Cow Island

'Ah, no!' Cyril sighed. 'See, you tiddled when you should have winked.' The croupier looked decidedly nervous. 'Fluffy forfeit?' Annie mooed. 'Indeed!' Cyril agreed. 'Let's see.....I think you're going to owe us a great big pile of chips.' 'With bread and butter?' Annie asked. 'You can't have chips without,' Cyril said. The croupier looked extra more nervous. Annie waved her tail. 'Princess Annie?' Cyril smiled. 'Permission to dance?' Annie sang. 'I doubt there's ever been a better time,' Cyril replied. So Annie climbed onto the table and did a most dainty dance and everyone applauded...and then Cyril got onto the table and they danced together and everyone applauded some more. 'Sorry about the table,' Cyril said when they had finished. 'Do you have another?' And the visibly shaken croupier pointed towards another table. 'That'll do!'

'And so I demand immediate access to ma clients,' Camille announced. 'And you are?' Flossie asked. 'Mademoiselle FiFi,' Camille replied, 'lawyer to the stars....but I do also work for ordinary 'olidaymakers....which ma clients are....so nothing dodgy is going on.' 'Reasonable enough,' Flossie said. 'But how do you come to be here?' Lefty inquired. 'I too was also on 'oliday...as is ma good friend, Nurse Geraldine...talk about coincidence! But it means we can be 'ere to ensure fair play and a whopping big payout for the legal negligence that 'as inflicted a cold tummy upon a great and famous poet, which 'as become the talk of all the guests.' '...........................And you're really a lawyer?' Flossie questioned. 'Confirmed by ma lawyer 'at which I am wearing, so, there is like no doubt.' 'Looks like a teachers hat to me?' Flossie suggested. 'They are

'Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!' Annie mooed. 'Couldn't have put it better myself,' Cyril said. 'Now, would you like some chips?' 'Yes, please!' Annie replied. '.............Wiv salt and vinegar.' 'Two lots of chips please,' Cyril asked the cashier. 'One with salt and vinegar, one with mayonnaise...shaken not stirred.'  'And a wally!' Annie added. 'He's behind you,' Cyril replied. 'WHAT!!!!' Captain Bill mooed. 'Who are you again?' Annie asked. 'I'm leaving!' Captain Bill announced. 'Pleased to meet you,' Annie said. 'I meant I'm going,' Captain Bill replied. 'Oh, do stay,' Annie continued, 'we've only just met.' 'Yes, you must stay,' Cyril agreed and he took Captain Bill by his knitted compass and dragged him toward the nearest gaming table. 'Afternoon,' he announced to the cro

'Detained!!!' Norma gasped. 'That's what bunny number 237189 has reported,' Norman trumpeted. 'You think they 'ave been rumbled?' Camille asked. 'It's not clear,' Norman replied. 'I think it's more that the pirates are suspicious of them.' 'I blame myself,' Norma said. 'I should have insisted that Queen Phoebe took her crown off but she is royalty.' 'I am saying it is not your fault,' Camille mooed. 'They all knew the risks.' 'Perhaps,' Norma replied, 'but is wasn't a part of the plan that they got themselves detained. We need to decide what we're going to do now...and quickly.' Geraldine hopped down from Norman's trunk and, using her umbrella, drew a picture into the grass. 'But 'ow do you envisage it working to our advantage?' Camille asked. Geraldine drew another picture and waved her wings about. 'Genius!' Norman said and he

'Whoooaaaa!' Queen Phoebe wailed. 'Whooooooa!......Whooooaaaa!....Are they here yet?' 'Almost,' Bertha whispered, 'keep it going.' 'Whooooooooaaaaaa!' Queen Phoebe continued. 'Problem?' Flossie asked as he and Lefty arrived. 'One's friend,' Queen Phoebe replied. 'One's friend........One's dear best friend....One's dear, dear friend....' 'Horace!' Bertha prompted. 'Horace!' Queen Phoebe sobbed. 'Dear Horace, struck down in the prime of his poety life. He may never write another limerick again.' 'Madame!' Horace mooed, 'I have never written a....' Bertha kicked Horace. 'Arrrghhh!' Horace moaned. 'Right,' Flossie bleated, 'ermmmmm, sorry to hear that......ermmmmm?' 'Could we inquire as to the cause?' Lefty asked. 'Good one!' Flossie added. 'Deceived!' Queen Phoebe began. 'Deceived, mislead.

'My rope!' Captain Bill wailed. 'My lovely rope!.......My rope!' Annie leaned across toward Cyril. 'Is that Captain Eyepatch?' she asked and Cyril nodded. 'I was just checking,' Annie continued and she did a very brief dance. 'My rope!' Captain Bill repeated. '...............................Ruined!' 'Shame!' Cyril said. 'Don't you give me that,' Captain Bill snapped. 'As if you care! It probably all looks the same to you but this is my life's work. A collection built up over years, just cast out into the sand to rot. Don't you go pretending that it means anything to you.' Cyril looked at the piece of rope that Captain Bill was holding. 'Seven strand,' he began, 'anticlockwise, twisty twisty, unless I'm very much mistaken...which I seldom am. Classic light yacht rope. Very rare these days.' Captain Bill's mouth fell open. 'See,' Cyril continued, 'y

'I say old chap, things in our frightfully wonderful new casino do seem to be...,' Flossie paused, '..is it really World Don't Talk Like A Pirate Day?' he asked. 'It is indeed old boy,' Lefty replied. 'Then it would be churlish of me not to join in. Do please inform me of how things are progressing, Lefty, old thing.' 'I'm terribly pleased to report that everything is tip top and super,' Lefty bleated. 'Our dear little casino is proving to be the hit of the whole enterprise.' 'Top 'ole and no mistake,' Flossie replied. 'I expect that the profit from here could be buying us a new ship in next to no time.' 'Splendid! Would it be amiss of me to ask for confirmation that our security arrangements are just as first class as always?' 'Happy to do so, my dear,' Lefty replied. 'It's all very discrete of course but there are cameras inside and guards on continuous patrol around t

'Come on!' Bertha mooed. 'We can't afford to dawdle.' 'Would you kindly not push!' Horace replied. 'Timing is going to be critical,' Bertha continued. 'I am a ....' 'Poet!...And they bruise just as easily as Captains.' 'One hates to interrupt but we do have a job to do,' Queen Phoebe added. Slowly, Horace's way toward the snack stand was made for him. 'You're sure you can remember what you've got to say?' Bertha asked. 'We can't afford mistakes.' 'I am very used to remembering lines,' Horace informed her. There was a family in front of them by the time they arrived. Queen Phoebe thought it best to give them a regal type wave. 'One is an ordinary holidaymaker,' she announced. The family stared back at her so she gave them a second wave. The mother raised her camera. 'NO PICTURES!!!!' Queen Phoebe screamed and the mother put her camera down again.

'Thanks for coming,' Norma said. 'I thought we were supposed to be staying hidden?' Captain Bill replied. 'We decided we needed to move,' Norma explained and then she mouthed the words 'don't ask'. 'What?'  'I said don't ask,' Norma repeated. Captain Bill shrugged his horns. 'So what is your captain required to do? 'We've got a plan,' Norma explained. 'Norman, myself, Camille and Geraldine will be working from here initially. Queen Phoebe, Horace and Bertha are going to cause a small diversion before Cyril and Annie play their part. 'While I just stand around in a shrunken captain's hat?' 'You will be fighting a duel and dying an 'eroic death,' Camille called across. 'Actually, I need you to help Cyril and Annie,' Norma said. Captain Bill looked at Norma. 'No, really,' Norma continued. 'Come and look at this.' So they did. 'It'

Horace stood quietly looking at the ground. 'I think Camille was exaggerating ever so slightly,' Norma suggested. 'I don't see how the words 'heroic death' can be considered a slight exaggeration,' Horace mooed. 'Well, gross exaggeration then! As long as things go as planned I'm certain that there'll be very little danger.' 'Couldn't...' 'No!' Norma interrupted. 'I'm sorry but everyone is going to have to play their part if we're going to wrestle Cow Island back and I can't afford any exceptions. You and Bertha and Queen Phoebe are in Team Snacks. Your diversionary role will be critical to the overall success. Bertha will brief you on what you need to do.' Horace reverted to looking at the ground. 'Are you sulking?' Norma asked. '........................................Camille kept my pencil.' 'Oh please!' Norma sighed. 'I'll ask her to give it back t

'Hmm, I'd start with Far from the Madding Crowd, although The Woodlanders is a good read as well. Anyway, my reason for dropping by, I just wanted to say how much it's appreciated by myself and all of the flock,' Flossie explained. 'I know it's not what your used to.' Hooky tapped lightly on the grass. Flossie nodded. 'She's impressing everyone at the moment and she seems to be enjoying it. Lefty's moved her to 'Snacks' but I'm sure she'll cope. I think she's finishing about three so she should be coming by to pick them up shortly after that.' Hooky tapped again. 'True, true,' Flossie replied, 'but that's why I think it's so important for the lambs to get a thorough grounding in traditional pirating skills. We may have to diversify off into new areas but it's pirating that holds us together and makes us who we are.' Hooky tapped rather more heavily. 'Well, long term the aim wo

'And then we were allowed to sit on Norman, open brackets, I luffs him, close brackets, and he took us on a magical journey over a big blue wobbly wet ocean....and I didn't fall in!' 'You must have been sitting very still?' Cyril suggested. Annie herded close by to Cyril so that she could whisper in his ear. 'I did a dance at the end but Norman held me on with his trunk.' 'Teamwork!' Cyril replied. 'We couldn't manage without it.' 'And now I'm having an imaginary conversation with my chum, Viscount Cyril of Wheresthebuffetshire, open brackets, I luffs him as well, close brackets.' 'And what's he doing?' 'He appears to be dressing up.' 'Good for him! Who doesn't like dressing up?' 'A person suffering from clothesaphobia?' Annie replied. 'I doubt that Cyril suffers from that,' Cyril said. 'Do you know him?' 'Very well,' Cyril replied. '

Horace thought so, so deeply. He ran his pencil through a word....then wrote the word back in. He was about to cross it through again....when...... 'Ah! And so Norma's suggestion of where you might be found 'as proved to be correct!' Camille began. Horace glanced at Camille. 'I'm just writing a.....' 'Poem!' Camille continued. 'Norma said you would be. But rather more accurately you 'were' writing a poem, for now you are putting away your little pencil and coming along with maself and Blanche.' 'Err?' Horace said. 'Norma said that there would be 'errs'. Also she indicated the possible use of wells, buts and can'ts. I 'ave been cleared to ignore them all.' 'But,' Horace mooed. 'I note you 'ave yet to put your pencil away.' 'Can't?' 'No,' Camille said, 'I am afraid not. It's one thing to write poems of love and sacrifice and death and

'Of course I'm not happy,' Captain Bill mooed. 'I think it looks rather cute,' Norma replied. 'Cute!' Captain Bill squeaked. 'Cute is not what I aim for! A captain's hat is supposed to make him look....captainy. It is intended to both convey and reinforce his natural air of captainy authority....It is not required to make him look cute.' 'I'm sure Bertha wasn't expecting it to shrink.' 'Bertha could not care less! And look at me knitted compass....you can barely see which way is Not North.' 'I'll knit you a new one as soon as I have time, I promise, but we do need to talk about more important things.' 'I doubt very much whether anything else could be more important.' 'Well, we'll have to disagree on that then. Look, we may be back on Cow Island but we're a still a long way from defeating Flossie and this new information might be crucial in helping us achieve that.' 

'And so, Monsieur Cyril, I thank you for noticing ma change in lipstick.' 'A pleasure,' Cyril replied and he doffed his bowler. 'But if I might move on to more serious things?' Norma interrupted. 'I suppose it would be asking too much for you to just let us know where you are and what you're up to on these occasions?' 'My right hand lady has been kept fully aware of all developments,' Cyril replied. Geraldine lent over the top of Norma's hat and gave her umbrella a little shake. 'How foolish of me not to have guessed,' Norma sighed. 'No harm done,' Cyril replied. 'What did you think of the cake?' 'I felt that an unnecessary amount of the fruit 'ad sunk to the bottom but otherwise it was most enjoyable, with a fine texture and excellent all around flavour,' Camille commented. 'And you really didn't ask them to make it?' Norma asked. 'Hoof on heart,' Cyril replied.

'Har! Har! Har! Give me the preliminary financial figures, fully accepting that they may be revised and amended at a later date, and be quick about it. Har! Har! Har!.............How was that?'  'Oh, I liked it,' Lefty replied. 'Piratey but also fiscally responsible at the same time.' 'That's what I wanted,' Flossie bleated, 'but I wasn't sure I'd managed it?' 'I don't think you need have any fears,' Lefty said. 'Anyway, overall it's been a strong performance so far with most areas doing as well as or better than expected.' 'Fantastic!' 'There's a couple of places where we're not shoveling in the spondulicks as quickly as I'd hoped but we did have some higher than expected start up costs.' 'Bound to happen. I see you've moved Harriet to snacks?' 'We were short, she offered and we had spoken about widening her role.' 'Good for her! I'm su

Dawn's early light played across Captain Bill's eye patch. 'But how long have you been here?' he asked. 'Oh,' Cyril replied, '.................a week? Ten days? Fancy a slice of cake?' 'No! Well, no..........Where did you get it from anyway?' 'The bunnies made it. Quite a lot of the fruit has sunk to the bottom but you can't hold it against them. I don't think they've got much experience of baking and it's very tasty.' 'You got rabbits to make you a cake???' 'I didn't ask them to,' Cyril replied. 'They just sort of made it for me.' Captain Bill looked at Cyril. 'I don't understand,' he mooed. 'In fact, now I think of it, I've never understood. You don't do anything. You don't help out. You don't contribute in any way. You just wander around without a care in the world, doing whatever you feel like doing, with no consideration of the consequences

'You pushed me!' Captain Bill gasped. 'No,' Bertha replied, 'it was more of a shove.' 'I could have drowned!' 'Mmm,' Bertha said and she allowed herself a moment of quiet contemplation. 'You don't care do you? I could have drowned and it means nothing to you. Nothing at all!' 'You weren't going to drown,' Bertha replied. 'The water wasn't deep enough. I should have waited until we were further out....my error...you live and learn.' 'And you didn't help me get back on.' 'Norman had the situation under control, although I do wonder why, what with you flicking at his ears.' 'It was mutiny!................Again!' 'I'm not sure that you can mutiny when on an elephant, you'll need to check.' 'I will be. You can be sure of that.' 'Well,' Bertha said, 'I'll leave you to do so, I'm off for a scout around.' 'Fine!&#

'Steady as she goes!' Captain Bill mooed. 'HE goes,' Bertha said. 'As you know,' Captain Bill continued, 'by long tradition, all ships and vessels are considered to be female.' 'Norman isn't a ship.' 'But if we are at sea then to all intent and purposes he is! Now, where was I? Just how do you steer an elephant? The ears would seem to suggest themselves. Six degrees to port!  And Captain Bill poked at one of Norman's ears. 'That's starboard.' 'Is it? I do wish they wouldn't keep swapping them about.' 'And there's no need to steer him, Norman can see perfectly well were he's going. Cow Island is only two minutes away.' 'I am still required to fulfill my role as a Captain. It would be a dereliction of my duties not to do so.....................We really should be showing a light, you know that don't you?' 'Not when the whole point of crossing at night is so

'So, the plan, should it be acceptable to your majesty, is to get Norman to ferry us across to Cow Island. It isn't very far and the water is quite shallow.' 'Consider him at your disposal,' Queen Phoebe replied. 'That's a kindness,' Norma smiled. 'And once we 'ave arrived?' Camille asked. 'We'll split up and, disguised as holidaymakers, we'll infiltrate their despicable piratey operation.' Norma replied. 'Hmm,' Camille mused, 'although I suspect it is just a feed for what passes as a joke, I am required to question your decision for us to split up. Do we 'ave to do so?' 'I'm afraid it's essential for two reasons,' Norma replied. 'Firstly, it will allow us to cover more ground and, secondly, it will make us easier to draw.' My suspicions are confirmed!' Camille mooed. 'I have to say One is, in the common parlance,  up for it,' Queen Phoebe added. '

'And guess why they were on the island in the first place?' Norma continued. 'They had been asked to carry out a survey by The Small Island Supply Company!' 'More piratey skulduggery!' Bertha mooed. Norma nodded. 'Apparently King Otto had been buying quite a lot of things from them.' 'And you say Norman's not been able to send for help?' Bertha asked. 'There was no way of doing so,' Norma replied. 'So, we can't expect reinforcements to arrive.' 'Although King Otto must have noticed that his wife is missing by now,' Bertha suggested. Norma came to a halt. 'That's true! If he has sent ships out to look for them then there's always a chance they'll appear.' 'Is there anything else worth knowing?' 'Norman said that since the holiday maker have started arriving the sheep haven't been out to the smaller islands anywhere near a much as before. Which means as long as w

'So, can I put a 9 in here?' 'Er?' Lefty replied. '..........................No, you've already got a 9 up there at the top.' 'Of course!' Flossie sighed. 'I'm rubbish at these things.' 'It's just practice.' 'Possibly? I'll try and finish it later on. I see you've got some more signs going up.' 'Wanted to keep adding in extra details. Makes it look more professional.' 'Fine by me,' Flossie bleated. 'Strange things really, when you think about it.' 'Signs?' 'No, tourists.' 'Mum used to take us on holiday when we were lambs.' 'Really?' 'Well, it was just the far end of the field, but still, we enjoyed it.' 'What did you do?' 'Not much, we'd run around a bit, get our heads stuck in a hedge, that sort of thing.' 'Still, nice to go somewhere different.' 'And yourself?' Flossie shook