Tuesday, 1 April 2014
At home with Cyril
'Cushions!' said Cyril.
'Pardon?' said Horace.
'Cushions!' repeated Cyril. 'I need to get more cushions.'
'You seem to have plenty already,' said Horace.
'A gentleman,' replied Cyril, 'can never have too many cushions.'
'Gentleman?' mooed Captain Bill.
'Now as I've told you before,' replied Cyril, 'if you're not happy you can leave whenever you're ready.'
'And may I remind you,' said Captain Bill, 'that this is MY ship!'
'Perhaps you could pop upstairs and tell the woolly folk that?' replied Cyril. 'Now, as I'm not one to harbour a grudge and as you are my guests.............who's for cake? You can decline if you wish.'
'May I have a slice of lemon drizzle?' asked Horace.
'Slice!' exclaimed Cyril. 'We don't deal in slices! Slicing requires knives and knives get dirty and then they need washing. I can't be bothered with them.'
'Well if you insist?' said Horace.
'Not really but still,' replied Cyril. 'And for mon brave Capitaine?'
'I'm not sure I want anything,' said Captain Bill.
'Your decision,' replied Cyril. 'I won't ask again.'
'.............................Any Victoria Sponge?'
'Of course!' replied Cyril. 'There's always Viccie Sponge. What sort of a host would I be if I didn't have Viccie Sponge! That just leaves us with the question of single cream, double cream and custard.'
'Single for me,' said Horace.
'No!' replied Cyril. 'You don't have to choose, you get all three. The question is how much do you want? I normally have a pint of each...to start with.'
'Not that I'm trying to cause problems,' mooed Captain Bill, 'but I can't actually see any of them?'
'All in good time,' replied Cyril. 'The 3.45 cake train is about to arrive. That will be followed by the 3.50 cream stopper and the napkin express comes through at 4. Only that doesn't stop so you have to be quick.'
'I'm rather enjoying this,' said Horace. 'I didn't think I would be but I am.'
'I knew you would,' replied Cyril. 'Everyone does! Not that I tend to have guests.'
'Just as long as we don't get interrupted by pirates,' added Horace.
'I wouldn't worry about them,' replied Cyril and here he checked his periscope. 'They're just leaving.'