I found someone with a clipboard,' she explained. 'In my experience they're nearly always in charge.' 'What did he say?' Norma asked. 'He was very pleased to know we'd arrived,' Bertha replied. 'He said we have to fill out some forms and th...

'Ah!' Captain Bill said. 'The problem, if you don't mind me saying, is that when I said turn left you turned right.' 'But you said hard a starboard,' Horace replied. 'Precisely!' Captain Bill mooed. 'Now, I'm not blaming you, although it was your fault, but it's these kind of elementary errors that lead to us getting lost.' 'But..' Horace began. 'The thing is,' Captain Bill continued, 'how do we find out where we now are?' 'But..' Horace began. 'This way!' Captain Bill interrupted. 'Follow me!' and he herded off to the side of the ship. 'The wheel?' Horace said. 'No need to bring it with you,' Captain Bill replied. 'Leave it there.' So Horace abandoned the wheel and joined Captain Bill. 'Now,' Captain Bill said, 'strictly speaking I shouldn't be telling you this, bit of a Captain's secret, but it won't hurt, so what w...

'Thought that went pretty well,' Captain Bill mooed. 'HA!' Bertha shouted. 'Ignore her,' Captain Bill continued, 'she's just jealous.' 'I've nothing to steer with now!' Horace informed Captain Bill. 'Hmm,' Captain Bill replied. 'Quick tip. It's very important in any situation to find the positives.' '........................I can't think of any,' Horace said. 'We're out of the harbour,' Captain Bill observed, 'and we didn't sink.' 'But we're drifting!' 'Happens in life,' Captain Bill mused. 'What's it all about really? Do any of us really know? You do what you can to remain focused. A project here, a new rope museum visitors centre extension there but is it worth it? Wouldn't it just be easier to let it all go?' 'I mean the ship's drifting.' 'Oh!' Captain Bill replied. 'Well, we've got time. It...

'Hopeless! Absolutely hopeless!' Captain Bill exclaimed. 'Well, why did you do it?' Norma asked. 'You know she's not supposed to go near the edges!' 'I didn't think she'd take me seriously!' Captain Bill replied. 'Hmm,' Norma said, 'and it just slows us down. Anyway, Cyril's looking after her..........Is that brown tape by the way?' 'I couldn't reach it,' Captain Bill explained. 'I could....' 'Just leave it!' A few minutes of awful silence decided that now was it's time. 'Well,' Norma said eventually, 'while I'm here, perhaps we could do the ship's diary?' '.......................Suppose,' Captain Bill replied. 'Is there anything you'd like me to put in beyond all the normal things?' Captain Bill scratched his horns and had a look through his telescope. 'We should, he suggested, 'make a note of that island over the...

'Will you stop it!' Captain Bill mooed. 'Stop it!..............STOP....IT!!!' 'You're just shouting at me because I've got wonky horns,' Annie replied. 'I am shouting at you because you are being deeply, deeply annoying!' '...................................................................and because I've got wonky horns,' Annie whispered and she took just the tiniest step towards Captain Bill. 'GO AWAY!!!!' Captain Bill shouted. Annie took a tiny half hoof step away from Captain Bill...and then leaned back in toward him. 'Does it happen very often?' she asked. Captain Bill looked at her. 'Does what happen?' Annie mouthed the words, 'The head thing?' Captain Bill decided that the best course of action was to ignore her. 'I've got brown tape,' Annie added and she waved a large roll of it at Captain Bill. 'I wouldn't charge,' she continued. 'It could be...

'I thought we'd start with pancakes,' Cyril explained, 'and then move on to pancakes, followed by pancakes.' 'Cor!' Annie mooed. 'Unless you'd prefer pancakes?' Cyril asked. Annie thought about this for a long time.....and eventually fell asleep. When she woke up there were pancakes. 'Ooooooooooooooooooooooooh!' she said in surprise. There was also a handy grass syrup paddling pool. So, Cyril made pancakes and Annie dunked them and Geraldine very helpfully topped up the syrup. 'Might I enquire,' Norma asked, because her head had arrived via a porthole, 'if some of those will make their way to the rest of us?' Cyril put down the pancake that he was about to eat to assure Norma that there was absolutely no doubt that that had all along been their intention. 'Our only reason for making them,' he added, before eating the pancake. 'Hmm,' Norma replied. Cyril put down the pancake he was...

Captain Bill allowed the salt spray to waft gently around his hat. He took a moment to feel the roll of the ship beneath his hooves. This, he knew, was where he was supposed to be. This was where he was master. 'Hard a Portboard!' he called out. Horace glanced nervously toward Norma. 'I don't think there is such a direction,' Norma whispered. 'Are you sure?' Captain Bill asked. 'Pretty confident,' Norma replied. 'Hmmmmmmmm,' Captain Bill said and he took a long look at his knitted compass. 'It doesn't seem to be on there. I was almost certain it used to be.' 'Things change,' Norma replied. 'Why?' Captain Bill asked. 'Why? Why do things have to change? It was a perfectly good direction. I remember at Captain School we did a whole day on it...that and ironing sails.' 'You wouldn't want creases,' Norma suggested. 'They marked you down for that,' Captain Bill replied. ...

They met on the deck of the Pickled Heifer. ''You're coming then?' Captain Bill asked. 'Wouldn't miss it for the world,' Cyril replied. 'You could try,' Captain Bill suggested. Cyril thought a while. 'You'd get bored without me,' he replied. And at that point there was a mooing from the dockside and Annie arrived and ran up the gangplank...and fell off. She swam to the shore and hauled herself out and tried again...and fell off again. 'Third time lucky!' Cyril called out. 'Seventeenth time lucky!' he called out an hour later. 'I think my brown tape is coming loose!' Annie replied. And it was. 'Plenty to spare,' Cyril assured her. 'Oh goody!' Annie replied. 'I shall try again.' And she did. And she didn't fall off!  Instead she ran straight up the gangplank, across the deck and fell off the other side of the ship. 'I can see the fishes!' she mo...

'It'll be fun,' Norma said, 'and there's nothing that can possibly go wrong so we can all have a relaxing time.' 'I just don't see how poetry fits into it?' Horace replied. 'Well.......it doesn't really,' Norma conceded. 'Then why....?' 'Because for most people not everything revolves around poetry.' 'It does for me,' Horace said. 'Yes,' Norma replied, 'but, possibly, with a bit of effort, you could move beyond that?' Horace stared off into the distance. 'Look,' Norma continued, 'everyone else is going and we never seem to do anything as a herd these days.' 'There are reasons for that,' Horace replied. Norma decided to ignore the observation. 'I'm asking you to go,' she said. '........................................If I must?' Horace mooed. 'Thank you!' Norma replied. 'Now, we're sailing first thing tomorrow mo...

'I've seen it,' Captain Bill said. 'I was just on my way to the museum when a staple whizzed past and a balloon landed on me hat!' Norma put the flyer down. 'There must be lots of people involved in making a film,' Norma replied. 'I'm sure there are,' Captain Bill said. 'Some of them might be interested in rope,' Norma added. 'They might even want to make a film about the museum?' '.........................................................True!' Captain Bill mooed. 'And that's the only reason that you're suggesting for wanting to go?' 'Well,' Norma said. 'The words, 'free costumes, including hats' wouldn't be influencing you?' Norma had always had a problem with certain types of fibs. 'Possibly,' she replied, 'but it would be so lovely to have an adventure.' 'In your opinion,' Captain Bill said. 'And obviously,' Norma contin...

'Extra what?' Annie asked. 'Well,' Norma thought about how to explain, 'it's a type of acting, only you just stand in the background and don't say anything.' 'Acting?' Annie asked. 'It's when you dress up and pretend to be someone else.' 'Like a tree?' 'Possibly,' Norma replied. 'I suppose that must happen.' 'Or a cloud or a halibut?' 'Again, possible,' Norma agreed, 'but more commonly it's another person...but it's only pretend.' 'Pretend?' Annie queried. 'Well, it's not reality.' 'Reality?' Annie asked. In her head Norma conceded to herself that the conversation was drifting off in a direction that she had been hoping to avoid.  'Well, for most people, there is a reasonably common set of truths that can be agree upon...that we call reality.' Annie looked confused and came dangerously close to toppling over. ...

'Extras wanted! Could you be the film star of tomorrow?' Bertha was reading from the leaflet that Norma was holding in her mouth. 'Apply today and change your life!' 'The mest mit is mext,' Norma mumbled. 'Free costumes, including hats,' Bertha read out. 'Mell?' Norma asked. 'Hmm?' Bertha replied. Norma's tail drifted around to the front of the flyer until it was underlining the words 'including hats'. 'That,' Bertha responded, 'is nothing short of blatant manipulation.' Norma looked as innocent as she could manage, which was VERY innocent indeed. 'That's still not innocent enough to fool me,' Bertha said. Norma put the leaflet down and gave a long sigh. 'Stop it!' Bertha exclaimed. Norma stopped it. There was silence. 'Hats!' Norma whispered. Bertha looked at Norma. Norma looked at Bertha. 'I'm sure it would be fun,' Norma added. '....

'There's another one!' Norma mooed. 'And another!' Bertha looked in the direction that Norma's tail was pointing. There were at least a dozen bright red balloons floating across Cow Island and there were more off in the distance. 'There's something hanging from them!' Bertha observed. 'So there is!' Norma agreed. Which was the correct reply because there was. 'Too high to tell what they are though,' she added. 'But,' Bertha replied, '......................Come and help.' So Norma did and she and Bertha swung the stapler around and tilted it skyward. 'It'll be good practice,' Bertha said, 'with a moving target.' The first couple of staples missed but the third clipped the edge of one of the balloons. There was a loud POP and the burst balloon fell toward the island.  Bertha switched to another target. 'Pop' went a second balloon. 'First time!' Bertha called out....